The Maker gave you to me
by cvreitzer
Summary: Sebastian has been waiting for a sign from the Maker. He's confused even more now that he has feelings for Hawke. He discovers that the Maker wants him to not only take his throne back, but to have Hawke. The Maker has plans for Hawke and their child.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a prompt from kmeme. Going to be rated M for possible future chapters. A warning for Sebastian lovers, this will not paint him in the best of lights. Will be a love triangle between Sebastian, Hawke, and Fenris.**

**Original prompt: **_**Somehow Sebastian is convinced it's the Maker's will that F!Hawke is supposed to become the mother of his child. This leads to a new found obsession in which Sebastian is going to do everything it takes to get her pregnant, even if she is not willing. Once she gets pregnant Sebastian is seriously possesive and over over over protective of her and their unborn child. **_

_**Extra points if Hawke doesn't realize what Sebastian is up to. More extra points if she finds out after finding out about her pregnancy. All the points you want if she is freaked out by Sebastian once she finds out and Sebastian is determined to remain with her even if she doesn't want him anywhere near herself. **_

_**The scenery is up to the writer-anon: if F!Hawke are in a relationship or not, if Sebastian already broke his vows of not; during which act this happens or if it's post-game, etc.**_

**-0-**

**Hawke**

I woke and tried to shake the dreams that had been plaguing me ever since I had saved Feynriel from the Fade. I was slightly afraid I had a demon attached to me. Maybe I should listen to Sebastian and Fenris. Maybe I should be a little more worried about mages and such.

But Feynriel was safe and sound. Tucked away in Tevinter where he could learn to control his powers. And perhaps my dreams were my punishment for flirting with Sebastian. If I had Sebastian's vows to me, I wouldn't like another flirting with him. It had seemed harmless enough at the time, but now…

I was a good girl after all. Far too busy taking care of everyone to worry about foolish things like romance. Never mind Fenris' puppy dog eyes he made at me when he thought no one was looking. Or the smoldering glances Anders gave me when I went to see him in his clinic. Then I had met Sebastian. Handsome, strong, kind Sebastian. He had made my heart skip a beat the first time I had seen him. Arguing with the Grand Cleric in the courtyard. I had taken his job just for a chance to meet him. And meet we had. I had been dismayed only slightly to learn he had taken his vows and was going to stay in the Chantry.

It was just a crush after all. It wasn't like I loved him, right? But lately the thoughts of him had hounded me. He seemed to be everywhere I went. Following me even in my dreams. The first had started off innocently enough.

Us sharing drinks or dinner cozily in front of my study fireplace. Mysteriously alone. That was how I had first realized it was a dream. My house was never empty. Those had gone on for a few weeks. Then they had progressed to him kissing me goodnight before he left. I knew I was going to go to the Void for those dreams, but they hadn't stopped there.

One night he had confessed that he loved me. Had been fighting it for years now. He begged me to let him stay. To show me how he felt. I had comforted myself with it was just a dream, and I let him lead me up to my room. No one had to know about my dark little dreams. My dirty shame of loving a man I could never have.

After that night, it had always been the same. He would enter through my window, speak of his love, of our life together. We would make love long into the night. I would fall asleep tucked safely in his strong arms. This had been going on for over two months now. Closer to three if I really stopped to think about it.

I had gotten to the point I couldn't be around Sebastian. I was sure he would know what I dreamed. I was sure my heated cheeks would betray me, if I managed to refrain from throwing myself into his arms. So I had been avoiding the Chantry in general. And Sebastian in particular. But I couldn't live like this anymore. There was too much to do. I couldn't keep having these dreams. There was no one I could turn to, save one woman. Elthina.

We had become close these last couple of years. Mainly due to Sebastian. I worried about going to her and confessing this, but I needed help. I wanted them to stop. I couldn't have the things dream Sebastian promised. And it was interfering with my waking life now.

**-0-**

**Elthina**

I watched Sebastian as he paced my office. "She won't even come and see me now, Elthina. She's avoiding me. I thought this was the Maker's will." He said. His thick accent almost masking his desperate whine.

"Do not give up now, Sebastian. We are all counting on you. Once she has conceived, she will be fully committed to the Chantry. She is our only hope for peacefully dealing with the mages. They will listen to her. And you will be freed from your vows. You two will rule Kirkwall and Starkhaven. The Free Marches will be strengthened against the coming darkness." I hated doing this to him. I hated what we were forced to resort to, but it was the only way. Andraste had told me so.

I had been dreaming of her for some time now. She had told me what was coming. The part Hawke would play in it. The part Sebastian must play in it. He was the key to swaying her. And she was the key to swaying the mages.

It wasn't as if Sebastian wasn't in love with Hawke. He was. His vows were the only thing holding him back from going to her. And I had seen the way Hawke watched him. She was fighting with her heart as well. This was going to be better for everyone.

"I'm trying, Elthina, but I…" He trailed off as there was a quiet knock on the door.

"Come in." I called holding my hand up to Sebastian. We could continue this talk later. I smiled as his and Hawke's eyes widened on seeing each other. Yes, they were in love. This was the right thing for us all.

"Forgive me, Grand Cleric. I didn't realize you were busy." Hawke said quickly and would have fled if Sebastian hadn't clasped onto her arm. She looked at him with a flush to her cheeks. I sighed to myself as I thought of how beautiful their baby was going to be. A grandchild of sorts for me.

It would undoubtedly have the red hair and the blue eyes of both parents. I wondered if it would have Sebastian's calm presence or Hawke's humor. It would undoubtedly be strong of body and mind. They were both so wonderful. The Maker had made them for each other. I could see it now.

"I was just leaving, Hawke. Don't run off on my account." He said watching her. I wondered if she could read the hunger in his eyes as clearly as I could. She glanced at him and her cheeks flushed even pinker. Ah, young love.

"Sebastian, would you mind sending Erin to me for a moment? I need to take care of these documents. Then I can speak with Hawke." I smiled encouragingly at the nervous girl. Sebastian nodded sharply to me before he turned softened eyes back to her.

"Maybe you could come and see me before you leave?" He asked her.

"I…of course, Sebastian." She said quietly and looked down at the floor. Sebastian reluctantly released her and went to send Erin to me. Erin was a healer mage who had taken vows. It wasn't completely unheard of for a mage talented with healing to join the chantry. We had needs for healers. And she was carefully watched. She was the one helping us make the potions to drug Hawke with so Sebastian could seduce her.

I smiled at Hawke and motioned to the seat in front of my desk. "Do sit, Hawke. It has been a while since we've seen you. How are you doing?" I asked. I knew the loss of her mother was still hard for her. I hoped she would soon have something good to look forward to.

"It's difficult, Grand Cleric, but I'm hanging in there." She smiled, but it never reached her eyes. She wrung her hands nervously.

"What brings you here, child?" I asked soothingly. She glanced at me and then away.

"I hoped to speak to you confidentially." She answered after a moment.

"Is this confession?" I asked puzzled about this. She normally went to confession with Sebastian. She was most comfortable with him. She was understandably nervous about the Chantry, having been raised in an apostate family. I hoped, with Sebastian's help, we could show her the Chantry wasn't as she feared it was.

"I know you don't normally take confessions from any other than the brothers and sisters, but…" She took a breath and looked up at me. "I can't trust this to anyone else."

"I'll hear your confession." I nodded to her and glanced at the door as there was a knock. "Why don't you go and get comfortable on the couch? I'll take care of this with Erin and join you in a moment." I motioned her towards the small living area I had in my study. She did as I asked while I opened the door for Erin.

"Sebastian told me it was time for an update." Erin said glancing at Hawke who was staring intently at the fire.

"Yes. Would you be so kind as to take it for me?" I asked inclining my head towards Hawke. Erin nodded and moved over to the desk with me. Her eyes turned hazy for a moment while I blocked her from Hawke's sight.

"It's done. I shall see to this at once." Erin nodded to me.

"You're sure?" I asked quietly. She nodded again before taking the fake documents and leaving the room. I had needed her to see if Hawke was pregnant. Seemed she was. This was joyous news indeed.

I moved back to Hawke and forced my smile away. She was so nervous. I needed to do whatever I could to sooth her nerves. We needed her and the child healthy.

"So what did you want to talk with me about?"

She took a steadying breath and toyed with a buckle on her armor. "I've…been having dreams lately. Well, for about three months now."

"Dreams?" I asked trying to mask my fear. It couldn't be, could it? She wasn't supposed to remember being with Sebastian.

Her face was aflame with embarrassment. "Yes, Grand Cleric. Maker forgive me, but I've been dreaming of Sebastian. They plague me ever night. Filling me with longings for something I can never have. Something so shameful and sinful. I…don't know what to do."

"You love him, don't you?" I asked careful to keep my tone soothing rather than joyful. This might work out better than we had hoped. Maybe her remembering would be a good thing.

"I've tried not to, but…" She trailed off and wiped her tears. "These dreams torment me. Do you think I'm evil? Maybe possessed?"

"No, child. Sebastian is a good and kind man. It would be easy to love him. That doesn't make you evil or possessed." I moved to sit next to her. I was surprised when she allowed me to hug her to me. She normally didn't like to be touched. She was really upset. She laid her head on my shoulder and cried.

"I just don't know what to do. I can't bear to be around him. I'm so afraid he'll find out. So afraid I'll hurt him."

"Your life has been hard and stressful, child. More so of late. This could just be a way for you to have some comfort in your life."

"But it's wrong to think of him like that. To dream of him like that!" She protested and stood to pace in front of the fireplace.

"What if it wasn't?" I asked. She froze and turned to me.

"What are you saying?"

"What if you two could be together?"

"He took vows, Grand Cleric. He belongs to Andraste. He wants to stay with the Chantry. I won't risk hurting him by confessing my feelings to him."

"But he hasn't reaffirmed yet. I've made him hold off. He's wanting to for the wrong reasons. He's scared, Hawke. He's afraid he's not worthy of being the Prince of Starkhaven. He needs someone to show him that he can do it. He needs someone like you supporting him."

"He…he says he's staying in the Chantry. He said he's not going to take back Starkhaven. And I do support him. He knows this."

"Yes, but he thinks you want him to stay in the Chantry. If you encouraged him to take back Starkhaven. Showed him you cared, I believe he would see that it is the only thing to do."

"You want him to retake Starkhaven? Why?"

"It is his destiny. It is the will of the Maker. He says he's waiting for a sign, but he has had plenty of them. I think he's waiting here for you."

"Grand Cleric, you're supposed to be helping me with these dreams, not encouraging them. And Sebastian has made his choice. I won't influence him. If you were hoping to tempt me into it, you're mistaken. I would never betray him like that. I want him to be happy. I will support whatever he chooses. It was a mistake to come here."


	2. Chapter 2

**Sebastian**

I paced at the bottom of the stairs to Elthina's office. Erin had smiled at me when she saw me pacing there. "Congratulations, Sebastian." She said squeezing my hand before moving off.

I felt joy steal over me. A baby. I was going to have a baby. A baby with my precious Hawke. I had never dared to even dream of her as such. I tried to keep my thoughts of her chaste. She was too good to damage in any way.

She was so sweet, my Hawke. Sure she was a bit silly and irreverent, and she managed to find trouble everywhere she went. But her heart was in the right place. She loved and cared a great deal. And I had wanted to make her mine almost from the first moment I saw her.

I had been ashamed of my sinful desires. I prayed day and night for the Maker to take them from me. She needed a friend. And I wanted to be what she needed. One day the Maker had answered my prayers. Not the way I thought he would. Even better than I had dared to dream.

I had been reluctant at first. What Elthina said was so outlandish. I had made vows. Surely the Maker didn't want me to impregnate Hawke. But she continued to explain it to me. I told her I would have to pray about it. It seemed wrong to do it the way she was saying. Shouldn't I court Hawke?

I thought about it for a few days and then went to Hawke's estate. It was late. No one else up, but Hawke. She would read well into the nights. She didn't sleep much anymore. Not since her mother had died.

She put the book down and smiled at me as I moved into the study. "What are you doing here?" She asked.

"I wanted to see you." I answered and took her hand.

"I'm glad you came." She smiled at me. And in that sentence she sealed it for me. She wanted me with her. This was what we both wanted. She was too shy and good to pursue it. But I had been given permission to by the Maker's bride. I offered to get a bottle of wine. She nodded curling back up in the chair. I added the potion Erin had made. It would relax her into a trance like state. She would be conscious enough to even speak with me, but she would be completely open to anything I suggested to her. And it would keep her from remembering.

I hadn't been able to do more than visit with her that first night. Or for a few weeks after. She was too good for me just to take. I wanted to court her. Even if she wouldn't remember the courting except when she had the potion.

Finally I couldn't stand it and stole a few kisses. She more than just accepted them. She readily returned them. It was only natural then to proceed to what this was about anyway. I had still wanted it to be her choice though.

I confessed my feelings for her and her eyes lit up. "Sebastian…" She said breathlessly before kissing me. I slipped my arms around her and pressed her tightly to me.

"Let me show you, my love. Let me stay with you tonight." I begged. Her eyes were slightly heavy with the potion, but I could see she wanted me to as well. She nodded slowly and let me lead her up to her bedroom.

And there I found my reward for my faithful service to the Maker. My precious Hawke was a virgin. I would be her one and only for all time. I was thankful for my sordid past as I was able to please her as she deserved.

Night after night I had gone to her. All sense of courting shoved aside in my need for her. My need for the child to bind us together.

And she was improving. She smiled more in the day. She slept more. Was eating better. Her grief was giving way. Only I knew the real reason was our love for each other. Then one day she stopped coming around me. She was trying to avoid me. She would blush when she saw me. I was confused by this. She still welcomed me at night, but during the days she shunned me.

And now she was here. All the sneaking around had done as it was meant to. We were going to have a child. I wasn't sure how we were supposed to explain this to her. But I trusted that the Maker would guide us in this as well. After all, this was his will.

I was brought out of my memories as Hawke fled from Elthina's office. She looked distressed. I moved to intercept her and she bounced off my chest.

"Sebastian!" She cried and her cheeks flushed red. It was even brighter than normal since she was very pale.

"Are you alright?" I asked worriedly.

"No. I have to go. I'm sorry. I…" She made a panicked noise as she saw Elthina appear at the top of the stairs. "Please, Sebastian." She looked up at me with those eyes I wanted to sink into.

"Let me come with you." I said as she started away from me.

"No. I…sorry…I need some time to…I have to go." She said and ran. I looked up at Elthina.

"What happened?" I demanded.

"She gave me her confession, Sebastian. I cannot tell you." She said shaking her head. "But she is with child."

"She knows this?" I asked worriedly. I was her one and only. How were we going to explain it to her?

"No. Not yet. She…don't worry, Sebastian. It will all work out." She said smiling at me.

"Someone get a healer! The Champion is injured!" Cried a noble who burst into the chantry. I ran, feeling fear pour over me. She had to be alright. The Maker wouldn't hurt them now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hawke**

I groaned as I opened my eyes and stared at the red canopy of my bed. I frowned in confusion. The last thing I remembered was being in the Chantry.

"Take it easy, Hawke. You've had a nasty spill." Sebastian's voice said from beside me.

"Sebastian? What are you doing here? What happened?" I asked as I sat up slowly.

"You were leaving the Chantry. Witnesses said it looked as if you got dizzy. You tumbled down the stairs. Erin healed you, but you will be sore for quite sometime I'm afraid." He said as he sat on the bed beside me.

"Erin?" I asked confused. That name seemed familiar.

"She is one of the sisters at the Chantry. She went in to see Ethina while you were there." He explained. He gently pushed my hair back from my forehead. "You gave me quite a scare, Hawke."

"I don't know what happened." I said wishing he wasn't sitting here in my room. On my bed. Touching me. I was going to burn in the Void for sure.

"I need to talk with you. I have to tell you something." He started, but the door burst open and the rest of our companions poured in.

"Are you alright? What happened?" Fenris asked moving closer. Anders shoved him aside and hurried to me.

"Let me examine you." He said quickly.

"No." Sebastian ordered. "She has already been seen to by a healer."

"I'm better than that Chantry healer." Anders frowned at him.

"Both of you stop it. I would like for Anders to examine me. I'm sure it's nothing, but my head hurts. Anders always makes it better. All of you please give us some privacy." Sebastian looked worried but shooed the others out of the room. Fenris paused and eyed Anders.

"I'll be right out here if you need me." He promised. They had only gotten worse with each other after Vengeance had manifested and nearly killed a mage we were trying to save. I gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

Anders waited until they were all gone and turned to me with worried eyes. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I haven't felt right in a while now. And I've been having weird dreams. And I'm exhausted all the time. This dizzy spell wasn't the first one." I answered.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't think it was a big deal. I've been under a lot of stress. But now…well, I can't keep falling down stairs." I shrugged. "Anders?" I asked worriedly.

"Hmm?" He asked as he dug in the pack he carried.

"Do you think I could be possessed?"

"You didn't make a deal with a demon, did you?" He asked.

"Don't be stupid, Anders. I'm serious. After the things we've seen…do you think it possible?"

"No. Let me examine you and then I'll test you if you want me to. Want to tell me why you think you're possessed?" He asked as he began to glow and run his hands over me.

"The dreams…they seem so real. Sometimes I can still smell him when I…" I trailed off feeling my cheeks heat up. I had said too much. Anders paused and looked at me.

"He who?" He asked giving me a teasing smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "If you say it's that broody mage hating beast, I may never speak to you again."

"It's not. And don't call him a beast. I don't let him call you an abomination." I frowned at him.

"Fine. So who is it?"

"I'm not telling you. You don't need to know that."

"Andraste's dimpled butt cheeks! It's the preachy prince!" Anders laughed as I slugged him. He rubbed his arm and shook his head. "Aren't you a naughty girl!"

"Anders, shut up!" I snapped.

"Just giving you trouble." He said and went back to examining me. He gasped and stood up quickly.

"What?" I asked fearfully. "Am I possessed?"

He shook his head and looked confused. "Hawke, have you…I mean…this really isn't my place, but…"

"Just spit it out, Anders!"

"Have you ever…been with anyone? I mean, the way you act and all I assumed you were a virgin." He was as red cheeked as I felt.

"Why in the Maker's name is that your business?"

"Because I need to know."

"Why?" I snapped. He sat down and looked at me with worried eyes.

"Because you're pregnant, sweetheart."

I looked at him dumbfounded. There was no way I could be pregnant. I had never been with a man before. It wasn't possible. "You're wrong. I can't be." I shook my head.

"Sweetheart, you are. I take it you haven't been with anyone." He shifted so he was sitting against my pillows with me and allowed me to curl into his arms.

"Maybe it's a demon." I protested trying to make my mind wrap around this.

"Afraid not, love. It will be alright. The baby is strong and healthy. Close to two months if I wagered a guess."

"Anders, I can't be pregnant. I've never…" I froze in horror. "The slavers."

"You think they…"

"It's the only time I've been held before. I was unconscious most of the time. Maybe…" I choked back a sob as I thought it. Anders tightened his arm around me.

"I'm so sorry, Hawke. We should have been quicker. We shouldn't have let you go without more of us."

I clung to his jacket and cried. "What am I going to do?"

"We'll figure it out. Somehow. Sweetheart, you won't be alone in this." He promised and kissed my head.

"How am I going to explain it to the others? Oh, Maker! Fenris!" I sobbed as I thought of how this was going to effect him. He had been the one to insist we go after the slavers who were in the caves. I had gone alone with him because the others were angry about it. He had run off after one of them who he knew worked for Danarius, leaving me alone with the rest. I had been caught and held for a day before the others came for me.

"He touched you!" Anders yelled and I saw the telling blue light in his eyes.

"No, Anders. Calm down. Fenris would never hurt me. He's going to be upset about this."

"Good. It's his fault."

"Don't."

"But…"

"I said don't."

"Fine. Do you want me to talk to the others?"

"So you can tell it cruelly to Fenris?"

"I won't. I don't want to hurt you."

I sighed. "Thank you for that, but I think it needs to come from me. Help me up. No time like the present."

"It will be alright." He promised as he helped me stand. Casting healing and strengthening spells as I swayed. I nodded thanks to him and then we headed to my study to speak with the others.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sebastian**

I watched fearfully as she leaned on Anders' arm. She squeezed his arm and then moved to sit in one of the wingback chairs. Anders stayed slightly behind her. Taking up a protective stance.

"I know you're all worried so I won't go through a lengthy speech. Anders examined me and discovered I'm…pregnant." She said and looked at the ground.

"What?" Varric asked shocked.

"Who?" Aveline demanded.

"Hawke's going to have a baby! Oh, this is wonderful!" Merrill said in her typical oblivious way.

"Been holding out on us, Hawke?" Isabela asked smirking at her. "If you had told me about your mystery man, I could have given you something to prevent this."

Fenris and I were the only ones who didn't comment. Fenris' hand tightened into a fist and a muscle twitched in his jaw. Those were the only signs that he had even heard what she had said.

"As to who, it doesn't matter. What does is that I'm not going to be able to go and do crazy missions for a while. So all of you please refrain from needing me to rescue you."

"It was the slavers, wasn't it?" Fenris said his voice shaking with rage.

"Fenris, I…" She looked down and took a shaky breath. "It's the only way it could be. I'm sorry." She whispered and looked at him with tears running down her face.

"Do not apologize to me. This is my fault. I…have to go." Fenris turned and disappeared.

I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me. She believed it was the slavers. I needed to talk to Elthina about this. But I couldn't leave Hawke now. She was devastated. She doubled over and covered her face with her hands. A broken sob escaped past her lips.

I moved and crouched in front of her. "Hawke, it will be alright." I soothed, smoothing her hair back. She wrapped her arms around my neck and sobbed. Her tears coursing down her cheeks. Maker, what had I done? This should be a time of joy for us. Not this horrible sadness. I lifted her up and sat her in my lap where she curled tighter to me.

"Honey, there are ways to take care of the…problem." Varric suggested and looked sick as he moved towards her. Her head whipped up and she glared at him.

Her hand went protectively to her stomach. "My child is not a problem, Varric!"

"I wasn't suggesting it was. I don't even think that you should. I was only trying to give you some sort of comfort. You know I hate it when you cry. Don't like feeling helpless." He said looking at her pleadingly. She reached out and took his hand.

"I know."

"So we aren't happy about the baby? Or we are?" Merrill asked looking at us worriedly.

"Shush, kitten. We need to let Hawke deal with this right now. If you need anything, angel, let me know." Isabela said lightly touching Hawke's shoulder.

"Would you find Fenris? Make sure he's alright?"

"Got it, angel girl. I'll be back later to check on you." Isabela left pulling Merrill along with her.

"We should go and sweep for him as well." Aveline said standing and nodding to Varric. "Unless you want us to stay?"

"No. Just make sure he's alright. Danarius is still hunting him. Be careful. I can't bear the thought of losing another person." Hawke said as she laid her head back against my shoulder.

"I'll stay with her." Anders assured them.

"There is no need for that." I answered him. "I'm going to stay here with her."

"You have to go back to the Chantry."

"I'm a free man, Anders. I am free to do as I chose. Hawke needs me right now. This is where I will be."

"Do I get a say in this?" She asked smiling at us. The smile didn't quite reach her eyes, but it was better than tears.

"Only if it's to agree with me." I smiled at her. I tucked her hair behind her ear. "Let me take care of you, love." Her eyes clouded for a second in confusion. It was a left over effect of the potions. She nodded slowly.

"It's alright, Anders. Sebastian will take care of me."

"Are you sure?" He asked eyeing me with a worried look. She nodded and laid her head on my shoulder.

"I'm tired. Thank you for being here, Anders. And for sticking with me. I'll get through this as well."

"You know a little Hawke is a good thing, right? Can't you just see it? Bright blue eyes, dimples that wink mischievously when they smile? Has all of us wrapped around their sweet little finger?" Anders smiled at her. He kissed her forehead. "If you need me…"

"I know how to find you. I think I just need to rest. This is a lot to take in." She smiled at him.

I stood keeping her in my arms. "I'm going to put her to bed." I brushed past him and carried her towards the stairs. I felt his eyes on me, but I didn't care what he thought. She was mine and I was going to be the one tending her from now on.

**-0-**

**Erin**

I watched them worriedly as Elthina and Sebastian argued over what to do now. "She thinks she was raped, Elthina! She thinks she's having some random man's child!" Sebastian yelled and slammed his fist onto the table.

"Wasn't she sort of raped?" I found myself saying out loud. I had been uncomfortable with this whole mess from the beginning and now it was only worse. That poor woman was being used in the worst of ways. I couldn't believe this was the Maker's will.

"I never raped her! I let her chose. She could have said no! We are in love! How dare you accuse me of that!" Sebastian roared and towered over me.

"Forgive me, Sebastian. I only meant that the potions keep her open to your suggestions. How can you be sure it's actually what she wanted?"

"It's a little late now for you to start with these questions." Elthina said frowning at me. "And it is the Maker's will, Sebastian. You did nothing wrong. She loves you and is allowing you to take care of her. As to you telling her? I don't think that's wise right now. She is in a fragile state. This might hurt her and the baby."

"But I can't stand the thought of her not knowing that we made the baby." Sebastian answered.

"Sebastian, she wants and loves the child. It will have to be enough now. You are staying with her. She will rely on you. Once the babe is born you can wed her. Then they will both be yours. Once the thrones are secure and the mages rebellion quelled, you can tell her the truth. We need to trust the Maker in this. Just show her you love her and it will all be fine."

"Will I have more of the potions? Will it hurt the baby?" He asked looking to me. I was disgusted as they both looked at me. The potions were only supposed to be used until she could conceive. She was already pregnant.

"You…want to continue to use the potions on her?" I asked unable to keep the horror from my voice.

"If it's safe for the baby, he needs to keep using them until she is open to him without them." Elthina nodded. I wanted to lie to them. Tell them the potions were harmful for the baby. But I wouldn't risk the Maker's wrath. All I could do was pray that this was really the Maker's will and that the poor woman really did love Sebastian.

"No. They won't harm the baby. But you should be careful. Using too many of them could backfire. She might either build up a tolerance of them, or she might become catatonic even without them." I warned. Both of those things were true.

"Build up a tolerance? Like they might stop working?" Sebastian asked worriedly.

"Yes. It is possible. I've never heard of someone using them as long as we have been. You might want to use it sparingly." I had done what I could for the poor woman. Maker forgive us all.

"It will be alright, Sebastian. She will come to welcome you soon enough." Elthina soothed him. "You should probably return to her. You don't want to leave her for too long. I had your things packed up for you. We'll have them delivered today."

"Thank you, Elthina. I'm still a little worried about her not knowing, but I will trust you and the Maker." He nodded to her. I silently scoffed at that. He would do as they asked if it meant he got to keep his toy. This was bad. Maybe I would have been better off in the Gallows. Maybe the Chantry was as bad as my friends had warned me about.

"Erin, thank you for your assistance. The Maker will reward you for your faithful service. And silence." Elthina said watching me intently. I nodded sharply and left the room. I had a lot to pray about.


	5. Chapter 5

**Around 4 and a half months later**

**Hawke**

"How are you feeling?" Sebastian asked as he entered my room carrying a tray of food. I sighed and sat up. He quickly sat down the tray and arranged my pillows more comfortably for me to sit up.

"Like a cow." I complained.

"You are more beautiful each day." He said before kissing my forehead and moved the tray over to me.

"I'm not hungry." I said and shoved the tray back towards him.

"You need to eat, love." He said and I felt myself agreeing with him.

I wasn't sure what it was, but we would be disagreeing and suddenly I would find myself agreeing with him. It was strange. I was a stubborn person. And I wasn't hungry, but I found myself picking up the toast and nibbling on it. He gave me a bright smile and patted my leg.

"Erin will be over later today to examine you again." He said. I frowned. This was another thing we were fighting over. And somehow I always ended up losing. I never lost. At anything. I was the Champion for goodness sakes.

"I don't want Erin. I want Anders." I protested. Erin made me nervous. I didn't want her checking on me or the baby anymore. I wanted Anders. But he hadn't been by to see me in over two months now.

"We've been over this, love." Sebastian said as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "It isn't safe in Hightown for Anders right now. You don't want to put him in danger, do you?"

"No." I pouted. This didn't make sense to me either. Anders had a key to the basement passages. I had given it to him years ago. Why did he have to go to Hightown at all? I didn't mention any of this to Sebastian. He didn't like it when I brought up the fact most of my friends had stopped coming to see me.

"Don't fret, love. Soon the child will be here and all this will be in the past." He kissed my cheek lingering to slide his hand down my other cheek. "I'll be back up in a bit to check on you." He promised and disappeared out of the room. I grumbled and wanted to throw the tray at the door. His attentiveness had gotten old.

At first Sebastian's care had been a dream come true. He was living with me. Taking care of my every whim. For a while I could pretend we were a family who was expecting their first child. Sebastian talked of the baby as if it was his. He had big dreams for the baby. He spoke of a life we could share. He told me he had left the Chantry and would retake Starkhaven as soon as I had had the baby. He didn't want to leave me alone. He was so protective and tender.

But that had gotten old fast. I wasn't a fragile doll. I was still a fighter and survivor. I was used to taking care of myself. And the more time I spent with Sebastian, the more I realized I had been in love with an idea. Sebastian wasn't the man I thought he was. Well, he was, but there was much more to him.

Our views differed on just about everything. He's devotion to the Chantry was all fine and good, but he was trying to force me to view it the same way. I just couldn't believe that the Chantry was as he said. And I didn't for a second believe it was the only way to love and worship the Maker. I couldn't believe that the Maker would make mages and hate them as much as the Chantry said. It didn't make sense to me.

On top of that, he was pushing me to take the viscount seat. He wasn't the only one. Nobles had been coming to my home, pressing me. Sebastian was hosting dinner parties for the first couple of months, but soon I was too tired to deal with the people. He had kept up the pressing, but he was keeping the others away from me.

I didn't want the viscount seat. I didn't want to rule anything or anyone. All I wanted was to be left in peace. I wanted to raise my child up secure and surrounded in love. Not to mention to do so would make me support Meredith. And that was something I would never do. Whatever else she was, the woman was crazy. Stark raving mad. It had been one of our worst arguments.

"I don't want to be viscountess." I had told him.

"It is your duty!" He had protested.

"My duty?" I scoffed.

"Yes, your duty. As Champion, you owe it to Kirkwall."

"How about your duty to Starkhaven? I seem to remember until recently you were going to turn your back on it." I snapped.

"I have learned the error of my ways. This is what we need, love." He had answered.

"My duty as Champion is to protect Kirkwall. That includes from that power crazy woman. I will not support her. I will not let her bully the people anymore."

"She is only doing as she must! You have to see reason about all this! Surely now you can see the dangers of allowing mages to run wild!"

"Mages are only running wild trying to escape her!"

"I'm sure your mother would agree that mages aren't the problem." He had said coldly. I froze and stared at him stunned.

"Get out." I had said quietly. He looked startled and moved to me.

"Oh, love, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. Forgive me." He begged wrapping his arms around me.

"GET OUT!" I yelled struggling to free myself from him.

"I will leave you alone, but I'm not leaving. I love you, Hawke. I never meant to hurt you. I want to marry you. I want to raise our child as it should be." He had walked out then. Leaving me alone with painful thoughts and memories.

It had been the moment I needed to see things clearly. We would never agree on anything. We were better as friends. All the love I thought I had for him was gone. He wasn't the prince from my dreams. He wasn't a bad man, just a man who had been raised very different from me.

Things had been strained between us since then. He was trying to pretend nothing was wrong, but everything was wrong. There was no future for us. I didn't know how to make him see it.

He came in a short time later. "There is a small problem in Starkhaven, love. I have to be gone for a couple of weeks. Fenris has agreed to stay with you." He said motioning over his shoulder to Fenris who hung back in the door watching me with guarded green eyes.

Fenris had been my one constant and happy point through all of this. Once he had gotten over his initial reaction, he had returned to me. He was the only one of my companions still coming around. Sebastian for some reason trusted him. Maybe it was their shared dislike of the mages.

Fenris often took me for walks in the gardens and around Hightown. Especially while Sebastian was busy meeting with nobles and such as he started retaking his own throne. It had been nice.

Once we got past our awkwardness together, the time had come to mean the world to me. I had always been a little leery of Fenris. No matter what I did, I seemed to anger him. But as we spent more and more time together I got to know him. He was a good and kind man under all that gruff exterior. At first he had been with me out of a sense of guilt, but it seemed like now he enjoyed our time together as much as I did.

We were slowly learning about the other. And even though our opinions often differed, there wasn't anger and judgment in it like there was with Sebastian. He explained his views to me. And I in turn explained mine to him. We were both seeing there was much more than we had originally thought in our own worlds.

I could feel my feelings growing for him. Past friendship. But I fought it. He used to look at me as if I was something he could want, but not since discovering I was pregnant. Now there was a guilt to his eyes when he looked at my rapidly growing stomach. I didn't know how to comfort him about it. Despite how it happened, I was thrilled with the baby.

"Is everything alright?" I asked remembering Sebastian had been speaking.

"Yes. Just a minor uprising. I need to show the nobles there I mean business. I will return as soon as I'm able." He promised.

"Be safe. But Fenris doesn't have to stay with me. I have Orana, Bohdan, and Sandal. I'll be fine."

"If you don't want me here, I'll go." Fenris said, hanging his head so his hair curtained his eyes.

"I need to know you're safe while I'm gone." Sebastian frowned at me.

"I'm not a weak child, Sebastian. I can look out for myself."

"You're the woman I'm going to marry. I want to know you're safe." Sebastian said grabbing my shoulders. I saw Fenris flinch as he said it. Could he possibly care for me? Or was it still guilt over the slavers?

I turned back to Sebastian. "No, I'm not. Sebastian, we've been over this."

Sebastian's face grew dark as he narrowed his eyes at me. "We can have this discussion when I get back. You are going to marry me. It was one fight."

"It wasn't one fight, Sebastian. And I have a say in if I marry you." I frowned at him.

"Perhaps I should leave you two alone." Fenris suggested and started to leave.

"No. Stay, please. I look forward to seeing you. And there is nothing to discuss. Have a safe journey, Sebastian." I said effectively dismissing Sebastian. He and Fenris shared a look, but I wasn't sure I wanted to know what that was about.

Fenris made his way into the room slowly after Sebastian left. "If you want me to go, I will."

"I don't want you to go. I just didn't want him bulling you into staying with me. I wish he would go away." I sighed.

"Trouble in paradise?" He asked looking away from me. I patted the bed beside me and waited for him to sit down.

"I just realized that we have nothing in common. And more than that. I'm not so sure we actually like or respect the other. I was in love with an image of him."

"You…loved him?" He asked. His voice sounding strained.

"No. Not really. I thought I was in love with him."

"So no becoming Princess of Starkhaven?"

I laughed. "No. Not going to happen. I hate being Champion enough. I don't want another title."

"Don't you want to marry? Have a father for the child?"

"I don't know. I never really had the opportunity to think about this. I mean I've always been busy protecting someone or something. While other girls dreamed of finding their princes, I was busy learning to protect my family. And as to having a father for my child? Why? They will have plenty of male influences in their lives. I couldn't have better males in their life than you, Anders, and Varric."

He looked at me surprised. "You think we three would be good influences?" He scoffed.

"Without a doubt. You three have been good influences on me."

"You didn't mention Sebastian at all." He said looking slightly embarrassed.

"I don't know what to make of him. I know he means well, but he's smothering me. At first being coddled was nice, but I'm not one who likes to be waited on. I like to do for myself."

"He just worries about you." He pointed out.

"I know. But you are worried as well, but you don't smother me. You let me handle things myself. And make my own decisions. He tells me what to do. We argue, but suddenly I'm doing what he's wanted. I still don't want to, but I am. It's strange."

"Hmm." He said and looked over at the tray of food. "Not hungry?" He asked. I shook my head. "Then do you want to go for a walk in the gardens? Or did you want to nap?"

"I've only been up a few hours, Fenris. I'm not the least bit tired. I don't know why he and Erin think I need so much bed rest." I sighed and looked at him. "There is something I want to do, but I don't want to fight with you about it."

"What?" He asked warily.

"I want to go and see Anders. And all the others. I miss everyone. And I want to make sure the baby is alright."

"You don't trust Erin?" He asked looking at me quickly.

I bit my lip. "For some reason, no. I don't know how to explain it, but she looks at me with such a guilty look. Like she's hiding something. It's…unnerving."

"Do you really think a trip all through Darktown is wise?"

"No need. The basements lead to right beside Anders' clinic." I narrowed my eyes at him. "I expect you to keep that secret. I know you're Sebastian's friend as well, but…"

"Lila, I owe you more than I can ever repay you. I won't argue with you about this if you're sure. And I will keep all your secrets always." He promised. Fenris was the only one who ever used my first name. I liked the way it sounded on his lips. I sighed shoving those thoughts aside. The last thing I needed was to mess up another friendship with romantic thoughts.

"This isn't your fault Fenris." I said catching his arm before he could bolt.

"It is. You wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for me." He held still looking away from me, but didn't pull away.

"Fenris, I am happy to be having this baby. No matter how it happened, I want this child. More than I've ever wanted anything before."

He looked at me intently for a moment before he smiled slowly and arched a brow. "Even more than you were wanting pickles the other day?"

"Much more. Now I can't even stand the smell of them. Oh, Maker! Now I'm nauseas just thinking of them." I shuddered as he shook his head.

"You are even more unusual than normal." He chuckled.

"I'm pregnant, Fenris. I'm allowed." I laughed and climbed out of bed.

"Do you want me to send you Orana?" He asked as I made my way over to the wardrobe.

"Despite the way I look, I am still able to do some things myself." I said pulling out some of the new clothes I had had to have made to accommodate my growing belly.

"I'll be right outside of the door if you need me." He promised and closed the door behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Fenris**

I waited outside the door mulling over the things I had witnessed and heard. Could Lila really be regretting letting Sebastian move in? She had seemed thrilled with it to begin with. Was this another swing of the pregnancy moods? I worked hard to shove away the hope that had risen when she had said she wasn't marrying him. I had no business even entertaining thoughts of her anymore. Sebastian was a friend. And she was in this mess because of me. Sebastian could give her and the child a life that they deserved. I had nothing to offer her. It was better to push aside my feelings.

But it was hard when she smiled at me that special way that lit up her sapphire eyes. Even now, with her rapidly growing stomach, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I had thanked the fates for her being the one to answer my plea. Though, I suppose all of us companions could claim that as well.

"Ready?" I asked as she came out of her room and gave me that smile. I forced myself to look away from her. But not before I saw the grimace of pain. I whirled to her as she gripped her stomach. "Lila?" I asked worriedly.

"Oh, stop talking, Fenris." She said with a huff of a laugh.

"What?" I asked and moved to steady her as she bent over and held her stomach.

She blew out a breath and stood back up. "I'm definitely thinking the baby's a girl."

"Why?" I asked slowly wondering if she was alright.

She grunted and held her side. "Because apparently they like your voice so it must be a girl."

"What?" I asked completely baffled by this conversation.

She smiled at me. "Um, she gets active when you start talking."

"And you think this means the baby is a girl and that they like my voice?" I asked.

"Women like your voice, Fenris." She rolled her eyes and patted her stomach. "Don't we, little one?" She laughed and shook her head.

"Are you sure you're alright? Maybe I should just go and get Anders?" I suggested worried about this new development. Were babies supposed to move so much? Was it supposed to cause pain? Damn Sebastian for leaving now. He would have known what to do about all this.

"I'm fine. I want to get out and move around. Seriously, Fenris, I'm fine." She promised and smiled at me. I nodded and decided it might be best not to speak unless I had to. I didn't like the way she had doubled over. I didn't like the fact I caused her more pain. But I was intrigued with the voice thing. I mean, it was just a voice, wasn't it?

"Oh, sweet Maker, who put so many bloody stairs in?" She grumbled as we descended into the basement tunnels.

"Why don't you sit for a bit?" I suggested. She grunted and doubled over holding her stomach.

"Seriously, little one?" She laughed. She looked up at my worried face. "Give me your hand."

"What for?" I asked.

"Fenris, just give me your hand!" She snapped. I held it out to her. She quickly placed it on her stomach. I wanted to recoil from this. I couldn't touch her. It was wrong…what was that? I looked up at her stunned as something nudged my hand. She smiled at my look. "Can you feel it?"

"That's the baby kicking?" I asked in awe. She nodded. "Lila, you have a person inside you."

She laughed. "Are you just now realizing this?"

"No…it's just…well, real now." I shook my head and gave her a nervous chuckle. I could feel the life under my hand. This wasn't a problem. This wasn't something to regret. The little life kicking away happily nestled inside this woman was something to treasure. Something precious. I looked at Lila more in awe of her than I had ever been.

"Yeah, it's amazing for the first little bit and then they go for the ribs." She sighed and smiled. She held her back as she released my hand. I pulled it away from her reluctantly. "Come sit with me and you can talk to the baby."

"Talk to the baby?" I asked. This was such foolishness. What did one say to a baby, much less while the baby was inside of its mother?

"Sure. They like your voice. Sebastian does it some. Varric did for a while, but he hasn't been by in a month."

"What do they talk about?" I asked intrigued and wondering how my life had changed so much that instead of ripping someone's heart out, I was playing nursemaid to a woman I had come to care far too much about, who was pregnant with some slaver's child due to my carelessness, and sort of engaged to one of my friends. And now I was trying to think of something to say to said child.

"Varric used to tell it stories about our adventures. I had to explain that Uncle Varric likes to stretch the truth." She smiled as she rubbed her stomach.

"And Sebastian?"

She sighed. "He talks of the things the child will learn and do. He talks of its glorious future as heir to the Starkhaven throne." She smiled at me. "You can talk to it about swords if you want. Or your life on the run…wait…no talking about…you know…that glowing thing you do to people's hearts until they are at least eighteen. Maybe thirty. Kay?"

"Hmm." I said thinking. I felt a bit ridiculous, but she was giving me that encouraging look. And I liked to see her smile. "How about how I met your mother, little one?"

"Apparently they are a flutter with excitement." She laughed as the baby kicked.

"May I?" I asked wanting that strange connection with the little life again. She took my hand and placed it where the baby was kicking. I then spoke to her stomach telling about Lila helping me. I made sure to skip all the gory parts. I was fairly certain the baby wouldn't know, but Lila was watching me as closely as her surname would have. The baby moved around as I spoke. I wasn't sure why she thought it meant it liked my voice. Maybe it hated it and was trying to get away from it. But she was smiling at me with that look so I would humor her. "Then your mother had the audacity to tease me when I tried to give her a compliment." I said and smiled up at Lila.

"Capable is not a compliment, Fenris. It is little more than saying I was adequate." She said with a mock pout.

"So I should have what? Said you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen slaughter a bunch of slavers and hunters?" I asked. Her eyes widened and her cheeks flushed before she put her hands on either side of her stomach.

"Little ears, Fenris! Don't say words like…that one…say…took out."

"I'm fairly certain little one doesn't know what we're talking about." I said relieved she wasn't going to comment on my bad timing of flirting. "If you're ready maybe we should move on."

"Alright." She said and allowed me to help her up. "And yes, that would have been much better."

I stumbled on a step as I watched her gracefully maneuver down the stairs. Damn this woman for always knowing how to throw me off balance. Not normally literally, but there it was.


	7. Chapter 7

**Anders**

I looked up stunned as Hawke followed closely by the ever watchful Fenris entered the clinic. It had been two months since I had seen her. Sebastian's continuing to say she didn't want to see me had finally gotten through. Maybe she really didn't want to see me. If she was going to marry that Chantry raised prince, it would stand to reason our friendship was over.

"Hawke?" I asked puzzled as she moved as graceful as ever despite her rather large stomach.

"Don't sound so happy to see me." She pouted and sat down on one of the cots.

"I'm always happy to see you. I just thought…" I trailed off as Fenris shook his head slightly.

"Just thought what?" She asked frowning at me.

"That you didn't want me around anymore. I mean you're marrying the Chantry." Fenris narrowed his eyes at me, but I didn't care about his opinion.

Hawke looked at me sadly and shook her head. "First I'm not marrying anything, let alone the Chantry. I'm betting that's illegal anyway. And a little strange. I mean where would we live? And would it only be to this Chantry, or to all of them? And whose name would we take? Sorry, my mind is full of weird things lately. I had a point. What was I…oh, right! And second, I love you, Anders. You're one of my best friends. I always want you around. Third, you are supposed to be one of the male influences in little one's life. That requires you be around. Finally, you are supposed to be my healer for all this. You told me I wouldn't be alone. So come and check on me and little one, please."

I looked at Fenris puzzled by this. Sebastian had said she was using Erin. "What about that sister healer?" I asked looking back at Hawke. She turned and looked at Fenris.

"Are you two having a conversation over my head?" She demanded.

"I've not said a word." Fenris answered.

She crossed her arms and sighed. "I don't want Erin. I want you. I trust you. If you don't want to do it say so."

"It's not that, Hawke. You know I'll always be here for you." I assured her.

"Then come and check on us, please."

I moved to her and checked hers and the baby's health. Both were doing good. At least Sebastian was making sure they were healthy. "You still feeling nauseous?" I asked watching her.

"Sometimes. Not nearly like I was the last time I saw you. I'm out of that mint stuff you had for me."

"It wasn't mint, honey. It was ginger. Let me go and make you a batch. Fenris, can you help me move some boxes in the back?" I asked. His lips narrowed slightly, but I didn't care if I did make him mad. Someone was going to explain to me what was going on.

"Don't you two start fighting. Little one makes it difficult to break up fights." Hawke frowned at us.

"I will behave." I promised her with a smile and motioned Fenris to follow me to the back room.

He sighed and turned to her. "I will be right through there if you need me."

"I'll be fine. Stop worrying so much. Might take a nap." She said her eyes already closing. I smiled at the sight of her. I had missed this crazy woman so much.

I pushed the door almost closed and turned to him. "What is going on? Sebastian said she hadn't wanted to see me. She thinks I'm avoiding her. What's the deal?"

Fenris sighed. "I don't know. It could just be a pregnancy thing. Sebastian said that moods shift rapidly when a woman is pregnant." He shrugged.

"That's true, but not to the extent of her not remembering ordering me away."

"I don't know what to tell you."

"Is he hurting her?" I demanded.

Fenris looked at me angrily. "Do you honestly believe I would allow it to continue if I thought he was hurting her? They have been fighting recently. Maybe she's just wanting to reach back out now. Sebastian is a good man, Anders. He wants to take care of her and the baby. How many men can claim the same?"

"I would gladly." I answered.

"I said take care of, not endanger." Fenris narrowed his eyes at me. I knew he liked her as well. We had both been fighting over her before Sebastian came along and swept her off her feet.

I decided to not rise to his bait. He was trying to avoid the problem. And Hawke had asked me not to fight with him. "Why is he keeping her isolated?"

"He isn't. I come and see her daily. And we go for walks in the gardens nearly daily."

"No one else has seen her, Fenris. We thought she wanted us to stay gone. We thought she needed time. But it sounds more like it's him." I pressed. Fenris' eyes flicked away.

"He is just trying to protect her. She has been through a rough few years. He wants to take care of her."

"And cutting her off from her friends is helping her?"

"You would have to ask him."

"Have you noticed something else weird?" I asked.

"You will have to clarify weird, Anders. We are speaking of Lila. Weirdness is normal for her on a good day." He said with a hint of a smirk.

I laughed then. "That's true. But I meant about her interactions with him. I've noticed it a few times when I was around her. They would disagree, but then he would give her this look and say something in a patronizing tone. Then she was suddenly agreeing with him and would look confused for a moment."

Fenris scoffed. "And what, you think he's using blood magic to enthrall her?"

"Maybe."

"He was a brother of the Chantry. He would never resort to something so vile. He wouldn't do anything to hurt her. He loves her and plans on marrying her."

"So she is going to marry him?" I asked resignedly.

"She had agreed, but apparently they had a fight. She says she's not going to, but he still says they are. I don't know, but it is a private matter. We shouldn't be discussing them. The main thing is Lila and the baby. Are they alright?"

"Fine. Both in great health." I still thought something odd was going on, but I would just have to keep a closer eye on Hawke. I was so relieved she still wanted me in her life that I was willing to put up with Sebastian if it meant having her near.


	8. Chapter 8

**Fenris**

Anders words filled me with dread. I had noticed it as well. I had tried to chalk it up to that Sebastian was the only one of us willing to push Lila. But Lila had mentioned it earlier as well.

I was sure it was nothing. Sebastian was a good man. One of the few of our companions who agreed with me about mages needing caged. And he was devout. First to the Chantry and now to Lila. He wasn't the sort to do something underhanded. He loved her. That much was plain to see. Maybe it was just Anders and I feeling jealous. And Lila feeling smothered.

We moved back out to find her asleep. I sighed and sat down across from her. "Is this normal?" I asked motioning to her. "She sleeps a lot lately."

Anders smiled at her. "Very. Look at it this way, Fenris, she's supporting two people right now. That takes a lot out of a person."

"I get that." I nodded. "She was in pain earlier. The baby seemed very active. Is that also normal?" I asked.

"It varies from baby to baby, but I would imagine a baby of Hawke's was going to be active."

"She wanted me to…talk to it." I said feeling embarrassed that I was telling him this, but I didn't know who else to talk with about this.

He shook his head. "That is also normal, Fenris. She's trying to let you share in this. You should feel flattered." He looked over at her pained. I almost felt bad for him. Almost. We sat in awkward silence for a bit, both watching her. Finally Lila stirred and looked around confused.

"So it wasn't a dream. I really did walk all those damned stairs. Oops! Sorry little one." She said patting her stomach as she shifted around trying to sit up. I rushed to help her as did Anders. "No offense, little one, but Mommy is sure ready for you to come out. I feel like a stranded turtle." She sighed as we helped her. She looked up at Anders with a smile. "Want to feel her?"

"Her?" He asked as she placed his hand on her stomach.

"Lila has decided little one is a girl." I answered as Anders felt the baby kicking. I felt jealous and tried to find something to occupy my mind with as Anders beamed at her and then cooed to her stomach.

"It's hard to tell for sure, but I can check if you want me too." Anders offered her.

"Really?" She asked.

"Yeah. Hold on." Anders closed his eyes and his hands glowed blue. I wished she wouldn't let him have such freedom with his magic around her or the baby, but I had no right to interfere. So I just moved closer, prepared to protect them if need be. He smiled up at her. "I think you're right."

She smiled. "Lea then. Don't tell Sebastian. He's convinced it's a boy."

"Well, my magic can't tell you one hundred percent certain, but I'm pretty sure."

She nodded to him and held her hand out to me. I pulled her to her feet. "Ug. Now the fun part of all those stairs." She turned back to Anders. "Don't make me come back down here, please. I gave you the key. Use it if it's too dangerous on the streets. Come to dinner tonight."

"I'm not sure I should, Hawke. It's not that I don't want to. It's that I don't want to cause problems with you and Sebastian." Anders said looking away from her. I narrowed my eyes at this. He didn't care one bit about Sebastian or causing problems. He wanted to drive them apart.

"It's my house, Anders. Not Sebastian's. I decided who comes over. And he's gone for the next couple of weeks so that's not even an excuse. Please, Anders. Don't make me do those stairs again. Not while I'm toting little one." She pouted at him.

"Alright, but if I get shot at, I'm blaming you." He smiled and kissed her cheek. "I've missed you so much."

"And I've missed you. Would you do me a favor?" She asked smiling at him.

"Anything." He promised.

"Would you gather the others up for dinner tonight as well? All of them. Do not forget to go and get Merrill as well. If you don't want to talk to her, send Isabela or Varric. I miss everyone. Let's have a big get together like we used to. Only this time I won't be drinking so I might actually win a game of cards."

"Not likely. Isabela is a cheat." I said nodding to Anders. I placed my hand on the small of Lila's back and guided her out of the clinic.

"I'll see you in a bit." Anders waved as we entered the secret entrance.

"Are you sure you're up to this?" I asked as she sighed looking at the first set of stairs.

"Yeah. There's plenty of places to sit if I need to. Who's bright idea was it to come down here again?" She teased with a smile.

"Hmm. I wonder." I smiled back at her as we began the climb.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hawke**

The two weeks flew by. My house was full of my friends and laughter again. It was nice. Even more so when they all went home and I was left alone with Fenris. He was attentive and sweet. He had started reading to me and little one in the evenings. At first it had simply been a way for us to continue his reading lessons, but soon it was the part of my day I most looked forward to.

I was trying to keep my feelings tightly reigned. He wasn't ever going to be more than a friend. I was fine with this. I had exactly what I needed. Good friends and a precious little one on the way. All this came to a crashing halt when Sebastian showed back up.

He came in while everyone was over. His jaw had clenched as he saw all of the others around. But he had quickly pasted on a smile and moved over to me.

"I didn't know you were going to be entertaining while I was gone." His words sounded like an accusation. "I had hoped you would be taking it easy."

"I have been taking it easy. Besides Anders says I'm fine so long as I don't over do. And Fenris never lets me get any where near over doing." I frowned at him.

"Still, it's late. I think it would be best if everyone went home." Sebastian said frowning at the others.

"There is no need for any of that. It is my home, Sebastian. You are more than welcome to join us if you wish, if not don't let us keep you." I said turning back to the others. They all looked at each other nervously. "I do believe it's Varric's turn to deal. Maybe he'll not cheat us like Isabela's been doing."

"Hawke, you need to rest. And we have things to discuss. Send everyone home, love." He said and kissed me quickly. I wanted to shove him, but suddenly I found myself agreeing.

"Perhaps we should call it a night." I said frowning as he smiled at me. I saw Fenris and Anders exchange a look. I wondered about that, but didn't ask. "I'll see you all tomorrow night." I said quickly before Sebastian could find some way to stop me.

"You sure?" Varric asked eyeing Sebastian.

"Of course. You are all going to continue to come and see me. No more leaving me alone for months on end. My life is changing with little one coming, but that doesn't mean I don't want and need all of you in it." I smiled even though I didn't feel like it.

I wanted to yell at Sebastian about being rude. I wanted to yell at him about thinking he got to call the shots in my own home. It was time for us to stop this stupid charade.

I caught Fenris' arm as he started out. "Thank you for staying with me. Will I see you in the morning?"

He glanced at Sebastian. He then inclined his head to me. "If you wish it, I will be here."

"Good. Little one and I look forward to continuing the reading lessons then." I smiled at him. I waited until the door was shut behind him before turning to Sebastian. "That was rude, Sebastian. This is my house. I will have over who ever I want."

He moved to me with a patronizing look that I wanted to slap off his face. I wasn't a child to be handled, damn him. "I just want to take care of you. I worry so much about you and our wee one."

"Sebastian, we need to talk." I said and moved to sit in the chair. I didn't want to have this talk. This sort of thing was the whole reason I tried to avoid romance. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to lose his friendship, but we couldn't go on pretending everything was fine between us.

"You're right. We do. Starkhaven is needing me to be there more often. I'm going to discuss with Elthina and Erin about us moving there now rather than after the baby is born." He said moving to sit on the seat across from me.

"Sebastian, please let me talk." I waited for him to nod. "I appreciate all you've done for me. And for my child. I would not have made it through these months without your care and support. Your friendship means the world to me and I never want to hurt you. But we can't go on like this. It's time to end whatever this was."

"What?" He asked looking at me as if I had struck him.

"Sebastian, we don't love each other. Not like we should. You want me to be someone I'm not. And I can't keep pretending. We are too different in our beliefs. We both want different things. I'm sorry for hurting our friendship by allowing my feelings to go beyond that. I was wrong to allow myself to indulge in the fantasy of what could have been. We don't work, Sebastian. I'm sorry, but I think it would be best if you moved out. You need to focus on Starkhaven and your future. I need to focus on my child and what that means for my future."

"You…can't possibly mean this. This isn't how it's supposed to be." Sebastian said looking like he was dazed.

"Sebastian, please don't make this harder. I do care about you. A great deal, but what I thought was love, wasn't. We didn't know each other well enough. My having a child is not your problem to take care of. And it sure isn't a reason to continue in this relationship that doesn't work. You deserve to find someone who can be that woman you want. It's not me."

"This isn't happening. You're wrong, Hawke. You are that woman. You and our child are our future. Our destiny is to rule Starkhaven. Raise our child together. You just don't realize it yet. It's alright. I'll help you." He said and stood up.

"Sebastian, this is my child. Not our child. And I know that you want to believe that we have a future. I did too. But we are too different. We would only cause each other pain if we tried to continue. I have to think of my child now. I can't put her through us fighting and ending things once she's attached to you."

Sebastian looked at me and took a steadying breath. He shook his head and then stalked off. I wanted to crumble to the floor and cry. I didn't like the look of pain on his face. But this was for the best. Maybe someday he would realize it as well.


	10. Chapter 10

**Sebastian**

I stalked from the room reeling. She was trying to ruin everything. I never should have left. This was those mages influence. They had convinced her to turn her back on our destiny. On the Maker's will. I wouldn't let them win. They weren't going to take her from me. They weren't going to ruin her. I would save her from herself and them.

I grabbed two of the potions. Erin had warned me that giving her too much would make her forget large amounts of time. And it would leave her open to larger pushes. I had to do it. I had to save her from herself. She was so sweet and loving. Far too much for her own good. She let the mages plight cause her to stumble off her own path. The Maker would reward her for her goodness. And he would reward me for my saving her.

I opened the door to her room without knocking. She whirled to me, eyes wide with surprise. "Sebastian, what are you doing?" She demanded as I moved to her.

"Saving you." I said and jerked her towards the bed. I didn't like the look of fear she was wearing, but soon it would be alright. I was going to fix this mess.

"Let me go!" She said and tried to pull away from me. I caught her when she stumbled and carried her to the bed. "Stop this, Sebastian!"

"I'm sorry, Hawke. I never wanted it to be like this. Someday you will understand. This is the Maker's will. We are going to be a family." I said as I laid her down on the bed. She kicked out at me and scrambled across the bed. I caught her and jerked her back towards me. "Don't fight me, love. It will only make this harder."

I pinned her and held her hands with one of mine while I fumbled with the potion. Her eyes widened and she began struggling harder. "Please, Sebastian! Don't!" She said. I hated the tears running down her cheeks.

"Shush, love. It's going to be fine. I'm going to make it all better." I promised.

"Sebastian, the baby…please stop!" She cried as I tried to get her to drink the potion. She continued to fight me, spilling the potion. I pressed her harder to the bed as I reached to undo my belt. "No!" She shrieked and bucked beneath me.

"My love, I'm only trying to make this right. I would never hurt you or our son. I don't have many of these left. If you aren't going to cooperate then I'm going to have to bind you." I said and pressed a kiss to her cheek as she turned her head. I quickly bound her hands to the bed. I stroked her cheek, wiping off the tears. "It's going to be alright. I'll be right back and everything will be right again." I promised and hurried to my room. I was relieved Bohdan and the others were already in bed. The Amell estate was nicely sound proof. They would never hear her screams. I didn't need anyone else to interfere with this. It was all going to be better in just a few minutes.

I paused as I entered her…no, our room. She was struggling with my belt, but I had bound her well enough she had no hope of freeing herself. She froze when she saw me. She was beautiful. My Hawke.

"Please, Sebastian. Stop this craziness. Let me go. Please. There is no way the Maker would want you to hurt the baby. Please listen to me." She begged as I moved to her. I climbed over her and pinned her legs under mine.

"You're right, love. I won't hurt either of you. Ever. I'm going to protect you both. You're mine. The Maker gave you to me. This is his will. We are meant to be. You'll understand it all in time. I'm going to save you from the mages." I promised.

I poured the first potion down her throat when she opened her mouth to plead more. I held her mouth closed as she thrashed and tried to spit it out. Finally she was forced to swallow it. The fear didn't dim fully in her eyes, but I could see the potion was starting to work. She went limp under me. She turned her head away from me, tears falling down her cheeks to darken the blanket. I stroked her cheek and waited a few minutes for the potion to kick in fully.

"Hawke, look at me." I ordered. She turned her face back to me. I cringed when I saw the red marks from my hand on her mouth. "Oh, my sweet love, I never meant to hurt you. Forgive me, Hawke. It's all going to be better now. I'm going to untie your hands. Will you take this potion now?"

She blinked slowly as if she was struggling to stay awake. "The baby…"

"Will be just fine, love. Take the potion." I said helping her sit up. She obediently drank the potion. "That's it, my love. It's going to be alright now. I won't let them hurt you anymore." I promised and kissed her head as she curled into my side.

I felt crushing guilt as she looked up at me with that blank look. I didn't want to trick her. I didn't want to force her. But what choice was left when she was so damn stubborn?

"Love, I need you to write some letters to your companions." I said helping her stand up. She didn't argue. She didn't agree. She didn't say a word. She just moved with me and did everything I commanded her to.

I had her write a letter for each of the companions telling them she didn't want to see them anymore. That she was marrying me and we were leaving for Starkhaven soon. That as the future princess she couldn't continue in her associations. Once those were safely tucked away, I lead her back to the bedroom.

"Marry me, Hawke." I demanded. She stared at me blankly. I pulled her to me and kissed her. She passively allowed me to. I closed my eyes in defeat. This was the work of the potions. I had no choice but to finish planting my new commands for her. Then tomorrow when the potion was out of her system and everything was as it should be, we would celebrate our engagement. "You will agree to marry me. We will leave here and take over Starkhaven. You will be my princess. We will raise our children up in the Maker's will. They and you will be devoted to the Chantry as you should have been if your parents hadn't corrupted you. You will be devoted to me, as I am to you. Once we have Starkhaven secure, we will return here for you to secure your throne as Viscountess of Kirkwall. The Maker has decreed it. Our union will strengthen the Free Marches and prepare us for the coming storms." I said leading her to the bed. I slowly undressed her and put her in a gown. "I will also be sharing your bed and room from now on. You are mine, Hawke." I whispered as I climbed into bed with her. She curled up and drifted to sleep. I watched her for a while, praying I could be the man I had been called to be. That I could be the man worthy of my beloved Hawke.


	11. Chapter 11

**Fenris**

I arrived at Lila's early. I stayed hidden as I watched her bidding Sebastian goodbye. Something wasn't right. She kissed him.

"Will you be gone long?" She asked sounding worried.

"Not long, love. Nothing will keep me from you now." He promised. "I just need to tell Elthina about our new plans. When I get back I will discuss with Bohdan what to pack up and what to store. Don't worry about a thing. I will make this move as easy on you and wee one as possible." He said and kissed her lingeringly before he walked off. I waited until he was gone before I hurried into the house.

"Fenris?" She asked looking surprised. She then frowned. "What are you doing here?"

"You invited me." I said confused.

"I haven't even seen you in weeks. When would I have invited you?"

"Lila, I was here with everyone last night. You asked me to come over this morning and continue with the reading lessons."

"What?" She asked looking confused.

"Ah, Master Fenris. How did you fair last night after I went to bed?" Bohdan asked as he entered the main hall. Lila looked at him confused.

"Fenris was here last night?" She asked. Bohdan looked at her puzzled.

"Of course, Mistress. Are you feeling alright?"

"But…I…"

"Lila?" I asked and moved to her as she turned pale. "What's wrong? Do you want me to get Anders?"

"No!" She said and moved back from me. "I don't need a healer. And if I did I would send for Erin." She backed away from me. "You shouldn't be here, Fenris. Sebastian will be back soon. Please leave." She said and then fled up the stairs and to her room. I stared after her dumbfounded. Send for Erin? Hadn't she been insisting these last two weeks that the only healer she wanted was Anders? I turned to Bohdan.

"What happened?" I demanded. He looked nervous.

"I don't know. But…" He trailed off.

"But?" I prompted.

"It's not my place to say, especially with them back to getting married, but…"

"But what, Bohdan?" I snapped.

"Something seems off with her. Mainly when he's around. She changes her mind. Does and says things she wouldn't normally. She doesn't remember stuff as well. Thought it was the pregnancy, but this seems different."

"Do you think he's hurting her?" I asked feeling fear and anger coil in my stomach.

"I wouldn't say that. He loves her and wants to take care of her, but I think his ideas for those differ from hers."

"Can you keep an eye on her?" I asked and started for the door.

"Always, but what are you going to do?" He asked worriedly.

"Figure out what is going on." I said and disappeared heading for the one person I most didn't want to go to for help.


	12. Chapter 12

**Elthina**

I was growing worried. Things didn't seem to be going according to plan anymore. Andraste had stopped coming to see me the night I told her Hawke was pregnant. She said all was as it should be. And for a time, it had seemed so. But now Hawke was avoiding the Chantry, running around with her old crew, and fighting with Sebastian.

I had heard the rumors she had called off the engagement. All shortly before he had had to go to Starkhaven for a bit. He said it was just an argument, but I wondered. Sebastian was having to use potions more frequently. I had thought everything would fall into place now, but it didn't seem to be happening.

I looked up as Sebastian entered the Chantry. I could see his smile all the way from the dais. He hurried through the Chantry to me.

"Sebastian." I nodded to him. He beamed.

"Elthina, we need to talk, privately." He said practically vibrating with happiness.

I motioned him towards my office. I followed behind him wondering about this. I knew he had gotten home last night. Surely they hadn't worked out their differences so easily. I closed the door behind us and sat down at my desk. He continued to pace in front of it for a moment before he finally stopped and turned to me with a smile.

"She has agreed to marry me. We are leaving for Starkhaven by the end of the week."

"What?" I asked stunned. We needed Hawke to keep the peace here. She was the one they were all listening to.

"Just until our throne is secure and the babe born. We will then return. It's the only way, Elthina. I have to get her away from the others." He said, his eyes shining with happiness.

"I had heard rumors she had called off the engagement."

He waved me off. "She was only angry about a fight. She's seen reason now."

I had a sick feeling it wasn't that simple. "What have you done, Sebastian?"

He leaned on the desk. "What I must to save her and our child. I will do anything I must to protect them. The Maker gave them to me. It is my duty to see them safe. Even from herself."

"Please tell me you didn't hurt her." I said standing up. He narrowed his eyes at me.

"I would never hurt her. What do you think I am? I love her. She just needed a bit of taming. She'll see that it was all for her own good in time."

"Sebastian, what have you done?"

"She was ruining everything. They had corrupted her. Without me there, there was no one to protect her from their influence. I had to give her more of the potions than normal. She was resistant to the pushes I was giving her. She was going to continue to fight me."

"Sebastian! If you gave her too much you could erase her memories!" I protested. This was not at all going as it was supposed to. She was supposed to turn to us. Not us coerce her to turn to us. She was supposed to welcome Sebastian's affections. She was supposed to be quelling the fight with the mages. This was not at all how it was supposed to be.

"I had to erase their influence. She has lost some memories, but it is for the best. She was completely open to all my pushes then. She even told the companions to stay away from her. Everything is how it was meant to be." He said pleading with me to understand.

"Sebastian, this is not how it was supposed to be. The potions weren't meant for you to remove her will completely. They were just to soften her to you. She was too sure she couldn't be with you. We had to make her see she could. She was supposed to do this willingly."

"And now she will. The Maker said she is meant to be my wife. That we are meant to rule the Free Marches. She is the only way to end the mage rebellion peacefully. Her friends," He sneered the word. "use and corrupt her. I had to remove them so she could see clearly. I also had to undo the hang ups her parents gave her about the Chantry. This is the only way."

"Sebastian, this is wrong." I shook my head feeling guilt wash over me. I had drove him to this. I had known how much he was struggling with his emotions about her. I should have known that Sebastian would go to this extreme if he felt it necessary. Some how along the way we had lost sight of the Maker's will in this. That was why it wasn't working right. "We need to pray for guidance."

"This isn't wrong! You said Andraste told you all of this. You said the Maker willed it. Hawke is too good and kind to ever push them away on her own. She would have fallen from the Maker's grace if I didn't do something. It will all be as it should. I'm taking her back with me. We do not need your approval, Elthina. But I will remind you, you are the one who started this."

"Are you blackmailing me?" I asked stunned. I knew this Sebastian. This was the Sebastian I had pulled out of a tavern all those years ago. The one who was ruthless when he set his sights on something. Maker forgive me, I had broken Sebastian. All the times I tried to help him, I only failed him.

"I'm warning you." He said leaning closer and glaring at me.

"Sebastian, please think about this." I begged as he started for the door.

"There is nothing to think about, Elthina. This is the way it is going to be. I never would have thought you would fail to obey the Maker. I thought you were too good to fall. But I guess I was wrong about you. Maker forgive your weakness." He said and slammed the door shut behind him.

We were supposed to help Hawke. We were supposed to be uniting a family, saving the lands, and bring peace to the rebels. Not ruin the woman who had given so much to a land that wasn't her own. What had I done? I fell to my knees praying for guidance and help. I was met with silence.


	13. Chapter 13

**Varric**

"I know he's doing something to her! You saw her last night! There is no way she could go from that to this in one night." Anders said slamming his letter down on the table.

I had come down here the moment Isabela and I got ours. She had gone to see Aveline and Merrill. If my suspicions were confirmed, they had all gotten one as well.

"Why would he do this? Why is he pushing us away?" I asked trying to understand it, and hoping to keep Justice from making an appearance.

"Because he wants to keep forcing her to do as he wants." Anders snapped. "He's trying to cut her off from all of us so he can force her to be another Chantry zealot like himself. He's going to cut us all off from her so he can brainwash her."

"He lets Fenris around her." I pointed out. "And Aveline, myself, and Isabela have no opinion on this mage verses templar brawl that you are always dragging her into."

"That beast agrees with Sebastian." Anders snarled.

"That beast doesn't agree with Sebastian on the Chantry zealotry." Fenris growled as he appeared in the door way. He looked furious and a bit disheveled.

"Take it you got one of these as well?" I asked holding up my letter.

"What is it?" He frowned at me.

"So if you didn't get a letter from Hawke, why are you down here? Come to gloat that you're the only one allowed near her again?" Anders raged.

"She sent letters?" He asked looking shocked.

"Yeah. Got them a short while ago." I answered with a nod as he ignored Anders.

"I haven't been home since early." He said shaking his head as he read the letter I handed him. "This isn't like her. She wasn't herself when I went over this morning."

"What do you mean?" I asked waving off Anders as he started to rant some more.

"She was acting strange. Almost as if she was afraid of me. She said she hadn't seen me in weeks. You all heard her invite me over last night, right?" He asked looking at me. I nodded. "She said I shouldn't be there and bolted. I think…" He paused and made a face. He took a deep breath and looked at Anders. "That you are right. I think he's doing something to her."

"Oh, so now you believe me! As soon as she wises up and tells you to get lost, Sebastian's not such a saint anymore." Anders snapped at him.

"Anders, let's focus on the important thing here. Something's going on with Hawke. We need to figure out what. If Broody wants to help us, that's a good thing. We're all on the same side here. He can walk through walls and go all invisible. Makes spying and sneaking easier." I pointed out before the two of them could tear each other apart. I wasn't sure how Hawke managed them all these years.

"I have a key to her house. We don't need him." Anders said turning away from us.

"But there is more than just a lock to get past. There's Bohdan for one thing." I pointed out.

"He's worried about her as well. He's going to keep an eye on her. He's on our side." Fenris said quickly. "And as for being able to get around the house, Isabela and I would probably be the best. She's a master at stealth and as you pointed out, I can walk through walls and go invisible."

"We have to go about this carefully. If we get caught, the mood Hawke's in, she'll have us thrown in jail." I warned. The two of them began arguing over the plan. I sighed and rubbed my head. "Listen, you two don't have to like each other, but for now, you have to be allies. Hawke and little Hawke are at stake. None of us want to see them hurt. We all care about them. So knock off the fighting and focus on saving her." They glared at each other but nodded. "Good. Now let's move this to my room. I have better drinks than Anders. And we need to meet up with the women. But if the rumors are true, we have to move quick. He's planning on moving them by the end of the week."


	14. Chapter 14

**Fenris**

It was difficult to convince Anders and Varric to wait in the basement. Aveline had gone back to her office. She said if we were caught at least this way she could handle our arrest. Merrill decided to wait for us at Anders clinic. She said she just didn't feel right about breaking into Lila's.

"Should we search her room or his?" Isabela asked.

"His. He keeps her in her room the most of the time." I whispered back. "This way." I motioned her to follow me. We crept through the strangely quiet house.

"I can pick this." Isabela said as she crouched down by the locked door. I glowed and reached through the door, quickly unlocking it. I shoved it open and motioned her in. She sighed and rolled her eyes. "You ruin all my fun."

"You can pick it next time. We need to hurry."

"Next time? I like the sound of that, handsome." She said giving me that inviting look again. I kept my sigh to myself. She couldn't seem to understand why I wasn't interested.

"Just start looking around for something." I grumbled and moved over to his wardrobe.

"What are you doing?" Asked Bohdan from the open doorway. We both jumped and looked at him.

"Bohdan…we were…" I trailed off unsure what to say as he eyed us.

"Look, you know what we're doing. We're trying to find evidence that he's doing something to Hawke. If you are wanting to help, keep your voice down. We don't want them to hear us." Isabela said eyeing the dwarf.

He looked at me. "There is no need to sneak around. They are gone to the Chantry to hear the reading of the Chant of Light. And he moved all of his things to her room except for one chest. He keeps it locked up in that other chest there." Bohdan pointed to a chest at the foot of the bed.

"He moved his things into her room?" I snarled unable to help it.

"Don't know why he's not before now. He's been sleeping in her room this whole time." Bohdan shook his head. "Just be sure to lock up this room when you get done. Don't want him thinking we've been in here. He's planning on taking us three for now. Don't want to give him a reason to dismiss us as well."

"He's been sharing her bed." I seethed after Bohdan left.

"Fenris, focus. A locked chest inside of a locked chest. That sound suspicious to anyone else?" Varric asked as he and Anders appeared in the doorway.

"You two were supposed to wait." I frowned at them.

"Yeah, well, we didn't." Anders shrugged.

"Come to momma." Isabela said with a laugh as she popped the first lock and then pulled out a smaller chest.

We all moved closer to see what she would find next. She opened it and I reached around her to pull out one of the potion bottles. I held it up to the light and frowned at it. I had never seen a potion that color before. It was a light golden brown color. Almost like a weak tea. I looked at Anders as he opened another and sniffed it.

"What is it?" Varric asked.

"I'm not sure. Some sort of potion. But I've never seen it before." Anders shook his head.

"Can you figure it out?" I asked.

"If I can't, I know someone who can. I need to take some though. Do you think he would miss a bottle?" Anders asked swirling the potion around.

"Definitely can't take the chance." Isabela frowned. "If he's having to have this made up, he knows how many there are. Maybe we can take a little from each bottle and fill another one?"

"I don't have an empty bottle on me." Anders said and looked at Varric.

"Don't look at me." He held up his hands.

"Oh, you men are impossible. Aren't you glad you brought me along? I'll be right back." Isabela said as she took off out of the room. She returned a few minutes later with an empty bottle with a pretty glass stopper.

"Where did you get that?" Varric asked.

"Hawke collects them." Isabela answered.

"Won't she notice one missing?" I frowned at her.

"Nope. She put this one away. It was a gift from Gascard."

"Gascard?" I asked. That name was familiar but I couldn't place it.

"The necromancer's apprentice? Seems he had developed quite a crush on our lovely Hawke. He had set about courting her until…well…you know the rest."

"Why didn't she destroy it?" Anders asked frowning at the offending bottle.

"You know Hawke. She didn't want to leave a mess for Bohdan or Orana to deal with." She sighed.

"We're wasting time." I reminded them. It was a slow process making sure to only take a small amount of the potion, but soon the bottle had a good amount in it.

"You two go on back to Anders'. We'll be behind you after we get the room righted." Isabela said motioning them on as she put the bottles back in the chest and worked on locking it all back up.

"Hurry." Varric nodded to us and they left.

I locked the door behind us and motioned her to go on. We heard the front door open and Sebastian's voice. "Go." I ordered her. She nodded and disappeared into the shadows. I waited. I needed to see Lila.

"See, my love, that wasn't at all like you thought, was it?" He asked smiling at her as he guided her into the main hall. Bohdan glanced up the stairs, but I was ghosted so he couldn't see me.

"I suppose not." Lila answered looking tired. "Bohdan, would you have Orana make me some of that tea Anders makes me." She then frowned as if she was confused.

Sebastian moved to her. "Are you feeling alright?"

She shook her head as if clearing it. "Just tired. I think I'll lay down for a while."

"You do that, love. I'll bring you some tea up in a bit." Sebastian said soothingly.

"Oh, that sounds nice. Some of that ginger tea Anders makes for me would be good." She said with a nod. Sebastian looked pained for a second and quickly kissed her cheek.

I watched her as she climbed the stairs. She was forgetting things she had just said now? We had to get to the bottom of this immediately. She paused beside me when she got to the landing. I held my breath. There was no way she could see me, but she looked right at me.

"Fenris?" She looked uncertain for a moment. She then shook her head again and moved to her room. I released the breath I had been holding and hurried to the basements. We had to save her.


	15. Chapter 15

**Anders**

I hated going to the Gallows, but I had little choice now. I had managed to figure out what most of the ingredients were, but I still didn't know all of them or what on Thedas it could possibly be. There was only one man who would. Solivitus.

He looked around as I made my way to him. "What brings you here, my friend? And without your lovely guardian."

"I'm here needing some information." I glanced around hoping to keep from attracting too much attention.

He looked worried. "Anders, I had enough trouble getting you those books you wanted. There's no way I can get you the ingredients you need. I told you where you could find them."

I waved him off. "No. Not that. Here, take a look at this potion." I handed him the bottle.

"What have you…" He trailed off and his eyes widened. "Put this away!" He hissed shoving it back at me. He glanced around frantically. I quickly pocketed the potion.

"I'm going to take it you know what it is." I said quietly.

"Where did you get that?" He demanded.

"It doesn't matter. What matters is what is it? And what is it used for?"

"We can't discuss this here. Meet me in the tunnels tonight." He said and then moved into his booth. "Here it is. Steep it for no more than fifteen minutes and it will help ease the pain." Solivitus said handing me a small bag of herbs. I handed him some coins and quickly left the Gallows. The last thing I wanted to do was wait a moment longer to hear about this or enter those tunnels again without Hawke. She was the only thing that had saved me the last time we went.

"Well?" Fenris demanded as I entered the clinic.

"Are you going to continue to hover?" I snapped at him. He was another reason to hurry up with all this. I was more than ready to get him back out of my life.

"Until you find out, yes. Trust me, mage, I don't like this any more than you do." He said narrowing his eyes at me.

"We won't know anything until later. Solivitus knew what it was, but whatever it is spooked him. I'm supposed to meet him in the tunnels tonight."

"The tunnels? You're going to go into the tunnels alone?" Fenris smirked at me. "You are even more of a fool than I thought."

"What choice do I have?" I snapped at him.

"We're going with you." Varric said as he joined us. "It wouldn't do any good for you to find out what it is only to be killed down there."

"So now we wait." I sighed. At least I wasn't going to go alone.

A few hours later we slipped into the tunnels, hurrying through to the end. Solivitus was waiting for us. He paced the small room looking fearful. He started when he saw us.

"What mess are you in now, Anders?" He asked with a shake of his head.

"It's not my mess." I protested.

"Tell us what it is." Fenris snapped at him.

"It's illegal outside of Tevinter. There it's called Liquid Obedience. Here, the templars use it. They call it Mage Tamer."

"Liquid Obedience?" I asked and glanced at Fenris.

"I'm going to kill him!" Fenris snarled as he began to glow.

"You know what it is?" Varric asked.

"In large doses it erases your memory. In small doses it puts you in a trance. Leaves you open to suggestions. The templars are using it here to keep mages who are starting to question too much. Since Alrik was killed they have been looking for alternatives to making mages tranquil." Solivitus answered.

"So he's been giving her suggestions? That explains before, but not this big change." Varric said and shook his head.

"If someone has been given this repeatedly, there could be complications." Solivitus said looking at me.

"What do you mean?" I asked worriedly.

"Well, the person can build up a tolerance, requiring larger doses to be kept obedient or it could just stop working all together. Or they could stay in a trance like state all the time. There are lots of problems with it. Given in small doses repeatedly, the person can become programmed to suggestions. A command word can be used to control them even without the potion."

"All the times she's suddenly agreed with him." Varric nodded to me.

"But what about now? She's forgetting lots of things. Even things she just said. And she's completely doing as he wants." Fenris protested.

"It sounds like they were given a larger dose. This could be a problem. Memory loss is a part of it. If they are forgetting things currently, they have been given too much for too long. Any more and they will lose all memories. At least that is the theory. No one knows for sure. As I said, it is illegal outside of Tevinter." Solivitus said shaking his head.

"Wouldn't she remember the smaller doses?" Varric asked.

"Some of the mages who have been given it mention having strange dreams of the templars coming into their rooms, but that has only happened a few times. Most never remember drinking it at all." Solivitus answered.

"Is there something we can do to reverse it?" I asked worried. We should have destroyed the damned potions when we saw them. I wanted to rub it in to Fenris that Sebastian wasn't a saint, but this was too serious to even be able to gloat.

"That tea I gave you earlier. It can stop the effects. It blocks the ambrosia which is the key ingredient in the potion. If they drink that tea, it would protect them from the potion." Solivitus answered. "Possibly even reverse some of the damage. Though that would depend on the length and amount given. Again, this is all in theory."

"Can you mix it with the ginger tea you make her?" Fenris asked looking at me. "She still ask for it."

"For nausea?" Solivictus asked. I nodded. "That should be fine. Is the girl pregnant?" He asked. I nodded again. "The tea is safe to drink. If you need more of the tea, let me know."

"Who could have given this to him? Is there anyone here who makes it?" Varric asked.

"Few other than myself know of it and we are all watched closely. If this person isn't a templar, I don't know how he could get it. Though there was a healer who took her vows. She might have known. She did come from a Circle in Tevinter." We three glanced at each other. Erin. No wonder Hawke said she didn't trust her.

"Thank you, Solivitus." I nodded to him. I waited until he was gone before I turned to the others. "How are we going to get this added to her tea?"

"Give it to me. I'll put it in the tea." Fenris said. "That bastard has a lot to answer for. How long do you think he's been doing this?"

I stopped as cold horror washed over me. "Andraste's knicker weasel! He said they dreamed…no…could it be…would he really…" I trailed off and shook my head. Surely he didn't. He was a monster, but could he possibly be that bad of one.

"Spit it out, mage!" Fenris snapped.

I looked up at him. "She…when I discovered she was pregnant…" I took a breath and continued. "She said she had been having dreams of him. Him and her…in bed. She said sometimes when she woke up she could still smell him beside her. She thought she was possessed. You don't think that…"

"He's the father of the baby?" Varric finished and sat down on a rock. "It would explain his possessiveness when he talks of their baby."

"I'm going to kill him!" Fenris said and took off.

"Wait! We need to get the tea to her!" I yelled after him. He paused and looked back at me.

"Then hurry." He growled and took off again.


	16. Chapter 16

**Fenris**

"You can't kill him." Varric said stopping me as I started for the door.

"Just try and stop me."

"Think, Fenris. Hawke cares about him. Not like he's making her, but she does. The tea is only going to block the potions effects. He didn't say it would restore all of her memories. If you kill him, she's going to want answers. We can't tell her about this. She would be devastated."

"He can't get away with this!" Anders protested.

"And he won't. I say we give her the tea and have a chat with Sebastian. Confront him with his special box. Give him an ultimatum. He leaves her alone or we turn him in." Varric answered.

"And if he refuses?" I asked.

"Then we get rid of him. But we need to try and reason with him. For Hawke's sake. And the baby. I can't believe that bastard got her pregnant."

"Apparently Sebastian isn't the man he pretends to be." I said angrily.

He had let us all believe she had been raped by a slaver. He had let me go around feeling guilty, thinking it was my fault. And all the while, it had been him. I had been fooled by him and his kindness. I had believed he was a man of the Maker. I had trusted him. We had become friends. And he had used and harmed Lila.

"I want to know how a sister of the Chantry could do something like this. How could she help him hurt Hawke?" Anders shook his head.

"That is a good question. How would he convince her to do it?" Varric nodded.

"It doesn't matter how or why! All that matters is that it stops!" I snapped.

"But what if she can do something to counter our counter? We need to speak with her. We need to figure this out, Fenris. We don't want to risk them doing something else to Hawke. What if more are involved? What if this is a templar conspiracy?" Anders pressed.

"You see templar conspiracies everywhere, mage." I growled.

"He could be right. This time at least. I mean, Sebastian wasn't always like this. He got weird and possessive of Hawke shortly before she found out she was pregnant, right?" Varric asked.

"What's your point?" I demanded.

"What if he's being coerced into this as well? We need to know what we're up against." Varric pressed.

"Do you honestly believe he's been coerced into sleeping with her?" I snapped.

"Fenris, I know you're angry, but we need to know. The only way we can protect her is if we know everything."

"The most important thing is making sure she's safe. We need to give her the tea. Once we know she's going to be alright, we can confront him. We need to do it away from her though. Varric's right about us not letting her know about this." Anders said with a nod.

"Fine. But if he comes near her again, I'm killing him." I snapped.

**-0-0-0-0-**

"Fenris?" Lila asked looking up at me worriedly. I had finally managed to convince the others to let me try alone. I had found her sitting on the floor of her room, clutching her journal to her and rocking.

"Lila, what's wrong?" I asked dropping to my knees beside her.

"You aren't supposed to be here. I…why aren't you supposed to be here? He doesn't want you here. I don't want you here. But I do want you here. I'm so confused. Something's wrong. It hurts to think. I can't keep track of time and…" She looked up at me tears filling her eyes. "Help me."

"I will." I promised and held out the cup of tea to her. "Drink this."

"He made me drink something. Or did I dream it? I can't tell anymore. Are you real? Are you here? Anders said I wasn't possessed, but I think he was wrong."

"Hush, Lila. It's going to be fine now. I won't let him hurt you anymore. Drink the tea. It will help you." I soothed shifting so I could support her as she took the cup.

"You won't hurt me or little one. She likes you." She said nodding slowly. I watched her as she took a sip of the tea. "This doesn't taste right."

"All of it, Lila. It will be alright." I promised. Her breathing slowed down from the panicked it had been after the first sip. She leaned into me more and finished the cup. I held her as she collapsed. Her eyes fluttered shut and she went limp. "Anders!" I shouted as I gathered her up and carried her towards the bed. Varric, Anders, and Bohdan burst into the room. "Do something!"

Anders rushed to us and began examining her. He laid a hand on her head and closed his eyes. "She's fine. The herbs are working. She should wake in a moment." He said nodding to us. I sat down on the bed beside her and held her hand.

"Look at this." Varric said as he flipped through her journal. "We are going to have to get rid of this as well. She's been confused for a while now."

"She was slipping into madness. What did he hope to accomplish?" Anders asked after he had flipped through the journal. He grimaced about something and handed it to me. "You'll probably want to see this."

"I don't think we should be invading her privacy like that." I frowned at them.

"She mentions you." Anders said looking away from us.

I looked down at the book torn. I wanted to read it, but I didn't. I didn't want to see how much I had failed her again. I should have seen it more clearly. I should have realized she wasn't happy. That something was wrong. I should have been there for her more. I let guilt blind me, saying it was just that I was jealous it was him who had her. I slipped the book into my pouch as she groaned and began to wake up.

She opened her eyes and looked at me in confusion. "Fenris? Did I fall asleep again?"

"How are you feeling?" Anders asked moving to the other side of the bed so he could see her.

She glanced at him. "I feel like I'm waking from a long, hard sleep. My mind feels strange. What happened?"

"You had a bit of a fall again, Mistress. But the good Masters have taken care of you." Bohdan said moving to my side.

"Do you want us to go?" I asked wondering how much of a change the tea was going to do.

"Go? Why would I want you to go?" She asked frowning at me. "Didn't I tell you that I don't want any of you to leave me again?" We glanced at each other. It was as if the last couple of days were gone. She was back to the Lila I had stayed with. I couldn't stop myself and pulled her into my arms, hugging her tightly. She stiffened for a moment and then tentatively hugged me back. "Fenris?" She asked worriedly.

"I'm sorry, Lila. You just scared us." I whispered and pulled back from her. She gave me that smile that melted me and took my hand.

"Well, I don't like scaring you, but that was a nice change from your normal run away when you get uncomfortable routine."

"I'm not running anywhere anymore." I promised. She smiled at me warmly and then looked over at Anders as he sat on the bed. She reached out and took his hand.

"So? Little one and me are alright? No harm from the fall?" She asked.

"No. Fenris was there to catch you." He said giving me a grudging nod. "You're going to be just fine now."

"I hate to cut this short, but where's Sebastian?" Varric asked looking around. "We need to go and take care of some things."

"Sebastian? Is he back?" She asked.

"Just recently, Mistress. Sebastian went to the Chantry. He had some things to take care of there. You three don't worry a thing about Mistress anymore. Orana and I will take good care of her. And there were three ladies waiting to come see you if you feel up to it." Bohdan said.

"Aveline, Isabela, and Merrill?" Lila asked.

"That would be us, angel. How are you feeling? Up to some company?" Isabela asked as they appeared in the door.

"I'm always up for your company. I have a feeling the men aren't going to let me out of bed so we'll have to make do here." Lila said patting the bed.

"I can think of many worse places to have to find some sort of entertainment." Isabela said suggestively flushing Lila's cheeks.

"Isabela!" She cried embarrassedly.

"We'll be back." I promised.

"I think I should go with you." Aveline said.

"I think you should stay with Lila." I frowned at her. She narrowed her eyes at me.

"Are you guys going to do something big without me?" Lila pouted.

"Nothing much, Hawke. Don't worry about a thing. We'll be back in a bit." Varric said and patted her hand. "You three keep it up and you'll ruin the surprise."

"The surprise?" Lila asked. "I hate surprises!"

"Not this one. And don't even think about bugging them about it. We'll have it all finished in another couple of days. You need to learn a little patience." Varric said winking at her. "Come on guys. We need to hurry."

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, we turned to Varric. "What surprise?" I asked.

He smiled. "I had to think up something quick or she would get suspicious. But don't worry, I have a surprise planned."

"Are we going to be in on the surprise?" Anders asked as we started out the door again.

"We're going to fix up Sebastian's room into the baby's room." Varric nodded.

"Wouldn't that be a job better suited to the girls?" I asked.

"Have you met the girls?" Varric laughed. He patted my arm. "Don't worry, Broody. I won't make you do anything to ruin your tough guy image. Speaking of tough guy, let's go and kick some ass."


	17. Chapter 17

**Fenris**

We headed to the Chantry. They were still arguing about who we were going to talk to first. Anders thought we should start with the sister mage. Varric thought we shouldn't wait to speak to Sebastian. I didn't want to do any speaking. I wanted to do some killing, but I had been overruled. I knew their logic was sound. Killing him would make Lila question us, but it didn't stop the desire.

So while they argued about who to talk to, I fantasized about killing him. Would I enter him and blow him up? No, that would be too quick. Challenging him to a sword fight would take more time, but the man didn't know how to wield even a dagger.

Stupid archer. No wonder he had wanted to take me with him to Starkhaven. The man was weak and needed someone stronger to protect him.

Ripping his heart out sounded good. If I was quick enough I was able to show them the beating heart for a split second before they died. But it was also a quick death. Beating him would be the most satisfactory. He wasn't nearly as strong as me, despite him being bulkier.

His flesh would bruise beneath my fist. I could hear the wet sound as I broke his nose and then split his lip. Blood pouring from his nose and mouth, running down his face to stain his pristine armor. He would try and fight back, thinking his mass would aid him, but I would just ghost out of his holds. A blow to the ribs staggering him. A strike to the knee, knocking him to the ground. A blow to the groin simply for satisfaction. He would be curled on the ground pleading with me to stop. But I wouldn't.

I would sneer at him. "Like you stopped with Lila?" He would look up at me frightened and shake his head.

"Wait. I can explain." He would plead, but I wouldn't care to hear his words.

I would jerk him to his feet. Then I would slam into him, knocking the wind from him as he hit the wall. I would wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze. Just enough to keep him silent. He would thrash and gasp. He would try and pry my hands off of him, but I had been trained for this. I could hold him on the brink of death for hours. But I wouldn't. I would toy with him. Let him see that his life was mine, and then I would snap his neck. I wouldn't want to take any more time from Lila.

"Fenris? You with us?" Varric asked snapping me out of my thoughts.

"What?" I asked frowning at them. We were standing at the door of the Chantry.

"You seemed out of it. We're going in now. We agreed to find the mage unless we spotted Sebastian." Varric answered.

"Whatever." I snarled. I flexed my fingers as we entered the Chantry. The dreams weren't satisfactory enough. Talking wasn't going to ease the rage that boiled in me.

"Well, this isn't going to be as easy as we thought." Anders sighed as we spotted the mage speaking with a couple of other sisters at the front of the Chantry.

"Let's get close and keep an eye on her. At least here, if we see Sebastian leaving, we can go after him." Varric said. As we neared the sisters another one entered the room hurrying to them.

"Sister Erin, the Grand Cleric request your presence immediately. Sebastian is here. He was upset." The woman said nodding to Erin. Erin paled and bowed her head to them before hurrying away.

We glanced at each other. "The Grand Cleric is involved?" Anders asked almost looking thrilled. He quickly schooled his features as I glared at him.

"To what extent? And to what purpose? This whole thing is screwed up." Varric said shaking his head. "Come on. Seems we're going to get to confront them all together. You got the box, Blondie?" Varric asked. Anders patted a bag he had slung over his shoulder.

"Let's get this over with." I said and pushed past them heading for the stairs.

A sister attempted to stop me outside of the Grand Cleric's office. "You can't just barge in there!" She cried.

"Try and stop me." I snarled at her and shoved the door open. Anders and Varric hurried into the room after me.

"What is the meaning of this?" Elthina asked standing up and frowning at us. Erin looked at the three of us and then over at Sebastian who was towering over her. A snarl on his own face. I kicked the door shut in the face of the sputtering sister.

"We have a bone to pick with the prince here." Varric said in way of explanation.

"You can't just come in here and demand to see him. This is a private study." Elthina said trying to maintain an air of control, though I could see her worry as she glanced at Sebastian.

"Anything you have to say to me can be said out of the Chantry. But if this is about Hawke asking you to leave her alone, you have already been given all the explanation you need." Sebastian said turning to look at us calmly. Smug bastard.

"This is about Hawke, but it's not about the letters you forced her to write." Anders said through gritted teeth.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sebastian answered easily. "I never forced her to do anything."

"Except to push us away, sleep with you, have your child, and marry you." Varric countered narrowing his eyes at her.

"I would never do anything like that! I love her and only want the best for her. These wild stories are not becoming of you. I'm sorry you are upset about her decision, but it is for the best. Maybe in time she will return to a friendly nature with some of you." Sebastian said raising his head and having the nerve to look outraged.

"Save it, you bastard, we know about the potions!" I yelled at him. Varric and Anders moved closer to me as I began to glow.

"I don't know what you're talking about, but you would do well to remember who you are speaking to." Sebastian said continuing the calm act, but I could see the fear in his eyes now. "Don't be sore that she chose me, Fenris."

It was too much. "She didn't chose you, you son of a bitch!" I roared and started for him. Varric and Anders grabbed my arms, trying to hold me back.

"If you black his eye, Hawke is going to notice it." Varric warned. I ghosted out of their hold, and slammed into him, punching him in the gut. He doubled over, gasping in pain.

"She won't see that bruise." I said continuing to stand over him, daring him to move again.

"Sebastian, I think it best if we speak honestly. If you gentlemen will please refrain from more violence, we do have a problem. Hawke is in danger…" Elthina started.

"Not anymore. We took care of her." Anders snapped and then turned to Erin. "How could you do that to someone? You must know what those potions can do to a person, yet you continued to do it. Do you even care that she was nearly destroyed by this? That she was forced to sleep with a man? That she believes her first time was at the hands of a slaver? Though I suppose the rape part of her thought is true." Anders glared at Sebastian.

"I didn't rape her! I gave her a choice. I courted her! The Maker gave her to me. You are the ones hurting her!" Sebastian said straightening. I slammed my fist into him again.

"What choice did she have once you had given her the potion?" I growled.

"She could have said no." Sebastian wheezed.

"She thought it was a dream. She didn't know it was real." Anders said frowning at him.

"She's alright though?" Elthina asked drawing the attention off of Sebastian.

"She doesn't remember the last two days. She didn't know Sebastian was back. And that is the way it is going to stay." Varric said narrowing his eyes at her. "I don't know what sick game you three were playing at, but it ends now."

"I agree." Elthina said with a nod.

"What?" Sebastian roared.

"Sebastian, this isn't the Maker's will. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We need to pray about where we went wrong. We need to return to his plan or it will continue to spin out of control." Elthina tried to sooth him. I didn't like all this Maker's will talk. It sounded crazy, but then again so did using potions to force a woman to submit to your will.

"He gave her to me! I will not lose her now!" Sebastian yelled.

I started to hit him again, but Elthina moved to him. "Think, Sebastian. They came to us rather than tell her. Do you want to risk losing her permanently? What do you think would happen if they took the potions to her and told her what you had done?"

"What we have done. You will not be getting out of this one, Elthina." Sebastian said glaring at the Grand Cleric. He then turned to us. "What do you want?"

"We want Lila and the child to be left alone. She was trying to end things with you before you went to Starkhaven. You will end them. I'm going with you to make sure you don't try anything." I answered wishing I could rip him apart instead.

"The child is mine." Sebastian protested.

"Do you really want to press this? How do you think Hawke would take the news that her baby wasn't fathered by a slaver, but by you? Do you think she would take the news well?" Varric asked glaring at Sebastian.

"It is the Maker's will." Sebastian said raising his chin as he glared at us. "Nothing can change that or the fact the child is mine."

"The child isn't yours. You forfeited that right the moment you gave her the potion. She trusted you. She even thought she loved you, and you have done this. How could you do this? How could you possibly justify this?" I demanded staring at the man that I had considered a friend once.

"It was the Maker's will. He has plans for us and our child. She is meant to be mine, Fenris. Nothing can change that."

"If it was the Maker's will then why did you need to drug her?" Varric countered.

"Because she was too resistant to the idea of us. She thought we couldn't be together. And then it was because of all of you. You kept pulling her from her path. She has a higher purpose than being used by the likes of you." Sebastian sneered at the three of us. I punched him again.

"Please stop!" Elthina cried. "Things got out of hand. Sebastian will agree to break things off with Hawke, but if she wants him in her life, you will have to allow it."

"He's not getting anywhere near her again!" I yelled. "You're lucky you're even still breathing."

"Fenris." Varric warned. "All we want is to know that Hawke and her child will be alright. We want her life to be up to her to decide. No more interfering from you three. If we catch a whiff of something off with her, we will hunt you down. All of you."

"And in exchange we expect you to keep this to yourselves. No one needs to know about this. It would only cause more problems."

"No! She is mine! The child is mine!" Sebastian yelled looking at Elthina angrily.

"Sebastian, be reasonable. If this is the Maker's will, she will return to you. You won't have to force it. Give her time. The potions have been clouding her mind. Have faith, Sebastian. His plan, not yours." Elthina said laying a hand on his arm.

Varric laid a hand on mine as I started forward with a rumble. "Let it go. We will be keeping an eye on her. It has to be Hawke's decision. We can't take her choice or we are no better than them."

"But aren't we already by not telling her?" I asked and walked to the door. "Come on, Prince." I sneered at him. "You have some packing to do."

"Oh, and Erin, you're so fired from being Hawke's healer. I will be the only one around her now. If you get anywhere near her again, Fenris won't have a chance to kill you. I'll fry you where you stand." Anders said with a friendly smile as if it was a polite exchange rather than a threat. The girl paled and moved a step back before nodding quickly.


	18. Chapter 18

**Sebastian**

I looked over at Elthina horrified. Surely she wasn't going to let this go that easily. Hawke and I were meant to be. They were the ones in the wrong. We couldn't just leave Hawke and our child in their hands.

"Sebastian, please. Don't fight with them now. There is too much at stake. This can still be salvaged. Trust in the Maker." Elthina whispered and squeezed my arm. I nodded numbly and followed after Fenris. Anders and Varric closed ranks behind me.

This wasn't happening. Just two days ago everything had been right. We were going to be married. We were having a child. I was going to retake my throne. I would prove to my family I was worth more than they thought. She had shown me what I was capable of. She was meant to be by my side.

"Fenris…" I started. My abdomen ached from his hits. I didn't want to fight with him though. I wanted him to understand.

He glared at me over his shoulder. "Save it, Sebastian. Nothing you have to say could possibly justify what you've done."

"I didn't mean for it to get this out of hand. I never meant for her to think it had been a slaver." I tried to explain. We had been friends. Maybe we could salvage that. If he would just listen to me, I could make him understand.

He whirled and slammed me into a wall. "I would advise you to practice what you're going to say to her. The only thing keeping me from killing you where you stand is her feelings. If you continue with your insane rant, I'm going to change my mind and decided it would be better if you were dead. For her and little one." He leaned close to me, his green eyes intense. I could see why he had made such a good bodyguard for Danarius. He was extremely intimidating when provoked. "You may as well have been a slaver for all that you have done. She was a mess when we got to her earlier. Curled on the floor rocking. She was confused and scared. You left her like that. You made her like that. How could you possibly think that was what the Maker wanted?"

"I…" I started, but he shoved me harder into the wall.

"Don't answer that. It doesn't matter. Nothing you taught me about the Maker makes this right or make sense. I don't know who you are, but you aren't the man I thought you were."

"Fenris, we were friends once. I want to make this right." I tried.

"The only way you can make this right is to tell her you're leaving. And then stay away from her and the child. They deserve better than you and your insanity." He pulled me from the wall and shoved me forward.

"Are you going to let me talk to her alone?" I asked. Maybe there was still a lingering effect of the potions. Maybe I could still take her with me. If she convinced them that was what she wanted, they would have to let her go.

"No. If she wants privacy, I'll ghost. You are not going to get a chance to use a command word on her. I will not allow you to hurt her again. Try anything and I will kill you." Fenris said his eyes fixed ahead as he stalked towards Hawke's estate.

"But my death would hurt her." I taunted.

"She would get over it." He answered readily.

We didn't speak again as we entered the house. Bohdan and Orana watched me. Orana warily, Bohdan angrily. Bandit growled as we entered. That meant Aveline was here. She had been using the large dog to train the guards. I wasn't sure if Bandit was sensing the tension or if he could be smart enough to know what was going on as well.

Fenris shoved me towards the stairs. "Get this over with." He then glanced at Bohdan. "See that Sebastian's things are all packed at once."

"They're in her room." I said in protest.

Varric laughed. "They were."

"The prince's things are all ready to go. Would you like them sent back to the Chantry?" Bohdan asked eyeing me.

"We'll see." I answered. I would remember this when she came back to me. Bohdan and his strange son would be removed from our service.

"That sounds like the perfect place for him. His insanity will fit right in there." Anders nodded to Bohdan.

I hesitated on the landing. I should have been coming home to my bride. I shouldn't have to be leaving. I wondered if they really could have helped her. It was why I had gone to Elthina. She couldn't hold any memory for long. She had been going mad. I didn't need their anger to know I had messed up with the potions. But if it hadn't been for their interference I wouldn't have needed the extra dosage. They were as much to blame.

I heard her laughing at some story Aveline was telling her about the guard training. She sounded good. Happy and whole. It had been a long time since I had heard the sound of her laughter. How had things gotten so messed up? Was Elthina right? Did I need to step back and let her mind clear? Would she return to me? An idea struck and I smiled. They wanted me to talk with her. Tell her I was leaving, and I would. I would make it so I was doing it for her. I would win her back. Maybe if I did it right, she would ask me to stay now.

We entered the room. Merrill and Isabela were sprawled on the bed with her. Aveline was leaned against one of the post. The three of them stopped speaking and smiling at once. Silence filled the room as we all looked at each other. I looked past them to Hawke. Her smile slowly faded and confusion replaced the happiness. She glanced around at each of us.

"Why is everyone acting as if someone died?" Hawke asked. When no one said anything she paled. "Who died?"

I moved to her quickly. Fenris moved with me. He started to grab me, but he stopped. I wanted to give him a smug smile, but instead I needed to focus on Hawke. "No one, love." I said as I sat down beside her. I didn't spare the others a glance as I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Can you all leave us alone for a bit?"

"Sebastian, I will not have you ordering my friends out." She frowned at me. We were back to that night she had asked me to leave. My heart was breaking, but I would manage. This was temporary. She was going to come back to me.

"I wanted to speak with you. Send them to the other room so we can talk, love." I said trying the push just to see if it would work. It didn't. As much as I was relieved she wasn't the mess I had left her here as, I wished they hadn't managed to take it away. She narrowed her eyes at me.

"Do not talk to me in that tone. But you're right. We do need to talk." She turned to the others. "If you want to go and wait downstairs, Orana was going to fix dinner. I'll join you in a moment."

The others glanced at each other and nodded. They slowly began leaving. Fenris hovered. I cut my eyes to him and glared at him. "I believe she dismissed you."

"I am not a slave, Sebastian." Fenris snarled.

"Fenris, Sebastian. Both of you please stop it." Hawke shook her head and frowned at us. "Little one doesn't like all the tension in this room. What ever is going on needs to stop now. Fenris, I'll be fine, but please don't go too far." She looked at me then. "This shouldn't take too long."

Fenris smirked at me as he left the room. I knew he would be back in here as soon as the door was closed, but I didn't care about him anymore. She was what was important. I had to convince her she still wanted me with her.

"My love, this time apart has shown me…" I started, but she held up her hand.

"Sebastian, please let me talk." She said. It was a flash of a few nights ago.

"I will listen to you, but please, I need to say this. Hear me out." I pleaded taking both her hands in mine. I pressed a light kiss to her knuckles. She sighed and gave a sharp nod.

I didn't want to be talking. Especially about this. I wanted to be holding her right now. I wanted to be telling her and our child about Starkhaven and the wonderful things in store for us there. Instead I was having to tell her goodbye. I said a quick prayer for strength. I could do this. It was only temporary.

"I love you more than anything. You and our child mean the world to me. I've been so worried about you that I stopped listening to you. I didn't realize how unhappy you truly were. As we came up the stairs just now, I heard you laughing and it broke my heart." I reached up and cupped her cheek. "I haven't heard you laugh in so long. I've been selfish in this situation. You have been asking me for time, but I kept pushing. I don't want to fight with you. I want more than anything to be a family with you. But I think for now it's best if I move out for a bit. I need to let you figure out what it is you want. I want to give you space."

I pulled back and paced across the room. I ran my hand through my hair and took a shaky breath. She was buying my words and act. She was watching me with those sad eyes. My plan would work. The Maker was with me still. Even if she asked me to leave now, she would come back to me. She belonged with me.

"Sebastian…" She started, but I whirled to her and held up my hand. I rushed back to her and knelt on the floor by her side. I clasped her hand to my heart.

"My love, I lied to you. I don't want to give you space. Even saying it terrifies me. But I love you too much to see you like this. So I will put aside my feelings and honor yours. I know you are scared and confused right now. Your life is changing so much. I don't want you to feel like I'm abandoning you. Say the word and I will be by your side in an instant. But I feel like we lost us somewhere in this."

"I agree." She said quietly, drawing my eyes up to her.

"You do?" I asked. She shifted over and patted the bed beside her.

"I do. Sebastian, you can't honestly say you've been happy either. You've changed since you moved in with me. I think it's partly out of guilt."

"Guilt?" I asked stunned. Could she know about the potions?

"I think you felt so bad for leaving the Chantry and breaking your vows that you became zealous in your devotion."

"I have always been devoted, Hawke." I said frowning at her.

"Yes, but not to this point. Sebastian, you have never been so cruel about the Chantry before. You have never tried to force it down anyone's throats. You have never once made me feel like the other people of the Chantry have. Until you moved in here. You started talking about my family being bad, my friends being bad. You started trying to make me into someone I'm not. You no longer spoke of the Maker's love or goodness. Just the duty to serve him. The Chantry being the only way." She took my hand in one of hers and cupped my face with the other. "Somewhere in my mess you lost yourself."

"I haven't lost anything." I protested as I leaned into her touch. It was the first touch of hers without any potion.

"Yes, you have. You used to be a kind and gentle man. A man who made me feel safe despite the fact I was an apostate's daughter. A man who didn't mind my questions or doubts. A man who believed that leading someone to the Maker through example was the better course. You brought Fenris to believe by your gentleness and good example. Never berating him as he rebuffed you. You never made me feel like you were judging me either. Until now." She sat back and rested a hand on her stomach.

My mind was a jumble of this. She was right. I used to be softer with my approach, but she was still sliding. Though at the back of my mind a voice taunted me with her sliding had started after I had given her the potions. Before she had slowly been coming to the Chantry more, asking more questions. Then it stopped all together.

"I know you have never shared my view on mages before, but lately your opinion has taken an even darker view of them. You used to say that they needed to be in a Circle, but you viewed them as the Maker's children as well. But lately you have been pushing me more and more to see them as the way the Chantry does. And that's not right, nor is it something I will ever do."

"What do you mean it's not right? The Chant of Light is clear on what it says." I frowned at her.

"Yes it is. But the Chantry has warped it to mean something different. Take some time to really study what it says, Sebastian. I think you will be surprised. Besides why would the Maker continue to make mages if he hated them so much?"

"They must atone for their sin." I protested.

"Sin from mages long since dead? I think you know better than to believe that. No baby comes into the world already tainted with sin. Yet mages are born that way. And we are taught by the Chantry they are evil for this thing that is out of their hands."

"The Chantry isn't the enemy, Hawke. You have seen what mages are capable of." I frowned at her.

"I've also seen what men are capable of." She frowned back and then took my hand. She placed it on her stomach. "Do you feel that? That little life in there? Would you say she is tainted with sin? Would you view her as vile?"

"Our child isn't vile!" I protested angrily.

"My child has ever chance of being born a mage, Sebastian. Magic runs in both sides of my family. This baby isn't a curse. She is a gift, something to treasure. But if we viewed all life as the Chantry says, she wouldn't be a gift if she was discovered to be a mage. She would be taken from us, or more likely we would hand her over willingly. We would never see her again. We would never know what became of her. And she would be forced to spend her life locked away and told she was worthless. She would live a life of isolation and fear." She shook her head. "This life is precious and loved as much by the Maker as you or I." She leaned closer to me, her eyes pleading with me to understand. "Every mage was once just as little one is. A small and precious life inside a mother. Life, all life, is precious and should be protected and loved. It shouldn't be made to fear itself. It should be taught and allowed to flourish and thrive. This life under your hand? She will be loved. She will be cherished and protected and adored. She will never be made to fear what she might be. That is the way the world should be, Sebastian. That is what the Maker I believe in would want. What you ask me to be is not something I can ever be." She leaned back against her pillows releasing me. "You have been a good friend to stick by me as you have. I was wrong to try to make this more than that. Forgive me for hurting you. I never wanted that. I desperately wanted us to be a family, but we are too different. If we continue like this we will only end up hating each other. I don't want you to ever hate me."

"Hawke, please don't do this." I whispered.

"We need this time apart. You need to focus on Starkhaven. I need to focus on little one. I hope we can become friends again. I hope we haven't destroyed our relationship completely. But we need to figure out who we are as individuals before we could ever even entertain the idea of more. We both needed something to hold onto. But it's time we stand on our own."

I hung my head as she watched me. "I love you." I whispered to her.

"You love an idea. I'm not that person." She said quietly.

"I will think on what you've said. But know that no matter what, I love you and believe we are supposed to be a family." She looked away from me. I reached up and kissed her forehead and then stood up. "I will be staying at the Chantry for now. If you need me, you have only to send for me." She nodded and didn't turn to look at me. I watched her in the doorway for a moment. She wiped at a tear. That tear gave me hope. She did care. She needed time.

I needed time. Her words had shaken me. I shoved them back for now. I would think over them later. For now I needed to maintain what was left of my dignity as I left this place.

I left the house confused and worried. Could she be right? I had never thought of what might happen if our child had been born a mage. I didn't believe he would be. The Maker had plans for him after all. But we would have other children. They could be mages. And I wouldn't want them taken from us despite what they were. I knew what it was like to have to leave home and be put in a life you didn't want.

I would do as she asked and really study the Chant. I would pray for guidance as I waited the birth of our child. I was sure that would be all the time she needed to realize we were meant to be. I would convince her I wouldn't send our child away even if they were mages. She didn't want me near her right now, but maybe I could send her a gift that would show her I was willing to listen.


	19. Chapter 19

**Fenris**

I watched the bastard leave and started to follow, but Lila cleared her throat after the door shut. She then looked right at me and arched a brow. I felt myself flush even though I was certain she couldn't see me. I froze in place and waited to see what she would do or say now. The others could handle Sebastian.

As soon as his footfalls could no longer be heard she shook her head. "You can show yourself now, Fenris." She crossed her arms when I hesitated. Was it a test? "Do not even for a moment think you can hide from me. I can feel you in here." She waited and then shifted to sit on the edge of the bed. "I bet you a whole case of that wine you like so much I'm looking right at you right now." I sighed and released the ghost. She smiled more. "Keep the wine. Ghosting to watch us wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I asked you to stay close, but I suppose it works. I expect you to keep that conversation quiet."

"I wouldn't dream of saying a word." I inclined my head to her. "May I ask why you wanted me to stay close?" Could she possibly know more than she was letting on?

She glanced away from me. "I don't know what it is, but…"

"But?" I asked and moved closer. She patted the bed beside her. I sat down and turned so I could see her.

"Something has been off with me for a while. I asked Anders when he first discovered I was pregnant if I was possessed. He assured me I'm not, but I still feel like something's not right. And for a few seconds I had a flash when Sebastian was standing over me. I felt like I was in danger. I learned a long time ago to trust my instincts. So I wanted you close. I trusted that if something was going to happen, you would be able to stop it. Sebastian normally listens to you. Though from that display just now, I'm thinking you two aren't on the best of terms."

"You could say that." I said slowly.

"Fenris, what's going on?" She asked shifting so she was facing me.

"What do you mean?" I dodged. I didn't want to be the one to tell her about the potion or Sebastian fathering her child. That thought still enraged me.

"Why are you all acting so strange about Sebastian? And why are you all acting as if I'm in danger or going to fall apart at any second?" She asked and patted the bed next to her.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I hedged.

"I am many things, Fenris, but I am not stupid. I know something is going on. You are even more growly protective than normal, and the others are all hovering. I'm not an idiot, so please don't treat me as such. What's going on?"

"Lila, I…" I stared at the markings on my feet. How did I explain all this to her? How did you tell someone that the man who had just said he loved her had been drugging her? That he was the father of her child?

"Fenris, is little one in danger?" She asked her hand going over her stomach protectively.

"No." I hurried to assure her. "I won't allow anyone to harm either of you."

She gave me a small smile. "It's hard to work up anger when you're being sweet. But that doesn't change the fact I know you are all keeping something from me."

She looked at me with those pleading eyes and I had to come up with something. He had lied to her enough. We couldn't betray her like that as well.

"We had a bit of a…disagreement with Sebastian. He's been trying to keep us away from you. That's why the others had stopped coming around. They were trying to see you, but he would send them away. He seemed to have decided that the reason you and he were having problems was all of us. He thought if he could get you away from us, that would fix everything. He planned on moving you to Starkhaven."

"What?" She asked angrily. "He told you all to stay away? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know it until after we went and saw Anders. I would have chalked up Anders worry that he was pressuring you as just normal Anders paranoia, but you mentioned that you were fighting as well. You told us you wanted us around. You told us not to leave you. He told us differently. You told me he wasn't listening to you. So we thought it best to confront him about listening to you and letting you decide your own life."

She shook her head and gave me a look. "I don't know if I should be mad about all of you going behind my back or be flattered you all care about me so much."

"Lila, we just didn't want him pressuring you. You've been through enough. If we can protect you, we will." I tried to explain. She took my hand then.

"Thank you, Fenris. I know how close you have become to Sebastian. The fact you would fight with him about bullying me means a lot. I hope you know how much I value your friendship and not just your fighting skills." I looked up at her and lightly squeezed her hand.

"I have never had friends before. Forgive me if I feel the need to be a bit…" I trailed off looking for the right word.

"Over protective?" She suggested. I smiled and nodded. "It's alright. I think I might like it, so long as it doesn't lead to being smothered again."

"I would never dream of it. Unlike Sebastian, I know when I've met my match." I smirked at her. She rolled her eyes and rubbed her stomach.

"You just wait until little one is here. Then I'm going to get back in fighting shape and I'll show you how much more of your match I really am."

"I look forward to it." I bowed my head to her. I had missed fighting alongside her. We fought as such a pair. I had never fought with rather than against before her. I would have thought it would interfere with my style, but we complemented each other.

"We better get down there before they think something drastic happened." She said and stood up. She rubbed her back. "I look forward to it too. Mainly because maybe my back would stop hurting and I might could see my feet again."

Silence filled the room as we entered. They all looked at her and then to me as I helped her into a chair. "Are you alright?" Anders asked.

She gave them a sad smile. "Never better." She took a breath as she looked at each of them. "I owe you all an apology."

"What?" Varric asked as he reached across the table for another roll.

"For what?" Aveline asked looking puzzled.

"Damn straight you do." Isabela said reaching for her wine glass and giving Lila a teasing smile.

"Why does she owe us an apology?" Merrill asked her cocking her head to the side in puzzlement.

"I don't know, but I always like to assume that I'm entitled to one when offered one." Isabela smirked and earned a snort of a laugh from Lila.

Lila shook her head and then spoke. "I owe you an apology for these last few months. I didn't know what he was telling you. I hope you all realize I would never want you to leave. You are not just my friends, you are my family. I love you all so much. Forgive me for causing you pain and messing things up. I never should have let him move in here." Her eyes filled with tears and she looked down.

"Sweetheart, don't apologize for anything he did or said. That's not your fault." Anders said and clasped her hand. "We know that you care about us."

"I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want to see it. I bought into the dream." She said and wiped at her eyes. All the others glared at me as she dapped her eyes dry. She looked up and caught their look. She frowned at them. "Don't you dare be mad at Fenris!" She scolded them, all trace of tears gone. "I made him tell me. I'm not stupid. I knew something was going on. I didn't realize that Sebastian had told you all to stay away from me. I didn't know that he blamed you for our problems. And while I don't like the fact you all went behind my back to confront him about his refusal to listen to me, I do appreciate it. I know I probably would have done the same thing if it had been happening to any of you. So thank you. That being said, I don't want you to be mad at Sebastian. He was trying to make things work between us. He wanted to take care of me. For that, I'll always be grateful to him. He saw me through a rough time." She took a sip of the water I poured her. She gave me a smile of thanks as I took the seat next to her, opposite Anders. "Now that all that drama is out of the way, let's eat. Little one is hungry."

We shared a pleasurable meal. All of our moods lightening considerably as Lila chatted animatedly. Asking each of us to give her news about the outside world. I shared a glance with Anders. I felt so relieved that I couldn't even work up the irritation I normally felt when he was around. Lila was going to be alright. It was what mattered.

She stood up later and eyed each of us. "I know you're all worried, but I'm fine." She lovingly laid a hand on her stomach. "We're going to be fine. If any of you want to stay, that's fine. There are plenty of guest rooms. You know where they are. It's been a great night. I'd like to start doing this more often. Nightly if you all wanted. I'm growing sick of being so confined. That all being said, I'm exhausted. I'll leave you all to conspire and worry without me present." We all started to protest, but she rolled her eyes. "As if I hadn't noticed the glances and worrying looks all night." She shook her head and headed for the door. "Goodnight."

We waited until we were sure she was in her room before they turned to me with questions. "How much did you tell her?" Varric asked.

"Not much. Just that he had been trying to keep us all away from her. I explained that we had spoken to him about it. I think she knows there's more to it, but she's willing to let it go for now. I had to tell her something though. She was getting too upset."

"So she doesn't know about the potions and all?" Merrill asked quietly.

"No. I'm not going to be the one to tell her that." I shook my head.

"How did it go with Sebastian?" Anders asked.

I sighed. "That bastard was working her. She didn't buy it though. Shocked the Void out of him when she agreed that they had lost themselves in the mess." I laughed at the memory of his shocked face.

"So do you think we need to stay here?" Aveline asked. I knew she was wanting to get home to Donnic.

"I think we might should stick close, but we can take it in shifts. I don't think Sebastian is stupid enough to try anything so soon." Varric answered.

"I wouldn't be so sure about him being anything but stupid." I retorted. "And I will stay with her. I don't want to chance him thinking he can find an opportunity."

"I can stay too." Anders nodded.

"Aren't you needed at the clinic?" I asked.

"Don't you two start again." Varric grumbled.

"I could stay as well. Switch off so Anders can go to his clinic. She enjoys working out in the gardens. I could help her with that. Maybe make her feel less confined." Merrill offered. "Give Fenris a break."

"And we can all swing by off and on throughout the day. Then dinners at night. Sounds like a plan." Isabela said standing up. "Big girl, bring that handsome husband of yours around as well. It's time he got to know his new family after all."

"That's why I don't bring him around." Aveline countered as she stood up as well.

"Why not? We're a delightful bunch. Afraid of a little competition?" Isabela taunted her as they made their way to the door.

Aveline decided to ignore her and turned to me. "I'll leave Bandit as well. Maybe I can come and get him in the mornings about three times a week. Leave him here the rest of the time." Aveline suggested.

"That would be fine with me. I'll run it by Lila in the morning. He's an excellent guard and would let us know if someone tried to get it." I nodded.

"I'll be back in the morning. I'll bring some of the new plants I've been working on. Isabela, you want to play a hand or two?" Merrill asked as they headed out the door.

"I'm going to stay tonight as well." Anders nodded to me. "I want to be close incase there's a complication with the potion and tea." He inclined his head to me. "Goodnight."

"You sure you want to give up your freedom? Take on protecting her all the time?" Varric asked hanging back.

"I won't be giving up anything. Besides, she needs me now. She's always been there when I needed her. I could do no less."

"Just be careful, Fenris."

"It's him who should worry." I frowned at him.

"I didn't mean like that. I meant with your heart."

"My heart is perfectly safe." I said flatly. And it was. It was safely in her grasp, but unlike Sebastian, I knew my place was at her side, not in her bed. Varric shook his head and went out the door without another word. I turned and headed for one of the guest rooms when Lila's door opened. She smiled when she saw me.

"I had a feeling I would find you out here somewhere. Everyone else gone?" She asked moving to the rail of her second floor.

"Anders is staying as well. Are you sure you don't mind?" I asked.

She shook her head. "I like knowing you are close by." She smiled at Bandit as he wiggled beside me. "I take it Aveline gave you a break from training?" She asked the large dog. He barked happily.

"She thought he should stay here at night. She wants to get him about three times a week if that's fine with you." I explained.

"That sounds good. Well, come on, boy." She said waving him up. He cocked his head at her and she rolled her eyes. "As if I didn't notice you sneaking into the bed all those nights. May as well stop pretending innocence. I'm on to you." He barked and I could hear the denial in it. "Oh, please! Your weight bounces the bed, you leave hair in it, and you leave paw prints." He hung his head contritely and she laughed. "It's alright, Bandit. I don't really mind you in the bed." He barked happily and bound up the stairs. He huffed at her and then raced into her room. "Hey! Don't hog the bed!" She protested as I moved up the stairs. She turned to me still smiling. "Goodnight, Fenris." She said and kissed my cheek before going into her room.

I watched after her a few minutes. Maybe Varric was right. Maybe I was in danger. I sighed as I continued on to my room. It didn't matter if I was or not. I wouldn't leave her. No matter what it cost me.


	20. Chapter 20

**Hawke**

"This is so exciting!" Merrill said happily as she hopped next to me. I sighed. They had blindfolded me for whatever the surprise was. I reached out and kept a firm grip on Fenris who had carried me out of my room. It hadn't felt like we had gone far, but this was driving me nuts. I hated surprises. And I really hated being blindfolded.

Fenris had sat me down and kept his arm around my waist. He chuckled as I squeezed his arm. "We wouldn't ever let anything happen to you, Lila. Relax. This is supposed to be a happy thing." He whispered in my ear as he moved me forward.

"I would be much happier without the damn blindfold." I pouted.

"But then you wouldn't be surprised!" Merrill protested. I sighed. It was hard not to give in to them. All of my companions had been increasingly happy the closer the 'surprise' got to being done. Even the fighting amongst Anders, Fenris, and Merrill had stopped for the most part.

"I just don't want to fall or run into anything."

"And you won't. We cleared everything you might trip on, and Fenris wouldn't let you get hurt if you did." Merrill said and patted my hand.

"Is it ready?" Fenris asked as I heard a door open.

"All done." Isabela said and I could hear the smile in her voice. There was shuffling as the others moved out past me. Merrill then took my hand and moved in front of me.

"Just follow me, Hawke." She encouraged.

"I'm right here." Fenris whispered as I took a hesitant step forward.

"It's almost like you don't trust us." Varric said in a mock angry tone. "I'm offended."

"I trust you all, I just don't like this. I do not like feeling helpless."

"No one does, Hawke. Just humor us." Aveline encouraged.

"Fine." I sighed and moved more easily.

"And stop right here. Give us a minute and then we'll take off the blindfold. Oh, I'm so excited!" Merrill said as I felt her move past me. I felt Fenris release me and then the blindfold was loosened.

"Are you ready?" He asked.

"Nothing's going to jump out at me, right?" I asked worried.

Anders laughed. "As much as we are ready for little one to come out, we aren't going to scare her out."

"Then I'm ready." I nodded. The cloth slipped away. I kept my eyes closed to allow them to adjust from the pitch black to a softer glow.

"Open your eyes already!" Isabela ordered impatiently.

I did and gasped as I looked around what had been Sebastian's room. They had redone it for the baby. A large and beautiful rocking chair sat in one corner. A table beside it held a round stone of some sort. Stars were carved in the stone, leaving star shaped openings. A mellow light glowed through the stars, casting them on the walls. The wall opposite the chair had a beautiful crib. The stain and carvings matched the rocking chair. The books in the bookcase had been replaced with children's stories, a few I even recognized as tales from Varric. I glanced at him and back at the books.

"I might have reworked some of our adventures so they would be appropriate for little one." He shrugged. An orange tabby stuffed animal sat on one of the shelves. I glanced at Anders who smiled.

"Everyone needs a Ser Pounce-a-lot in their lives. And Varric helped me with a story about him." Anders explained.

Next to the tabby was a ship. I looked to Isabela who smiled. "You never forget your first boat." I shook my head and moved to the crib.

I reached out and touched the beautiful quilt in it. It was a patchwork quilt. Over the top of the patches was sown a pattern. I moved it closer to the light to get a better look at it. I gasped as I saw the images taking shape. In the center was a large hawk. From there swirls went out and then took other shapes. A book, a cat, a halla, a ship, a mabari, a shield, a justice scale, and a wolf decorated the edges.

"It's beautiful." I whispered holding it up.

"I'm glad you like it, Hawke." Isabela said with a smile.

"You made this?" I asked surprised.

"What? Sails rip and need mending." She said with a shrug.

I stroked it, working at fighting back tears. Damn pregnancy for making me so emotional. That was what I was going to attribute it to. Not the fact that I had wondered if Isabela and I would ever become friends, and now I couldn't imagine my life without her. I was glad to see the feeling was mutual even if we weren't ever going to stay it. As I examined it closely, some of the patches seemed familiar. Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought so.

"Is that a piece of my jacket?" Anders asked moving closer.

"And that looks like the leather from my pants. The ones that the ass of them mysteriously disappeared from one night that we were drinking." Varric said frowning at Isabela who had a growing grin.

"I took a piece from your leg for the quilt. I just wanted to do the other." She shrugged as Merrill reached to stroke a patch.

"That looks like the piece missing from my dress as well." Merrill said with a puzzled look.

"And that is the scarf that's been missing from my dress uniform!" Aveline said scowling at Isabela as she began to laugh.

"What? I wanted little one to always have us around." She moved to my side and pointed out a couple of beautiful patches. One was a deep purple silk, and the other an emerald green with gold embroidery. "Those come from none other than Fenris' closet. Seems when he's alone he likes to wear some rather nice tunics. I'm thinking about raiding his closet from now on rather than yours." We all glanced at Fenris who was glaring at Isabela. He had a slight flush to his cheeks as he glanced at us.

"I had wondered who would dare to invade my space. I should have known it was you." He frowned at her.

"Aw! Don't be sore, handsome. You have excellent taste." She teased.

"I can't believe you stole our stuff!" Anders said. "Wait, yes I can. I forgot who I was talking about."

"Well, it was for a sweet cause. So I suppose that's alright. And it's not like we can undo it now anyway." Merrill said nodding as she looked at the blanket.

"This is so beautiful. All of it. I can't believe you all did this for me." I said hugging the blanket and fighting back the tears. I waved her off as Merrill looked worried. "Little one tends to make me emotional. I'm happy. And touched."

Merrill took the blanket and put it back in the crib as Anders guided me to the rocking chair and sat me down. I smiled at the rug on the ground. It was in shades of yellow and pale greens. It was made out of bits of fabric tied together making a soft and warm rug. I recognized Orana's handiwork in it. She had made them for the kitchen as well. I turned and spotted her hovering in the doorway with Bohdan and Sandal.

"Thank you, Orana. It's beautiful." I said motioning to the rug. She ducked her head quickly.

"I'm glad it pleases you, Mistress."

"We have a gift for you as well." Bohdan said. "Go on, son. Give them to her." He said motioning Sandal on. Sandal smiled at me and handed me the two stones.

"Enchantments." He said with a nod.

"He made those so you could hear the baby if it was in another room. The one that's yellow is to stay with the baby. The green one is to keep with you. It will light up and vibrate if the baby wakes." Bohdan said with a nod to me as Sandal moved back to him.

"These are amazing, Sandal. Thank you."

"I like pie." He answered.

"Yes, well, speaking of pie, we better go and finish getting dinner ready. If you need us…" Bohdan said shooing Sandal and Orana out of the room.

"This is all so wonderful. I can't believe you did all this for us. Thank you so much." I said smiling at them.

"Well, you know we're all pretty excited about little one as well." Varric answered. "I had a matching crib made for your room as well. I figured you would want her there for a while." I nodded my thanks to him.

"Is the chair right? I wasn't sure if I should do a different style one or not." Aveline said.

"It's perfect, Aveline. Thank you."

"I went with stars for the light. I figured with how much you like staring at them when we're out camping that it would be a safe bet." Anders said motioning to the ball. "It's enchanted as well. Touch it and it will turn off."

"I love it. I've never seen anything like it before." I said touching it to turn it off. I then touched it to turn it back on. I had a feeling that was going to be a fun play thing that would need to be moved up higher when little one got older.

"I did the mobile for the crib and the painting." Merrill said pointing to the mobile that hung over the crib. It had beautiful stuffed animal hallas and rabbits hanging from it. On the wall was a forest painting that had a large and proud halla standing in it.

"They're beautiful, Merrill." I said.

"I, um, made you this." Fenris said and looked away embarrassedly as he held out a wooden box to me. I took it and ran my hand over the hawk carved on the lid. It was beautiful. I looked up at him.

"You carved this?" I asked.

He cleared his throat and nodded a sharp nod. "Yes, well, I tend to have a lot of free time. I started carving when I was still with Danarius. I was originally planning on the box to be for your daggers. But well…open it." I opened the box and gasped as it began to play music. I recognized the tune. It was a Ferelden lullaby. "It's the song you've been humming. Bohdan told me what it was and helped me find someone to make the music part of it."

"Fenris, I love it." I said looking up at him. I swallowed hard as he gave me a true smile then. "Thank you. All of you. This is amazing." I said looking around the room desperately trying not to cry.

"Still hate surprises?" Varric teased.

"For me, yes. For little one, no. This is…" I trailed off and shook my head. "I don't want to cry. It would only embarrass all of us. So instead I'll just say you are all the best. Little one and I are so lucky to have you in our lives." I stood up to hug them when I saw movement at the door.

"Speaking of surprises, I have one for you." Sebastian said suddenly appearing in the doorway.

"What are you doing here?" Fenris snarled and moved closer to me. I laid my hand on his arm. He didn't even glance at me.

"Hello, Sebastian." I nodded to him.

"How are you doing, Hawke?" He asked moving towards me. I kept a hold of Fenris as he tensed.

"I'm fine. How are you doing? Are you leaving for Starkhaven soon?" I asked trying to pretend I couldn't feel the tension in the room.

"No. At least not yet. I still have unfinished business here in Kirkwall." He said narrowing his eyes at Fenris.

"Well, we were just going down to dinner. Did you want to join us?" I asked trying to pretend I wanted him here when all I wanted was for him to leave. And trying to ignore all the angry looks my friends were giving him.

"I wish that I could, but I just came by to bring you my gift. I wanted to show you I had heard you the other night. I've been rereading the chant. I'm discovering maybe things aren't as black and white as I thought." He said nodding to me. He held his hand out to me. "Come and see my surprise?" I moved forward and took his hand. I could feel Fenris' rage as he followed close enough that if I stopped he was going to crash into me. Sebastian wrapped my arm around his and lead me out to the second floor foyer. "Well?" He said and motioned down to the first floor. I noticed first Thrask standing there beside an agitated Bohdan. But then I saw what I most feared I would never see again.

"Bethany?" I called breathlessly.

She smiled up at me. "Hello, sister dear. My how big you've gotten." She teased.

I would have fallen if Sebastian hadn't been there to catch me. Tears blinded me as I covered my mouth to suppress the sob. I didn't even try to stop the tears this time. I had missed her so much. Bethany rushed up the stairs and wrapped me in her arms. I held her tightly, crying and choking her name. My baby sister was home.

"How?" I finally asked as I pulled back to look at her.

"Sebastian pulled some strings." Bethany said smiling at him before cupping my face in her hands. "A baby, Lila! Mother would be so thrilled." Her eyes filled with tears as she said it. I nodded unable to find words.

"So you're getting to stay?" I asked.

"Just during the days. Thrask will guard me when I'm not in the Circle." She explained. "I can only stay a little longer today, but I wanted to see you as soon as they said I could."

"Sebastian, I don't know what to say." I said looking over at him.

"You don't have to say anything. I told you I wanted to make you happy. I knew how much you missed her. I'm going to go. But maybe I can come over tomorrow?" He asked.

I nodded, not caring about the awkwardness of all of it. The thought that all of my friends and family could be together for even one evening was too much to dampen with the fact that Sebastian had been trying to push them all away. "Come for dinner. We all come together then. Aveline, bring Donnic too. I want the whole family together." I hugged Bethany to me. "I've missed you so much."

"And I you." She smiled. Sebastian left a few minutes later and most of the tension did as well. It was still a little uncomfortable with Thrask hanging around. He was a nice man who cared about the mages, but he was still a templar.

But even that couldn't dampen my spirits. Neither did the fact that Bethany couldn't spend the night, nor the fact Sebastian would be back tomorrow. I would deal with all of that later. For now I had my sister back.


	21. Chapter 21

**Author's note: There will be a couple of pov changes in this chapter. Sorry, they were too short otherwise. I tried to make it clear as possible.**

**-0-0-0-0-0**

**Fenris**

That was a low blow even from the man who had been using potions to keep Lila chained to him. We should have expected him to try something. He had stayed far away from her for the last two weeks. He had to show up while we were giving her our gift. He had wanted to ruin our moment with her.

Smug bastard. I should have just killed him. He had smiled at me with a taunting smile as he had left. He could smile all he wanted. He wasn't going to get near her again.

"We should give you two some privacy. We'll be downstairs when you're ready." Varric said and motioned us all to leave the two sisters. I was torn between wanting to stay close to her and wanting to see what we were going to do about Sebastian coming back around.

Lila gave me a knowing look. "We'll be fine, Fenris. I'm going to show Bethany the baby's room and then we're going to visit." I inclined my head to her and followed after the others, but not before I heard Bethany and her begin to talk.

"What was that about?" Bethany asked.

"Fenris has gotten rather protective. I don't know if it's left over guilt from thinking it was his fault I was pregnant or what. It's sweet, but I wish I knew what his motive was behind it. I would hate it if he was taking care of me out of some sort of guilt or debt thing." I glanced back to see Lila shake her head.

"Why would he feel guilty?" Bethany asked. "He's not the father, right? I mean, from what Sebastian had said and the letter you sent me saying he was moving in, I assumed Sebastian was the father."

"Neither of them are. It's a long story. I didn't want to put more stress on you so I didn't tell you the whole story."

"Lila, I'm not a little girl anymore. I don't need you to protect me." Bethany said with a frown at Lila. She sighed and hugged her to her.

"I know, but this isn't something I wanted to admit either."

"Lila, what's wrong? Who's the father?" Bethany asked. I didn't like the look of pain on Lila's face as she looked down.

"I don't know."

"How can you not know? I mean if you were Isabela, I could understand that sentence, but…" She trailed off and looked at Lila horrified. "Oh, Lila! No!" Lila nodded her head and took a breath.

"Let's not dwell on that. The fact is I'm getting a precious little one. Come and see what the others did for her."

I hurried down the stairs after the others. Were we wrong to let her keep thinking it was a slaver? Would it be easier for her if she knew it was Sebastian's? Varric saw my look and shook his head.

"We can't tell her, Fenris."

"Why not? Aren't we lying to her as much as he did?"

"Do you want to be the one to upset her? Tell her those dreams were real? The trauma would be bad for little one as well as Hawke." Anders said joining Varric in protesting.

"She thinks she was raped." I protested

"And essentially she was." Aveline added.

"But at least if she knew it was him, she would know that he cared about her. That it wasn't some sick desire to…" I trailed off as I said it. It was a sick desire that Sebastian had done this. There was no easy way out of this. There wasn't anything that would make this situation better. But I feared when Lila found out, and someday I knew she would, she was going to be angry with us as well as him. I just had to hope she would hear us out.

"We've already agreed not to tell her about the other stuff. We need to focus now on keeping him from suckering her back to his side. That was a cheap trick." Isabela said leaning against the doorframe.

"But it was sweet. Hawke's missed her so much." Merrill said quickly. We all turned and frowned at her. "I'm trying to see the positive side of this."

"There is no positive side of this. I should have killed him and explained it all to her. He's not going to give up." I turned away from them.

"Fenris, I know this is hard, but we'll figure it out. We need to come up with a plan of watching him tomorrow. We can't allow him a chance at her." Varric said motioning us all to move to the table. "Let's come up with a game plan."

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Hawke**

I had thought the tension was bad with Sebastian showing up yesterday, but the tension as we sat around the table now made yesterday seem like a breeze. Fenris was my constant shadow. When he wasn't stuck to my side, Anders or Varric were.

I knew they were all still keeping something from me. Something big had happened. What they had, or Fenris had told me wasn't enough for the amount of tension. Everyone was watching Sebastian like a, well, like a hawk. Every time he moved the others tensed. It was giving me indigestion.

"Seriously, guys. I know that you all had a disagreement, but we were once all friends. Can't we make it through one night together?"

"They told you about the disagreement?" Sebastian asked and the color drained from his face. Yes, they were definitely hiding something. Something big from the reaction they all had. All of them began talking at once, trying to drown the other out. I glanced at Bethany and she shrugged.

"Hey!" I yelled to be heard. "What's going on?"

"It's nothing, Hawke. Don't worry about it, love." Sebastian said with a nod to me. He squeezed my hand lightly.

"How am I not supposed to worry? All of you are ready to rip each other apart. This isn't right. I appreciate all of you worrying about me, but really, Sebastian and I are fine. He's heard what I had to say. There is no reason to keep up this anger towards him." I looked pointedly at Fenris. He was the weak link in their silence. Normally I would have figured Merrill, but Fenris looked down right guilty as I turned to him. "Unless there's something else you aren't telling me."

Fenris glanced at Varric who shook his head slightly. He saw my look and smiled at me. "There's nothing to worry about Hawke. We'll behave." I narrowed my eyes at Fenris who refused to look at me now. I glanced back at Sebastian who was working on composing himself.

"Perhaps this was a mistake. Maybe I can come by sometime when everyone isn't here." Sebastian said and stood up.

"Not going to happen." Fenris all but hissed at him.

"You are not in control of her, Fenris." Sebastian said leaning over the table towards him. Fenris stood up slowly and I could see now how someone would think him intimidating.

"Like you were?" Fenris' voice was even lower than normal, the vibration of it as menacing a growl as Bandit's was who stood up from beside Fenris' seat.

"Hey! No one is in control of…" I trailed of and groaned as pain shot through my stomach and into my back.

"Hawke?" Anders asked and knocked his chair over in his haste to get to my side.

"Pain." I gasped and held my stomach. "Is little one alright?" I panted out as Anders glowed softly.

"Does your head hurt? Seeing double?" Anders asked looking in my eyes. I shook my head.

"Just stomach." I gasped as the pain shot through me again.

"Breath, honey. It's going to be fine." He said as he finished examining me. "You aren't in labor, but the pain is similar. It happens sometimes. The stress isn't helping things. Little one is fairly agitated right now. Let's get you upstairs. You need to rest for a while. It's going to be fine."

"I'll get her." Sebastian said and moved to me, but Fenris suddenly appeared between us.

"You've already done enough. I think you should leave." Fenris snapped at him. He then turned and held a hand out to me. "Can you walk or do you want me to carry you?"

"I can walk. Sorry everyone." I said and grimaced as another wave of the pain nearly took me to my knees.

Fenris supported me and then swung me up into his arms. "Anders." He inclined his head and Anders proceeded him out.

"I can walk!" I protested.

"This is faster." He said not giving me any room to argue.

"We'll see you out now, Sebastian." Aveline said and walked him to the door. Donnic moving along with them. The others all watched him. Bethany hesitated a moment and then hurried up the stairs after us. She climbed into bed beside me as Fenris laid me down.

"Is she really alright?" Bethany asked stroking my hair back.

"Yes. She's going to be just fine. Just remember to breath, Hawke." Anders said smiling at me.

"I'll remember to tell you to breath the next time your insides are being ripped apart." I smirked at him.

"See, Bethany? She's still got her humor. She's fine." He laughed.

"Is there nothing you can do?" Fenris asked watching me worriedly.

"No. They will pass. Sorry." Anders said smiling at me sadly. "Well, I could do a sleep spell on you. Want to sleep through it?" He asked.

"No." I shook my head until another wave of pain washed over me. "Yes." He laughed and cast a spell.

"It's a small one. If she needs to wake up, she can. She's going to be just fine." I heard Anders assuring the others. And then cool and blissful darkness took me far from the cramping body.

-**0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Fenris**

Bethany tapped her foot impatiently as she glared at us. "Well?" She demanded.

"Look it's been dealt with." Varric tried.

"That is my sister up there. Something is going on. She knows it and I know it. Do you want to upset her more?" Bethany demanded.

"Trust us when we say we are doing this for her own good." Isabela answered. "They were having problems. We took care of them. That's all you need to know."

"Like that doesn't sound ominous. Look, Lila is tough. Always has been, but she's just starting to recover from losing Mother. Please don't make her lose another family member. She knows you are keeping something from her. It's only a matter of time before she finds out. And then she'll be devastated. Is that what you want?" Bethany scolded us.

"Wow! You Hawke sisters wield guilt as if it was a weapon." Varric laughed. She narrowed her eyes at him.

"I might be a Circle mage now, but no one would begrudge me the fireball to deal with an annoyance." She said coolly.

"And Lady Sunshine has grown up." Varric said and then sighed. "Fine. See Sebastian moved in and got all sorts of possessive with Hawke. Wouldn't let her go out, limited her visitors, was trying to push her to be viscountess, wouldn't let Anders' be her healer. Then he pushes us all away. Says we can't see her anymore."

"That doesn't sound like something Lila would allow." Bethany frowned at him.

"If she had known about it, she wouldn't have." Anders answered.

"He would tell the others she didn't want to see them when they came by. She's been on bed rest pretty much her entire pregnancy. Something he and the mage from the Chantry had cooked up." I added.

"He started off saying she was napping or whatever, but eventually he just said she didn't want to see us anymore." Merrill finished and looked down sadly. Isabela put her arm around her quickly.

"Fenris was still around her; Sebastian trusted him or something. We don't know for sure. But Hawke mentioned to him that Sebastian was pushing her into stuff she didn't want to do." Aveline said.

"I didn't know what he was doing until I came to stay with Lila while Sebastian was in Starkhaven. She told me she wanted to see Anders. She wanted him to be her healer. She said she missed all the others as well. She also told me they had been fighting. I saw some of it first hand. He was practically ordering her to marry him. He planned to move her to Starkhaven to separate her from all of us." I took over the tale.

"So Hawke invited us all back over while he was gone. Things were back to normal until he came back home. Then we get letters saying she doesn't want anything to do with us anymore. She had just the night before begged us to come over the next night." Aveline added.

"So he was keeping her isolated? Why?" Bethany asked.

"He said he thought their fighting was our fault. He thought that if she was away from us, she would realize her destiny was with him." Isabela shrugged.

"I can't believe she would allow him to get away with any of this!" Bethany shook her head.

"Well, she didn't know about it until after we had a chat with him." Anders explained.

"You confronted him about it?" Bethany asked eyeing us.

"We had a rational discussion about the situation." I answered.

"Rational my ass! Fenris tried to beat the crap out of him. We had to keep reminding him that she still cared about him." Varric laughed.

"What?" Bethany asked looking shocked. "Why?"

"Well, you haven't been around us lately, Sunshine, but Broody here has it bad for the lovely Lady Hawke."

"What?" It was my turn to demand. "I have nothing bad for anyone!" I protested.

"Oh, he does! It's so cute! He looks at her with puppy eyes whenever he thinks she's not looking." Merrill said clapping her hands together.

"There are no puppy eyes!" I protested angrily.

"So that is why they were so growly with each other earlier?" Bethany asked eyeing me with a slight smile.

"Yes. They've been circling her like two mabari around a bitch in heat." Isabela said with a slightly irritated pout.

"We're talking about Lila, Isabela, not you." I snapped at her. She rolled her eyes and smirked at me.

"That's what we've been keeping from her. They fought and it came to blows." Varric explained quickly before I could protest more.

"So he was defending Lila's honor? That is so romantic and sweet. She's been worried you were being kind to her because you felt guilty, but it's that you care about her." Bethany said smiling at me.

"I do feel guilty about what has happened, but that isn't why I'm looking out for her." I said unable to meet anyone else's eyes. Did they all know my feelings or was this just a way to stop Bethany from looking farther?

Bethany reached out and lightly squeezed my arm. "I won't tell her." She promised.


	22. Chapter 22

**Hawke**

"I don't know how long I'll be gone. I'll hurry as much as I can." Anders said looking at me worriedly. I was past due now and growing irritated with everything and everyone. Anders was needed to go and deliver another baby. He had taken to spending very little time down in the clinic as I past my due date.

"Stop worrying about me. She'll come out when she's ready. Mommy wishes it was now, little one, but she's a Hawke. She has to do things on her own time." I sighed and rubbed my aching back.

"I'll be here. If something happens, I'll come for you." Fenris assured him. The two of them had turned into mother hens around me lately. They were starting to bug me.

"What's going to happen?" I demanded. "I'm going to stay in this damn bed and try and find some sort of position that's comfortable because she's decided that bouncing off my bones is fun. Go hover over someone else." I pouted.

"Is being….um…like this normal." Fenris asked in a whisper to Anders.

"I can hear you, you jackasses!" I yelled at them.

"Little ears." Fenris reminded me with a bit of smirk.

"If she doesn't like it, she can come out and protest." It was late in the evening and Bethany was already gone for the day as were the others. I was stuck with these two. I never thought I would miss their arguing and having to break up their fights, then calm the other one down after I had 'sided' with the other.

"Yes, this is normal. Unfortunately it could get worse." Anders said and then dodged the book I hurled at them. "Hey!" He protested.

"Go bug someone else or I'll show you how much worse it's going to get." I snapped.

"And on that note, she's all yours." Anders laughed and started for the door. "You sure you don't need anything before I go?" He asked. I bounced another book off the doorframe as he ducked out it. "Taking that as a no." He called, his voice growing distant as I could hear him hurrying down the stairs.

Fenris was wise enough not to say a word as he picked up both of the books and brought them back to the table beside my bed. He glanced at me and I could see him working at not smiling as I sulked. "Would you like me to read to you?" He finally asked.

"No." I pouted.

"Would you like for me to go?" He asked. I sighed and shifted around shoving the pillows around trying to ease the pain in my back. He moved without another word and shifted them around and looked at me in question. I sighed and nodded.

"Thanks. Sorry. This is miserable. I know I have no right to complain, but…" I trailed off as he lightly laid a hand on my arm.

"It's alright. I won't take it personal. Do you want me to leave you alone?" He asked again.

I shook my head and patted the bed. "Come be miserable with me. Grab a book that interest you and get comfortable." He moved to the bookshelf and hunted for a story. "How about werewolves this time?" He offered.

"Whatever." I sighed and began fidgeting in the bed again. He climbed in and waited for me to settle. I turned over and faced him. He moved quickly and rearranged the pillows until they supported my legs, hips, and back.

"Better?" He asked. I nodded and shifted just a little closer to him. "Hmm. Perhaps I should go and get you more from my room. There's not one for your head now."

I tugged him until he shifted closer. "I'll just use your leg." I glanced up at him as he watched me. "Am I hurting you?" He shook his head quickly and slowly placed a hand on my head before picking up the book with the other.

I shoved aside the painful memory this brought back. Mother used to read to me like this when I had been little. Her hand stroking my hair as I slowly drifted to sleep, fighting to stay awake. I missed her more than ever. She would have been thrilled with the baby. She would have known what to do about all of it. I was going to make it through it, but having her would have made it better.

"Ready?" He asked. I nodded and let my mind wonder as he read. His voice washing over me as I thought of the last few weeks.

Bethany had been with me daily. I was so happy she was here and doing good. We had finally been able to discuss Mother. Bethany had even helped me go through her room. I hated she had to leave in the evenings. She should be here with me. Mages needed freedom. I didn't agree with Anders' growing insanity, but he had a point. Something big was going to have to happen.

The others came and went throughout the day, but we all came together for dinner. We had even started including Thrask in the meals. He was a nice man, though he and Anders often clashed over what they thought should happen with the Circle.

Sebastian had come by a couple of times, but finally seemed to give it up as Fenris wouldn't allow him near me at all. He was sending me letters. He said we would start fresh this way. It was sweet, but we still were too different in our opinions. We were rebuilding our friendship, but we would never be more. I wished he would realize it or move to Starkhaven already. I didn't want to hurt him or lead him on. I wasn't sure what to do about it.

I drifted to sleep feeling secure for the first time in a long time. Bandit at the foot of the bed, Fenris beside me left me feeling warm and safe. I reached down to cup little one, imagining what it would be like to really hold her.

I woke and bit back the groan that threatened. Pain blossomed through me. I shook my head at it. She was definitely a Hawke. She was ready and it was in her own time. I started to shift when I felt the hand still resting on my head. Fenris had fallen asleep beside me. I moved slowly, careful not to wake him. If it was like all the others I had helped Mother and later Anders with, it would be a long time before I needed Anders. I moved off the bed and made it almost to the door before another contraction hit and took me to the ground. I leaned wearily against the door as Bandit hurried to me. He whined quietly.

"Shush!" I ordered. "I'm going to be alright. I didn't realize how painful it was going to be." He whimpered quietly and nudged me. "No, don't wake him up. I'm fine. This is slow going." I assured him. He huffed and laid down, watching me worriedly. "Like I need another one watching me like that." I sighed at him.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Fenris**

I started awake and tried to place what had woken me. I couldn't sense anything wrong so I reached over to check on Lila. She was gone. I jumped up looking for her. It wasn't unusual for her to roam at night, but she had been in such pain earlier I was worried.

I rushed across the room when I heard the quiet curse. "Lila?" I asked crouching down in front of her.

She glanced at me and tried to give me a smile, but it ended in a grimace. "Sorry, Fenris. Didn't mean to wake you." She paused and took a breath and then leaned her head back weakly against the wall. "Thought it would take longer. But she wouldn't be my daughter if she didn't want to complicate things, right?"

"The baby is coming? Now?" I asked glancing down at her quickly.

"Yep. Son of a bitch!" She cried and curled up, breathing brokenly. "Either it hurts worse than anything I've ever had done to me, or I've turned into a wimp." I gripped her shoulder.

"I'll get Anders." I said and started to stand up. She suddenly clamped down on my forearms.

"Don't leave me." She panted.

"Bandit, go get Anders." I ordered. He leapt up with a bark and bolted for the door. I started to get up to open it for him, but he quickly had it opened and was gone. I glanced at Lila.

She shrugged. "Mabari. Smarter than your average joe."

"What can I do?" I asked.

"Nothing. Talk to me. I don't know." She panted. She leaned back wearily. "It's easing again."

I shifted to sit beside her so she could lean against me. "How long has this been going on?" I asked feeling bad I hadn't heard her sooner.

"An hour, a month, years. I don't know." She looked up at me. "Thanks for being here." She then gasped. "Andraste's flaming knickers! They're getting worse." She gritted her teeth.

"Just breath." I said as I had heard Anders say to her when she had been having the false labor pains. She slowly turned her head towards me, and if looks could kill I would have been dead.

"You just breath!" She snapped. She tightened up and gripped the collar of my shirt tightly, jerking me closer as she curled up. She turned to me with worried eyes, all the color draining from her face. "Something's wrong, Fenris. Something's…" She trailed off in a gut wrenching scream before she slumped over. I caught her as she started to collapse.

"Lila, look at me. Speak to me." I pulled her closer and noticed all the blood. I wasn't an expert on this matter by any means, but I was certain that much blood was bad. "Festis bei umo canavarum." I hissed as I pulled her into my arms and ran. I couldn't wait for Bandit to get back with Anders. I used my abilities to speed our descent through the basements and tunnels, sure in my footing enough to risk falling as I carried her. She remained limp in my arms. Her blood soaking through her gown and running down my arm.


	23. Chapter 23

**Fenris**

"Fenris? Bandit came and…Oh, holy Maker! Quick, get her into the clinic." Anders said pulling the door to the basements open. He ushered me past him and I ran to the clinic and laid her on the bed he motioned towards. Bandit ran around us in a circle barking frantically. "Quiet, Bandit! I can't think." Anders scolded him. "How long has she been in labor? When did the bleeding start?" He asked hurrying to wash his hands. He glanced at me as I stared at her. "Fenris, get it together. I'm going to need your help. When did she start bleeding?"

I took a shaky breath. Lila was going to be alright. She had to be. "I don't know. Not long. As soon as I saw it I grabbed her and ran. She said the pain was getting worse. She grew tense, said something was wrong, screamed, passed out, blood, ran here." I said trying to keep from panicking. He moved back to her and reached for the hem of her gown. I grabbed his wrist. "What are you doing?" I demanded. He jerked his hand from me.

"Going to assess what's wrong. I have to see what I'm doing, Fenris. Magic can't actually deliver the baby."

"Oh…that…this…I…" I stammered and took a step back. I didn't know what to do. I whirled away from them as he moved up her dress.

"Damn it. Oh, Hawke why didn't you tell me sooner?" He grumbled.

"What?" I turned back and then back away again as he had her bare.

"She's been in labor for a long time. Definitely longer than when I got summoned down here. The baby's stuck. There's ripping and…" He backed away and shook.

"What?" I demanded moving to him. He looked up at me and all the color was gone from him.

"I don't know that I can save them both." He said quietly.

"What do you mean? You have to save them! You're the healer. This is what you do." I shook him.

"Fenris, there's only so much I can…wash up. Clean your hands off. Maybe…it's a long shot, but…" He trailed off and moved back down to her. "Hold on, sweetheart."

Lila woke up and screamed as Anders had his hand in her. I was washing her blood off of me as quickly as I could. Her scream ripping me apart. "Anders! Something's wrong. Help her!"

"Hawke, I…" Anders trailed off and looked at her worriedly. "Honey, if I take the time to work her free, you're going to bleed out. And if I take the time to repair you, she's going to…" Anders trailed off and ducked his head, but I had seen the misery in his eyes.

Lila sat up and grabbed him by the collar jerking him until he was inches from her face. "Save her." She snarled at him.

"Hawke…" He shook his head.

"Do it, Anders. Whatever the cost. Save her. If I survive and she doesn't, I will kill you. Do you hear me. Save her!" She yelled and then collapsed back to the bed.

"Hawke, I…" He started, but she glared at him. He gulped and nodded.

"What's wrong? Why can't you save both of them?" I demanded moving to him.

"The baby is lodged. Hawke's bleeding too badly for me to work the baby lose. And the baby doesn't have long. I can feel her fading already."

"If you could reach into Lila, could you save them both?" I asked.

"I can't go through her stomach. She's already lost too much blood. And down here, I can't get the baby turned without hurting them both." Anders shook his head.

"Damn it, Anders, do what you have to. Cut me open. Just don't let her die!" Lila shrieked at us.

"Who said anything about cutting?" I said and began to glow.

"I could guide you. It would take time, but it might give us the…" His eyes grew wide as I grabbed his wrist and jerked him to me. "You can put me in as well." I nodded. "Do it." I relaxed my arms so he was in control as we reached inside of Lila. Her eyes grew wide.

"What the Void are you doing? If you hurt her, I swear you will wish that Danarius had found you!" Lila panted as she tried to hold still. Her eyes locked on mine. "Please, Fenris, please don't."

"Trust me, Lila." I whispered. She made a whimpering noise and laid her head back. Tears streamed down her cheeks, but she held still after nodding.

"I can feel the tears. Little one is too wedged to just turn. If I cut her cord, can you lift her out like you're doing to me?" Anders asked as he moved our hands around in Lila.

"Yes."

"Good. We can do this. Hold on, Hawke. You're both going to be just fine, honey." He said soothingly as Hawke sobbed. He pulled us out of her and grabbed a knife he had laid out. "Ready?" He asked me. I nodded and he moved us back into Lila. He cut something and quickly pulled us back out. He moved out of my arms and around to Hawke. "Reach in right here. You can feel her. Pull her out as quickly as you can. I'll be casting. I'll need all my concentration if I'm going to keep her alive. As soon as the baby is out, the bleeding is only going to increase. You will need to pat little one on the back until she takes a breath. Then wrap her in one of those blankets there. Be sure to support her head. Can you handle it?"

I nodded. Anything for Lila. "Ready?" I asked as I slipped my hands back into her.

"Does anyone else see this as horribly wrong?" Lila asked trying to give us a smile, but she couldn't manage it. Pain was etched on her pale face. Even her lips now had no color. I could see her fading.

"Just think of the story it will make." Anders said smiling, but it never reached his eyes. He nodded to me. I wrapped my hands around the tiny life that until now had only been felt as small nudges and fluttering under her mother's skin.

"I've got her. Moving her out now." I said and quickly and gently moved her out of her mother. Lila was right. This was horribly wrong. And then it was strangely right. I looked down at the tiny purple thing in my arms.

"Why isn't she crying?" Lila asked panic filling her voice. She strained to sit up.

Anders shoved her down as he glowed trying to heal her. "Fenris, pat the baby!" He yelled.

I jumped and gently patted the tiny thing's back. "Nothing's happening." I said feeling panicked as well.

"A little harder, Fenris. Kinda got my hands full." Anders snapped at me.

"Fenris, save her." Lila ordered looking at me. I nodded and patted the baby a little harder, careful not to hurt her. She gasped and then let out a wail to rival her mother's from earlier.

I pulled her to me and looked down at the tiny screaming thing in wonder. She looked just like her mother. A smatter of red hair dusting her tiny head. Her little face scrunched up as she wailed out her displeasure. I hurried to wrap her in a blanket and then I cradled her to me. I looked over as Lila sobbed and held her hands out to her.

"Is she…"

"She's perfect, Lila." I said moving to lay the baby on Lila's chest. Lila weakly pressed a kiss to her head.

"Lea." She breathed and then went limp. Her head lolling to the side.

"Anders!" I yelled as I scooped back up the baby.

"I'm trying, Fenris!" He snapped back.

It seemed like hours that I paced gently bouncing the now quiet baby. Bandit watched me closely, only turning every now and then to whine as Anders and Lila were both so silent and still. I could see the fatigue weighing on Anders. He had already delivered another baby earlier. I went to his potions cabinet and dug out a lyrium. I sat it beside him. He grunted in acknowledgement.

Finally he tucked a blanket around Lila. He sat back and grabbed the potion. He drained it and clasped Lila's hand. "She's lost a lot of blood, but she's going to survive." I collapsed to my knees. She was going to live. She was going to be alright. Lea would have her mother soon. "Can I see Lea? I need to clean her up and check her over."

"If you tell me what to do, I can take care of it." I said partly not wanting to hand over the precious bundle and partially because Anders looked as if he would fall over at any moment.

"You can't honestly think I would hurt her?" Anders frowned at me.

"No, I just thought you looked exhausted. I can clean her up if you want to check her over."

"Huh. Think we'll become friends now?" He asked as he motioned me to follow him to a basin of clean water. He waved his hands over it before testing the temperature.

"No." I said simply.

He laughed. "Me either. The water's ready. It would be best if you laid her there and used a damp rag to wash her up." He moved over and looked down at her as I laid her down and unwrapped her. "She looks just like Hawke. Welcome to our world, Lea." He whispered and pressed a light kiss to her head. He glowed for a second. I looked at him in question as I began gently cleaning her up. "She's perfect. No trauma I can detect." He looked up at me. "I couldn't have done this without you. One or both of them would be dead right now. Thank you, Fenris."

"You were the one guiding me." I shrugged.

"Still."

"Should we move them back to the estate?" I asked as I dried Lea off.

"Yes, but I don't have it in me to carry Hawke. I need to rest."

"I'll carry her. If you think you can handle Lea."

"Let me clean Hawke up and then we'll move them home." He nodded and rubbed his face tiredly. He took another basin of water and moved back to Lila. I looked down at Lea as he washed the blood off of Lila. We had come close to losing them both tonight. They both seemed impossibly fragile now.

"I'll never let anyone hurt you." I promised to the tiny baby in my arms. "Either of you."


	24. Chapter 24

**Fenris**

I started at the small noise as Lea began a quiet fuss. I forced my exhausted and sore frame out of the chair and hurried to her. I glanced at Lila sleeping peacefully in the bed. She was still too pale for me to feel comfortable, but Anders assured me she was going to be fine. He said she just needed rest.

"Quiet, little one. Your mother needs to rest." I whispered as I gathered her close. I looked up as I heard quiet voices outside the door. I moved closer to it, listening in.

"What do you mean they are resting peacefully now?" Varric asked.

"Hawke had Lea last night." Anders said and I could hear the fatigue in his voice.

"The baby's here? Can we see her?" Merrill asked happily.

"What aren't you telling us?" Isabela asked.

"There were…complications. We nearly lost both of them. If Fenris hadn't been there…" Anders trailed off.

"They're both alright though? Right? You saved them?" Merrill asked sounding worried.

"They're both fine now. Resting comfortably. Don't even bother trying to get in there though. The two beast won't allow it." Anders sighed.

"Two beast?" Varric asked.

"Fenris and Bandit." He answered. I growled and motioned Bandit to move back from the door. He did so reluctantly and took up a position laying on the floor next to the bed.

"Don't let him or Hawke hear you call them that." Isabela scolded him.

"What did you mean when you said if Fenris hadn't been there?" Varric asked.

"He saved Lea." Anders answered. "She was stuck and Hawke was losing too much blood. I was only going to be able to save one of them. Hawke insisted it be Lea. Then Fenris does that glowing thing with his hands and puts mine in Hawke. I managed to cut Lea's cord and then worked on healing Hawke while Fenris did that thing with his hands and pulled Lea out of her."

"That's disturbing." Isabela said as I opened the door and shushed them all.

"When I said that glowing thing you do with your hands would make for easy pick-pocketing, pulling out a baby was not what I meant." Varric said giving me a smirk.

I shrugged. "I figured pulling out Lea wasn't a lot different than pulling out someone's heart."

I heard Lila moving around in the bed and turned to look at her as she started to sit up. Anders rushed past me to move pillows to support her.

"That is not the sort of thing a mother wants to hear from the man who's holding her baby." She answered and smiled at me as I moved to hand her Lea. She smiled down at Lea as she settled her into her arms. "Hello, little one. We didn't really get to meet last night, did we? Have Uncle Fenris and Uncle Anders been taking good care of you?"

"We should give them some time." I said and motioned the others to leave as they hovered in the door.

"It's alright. Come and meet Lea." She said looking up at the others.

"How are you feeling?" Merrill asked her as she moved to look at the baby. "Oh! Look at her! She so cute and tiny!"

"I'm alright. Tired, but I'm going to live. Thanks to those two." Lila smiled and Anders and me. Bandit barked in protest. She laughed and smiled at him. "And Bandit of course."

The others moved into the room to see the baby. I moved back trying to stay out of the way. We heard Bohdan answer the door and then Bethany's voice downstairs. I glanced at Lila. "I'll go get her." I said and hurried out to the landing of the second floor. Bethany looked up at me.

"Is she not up yet?" She asked as she moved through the main hall.

"Yes and so is Lea." I said and smiled at Bethany's reaction. She looked puzzled for a moment before she gasped and then rushed up the stairs. She flew past me into the room. I glanced at Bohdan, Sandal, and Orana who watched me. "They are both tired, but fine. She wants everyone to come and meet Lea now. We need to send word to Aveline that the baby was born, but come and see her first."

"I'll go and let her know." Thrask said bowing his head to me.

"You will leave your charge?" I asked frowning at this. Something didn't quite seem right about this.

"I trust her to behave. And she's not going to leave that room for the foreseeable future. I'll hurry back." He assured me. I watched him leave and then went to join the crowded room as everyone took a turn holding Lea until she began to cry in earnest.

"All right, everyone. Lea is hungry. I think we should let the new mother and baby have a bit of time to themselves." Anders said shooing us out of the room.

"If you need anything, I'll be right here." I promised and moved to stand outside the door.

"Fenris, you need to get some rest." Isabela said eyeing me. "No offense, honey, but you look like you've been through the ringer."

"I'll rest when they do. Lila is too weak to be getting up and down." I frowned at her.

"I'll tend to Mistress if Master Fenris wishes to rest." Orana said quietly. "Bohdan's been helping me with books on helping to care for a baby. I'm going to be a good nanny for the little mistress."

"I'm sure you will, Orana." Varric smiled at the nervous former slave that Lila had saved. "See, Fenris, everything's under control. Go take a nap, grab a bath, and get something to eat. You too Anders. We'll keep an eye on them. If we need you we'll come and get you."

"I'll bring up some of that soup Orana made to each of you in a couple of hours." Bohdan said nodding to us. I hesitated a moment, glancing back at Lila's closed door.

"Bandit is with her." Merrill said giving me a small smile. "She'll be just fine." I sighed and nodded sharply.

"Wake me the moment she needs something." I said looking to Orana and Bohdan. They each nodded and I reluctantly retired to my room. I was beyond exhausted, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.


	25. Chapter 25

**Fenris**

It was growing dark when I awoke. I hurried out of bed. Someone should have woken me sooner. Oddly the hall was empty. It wasn't late enough for Bohdan, Sandal, and Orana to be in bed yet. I moved to Lila's door, the sense of unease growing. Her door was closed, but I could hear voices coming from the room. One thickly accented. I didn't bother knocking, just shoved the door open. Lila looked up at me startled.

"Fenris? Is everything alright?" She asked looking oddly relieved as I stalked into the room. Sebastian was sitting on the bed cradling Lea in his arms. He frowned when he saw me.

"What are you doing here? Why didn't someone tell me he was here?" I demanded.

"I came to see Lea." Sebastian said quietly.

"The others are gone or resting. Bohdan and Sandal took Bandit for a walk. Orana went down to the cellars to bring out that wine for everyone. We're going to have a celebratory dinner tomorrow night after we've gotten a bit of rest." Lila said frowning at me.

"They left you alone with him?" I snarled. Sebastian handed Lea back to Lila and stood up.

"And why shouldn't they?" He demanded.

"Sebastian came after the others had left. Fenris, why are you acting like this?" Lila asked as she watched us worriedly.

"Yes, Fenris. Why are you acting like this? Why can I not be alone with Hawke and Lea?"

"Don't play innocent, Sebastian. Have you been watching the place? Waiting for your chance?" I said trying to keep my voice quiet as Lea made a protesting noise.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He said looking at me smugly as his back was to Lila now. "You're acting as if I would hurt her. I would never hurt them. They are mine to protect."

"Like you weren't hurting her before?" I snapped before I realized my mistake. Sebastian's eyes widened for a moment.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lila asked.

"Just his bullying you, sweetheart. How about you two take this out of the room? The stress isn't good for Lea or Hawke." Anders said appearing in the door.

"It is late. I should let you get some rest. Think on what I said." Sebastian said moving to kiss first Lea on the head, his eyes softening as he looked at his daughter; then kissing Hawke. She turned her head to the side and he was forced to kiss her cheek.

"Thank you for stopping by." She said never even looking at him. Her eyes shifted nervously to mine. "Don't go far, please." She said quietly.

"Never." I promised. "I'll just see Sebastian out."

"There is no need for that, Fenris. I know the way. I'll see you soon, Hawke." He said and it sounded like a threat. I watched Lila as he left. She shuddered for a moment and then smiled down at her daughter.

"Well, little one, now you've met all of them. It's been a busy first day, huh?" She cooed to the baby.

"Did you get any rest?" I asked moving closer.

"Some. Do you want to hold her?" She offered.

"I…shouldn't." I said though I was itching to hold her.

"I'll hold her." Anders said and climbed into bed beside Lila. She placed Lea in his arms and leaned back against her pillows. She smiled at me and patted the bed.

"Join us? Orana will be back in a bit and we can all eat here. Anders said I can't get out of bed for a few days, so looks like I'll be entertaining here."

"That will please Isabela." I said forcing myself to smile at her as she rolled her eyes. I was worried about Sebastian. How long had he been alone with her? What things had he asked her to think on? I eased into the bed on the opposite side of Anders. She laid her head against my shoulder and sighed as she looked at the baby.

"I have a child." She said and shook her head.

"Are you just now realizing this?" I teased her with her words to me from when she was pregnant.

"It's just…surreal. I mean, what do I know about keeping things alive? I 'take out' things, not nurture them." She said glancing at the baby.

"You nurture all of us just fine." Anders answered.

"And you have kept not only us, but Bandit alive all this time." I pointed out.

"Yeah, well Bandit is pretty self sufficient as are all of you. Lea's not. What am I going to do? I have enemies. Lots of them. I can't do this. I can't be a mother. I…" She said working herself into a panic.

"Breath, honey." Anders insisted and glanced at me. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders.

"I swear the next one of you to tell me to breath is going to lose a piece of themselves." She said frowning at Anders.

"You aren't alone in this, Lila. We're all right here with you. We might not be the most traditional family, but…" I trailed off as she looked up at me. Anders placed Lea back in her arms and rubbed Lila's arm.

"We are one. You're going to be just fine, Hawke. She's going to be just fine. Uncle Anders and Uncle Fenris will make sure of it." Anders said looking at me.

I nodded sharply. We were going to have to keep up the watch on them. Sebastian had seen an opening and took it. We couldn't let him have another opportunity like that. Anders patted her leg.

"I think I'd like some tea. How about you?" He asked as he stood up.

"That sounds nice." She nodded to him not looking up from Lea.

"I'll be right back." He assured us and disappeared out the door.

"So, you want to tell me why you nearly got in a fight with Sebastian?" She asked.

"You know why." I said and looked away from her.

"Fenris, that wasn't just because of him pressuring me. Why do you think he would hurt us?"

"Lila, I just…I feel like I need to protect you. You can't right now. And he's…he's got some strange ideas and plans for you both. I just want to keep you safe." I said trying to figure out what to say.

"Like the whole we are his to protect?" She asked cutting her eyes to me. I looked at her and drew in a breath. "He was saying some strange things like that to me as well. I think Sebastian is a bit…" She trailed off and looked away.

"Crazy?" I supplied.

"I was going to try and find a nicer word, but yes. A little. I mean I've always admired his faith and all, but he kinda scared me tonight. And he seemed completely thrown that Lea was a girl. He was adamant that she was going to be a boy. He even said nothing has happen as it had been told. What does that mean?"

"I'm not entirely sure, but he did mention that the Maker had given you to him when we told him to leave you alone." I said and watched her as she paled.

"He said that…I…" She looked confused for a moment and then shook her head.

"Lila?" I asked worried.

She gave me a small smile and placed Lea in my arms. "I'm fine. Just tired. She's all ready to be laid down unless you want to hold her for a while."

I looked down at the tiny baby in my arms. "I think I'll hold her for a while. Why don't you drink your tea and then rest?" I suggested as Anders returned.

"Hmm. You read my mind. Do you mind putting her in the crib when you're ready to put her down?" She made a face as she drank the tea. "Anders, I don't know what this is you're putting in it now, but this isn't as good as the ginger tea."

"It will help you get to feeling better. I'll make you some more ginger in the morning." He assured her. "Just rest. We'll handle Lea for a bit." He shooed me out of the room.

"Just a quick nap. You're the best. Have I told you that?" She asked as she watched us leaving with the baby.

"Just name the next child after us and we're even." Anders smiled at her and reached for the door.

"Let me recover from Lea first. Not so sure I want another one. And if so, I do hope it's a boy. A little girl named Fenders or Andris wouldn't work. Well, Andris isn't so bad. Maybe Fenan or…"

"Get some rest." He laughed and shut the door.

"I think we're going to have to do something. Sebastian was spouting his craziness to her." I whispered as we moved downstairs.

"One thing is for sure, we can't leave her alone. That was too close. I'll get some more of that tea tomorrow just in case. Seems he didn't give her a potion though. Maybe he's going to give up on that."

"If he has, we should be more worried."

"What do you mean?" Anders asked puzzled.

"If he's willing to try something without the potion to control her or erase her memory of it, then…" I trailed off as he looked grim.

"Then he's getting desperate."

"Desperation drives people to do stupid things."

"We need to tell the others. I'll take Bandit with me once they get back. Will you be alright alone with them for a bit?" He asked.

"I can handle anything he throws at us." I nodded to him. "Though I don't think he'll try anything tonight."

"You never know with crazy people." He said and sighed.

"You would know, huh?" I smirked at him.

"Good one, Fenris. Maybe we'll become friends after all." He laughed.

"Allies don't have to be friends." I said though I was having a growing lack of disgust for the abomination. He was selflessly dedicating himself to Lila and Lea right now. That said something for him. Not that I trusted him by any means. He harbored a spirit in him after all. But for now we were allies and that had to count for something.


	26. Chapter 26

**Hawke**

I sighed as I curled up in my bed. I was exhausted and sore, but so very happy. Lea was here and safe. She was beautiful. My daughter. I had known love before, but nothing like what I felt when I saw her. My heart ached as I had first looked down at her laying on my chest. Love tightened my heart and lungs squeezing it in a delightful way.

I would owe Fenris and Anders the rest of my life. I could never repay them for not only the care they had been giving to me, but also saving Lea. If it hadn't been for them, we would have died. I shoved the thought aside. I needed to rest and that wasn't a thought conductive to sleep.

I already had enough troubling my mind. Sebastian had been strange tonight. Not at all like himself. I flopped back onto my back and stared at the bed curtains as I thought over his strange reaction to my daughter.

He had entered the room after the others had left. As he came in the room, for a moment I had a flash of him entering the room looking at me with the same crazy look before. I had a flash of terror that I quickly shoved aside. This was Sebastian. The man who had taken care of and stood by me through all of the pregnancy. Though it was hard to reconcile the man who had sent to Rainsfere to get the applesauce I wanted while I was pregnant, with the man who came in and said Lea wasn't supposed to be a girl.

"They said…they said you had the baby." He said moving into the room.

I forced myself to smile at him. "I did. Want to come and see her?" I asked though I wanted to tell him to leave. I glanced at him worriedly when he shut the door behind him and moved to the bed. I prayed Fenris or Anders would wake up soon. Something felt off.

"Her? It's a girl? So they didn't lie. But she's not supposed to be a she. She was supposed to be a boy. He was supposed to rule our cities. Unite the lands. This isn't happening as it was told. What have we done wrong? Where did it fall apart? Maker help us reclaim it." He muttered as he moved to sit on the bed and looked at me.

"What?" I asked confused. He forced a smile and reached out to stroke my cheek.

"Nothing, love. Sorry, this is just hard for me. I've missed you so much."

I shifted away from him a bit and turned Lea around so he could see her. For some reason, I didn't want him to hold her. I kept telling myself I was being irrational. The others' fear was rubbing off on me. This was Sebastian, not a monster. His eyes softened and the worry left as he looked down at her. My fear dissolved then. It was Sebastian, and despite the fact we didn't agree on much of anything, he did care about me and Lea. He always had.

"Lea, meet Sebastian. He's the Prince of Starkhaven. Only a day old and meeting a prince. I'm going to have to lock her away somewhere, huh?" I teased smiling at him as he stared at her speechless. He looked up at me with tears in his eyes as he gently touched her cheek.

"She's beautiful, love. May I hold her?" He asked. I placed her in his arms. He pulled the blanket back and looked at her in wonder. "Lea, my darling love. Our little princess. Oh, my darling daughter, forgive me for wishing you were anything but you. You will have a bright future, my love. Only the best for you. The best of everything for us all. As soon as you and your mother are able, we will leave here and move to the Starkhaven keep. It isn't exactly as it was told, but the Maker has smiled on us still." He looked up at me and cupped the back of my neck and pulled me forward, resting my forehead against his. "Now we can finally be a family."

"Sebastian, we've been over this." I said and pulled back. He frowned at me for a moment and then looked back down at Lea.

"Hawke, you said you needed time. Well, I've given it to you. I've been a patient man, but my patience is running out. This is how it is going to be. It's how it's meant to be. We will be married and leave for Starkhaven."

"Sebastian, prince or not, you can't order me to marry you. I'm not leaving Kirkwall." I frowned at him.

"Love, don't be difficult. It's for the best." He said and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Sebastian, don't tell me what to do."

"Hawke, don't be this way. I'm thinking of both of you. I can keep you safe. I'll take care of you both. It will be as it should be." He said frowning at me.

"I don't need anyone to keep us safe. I'm not some weak waif needing a protector!"

"Think about it, love. You have many enemies here. And many who would wish to use her to get to you. You can't keep her safe on your own. I know you are a strong and fierce woman; it's part of why I love you after all. But we have a child now." He said in that patronizing tone I hated so much.

"We don't have anything, Sebastian. I have a child. I will see that she is safe." I snapped at him.

"Hawke, I only want to take care of you. It is my duty." He said moving closer to me. "I'll make you happy. Both of you. I've already spoken to the Grand Cleric. She's going to tell Meredith that we need to take Bethany with us. I have templars who are knights already set up at the Starkhaven keep. She will be safe and happy there. See, love, I listened and I'm willing to work with you on this issue. Think of how wonderful our life will be. No more fighting, no more running or hiding. Bethany would be safe and happy with us. She could have a more active role in your life. She could have the life you always wanted her to have. And Lea? She would have the finest education, the finest clothing, the best of everything. She would have her two adoring parents to tend her and love her. We would be a shining example to her, to all, of what following the Maker looks like. He would bless us. This is the way it's meant to be." He whispered.

"Sebastian, I appreciate all you've done for me, for all of us really, but I'm not going to marry you." He narrowed his eyes at me, but we were saved from farther argument by Fenris.

I had never been so relieved to have someone burst into my room as I had been then. Though their snapping at each other worried me. What were they all keeping from me? I had felt relief when he had placed Lea back in my arms. I didn't think he would hurt her, but he was starting to worry me. What was all the 'it's meant to be' about anyway? Maybe I wasn't the one possessed. Maybe Sebastian was.

I forced my doubts and nerves away. If Fenris or Anders picked up on them I was afraid they would do something about it. I didn't want them to fight with Sebastian anymore. I just didn't want Sebastian coming around anymore. How did you go about telling someone that?

I drifted to sleep determined to put it all aside. This was a happy time. My baby was here, my sister would be back in the morning as well as the others. We were going to celebrate the miracle that had come out of this nightmare.

-0-

I struggled against the belt tying my hands to the bed. It was no use. He had tied me too well. Fear pounded through me as I prayed. What was he going to do to us? Surely he wouldn't hurt the baby. He said he loved us. Why was he doing this? Why hadn't I asked someone to stay? I screamed and screamed as I continued to uselessly fight with the belt. I prayed that someone would hear, but no one did. He entered the room and moved towards me.

"Please, Sebastian. Stop this craziness. Let me go. Please. There is no way the Maker would want you to hurt the baby. Please listen to me." I begged as he moved to the bed. He climbed onto me, pinning my legs. I was trapped by him now. Surrounded and pressed to the bed, my hands couldn't get free and he was looking at me with a crazy look in his eyes.

"You're right, love. I won't hurt either of you. Ever. I'm going to protect you both. You're mine. The Maker gave you to me. This is his will. We are meant to be. You'll understand it all in time. I'm going to save you from the mages." He promised as he poured the potion down my throat as I tried to scream again.

I screamed and thrashed as hands began to shake me. I had to get away. I had to… I struck out as I realized my hands weren't bound. I punched whoever was holding me just as I heard his voice.

"Lila, wake up. It's just a dream. You're safe."


	27. Chapter 27

**Fenris**

I hadn't had the heart to put Lea back in the room with Lila. Lila needed the sleep. Instead I moved her into her nursery and slept in the rocking chair. This way when Lea woke up, I could take her to Lila. Bandit followed me and laid next to the crib.

I don't know how long I had been asleep when I heard the quiet scream. I bolted for Lila's room as Bandit stood up and growled. "Stay with Lea." I ordered him.

I cursed the way the house muffled noise and thanked my luck that I was in the nursery. If I had been in my room, I would have never heard her screaming. I ran harder when I heard her pleading words.

"Please, Sebastian. Stop this craziness. Let me go. Please. There is no way the Maker would want you to hurt the baby. Please listen to me." She cried. That bastard was going to die.

I burst into her room expecting to find Sebastian as she was pleading with him. Instead she was alone, thrashing on the bed. I rushed to her and shook her. "Lila, wake up. It's just a dream. You're safe." I grunted as she punched me. I stumbled back a bit, pleased to know that she could still defend herself. She packed a serious punch.

She sat up gasping as she looked at me. "Oh, Maker! Fenris, I'm sorry. I…" She trailed off as she clasped a hand to her chest trying to slow her breathing. She drew her knees up and laid her head on them. I moved back to her hesitantly as she sobbed. I didn't want hit again.

"Lila?" I asked as I stood beside the bed.

"It was…I…he…" She panted. I sat down and pulled her into my arms.

"You're safe now." I whispered as she curled into me.

"Lea! Where is, Lea?" She demanded and tried to get up. I tightened my arms around her, keeping her there.

"She's just fine. Bandit is with her in the nursery. I didn't want to disturb you so I stayed with her there." I explained. She stopped struggling and sagged against me. "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked after a bit.

She sat up and wiped at her eyes. "I'm sorry, Fenris. I'm being a huge burden to you."

"You are never a burden. Difficult and moody, yes. But a burden? Never." I teased and was rewarded with a smile. It was a bit sad, but at least it was better than the fear that still lingered in her eyes.

"I suppose I deserve that." She sighed. She shoved her hair back and shifted out of my arms. I forced myself to let her this time.

"So, you want to tell me about the dream?" I asked.

She looked away from me. "I was fighting with Sebastian. He had me tied to the bed. He had been talking crazily. And then he forced me to drink a potion. I begged him not to. He was going to hurt Lea, but he wouldn't listen."

I tensed up. Could this be a memory? Had that bastard tied her up and frightened her as he gave her the potion? We had all assumed he had added it to a drink or something. Had he been hurting her instead?

"It felt real. I could feel the bite of his belt as I tried to get free. I could feel him pinning me down. I could taste the sweetness of the potion." She said staring at the embers in the fireplace. I moved to it and stirred it back up and added a log to it. The warm light brightened the room. I turned to find her lyrium colored eyes locked to mine. "He said that the Maker had given me to him." I looked away from her guiltily. "Fenris, please." She begged.

I looked back at her. "Lila?" I asked fearfully. There was no way that was just a dream. His words, the potion. She couldn't have dreamed that. That was a memory. That sorry bastard deserved death.

"Fenris, don't lie to me anymore. Tell me what's wrong. And don't give me that 'he was bullying you' crap again. You were going to rip him apart in front of me. You're fear is bleeding into my dreams now. I feel helpless and weak. I'm scared, Fenris. I'm scared for Lea and myself. If something happened, I'm too weak to protect us right now. Every time he comes I feel fear. I try to push it aside, but it's there. I don't know if I'm being irrational in it or not." I watched her helplessly as tears fell down her cheeks. "I don't like to be afraid. I need to know. Please, Fenris, tell me the truth." I couldn't keep this from her any more. I knew that if I didn't tell her, she would never forgive me.

I moved closer to her and rubbed the back of my neck before crossing my arms. "Lila, I don't know how to tell you this."

She patted the bed beside her. "Just tell me."

I swallowed hard and nodded. I was surprised that when I sat down she reached out and took my hand, holding it lightly in both of hers. "When I came to stay with you, do you remember telling me that you found yourself agreeing with him, even though you didn't really agree?" I asked. She nodded slowly. "I didn't know what to think about it. But when we went to see Anders, he mentioned that something seemed off with you as well."

"When he made you go in the back room?" She asked.

I nodded. "He said that you thought they hadn't been coming around, but Sebastian had told them all that you didn't want them around. Then he asked if I had noticed that sometimes Sebastian would say something and suddenly you were agreeing with him. I would have dismissed his worry, but you had said something as well. Then after Sebastian came back things got worse."

"What do you mean? Sebastian moved out after he got back." She said looking confused.

"He sort of did." I took a breath, trying to steel myself for what I was about to tell her. "He had been back for a few days before we spoke with him."

"That's weird. Why hadn't he come home before then?" She asked.

"He had."

"I think I would remember seeing him." She said with a nervous laugh.

"Do you remember that last dinner we had? The one where you told us all not to stay away?"

"I told you all that the first night we were together again." She frowned.

"Yes, but you also said it that last night after he got back. Sebastian came in when we were playing cards. He told you to send us all home. You at first argued with him about it. Told Varric to deal so Isabela couldn't cheat. He then said something to you and suddenly you were agreeing that it was late and we needed to go. You told us to not stay away from you anymore. You told us to come again the following night. You asked me to come and continue our reading lessons in the morning. Do you remember this?" I asked.

She frowned and shook her head. "I don't remember any of that. I remember Sebastian coming back with you, Anders, and Varric. He told me he was going to give me space and left." She shook her head. "You're saying I'm missing several days of memories?"

"Yes." I nodded.

"How?" She asked looking fearful again.

"Let me explain it all, please." She nodded and bit her lip. "The next morning, I came over just as Sebastian was leaving. You had said you were done with him that night, but then you were kissing him and asking him to hurry back. I approached you after he left and you acted frightened of me. You told me I wasn't supposed to be here. You said you hadn't seen me in weeks." I trailed off and looked away from her. "So I hurried to Anders. He had been suspicious of Sebastian all along. I thought it was simply he was jealous, but something wasn't right. When I got to his clinic, he and Varric were arguing about it. They had letters from you telling us to stay away from you. You said you were marrying Sebastian and couldn't continue to be around us."

"And you're sure they were from me?" She asked horrified.

"They were. I have mine if you want to look at it sometime."

"I…this doesn't make sense, Fenris." She shook her head.

"I'm getting to it. We decided that we needed to do something. Sebastian was obviously up to something. So we broke in and went through his room. We found a locked chest that contained some sort of potion. Anders took it to that potion guy in the gallows. He got upset about it and told us to meet him in the tunnels that night. He explained what it was."

"What was it?" She asked and swallowed hard.

"It's illegal here, but in Tevinter it's called Liquid Obedience. In small doses it causes someone to be open to suggestions. Puts them in a trance of sorts. Over time they can be programmed to a command word. But it has nasty side effects."

"Side effects?" She asked quietly.

"If taken for too long the person can build up a tolerance, needing more of it to be kept in line. Or they could stay in a trance. If given too much, memories are erased."

"Are you saying he dosed me with it? Erased my memories of him coming home? Why?"

"He had been dosing you for a while. Small doses so you would agree with him. I don't know why for sure. We sort of didn't get to that part because he started talking all crazy and…well, I might have hit him a few times." I said and looked at her guiltily. She snorted a laugh and rolled her eyes.

"My hero." She then frowned. "So why don't I remember the other stuff?"

"Well, seems that night you told him to get out. He said that we were the ones hurting you. I think he gave you a large dose trying to remove us from your life. But it didn't go quite like he thought it would."

"That dream I just had…It wasn't a dream, was it?" She asked and began breathing faster.

"I don't think so." I said sadly. "I swear, we didn't know he was dosing you like that. If I had, I would have killed him. I should have anyway. I shouldn't have listened to them saying that we had to let you decide for yourself. I should have seen it sooner, protected you better."

She reached up and cupped my cheek. "Fenris, you didn't do anything wrong other than keeping this from me. I should have known what danger I was facing. No wonder all of you act like rabid dogs when he's around." She looked down sadly. "What did you mean it didn't go like he thought it would?"

"The dose made you open to his suggestions alright, but it also erased your memories. When we found the potions, you two were coming back from the Chantry. You said you didn't feel good and wanted tea. Sebastian said he would bring some to you after you went to lay down. You didn't even remember asking for it two seconds before. And then…" I looked away as I thought of her frightened and confused face when I had found her. "That potion guy gave us a tea to counter the potions. We hurried here to give it to you and I found you on the floor of your room. You were confused and frightened. You were losing your memories, all of them. You thought you were possessed." She looked at me, fear clearly in her eyes.

"I…" She shook her head.

"I gave you the tea and you collapsed. Anders said it was working. When you woke up, you didn't remember any of it. It was as if the last few days hadn't happened."

"That's when you three left. You went to confront Sebastian." I nodded.

"We weren't going to let him hurt you anymore. We took your journal as well. We didn't want you to see the madness. The potion had been effecting you for a while. I have it at my house if you want it back. I swear I've not looked at it." I promised as she looked at me with a frown.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked.

"We were afraid to. How do you tell someone the man who claims to love them has been drugging them? We were relieved you were back and vowed not to let him near you again. We didn't want to upset you or stress Lea. I'm sorry. We should have told you sooner." I said and hung my head.

She took a shaky breath and then rested her head on my shoulder. "For the record, I would have told you, but I think I understand. I guess it's good that I know now, right?" Her voice broke as tears started again. "Why did he do this? What happened to him? The potions won't hurt Lea, right?"

"No, they only effected you. The potion guy said the tea was safe as well. Despite his insanity and evilness, Sebastian doesn't want to hurt Lea. He didn't think he was hurting you either. But Erin was making them for him, and she wouldn't do something to hurt Lea."

"I knew I didn't trust that bitch!" Lila said sounding triumphant for a minute. She then sobbed. I clutched her to me as she cried. "What am I going to do?"

"It's going to be alright. We're here. We aren't going to let him near either of you again." I soothed her.

"That horrible tea Anders made for me. You thought he had given me a potion again." She said pulling back. I nodded. "You guys are jerks for not telling me, but you saved me and Lea, so I'm going to forgive you. Don't lie to me again." She said laying her head back on my shoulder.

I cringed at the thought that I was still keeping something big from her, but did she really need to know that he was Lea's father? She finally drifted back to sleep and I laid her down. I tucked the covers back around her and started to leave.

"Fenris?" She called sleepily. I turned back to her. "Thank you for taking care of us. Would you mind moving Lea and Bandit back in here?"

"Of course." I nodded to her.

"And, maybe if you don't mind…" She looked away uncertainly.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" I asked, my heart was hammering. It wasn't in the way I wanted her to want me, but she was trusting me to protect them. It was something at least.

"I'm sorry." She whispered and looked away. "I know it's a lot to put on you, but…I feel safer when you're close."

"Then I'll be right back." I promised and rushed to gather Lea up. "Come on, Bandit." I said and we headed back to Lila's. Lea began to fuss as we entered the room. Lila held her hands out to her.

"Feeding time." She sighed with a smile.

"I'll give you some privacy." I said and headed out the door. She called me back in a little later. I took the sleeping Lea back and placed her in her crib. I chanced a peek at Lila. She wasn't looking at me so I quickly placed a kiss on Lea's head. "Sleep well, little one." I whispered.

Lila was smiling at me as I turned around. I frowned at her. She held up her hands. "I won't say a word."

"You just did." I pointed out. She smiled at me and curled up. "Did you want me to stay?" I asked unsure what to do now.

"If you don't mind. If you want to leave, you can. I'm being a bit of a baby, but…"

"I don't mind staying." I said and moved to sit in her chair. She frowned at me.

"What are you doing?"

"Going to sleep."

"Fenris, you can share the bed with me." She pulled back the covers on one side. "It's not like you haven't before." She frowned as I hesitated. "It's alright, you can go back to your room. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"It's not that, Lila. I just don't want to be inappropriate with you."

"Fenris, I'm not going to jump you in the middle of the night. Well, it is the middle of the night, but you know what I mean."

"I never thought that." I hurried to assure her.

"I was teasing you." She rolled her eyes. "Is it the markings? Are they hurting?"

"No." I said and moved to the bed. "They don't hurt when you touch them."

"I'm glad. I wouldn't like to think I caused you any pain. You've had more than enough." I didn't know what to say, so instead I slowly climbed into the bed. She watched me and shook her head as I laid gingerly on the edge of it. She turned over and wrapped around her pillow. "I'll trust you to make yourself comfortable. I'm too tired to argue with you about it anymore." She yawned and pulled the covers tightly around her shoulder. "Night." I had thought she had gone to sleep when she suddenly started. "Fenris?"

"Hmm?" I asked quietly.

"We can't tell Bethany."

"Didn't you just get angry that we were keeping it from you?"

"Do you want me to get angry?" She asked turning over and arching a brow at me.

"No." I answered quickly.

"She would just worry about this. I don't want to worry or frighten her."

"That's why we didn't tell you as well." I said quietly.

She sighed. "I get that and I'm trying not to be mad, but it's different." I started to protest, but she cut me off. "Do not give me that look. It is. He was giving me the potions. I should have known the danger I was in. It was happening to me. I get you guys wanted to protect me, but I should have known. Bethany can't do anything about it. This would only worry her. Please."

"I will do as you ask." I nodded.

"Good. I'm too tired to work up a good guilt trip." She yawned and snuggled into her pillow more. "Would you tell the others not to as well?" Her eyes drifted closed, but then snapped back open and she glared at me. "Does she already know?"

"No. We told her the same thing we had told you. It was the basic truth." I added as she gave me a look.

"Lying by omission is still a lie, Fenris." Her words were like a punch in the gut.

"Lila, I need to tell you something." I said unable to look at her.

She sighed heavily. "Is it life shattering?"

"Yes." I answered.

"Is it going to upset me?"

"Yes."

"Is it going to put Lea or me in danger for me not to know?"

"I don't see how it could."

"Then can you save it for a while? I'm still trying to wrap my mind around Sebastian not being the man I thought he was. Despite the fact I realized I didn't love him, this still hurts." She said quietly.

"Of course, Lila. I just didn't want to lie to you. I never want you not to trust me."

She held her hand out to me. I clasped it and she tugged me until I settled closer to her. She sighed as she watched me, her eyes searching mine. "Despite the fact you lied to me about this, I know it wasn't maliciously. I know you were trying to protect me. I do trust you. Always." She promised. She patted my cheek and then turned back over. "Now let me get some sleep. She'll want fed again in a few hours."

"Goodnight, Lila." I said quietly feeling overwhelmed.

It was out in the open. At least for the most part. And she still trusted me. She still wanted me around. We should have known that she would handle it. She handled everything life threw at her. And it had thrown enough. I was going to see what I could do to keep it from throwing more at her. I watched her as she fell asleep. She had taken the whole thing rather well. I hoped she still would be forgiving about it in the morning because the others weren't going to be. I lightly touched her hair.

"You don't have to be frightened anymore. I'll always protect you both." I vowed before settling down to sleep.


	28. Chapter 28

**Hawke**

I awoke just as the sun was coming up. I started to stretch, but realized that Fenris was wrapped around me. One arm under my neck and the other wrapped around my waist. Lea was just beginning to stir in her crib. It was only a matter of moments before she would make a noise and wake him up. It was only going to be a few seconds to be here in his arms before he realized it and moved away.

So I closed my eyes and let myself have the moment. A moment of safety when it felt like the world had been turned on its side. A moment to enjoy the simple comfort of having someone's arms around me. The moment to pretend that what was between us could be real and not him staying out of a sense of duty. But then the reality of the things he had told me intruded and stole my peace.

I didn't know what to do or think. Sebastian had been drugging me. He had been working to change me into the person he thought I should be. I would never have thought he would be so underhanded. What had he been thinking? Surely he wasn't so crazy as to think that the Maker wanted him to do that. What could he have possibly thought would happen?

My heart was broken all over again. How could I have been so wrong about him? What was I supposed to do about this now? What if he tried something? Fenris and Anders had lives to return to. They wouldn't and shouldn't have to protect me forever. But what was I going to do?

Maybe it was time to return to Ferelden. Things were so chaotic here. Meredith continued to tighten her hold on the mages in particular, and Kirkwall in general. I could appeal to King Alistair to have Bethany moved to the Circle in Ferelden. I didn't have enemies there. Sebastian was right about that. I had plenty of enemies here.

The thought of leaving my friends hurt. How could I abandon them now? But I had to think of Lea. She was the most important person now. I had to protect her.

I didn't think I had made a noise as I quietly cried out my misery, but I must have because Fenris' arms tightened around me. He pulled me over and curled me into his chest as he sat up, cradling me in his arms. Somewhere along the way, the cold and distant 'don't touch me or I'll rip out your heart' Fenris had disappeared. He was still distant with the others, but he didn't seem to mind me touching him anymore. He made soothing noises as he held me to him.

I should have pulled away. I should have gotten up. I should have done anything but what I did. I pulled my head away from his neck and looked up at him. He shifted slightly so he could watch me. His green eyes intense and worried. When had he become my safety and comfort? When had he become the one who I wanted to turn to? The one I could rely on?

But he was. The one I wanted by me. The one who made me laugh. The one who let me cry. The one who made me feel safe. The one I was falling for. Not the stupid infatuation I had with Sebastian, but the real gotten to know the man beneath the harsh and angry exterior kind. The kind that had started out as friendship, but developed into something more. Damn it all to the Void, I was falling for Fenris.

And then I did the most ludicrous thing of my life, which was saying a lot given my track record. I fisted one hand into the collar of his shirt. The other gripped the back of his head and I jerked him to me, kissing him hard. He started for a moment, his green eyes growing wide, but then they fluttered closed and his arms shifted around me so he was supporting me as he leaned me back into the bed. His lips were surprisingly soft as they danced with mine. I wasn't sure which of us deepened the kiss, but as suddenly as it started it stopped. Fenris was standing at the foot of the bed and looking at the fireplace with a wild look in his eyes. He ran his hand through his hair and took a shaky breath.

"Lila, I…" He said and gulped audibly.

"Fenris, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…I'm so sorry." He turned from me and nodded sharply.

"I should go." He said and stalked towards the door, anger pouring off of him.

"Fenris, please don't hate me." I begged quietly. He froze in the doorway and glanced at me over his shoulder.

"I could never hate you, Lila. I just need some air." He said and took off out the door.

I bit back a sob. I deserved him walking away. I was stupid to have done it. I knew that he was only here out of guilt. I knew he didn't have feelings for me. I knew he hated to be touched and he was making this sacrifice for me. And I had to ruin it. I always managed to ruin things. He had tried so hard to be a good friend, and I confused the issue with my stupid feelings. Another friendship ruined because I couldn't contain my feelings.

Anders entered and I hastily wiped my eyes before he looked at me. "What was that about? Fenris just stormed past me and out of the house. Everything alright?" Anders asked turning to look at me.

"He said he needed some air." I said and was saved from farther questioning by Lea beginning to cry. Anders picked her up and brought her to me. I took her and looked up at Anders. "We need to talk before Bethany gets here. Don't go to far, please." I said preparing to feed Lea. Anders looked worried but nodded.

"I'll just run down and grab us some breakfast. Fenris going to come back?" He asked.

I looked down at Lea knowing I wouldn't be able to mask my misery right then. "I don't know."

"Right. Well, breakfast for two coming up." He smiled brightly, but I could see the worry in his eyes. I shoved it all aside and focused on Lea.

Anders returned and changed her for me as he said I still wasn't allowed out of bed. I quickly told him all that Fenris had told me. By this time Merrill had joined us. Anders was angry at first, but calmed when Merrill pointed out that me knowing would help keep me safe. He had finally agreed that it was probably for the best.

"I don't want Bethany to know. Spread the word." I said to both of them as we heard Bethany downstairs. They nodded.

"I'll go and meet up with the others. Varric and Isabela should be up by now. Hopefully she'll be alone this time." Merrill said with a sigh.

I had to laugh at that. How sweet and innocent Merrill and wild and crazy Isabela had ended up so close was beyond me, but the two were just like Bethany and me. Well, they would be if Bethany was Dalish and thought blood magic was alright to use, and I was a pirate who slept around a lot, but the relationship they had was very sisterly.

The others all came and went throughout the day. I kept glancing up each time someone came in, hoping Fenris was going to be there, but by dinnertime he still hadn't shown up. I felt too miserable to go down to the big celebration dinner. I said I was tired which wasn't a lie and sent the others down without me. I knew they were worried, I could see it in their faces and shared glances, but I wasn't going to admit what had happened. I laid there staring at the ceiling for a while before I decided to be somewhat productive. Anders would yell at me later, but by then the damage would already be done.

I made my way slowly to my desk. I hadn't realized how exhausted I really was until then. My body barely cooperated. It was worse than after the Arishok. I made it to the desk, slowly, but I had made it. I sat down and penned a letter. Now I just had to wait to get one of the others to deliver it for me.


	29. Chapter 29

**Fenris**

I had to get away. I couldn't stay there. I couldn't bear to see the look in her eye when she told me it was a mistake, just a moment. I understood what I was to her. I was a protector and comforter. She had needed comfort and sought it out. It was just a moment.

My chant did nothing to help my hammering heart. I had kissed her back. I had let my feelings take over. Now she would know my secret.

If I had just held still. If I had just pulled back. If I had moved out of her bed the instant she was asleep. If, if, if. The if's were a chant as I stormed through the early morning quiet of Hightown. Everything was ruined now, tainted and changed, and it was my fault. She would look at me with pity now.

The runaway elven slave with the stolen mansion who dared to dream that he could be worthy of the Champion of Kirkwall. The others would laugh about it. Broody should have known his place, Varric would laugh. The beast got what he deserved, Anders would agree. Poor Fenris, Merrill would sigh.

Lila would probably turn to the abomination now. It would be safer than to turn to me. As much as Anders cared for her, he would never do as I had done. He would know that she was still grieving from the loss of the dream she had had. She could never care for me. I should have seen it. She had fallen for Sebastian, not the man he really was, but the man we all thought he was. That was what she wanted. Someone strong and whole and normal. Though those things no longer applied to Sebastian, they didn't apply to me either.

I went home, but home didn't feel like home anymore. I stalked through the rooms looking for something to take my mind off my misery, but each room mocked me. Taunting me with the facts of who and what I was. I was a nothing. A slave who had been fortunate enough to win the sympathies of a woman too good for the likes of any of the companions she kept. I didn't even have memories of my past. This was probably a blessing as well. I was probably an even worse person than I thought I was.

I wallowed in my misery for a while, but then I realized I had left them. I had vowed to protect them and I had walked out. Just as I had when we had fought Hadriana, just as I had when we had gone after Danairus here in this house, just as I had when we had gone after the slavers.

I whirled and ran. I couldn't go back to her. I wasn't ready for that yet. I had to get myself under control first, but I could go and watch him. I wasn't going to let that bastard hurt her again. As I got to the Chantry I wondered if I shouldn't just go and kill him. Finish what I had started. Lila would be angry with me but also relieved. The threat he posed would be gone. She and Lea would be safe. They wouldn't need me to protect them anymore.

I started for the door, but froze halfway there. If I killed him, I would be the violent beast Anders accused me of. I would prove Danarius right when he said I was nothing more than a weapon. I didn't want hate and violence to dictate my life anymore. I didn't want to be that man.

Hadn't Lila been trying to show me that for years now? That I didn't have to be that person Danarius had built me to be. That I could build a life of my own choosing. I hadn't been sure how or even what I wanted to be, but I knew now, at least in part. I wanted to be a man worthy of being in Lila and Lea's life. And someone worthy of her wouldn't kill a man in cold blood. Even if he really deserved it. I was sure I would get my chance at Sebastian. The man wasn't going to give up. Someday he would push and then his heart would be mine.

So I settled in to keep watch on him. He wouldn't make a move without me as his shadow. And if he so much as glanced at her house, I would beat him black and blue. Lila wouldn't be worried about the bruises this time.

I was growing bored as night fell. I had forgotten how tedious it was to wait around for someone. I had gotten used to Lila's constant need for activity. He hadn't bothered to leave the Chantry at all. But I would stay in my vigil. Last night he had come to her about this time.

I shifted farther back into the shadows as I saw Varric heading for the Chantry. To say it was an odd sight would be an understatement. He climbed up the stairs and paused as he glanced around the shadows. I noticed an envelope in his hands. What was he doing?

"Broody, I'm sure you're here somewhere. I went by your house and you weren't there. I don't know why you ran off, but I figured you would be the one who wanted to give this to him." Varric whispered as he got to the top. I moved out of the shadows and he smiled at me.

I took the envelop and looked at him. "What's this?"

He laughed and shook his head. "Hawke said it was payback."

"What?" I glanced down at the envelop in my hand.

"It's a letter to Sebastian. She asked me to deliver it, but I figured you would want to." Varric eyed me. "So why'd you run?"

"I didn't run."

"According to Anders, like the house was on fire." He chuckled. "Let me guess, Hawke caught you making puppy eyes at her and you bolted."

"I do not make puppy eyes!" I snapped.

He sighed and held his hands out. "Fine, fine. But whatever's up between you two, do you think you can get over it? She's pretending everything's fine, but she's not doing a very convincing job of it this time. Even Daisy picked up on it."

"There is nothing to get over. I simply wanted some air. I chose to watch Sebastian rather than hover around Lila."

"Right, air. Um, hmm." Varric said continuing to watch me.

"What do you want from me, Varric?" I snapped.

"Me? Nothing. Just making sure you're alright. This hasn't been easy for you either."

"I'm not the one who was raped, drugged, and forced to have a bastard's child because he was sick and twisted!"

"No, but you are the one who's given up the most after her. You've moved in, protected, and tended her. You're the one who has feelings for her."

"My feelings are my own concern." I snarled. "And yes, I've done all of that, but it's only what had to be done. She needs me."

"And that has to be hard because you think she needs you but doesn't want you."

"If she wanted me gone, she would say so." I frowned at him.

"That's not what I meant by want and you know it."

"I have always known what my place is with her."

"Spoken like a slave." He said and shook his head.

"That's what I was, dwarf!"

"Right, but you've been free from him for what nine years now?" Varric pressed. "Six with us, three on your own?"

"I am not free of him yet."

"And there is more truth in that statement than you realize. If you would open up your eyes, you would see what is plain to see. You aren't a slave, Broody. You haven't been in a long time. And you never were in Hawke's eyes. Maybe it's time for you to let go of that life."

"It's all I know." I said quietly and looked away from him.

"Wrong. It was all you knew. You've been around us long enough to know something different now. Look, I'm not saying you don't have a right to be pissed because you do. All I'm saying is that maybe your hate and anger are keeping you locked in a place that feels comfortable now. You don't need to hold on to that anymore. You have all of us to hold onto now."

"And what am I supposed to do, Varric?"

"I don't know. Your life is your own. But maybe try something new. Get some new clothes, clean up your mansion, change your hair, get a job. I don't know. Maybe try not running when something gets a little difficult." He gave me a pointed look.

"I'm not running. I just needed a break."

"And I get that. She would too if you had just said that."

"I told her I needed some air."

He rolled his eyes. "Right. You say something along those lines each time you run from her."

"I've never run from her. I might leave her in situations I shouldn't, but it's not her I'm running from."

"Tell yourself whatever you need to, Broody, but I'm not buying it." He held up his hand as I started to protest. "I didn't come here to argue with you. I wanted to make sure you were alright and to give you the letter. Though the mood you're in, probably shouldn't have done that. I know you don't like to talk, but I'm here if you need someone to broodily sit in silence with. I'll even work on not asking you a thousand questions. Helps if you buy me a pint or two." He smirked at me. "Want me to go with you?"

I glanced at the letter and shook my head. I didn't want a chaperone for this. And I was done talking about Lila and myself.

He sighed and nodded. "I had hoped to get to see his face. Oh, well. I'll just make something up for the story."

"You always make up stuff for the story." I smirked at him.

"Well, sometimes it needs a little bit of spice added." He shrugged. "This time I think it needs some good stuff."

"Good stuff?" I asked wondering what he would tell this time.

"You know, some fighting, maybe some bleeding. A little of him on the floor crying like a baby. I like the way that sounds."

"I like the image as well." I said picturing it in my head.

"Yeah, well, don't go and get arrested. Aveline's staying with Hawke tonight. Anders had some stuff to take care of in the clinic."

"They would have to catch me to arrest me." I said and started for the chantry.

"Yeah, well, remember Hawke will slaughter me if you get hurt or in trouble. So do a fellow a solid and don't get killed."

"Oh, I don't plan on dying any time soon. I have a life to start, right?" I said and entered the chantry.


	30. Chapter 30

**Sebastian**

I paced my room, hating that I was away from my family. I had been so sure that once Hawke had the baby we would be back to normal, but she was being so damned stubborn. And the baby… We had a daughter. Andraste had said our son would unite the lands. Maybe she had meant our next child. Not that it mattered. One look at my precious daughter and I had been in love. She was going to be as wonderful as her mother. Hopefully a little less stubborn though.

Elthina had destroyed the remainder of my potions or I would have used one last night. She had also forbidden Erin to make me more for now. She said I needed to trust the Maker, but the waiting was getting old. My daughter was being surrounded by those cretins. She and Hawke deserved better. My girls needed to be pampered and adored as they were meant to be.

I turned as my door opened. I narrowed my eyes and glared at Fenris as he stood in the doorway. "What do you want?" I demanded.

"You to drop dead, but seems that's not going to happen." He sneered and then tossed something on my bed. "Lila wanted that delivered to you."

I smirked at him and crossed my arms. "Already been reduced to the errand boy for her?"

His fist tightened and I hoped I had provoked him to fight me again. This time I wouldn't have to hold back. This time I could thrash the damned elf and show him his proper place.

He slowly relaxed his hand back and eyed me with a raised brow. "Jealous that she chose me and without a potion to force her?"

"She hasn't chosen you! She's using you as a shield while she's weak. She's going to marry me. I can give her so much more than you ever could." I snapped.

"The only thing you've given her is nightmares." He snarled and moved closer.

"I will make her a princess, give her a palace to live in. I will protect her and care for her. What can you offer?" I laughed and shook my head. "I almost feel sorry for you, Fenris. She's going to return to me and you'll realize that you were nothing more than a tool."

"Feel sorry for yourself, Sebastian. She's never going to be yours." He said and then walked away.

"She already is mine." I whispered to the empty doorway. I moved to the bed and picked up the letter.

**_Sebastian,_**

**_I don't even know what to think or say right now. I don't know how this happened. I don't know why it happened. I wish I could understand it. To say I'm hurt and confused would be an understatement. I'm devastated._**

**_I thought I loved you and then realized I didn't know you. I didn't realize how much I didn't know you until now. I thought you were everything you pretended to be. But I see it was all a lie now._**

**_I know about the potions. I know that you were trying to control me. I know you tricked and forced me to take them._**

**_What I don't know is why. Why would you do that to me? How could you say you love me, but then try to force me to be someone else? How could you risk hurting me with them? How can you claim to be a man of the Maker and do such an evil thing?_**

**_No, don't answer it. I want to be free from you more than I want closure. There is nothing you can say that would make this right. You have betrayed me. You have hurt me and frightened me._**

**_You once asked me what I wanted. Well, I want you to stay far away from me and Lea. I don't ever want to see you again._**

**_I don't wish you ill, I just wish you gone. Leave Kirkwall, Sebastian. Go and claim your destiny in Starkhaven and leave me alone. I pray that you can find the man you once were. I pray that you will be awoken from this madness that has clouded your mind._**

**_Hawke_**

I crumpled the letter and tossed it aside. They had poisoned her mind against me. They had convinced her to shove me aside. Twisted the use of the potions. If I could just get her away from them, I could explain it to her. She would understand.

I could sooth her fear and her hurt. I could show her how much I cared. How we were meant to be together. I just needed to get her away from them.

I could see it now. Where we had failed. The potions. We hadn't trusted the Maker and instead relied on magic. Well, this time we wouldn't. This time I would take her and Lea far from here. I would keep her locked up if I needed to, but she would see reason. She would come to realize we were meant to be together.

I would need to get the keep ready for them. I didn't want it not to be perfect for them. I needed to show her how wonderful it was going to be. Sure she was frightened now, but in time she would come to see all the work and love I had put into us. But first, one problem needed addressed now.

I ran. I burst out of the chantry and bolted down the stairs. I spotted the smug elf and dropping my shoulder, plowed into him. We tumbled to the ground. Fenris began to glow, but I wrapped my hands around his neck and slammed his face into the ground.

"You did this to us! You tried to drive me away from her! I won't let you do it though! She is mine, elf!" I snarled as I smashed him into the ground. Suddenly my hands were empty. I whirled around just in time to see his knee heading straight for my nose.

"You did this to her, you son of a bitch! You drugged her! You tied her up to the bed and forced a potion down her throat all the while she begged you not to!" He yelled as I slammed back into a wall. My nose was broken and blood poured from it. I couldn't let the pain slow me down though.

I surged to my feet and threw myself at him. He was surprisingly strong and swung, punching me as I grabbed his shoulders. I saw spots for a moment. I quickly shook it off as I brought my booted heel down on his bare foot as hard as I could. I heard the crunch of bones snapping as I did. He snarled in pain and head butted me, knocking me back.

I eyed him with a smirk. His lip was split, blood pouring from where it looked like he had bitten through it. His cheek was cut and bruising. He stood tensed and ready for a fight, but his weight wasn't evenly distributed anymore. He was going to have trouble with the broken foot.

"Not so easy to best me when I'm not being held back by a woman, am I?" I laughed.

"Just letting you get a few hits in before I kill you. It makes it all the more enjoyable to watch the hope die in their eyes when you let them think they have the upper hand." He said and began to glow.

"You can't kill me, elf! I am the Prince of Starkhaven. But you…you are a nobody. The world won't miss a worthless elf. Neither will Hawke."

"I am not worthless!" Fenris yelled and then rushed me.

I braced for the slam this time. He was slower with the broken foot, but it was barely perceivable as he slammed me. I shoved back at him and managed to keep from hitting the wall this time. I brought my foot up to stomp his again, but suddenly he wasn't there. I stumbled forward and fell as he was suddenly on my back, driving me into the ground. The sharp claws of his gauntlets dug into my scalp as he fisted his hand in my hair and slammed my face into the ground. I bucked and twisted, managing to throw him off of me. I spun and tackled him, pinning him to the ground. He punched me in the ribs with one hand and clawed my face with the other. I pulled back and held my face. Blood poured through my fingers.

"You filthy beast!" I yelled at him. He had scarred me. He wiggled his bloody claws and smirked as he shifted to a crouch.

"What's the matter, Sebastian? Not going to be the pretty boy anymore? Fight get too rough? Harder when your intended victim can fight back, huh?" He lowered his head and I felt a tremor of fear go through me as he looked up at me through his white hair. "Ask for a beast, and you will get one." He shifted forward reaching his glowing hand out.

"Hold, Fenris!" I heard a familiar voice yell. Fenris snarled but froze in place. "What in the Maker's name is going on here?" Donnic demanded as he and two other guards moved into the courtyard.

"This beast attacked me. I want him arrested!" I demanded and smirked at Fenris. Donnic looked back and forth between us. Fenris snarled and tensed back up.

"Is that true?" Donnic asked looking at Fenris. Fenris shifted his eyes from me to him.

"No." He said quietly.

"Guardsman, I am the Prince of Starkhaven. I have been assaulted by this elf. I demand he be arrested." I snapped.

"Fenris, I…maybe I should just take you both in and let Aveline decide." Donnic said looking nervously back and forth between us. "Let a magistrate hear your stories."

"There is no need for that, Guardsman." Elthina's voice said suddenly from behind us. I whirled and looked over at her. She frowned at me. "I and this man here were witness to the fight." She said gesturing to Varric who watched me smugly. "We were coming to get a guard when you appeared. Sebastian attacked first. The elf was just defending himself."

"Fenris, do you want me to arrest Sebastian?" Donnic asked looking relieved.

"That won't be necessary, Guardsman. Sebastian will not do it again." Elthina said giving me a hard look.

"Your Grace, with all due respect, what he did was illegal." Donnic said glancing back at me.

"It's alright, Donnic. I don't mind letting him go." Fenris said and moved closer to me. "Come near Lila, Lea, or me again and I will finish this." He said, his voice dropped so low it was barely more than a snarl.

"Do not threaten me, beast!" I snapped at him.

"I didn't. It's a promise." He replied with a casual shrug.

"Sebastian, please come back to the Chantry now. We need to talk. A messenger from Starkhaven is here looking for you. He said it's urgent." Elthina said moving to take my arm.

"This isn't over." I said, glaring at Fenris and Varric as I let her lead me away. "Well, Broody, I did say I wanted some good stuff. I really liked the clawing up his face." Varric laughed and patted Fenris on the back. "So you want to go see Blondie before you go back to Hawke?"

I glanced back at them one last time before Elthina lead me into the Chantry. "Elthina, you shouldn't have interfered." "And you shouldn't have attacked him."

"They told her about the potions. She sent me a letter telling me to stay away." I snapped.

"Sebastian, I'm sorry for all of this. But what did you really think you were going to accomplish by attacking one of her friends? Did you honestly think she would forgive you for hurting him?"

"She needs to be away from them all. If I can just get her and Lea to Starkhaven…" I started, but Elthina sighed and shook her head.

"Sebastian, too much damage has been done already. You will not kidnap Hawke. If you want any chance of winning her back, you need to let the Maker handle it. Deal with your messenger. You are needed in Starkhaven for a while it seems. Something about some mercenary groups moving in or something. Let Hawke recover a bit. Trust the Maker."

"I am not leaving my child and my bride with that beast! Look at what he did to me!" I yelled.

"After you attacked him, Sebastian. I know that it is hard to think of her and Lea with the others, but they would never hurt them. Give her time, Sebastian. Prove to her you are the man she thought you were. Don't prove them right by acting like a monster. If you continue to attack her friends or try to force her to see your side of things, you will only drive her farther away. Take some time, deal with Starkhaven, and then return for her."

"I don't want to leave her." I whined.

"Trust the Maker, Sebastian." She said and motioned Erin to come over. "Can you heal Sebastian?"

"Yes, your Grace." She said and bowed her head to me before she began to heal me.

I didn't want to leave Hawke alone. I didn't want to walk away from her or our daughter. But if Starkhaven was having trouble, I had to fix it. I didn't want to take them into danger. Maybe Elthina was right. Maybe if I gave her a bit more time, Hawke would realize it was me she loved and needed. And if not, well, Starkhaven would be secure and I would have a place to take her to. No more companions or meddlesome Grand Clerics to deal with. One way or another, Hawke and Lea would soon be coming home.


	31. Chapter 31

**Fenris**

"No." I answered Varric. "I think it would be best to head back to Lila. I don't believe he won't try something again. I have potions there."

"So you're going back to Hawke then?" Varric asked.

I watched Sebastian enter the Chantry and nodded. "Yes. I can't let him have another chance at her."

"Well then, good luck with that. Give a short man a head start, kay?" Varric said and started off.

"What?" I asked and took a hesitant step forward. My foot hurt, but I had had worse before. I would manage.

"Hawke might have asked me to check on you, but not give you the letter to give to Sebastian. She might have said something along the lines that letting you give him the letter would only make the situation worse seeing as you had already hit him a few times." Varric said looking guilty.

"Then why did you give it to him?" Donnic asked with an exasperated sounding sigh that reminded me a lot of his wife.

"Well, I thought Broody would have more self control. Besides he's been doing all the hard work. Thought he should get some of the fun." Varric shrugged.

"I have plenty of self control. Apparently Sebastian doesn't. And I haven't been doing any hard work. Taking care of Lila is easy."

"Except when she's moody. Girl's got a downright nasty temper. I don't want beaten so I'm going to avoid her until she's had some time to cool off." Varric took off with a wave. "See you later."

Donnic shook his head and sighed. "Come on. Let's go and tell my wife she was right. You realize you are going to make her impossible to live with for the next week, right?"

"What?" I asked and hobbled next to him. The other two guards resumed their patrol.

"I wasn't on duty tonight. Aveline said she thought there was going to be trouble and asked me to join the normal guards for the Chantry patrol tonight. She said she was sure Varric was going to go right to you and give you the letter. Or you had already gone after Sebastian. I told her Varric wasn't stupid and neither were you. That the two of you would never want to upset Hawke. Guess I was wrong."

"I didn't want to upset Lila. And he attacked me. I refrained from all his taunts when I gave him the letter." I pointed out.

"Still. She's going to be angry when she sees you." Donnic answered and slowed his pace a bit. He handed me a potion and waited for me to drink it.

"Lila won't see me. Anders told her she has to stay in bed for a few days. I'll drink another potion when I get to my room and she'll never have to know."

He gave me a look and shook his head. "You have to know Hawke better than that. I don't know her as well as all of you, and I know that she's probably up pacing her room worrying about where you are right now."

"Why would she?" I asked feeling the misery of the whole thing wash over me again. Sebastian's words rang in my head. As much as I wanted to deny them, I feared partly he was right. I would never be anything more than her shield.

"You cannot be that blind." Donnic said with a laugh. I looked at him confused and he shook his head. "Fenris, she cares about you. A great deal."

"She cares about all of us."

"Yes, but she doesn't look at anyone the way she does you. She never even looked at Sebastian the way she does you."

"Don't go there, Donnic. She sees me as a friend. Someone who can protect her. To think any differently would only cause trouble."

"Is that why you ran off this morning?" Donnic asked. I frowned at him. He held up his hands. "I know you don't like talking about personal stuff, but we are friends. If you wanted to talk, I would listen. Can't promise to give you much advice. The romance stuff was pretty difficult for Aveline and me after all." He laughed and shook his head.

"I remember. Somehow Lila and I were drug into your…unusual courtship." I laughed.

"Yes. You were so helpful. What was it you said? Something like 'She wants you. It's pathetic and admirable.'" Donnic said and elbowed me as we stopped outside of Lila's house.

"I never claimed to be good at it. I still don't know why she wanted our help." I said and shook my head as I looked up at the house.

Lila was in there. Was she really pacing, worried about my absence? If she was, was it simply worry for a friend, worry that our friendship was hurt now? Or could it be more? Had she kissed me out of anything other than it being a moment?

I shoved those thoughts aside. It would make it too painful. To hope and have it dashed would be too much. I would be the man she needed, the shield and safety for her and Lea. I could do this.

"We kissed." I said suddenly. I wasn't sure why I was telling Donnic. It was foolish to even think of it anymore. But suddenly it had just spilt out.

His eyes widened. "And you ran?" He closed his eyes and shook his head. "Fenris, in my limited understanding, running after a girl kisses you is a sure fire way to ensure it doesn't happen again."

"It shouldn't have happened to begin with. If I had stayed she would have said as much. As it was, she was already apologizing for it. Like it was her fault. I'm the one who made it worse." I said hanging my head.

"Wait, I think I need some clarity here. How, other than running, did you make it worse?"

I leaned against the wall and sighed. I had already said this much. May as well tell him all of it. It wasn't like Donnic would tell anyone else anyway. "She was awake and upset when I woke up. I held her while she was crying."

"Wait, you were in bed with her?" Donnic asked with a slight smile.

"She had a bad dream. Though it was actually a memory rather than a dream. She woke up screaming in the middle of the night. I went to her thinking Sebastian was attacking since she was pleading with him. She told me about the dream when she calmed down. I was forced to tell her about the potions then. That bastard had tied her to the bed and forced her to drink it. He held her down all the while she was pleading with him to stop." I said feeling the rage building again.

"I can see why you would want to kill him. I'm glad you didn't though. I wouldn't want to be the one to arrest you for it. Don't think Aveline would forgive either of us for that one." Donnic said and leaned back against the wall with me.

"I should have killed him when we first found out. It doesn't matter now. Eventually I will."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." Donnic said giving me a look. "So you told her about the potions after her dream. She what? Asked you to hold her after it?"

"No. She asked me to stay with her. She said she felt safer when I was near."

"And you think she doesn't like you." He shook his head.

"She likes me as a friend, Donnic." I frowned at him.

"That girl never admits she's afraid. She never backs down from a fight. She tries really hard not to let anyone see her as anything other than cool and strong. Yet with you she cries, tells you she's scared, and says you make her feel safe. Fenris, she cares about you. She trust you."

"As a friend." I stressed. "Are you going to listen or just keep making this harder?"

"Fine." He held his hands up.

"As I was saying, she asked me to move Lea and Bandit back in the room with her. She then asked if I would mind staying."

"Which of course you didn't." Donnic smirked.

"Shut up." I snapped. "I was going to sleep in the chair. I should have. I should have gotten up the instant she went to sleep, but I didn't."

"And?"

"And when I woke up, I was holding her. She was crying. I comforted her. She kissed me. I…kissed her back and then…I said I needed air and left."

"So she kissed you first?"

"Yes, but it wasn't like that. It was just a moment thing. She was upset and I was there and…"

"And she saw her brave protector and kissed him."

"Donnic." I warned.

"So you kissed her back and then bolted? She apologized then, didn't she?"

"Yes. I couldn't listen to her explaining it away. I didn't want to hear it. I knew all along what I was to her. I've messed everything up now."

"I don't see how." He said and pushed off the wall. "Except for the running thing. Now she's going to think you're mad at her for kissing you."

I thought about her quiet plea as I was leaving. She did think I was mad at her. I didn't know how to fix this mess though. I hoped we could just pretend it never happened. Go back to the way things were.

"It doesn't matter now. She'll say it was a mistake. I'll agree and we'll never speak of it again." I shrugged.

"I think you're making a big mistake if you go in there with that attitude. You're going to miss out on something that could be great if you aren't careful." He said turning to face me.

"Donnic, Lila just had a baby. A baby she thinks is from a slaver that caught her because of me. She just found out the man she was in a relationship with was drugging her and trying to brainwash her. The last thing she needs is the man she's leaning on to get foolish about her."

"What we need and want are normally two separate things." He said and held his hands out as I glared at him. "I'm just saying. I won't press you anymore. Just know that I'm here if you need to talk."

"I'm going to assume you know this isn't going to go past the two of us or I will have to kill you."

He laughed and slapped my shoulder. "I am fully aware of the bro code, Fenris. Nothing you say to me will ever go anywhere else. Come on. Let's go and get the yelling over with."


	32. Chapter 32

**Hawke**

I paced my room anxiously. I knew I was supposed to be resting. Especially while Lea was. That girl seemed to have decided sleeping wasn't nearly as much fun as crying. Though she might just be sensing my mood. I was tired, but the potion Anders had given me helped. And I couldn't close my eyes without seeing Fenris' angry face.

I needed to know he was alright. I hated it when he ran off. Even before we had gotten close I had always hated when he ran. He was still being hunted. If something were to happen to him…

I trailed off and shoved the thoughts aside. I had enough to worry about without adding to it. Sebastian had been given the letter by now. Varric would have probably found Fenris. Hopefully Fenris hadn't killed Sebastian. I didn't want Fenris to be killed for doing that. If anyone was going to get to kill Sebastian, it was going to be me.

"You're supposed to be resting." Aveline said as she opened my door.

"I can't rest. Too worried." I said continuing to pace.

"Hawke, he's a grown man. He can take care of himself." She sighed. "He doesn't have to be at your side all the time, you know." She crossed her arms and leaned against the doorframe.

"I know. It's just…well, things were bad when he left. He's mad and I don't know if he'll come back. And I have to make this right. I won't lose another friendship because I can't control my damned emotions anymore." I complained and sank down on the bed.

"What?" She asked watching me with a confused look.

"First with Sebastian. And now with Fenris."

"What are you talking about? How is Sebastian going crazy your fault?" She asked moving to come and sit next to me.

"If I had resisted my crush of him, I wouldn't have let him move in. If he hadn't moved in, he wouldn't have felt so guilty about breaking his vows. Maybe he wouldn't have felt like he had to make me into a different person."

"Do not even go there, Hawke. What he did is his fault. He chose to have the potions made and use them. He chose to try and remold you. You are not to blame for his actions."

"But he wasn't always like that. He was a good man when we first met." I protested. I wanted to believe it. I needed to believe it. It would be better if I could hold onto that thought. Otherwise it would mean Sebastian was evil and twisted and that was too painful to think about.

"Still." Aveline said sharply.

"I don't want to fight about it. I don't want to think about him." I said and shook my head.

"Why did Fenris run this time?" She asked.

"I kissed him." I said and bit my lip.

"You kissed him?" She asked looking at me shocked. "Why would you do that?"

I laughed. Despite how painful the whole thing was, Aveline was priceless and wonderfully clueless Aveline. "Um, I would think as a married woman, you would know why you kiss a man."

She frowned at me. "You know what I meant. Why would you kiss him? It's Fenris. The man would as soon rip someone's heart out as to be touched. I know he's been taking care of you, but why on Thedas would you think you should kiss him?"

"Because it's Fenris. The man who's been taking care of me. The man who's been beside me. The man who fought Sebastian to protect me. I've gotten to know him since we found out I was pregnant. He's not always so angry and cold. There is a wonderful, kind, and funny man under that gruff exterior. I knew my feelings for him were wrong. I knew he was here out of guilt, but that didn't make them stop. I've managed to keep them under control until this morning."

"What happened?" Aveline asked.

"I woke up and he was holding me."

"Wait, why was he holding you while you were asleep?"

"Because of the dream or memory I had. I asked him to stay with me after. I know, I was asking for trouble, but I feel safer when he's near. This feeling weak and wanting a protector is disturbing. I've never been one of those girls who wanted a strong man to take care of her. But he makes me feel safe and taken care of. And…part of me likes it." I said and looked at her out of the corner of my eye.

"I…can understand that. Donnic makes me feel the same." She then frowned at me. "That ever gets out, and I will kill you."

"Same here." I smiled at her.

"So you kissed him?" She asked. I nodded miserably and hung my head.

"I did. It was good at first. He was kissing me back and then he was gone. He was standing at the foot of the bed with a wild look in his eyes. The same one he gets when he's fixing to run. I tried to apologize. I didn't want him to run and hate me. I needed to tell him I wouldn't do it again. That I would control myself, but he just left saying he needed some air. I think I hate that sentence most in the world." I sighed and stood up. I resumed pacing. "And now he's going to avoid me. Not that I blame him. I'm messed up. I'm so pathetic that even knowing he was only here out of guilt, I still let myself fall for him. I still had to go and kiss him."

"Hawke, don't say you're pathetic. This has been rough on you. You needed comfort." Aveline said watching me as I paced.

"It wasn't just comfort I needed. It was him. When Sebastian first moved in, I thought he was what I wanted. But as we started spending time together I realized we didn't even know each other. Then there was Fenris. He was the only one still coming around. He came to see me daily. I got to know him. He's…" I trailed off and looked out my window for a moment. "Words can't describe him or how he makes me feel. This didn't happen in a moment. It built over all these months. And then there he was, holding me as I was crying. All he'd done for me, all he'd done for Lea…" I took a shaky breath. "And now I've ruined that friendship we built. All because I couldn't stop my feelings."

"Hawke, if we could chose our feelings it would be so much easier. But we can't." She said and stood up.

"Thank you for that. And for not judging me for being an idiot. Or at least not saying it out loud."

"I think if you could keep from calling me that while I tried to court Donnic, then this would be easy." She smiled at me.

"You weren't an idiot. You were in love. And it worked out in the end." I turned and leaned against the window frame as I watched her.

"I wish I could say yours would as well, but Fenris is a tricky character."

"I have no illusions about how he feels. If he returns, I'll beg his forgiveness and deal with my feelings myself."

"He'll come back. He always does."

"I hope so." I sighed. "Aveline?" I called as she started for the door. "Thank you for sticking by me all these years. Even when you didn't like some of my choices."

She smiled at me. "That's what family's for, Hawke."


	33. Chapter 33

**Author's note: Sorry guys. This chapter turned into a big one.**

**Fenris**

We hadn't taken two steps into the main hall before Aveline appeared on the second floor balcony. "Donnic? You're back so soon. Did you…What in the Maker's name have you done, Fenris?" Aveline demanded as her eyes landed on me by his side. "Please tell me there's not a body that needs to be gotten rid of. I can't make Sebastian just disappear, you know." She said frowning at me.

"Fenris?" Lila called and appeared beside Aveline.

"You're supposed to be in bed." I said hoping to keep from having to do any talking tonight. I should have known that wasn't going to work. Donnic was giving me a smug 'I told you so' look.

"And you aren't supposed to look like you got in a fight." She said frowning at me. I could see she was trying to look angry, but worry was written all over her face.

"You should see the other guy." I smirked at her. "And yes, he's still alive. Unfortunately." I said and cut my eyes over to Donnic.

"Varric." Lila and Aveline said at the same time, similar angry expressions on their face. It was interesting to see that people who weren't blood related could become so similar. Those two really were family.

Donnic sighed and gave his wife a rueful smile. "You were right. Varric gave him the letter. But in Fenris' defense, Sebastian did attack him first."

"Are you alright?" Lila asked concern pushing through her anger.

"I'm fine." I nodded. She turned back towards her room as Lea began to fuss.

"Are you staying?" She asked glancing back at me. I nodded to her. "Then come up here. I'll tend your wounds after I've changed her."

"I can handle it." I said quickly. I wanted to avoid having the talk as long as I could. Donnic and Aveline gave me a hard look as Lila looked down sadly and nodded. She turned and disappeared into her room.

Aveline stomped down the stairs and jerked me towards her. "Easy with him, love. His foot's broke." Donnic warned as I managed to just keep my cringe back.

Aveline glanced down at my foot, but didn't loosen her hold on me. "You are not going to be angry with her, do you understand me? She cares about you and didn't mean for it to happen. She been through enough without worrying about losing you as well. She thinks she's to blame for Sebastian going crazy. And then you bolt on her. If you don't feel the same for her, tell her. Leave if you must, just tell her that you are. Don't leave her wondering if you're coming back or not."

"I'm not angry with her." I said feeling a slight heat in my cheeks. Lila had told Aveline. This was just perfect. "And I don't plan on leaving her. I just needed some time."

"I'm betting you weren't supposed to tell him that she talked to you." Donnic said and motioned up to Lila who was standing at the rail holding Lea. She looked horrified.

"Lila…I…" Aveline looked up at her worriedly. Donnic laid a hand on her shoulder, keeping her from going up.

"It's alright I suppose. I mean it's not like it's a secret, right?" Lila said with a half laugh that sounded more pained than her normal ones. Lila wouldn't meet my eyes and looked down at Lea instead.

"I think we should give them some privacy." Donnic said pulling her back towards him. "Do we need to stay the night?" He asked looking over at me.

Lila spoke up before I could. "There is no need for anyone to stay the night if they don't wish. As you can all see, I'm up and about. I can manage. Thank you all for your concern." Lila then turned and disappeared into her room, closing the door behind her.

"This is why I shouldn't be told anything personal! Stuff just comes out. I didn't even realize I had told him anything until it was too late. I can't do this romance stuff. Even when it isn't ours." Aveline said looking miserable. Donnic kissed her temple.

"It'll be fine. Lila will forgive you. Eventually." He said and gave me a look before taking her home.

I hesitated in the main hall. Could she really have feelings for me? Or was it just what they supposed? Was I supposed to go up there and talk with her? Or did I run to my room and pretend this had never happened? I knew Lila well enough to know if she wanted to talk about it, there would be no place safe to hide from her. But I could spare us this for as long as possible. I made my way slowly up the stairs, trying to decide. Continue past her door, or get this out of the way.

"Sometimes you have to turn and face the damned tiger." I grumbled and knocked on her door lightly. When I didn't get a response I opened it slowly. Giving her time to order me away. "Lila?"

She had her back to the door as she leaned over Lea's crib. She sighed heavily. "So are we pretending or talking?" She asked without looking at me.

"I…suppose that's up to you." I said hesitantly. I wanted to say pretend, but she looked so defeated right now. There was an air about her that I hadn't seen since her mother had died.

"Have a seat. I'll get water and clean up your wounds." She said and started away from the crib, but Lea began to fuss again. Lila sighed and picked her up. "Little one, I think you are just being difficult now." She whispered to her. She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye as I slowly sat down on the chair. "Do you want to hold her?"

"I should get cleaned up first." I said and stood up.

I moved over to her vanity and removed my gauntlets. They would need to be cleaned, but I could deal with that later. I rather liked the reminder than I had gotten a piece of Sebastian tonight. Not the piece I most wanted, but a piece none the less. I should have added my lyrium to it. Then it would have permanently scared him. I could just hope that Erin wasn't as good a healer as Anders was. Maybe one would leave a scar.

I quickly washed the blood and grim off my hands and face, cringing at the bruises on both. I looked a mess. I turned back, holding the bowl to dispose of the dirty water.

"I'll take that. Your foot's hurt. Sit down or lay down." She ordered. I sat the bowl down and moved to the chair. She wasn't in a mood to be argued with and the pain in my foot was beginning to turn from a dull and steady ache to a burning throb. I needed to reset the bones before I took another potion.

She handed me Lea and then set about disposing of the water and refilling it. I watched her as she moved around the room. She gathered supplies she hadn't needed in a while, bringing potions, linens and new water to the table beside me. She then knelt at my feet. I had a moment of panic at this. It felt too familiar, but reversed.

"Lila, I can tend my own wounds." I protested. She looked up at me, hurt clear in her eyes.

"You don't want me to touch you." She stated quietly. She swallowed hard and nodded. She stayed there at my feet. Her hands clasped in her lap, her head bowed. "I'm sorry, Fenris."

"I understand. It was just a moment. You needed comfort. I was there." I said looking down at Lea as she drifted back to sleep.

"Maker, but it would be easier to let it go at that. To let you think that. But I won't lie to you, Fenris. It wasn't a moment. Well, it was a moment of weakness, but it didn't happen because I needed comfort." I looked over at her as she raised her eyes to me. "I promise that I won't do it again. I'll respect your feelings on the matter, but I can't let you think that it was just a moment for me." She stood up and moved to look out the window. "I care about you. I've told myself it was foolish. You're only here out of guilt. I've managed to keep my feelings to myself until this morning. I'm sorry that I kissed you. Not because I did, but because I've ruined our friendship. I never wanted to upset you. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable. You've been so good to me, and I repay your kindness with making you angry." She turned back to me. "I meant it earlier when I said you didn't have to stay. Truth be told, I don't want you to stay."

I looked at her stunned. How could she say all of that and then say she wanted me to leave? "You…want me to leave?" I asked. Of course she did. Me being around was making things hard for her. She realized these feelings she had for me were just because I was a replacement for Sebastian. I didn't want that either. I stood up and moved to the crib. I gently placed Lea in it and lightly touched her head. "Goodbye, little one." I whispered before turning back to Lila. She was watching me with wounded eyes. "Then I will leave." I nodded to her. I would stick close to keep watch for Sebastian, but I would give her the space she wanted.

"I don't want you to leave." She whispered. I turned and looked at her.

"Lila, you can't want me to leave and stay." I frowned at her.

She closed her eyes and laughed a sad laugh. "I'm a woman, Fenris. I can." She looked at me then. "I don't want you to stay out of guilt. I want you to stay because you want to be here. Not because you think you need to protect us. Not because you feel responsible or that you owe me anything."

"Lila, I do owe you. For everything."

She shook her head. "I've helped you all this time because we were friends, not as a favor or a job or anything other than friendship. And you have saved my life countless times. You saved Lea as well. If anyone owes the other, it's me owing you."

"Lila, don't do this." I said as she moved closer to me. "You just feel weak and confused right now. I'm here when you needed someone. You would have had feelings for whoever was doing as I have. It's not real."

She narrowed her eyes at me and I was reminded of the fact that beautiful, delicate looking Lila was also a fearsome fighter. "Do not tell me how I feel!" She hissed as she moved closer still. Her stalk wasn't as forceful as it once was, but I had little doubt she would recover from Lea and be back to her old self before too long. "I've had enough of people telling me how to feel and think my entire life. I know what I feel for you."

"Lila, this is just because…" I started and held my hands out when she stopped in front of me.

"Don't, Fenris. This isn't just because you're here. This isn't just because you've been taking care of me, of us. It's because of you, damn it!"

"I'm supposed to believe that suddenly you have feelings for me? After all we've been through, Lila, this is just a bit of…well…hero worship." I said and took a step back from her.

"Do you care about me?" She demanded. I wanted to deny it. I wanted to run, but I couldn't.

I hung my head. "I do care about you. Please don't make this worse. I can't do this." I said feeling like the world was falling apart all over again.

What was I going to do now? I was going to lose her and Lea. As soon as she realized she didn't really have feelings for me, I would be left in the cold. Or worse, she would stick close to me out of pity and guilt.

I started for the door, but she caught my arm. I whirled on instinct and pulled her back over my arm, opening her chest preparing the way for me as I began to glow. I froze with my hand held up ready to rip out her heart. I pulled her upright and released the lyrium.

"I'm sorry. It's just…" I didn't get to finish the rest of the sentence because she kissed me. All thoughts of argument and fleeing were shoved aside as she pressed against me. I wrapped my arms around her for a second before pulling her back. "You said you wouldn't do that again."

"Quickest way to stop an argument." She said and gave me a teasing smile that never fully reached her eyes. She hesitantly reached up to push my hair back from my face. "Fenris, I don't want you to leave, but I don't want you here out of guilt. I do really have feelings for you. I get that you don't want anything like this from me. I'll respect that. Void, I understand it. I come with baggage. Lots of it." She said ruefully as she glanced at the crib. "But you need to know that I do care for you. You asked if you were supposed to believe me? Well, read the journal. I don't know what I wrote in my madness, but I do know what I wrote the rest of the time. After you've read it, we can discuss this again if you want. Know this, I would rather have you in my life as a friend, than be without you. So when and if you're ready to discuss feelings and kissing again, speak to me. If not, we'll pretend none of this ever happened." She then stepped back from me. "Can I now tend your wounds or are you leaving?"

I didn't know what to say to any of this. So instead of speaking I moved over to the chair and sat down. She was true to her word and remained silent. She knelt at my feet again and gently cleaned it. She looked up at me and bit her lip.

"This is going to hurt." She whispered before she realigned it. I grunted as she did and then quickly drank the potion. The throb dulled to an ache. She continued to watch me waiting for a response. I reached out and lightly touched her hair.

"Thank you."

She closed her eyes and nodded. "Anytime, Fenris. Well, hopefully there won't be another time, but you know what I mean." She gave me a tired smile then. "Can I ask why you fought with him?"

"He started it. I just finished it." I shrugged. "He was a little angry about the letter seems. He's decided that I've put you up to it."

She sighed. "And that is exactly why I didn't want you to give him the letter. I'm sorry you've been drug into this mess."

"This isn't your fault, you know." I said remembering Aveline's words.

"Yes it is. Nothing any of you say can change this. I met him, brought him into the group. I'm the one who gave into the crush. I'm the one who let him move in. I'm the one who keeps destroying everyone's life close to me." She looked up at me and shook her head. "You should probably run while you can."

"Lila, none of this is your fault. He chose his actions. I know you like to take all the blame for everything, but the world doesn't revolve around you. Sometimes people need to be responsible for themselves." I stood up slowly and offered her my hand. She hesitantly took it and let me pull her to her feet. "Besides, I'm not running anywhere. I can handle whatever mess you manage to drag us into next." I smiled at her to soften the way the words sounded.

She watched me for a moment before slowly nodding. "I suppose when you put it that way, I do sound a little self centered."

"Just a little?" I teased.

"Hey, you are the one who said I was hero worshiping you." She said giving me a teasing look. I cleared my throat and looked away from her.

"Point taken."

"And made." She laughed, a full laugh then. "Thank you, Fenris. And if I was going to have a hero, it would probably be you. Not that I would fall at your feet and worship you, mind you."

"Good. That would be awkward." I moved to the door and looked back at her. "You should get some rest now. I'll be here if you need me."

"Night, Fenris." She nodded to me as I left the room.

I walked slowly to my room. I had grabbed her journal when I had been at my house earlier. I knew I would come back here eventually. I wanted to return it to her. But now she had given me permission to read it. It had been taunting me these couple of months now. Anders words about it mentioning me in it had tormented me. But I had refused to give into it. I would respect her privacy. That was why I had hidden it at my house. The farther from temptation I was, the better. But now she had told me to read it.

I sat down on my bed and pulled it from my pack. My hands itched to open it, but I wasn't so sure I was ready for it. I sat it on the bedside table and stared at it. But that left it too close.

So I got up and moved it to a bookshelf. That wasn't good either. It was staring at me. Taunting me with it's green cover, begging me to read it. I cursed at it as I picked it back up. I stuffed it into the bottom of my chest, piling clothes and odds and ends onto it.

I forced myself to lay down. I attempted to sleep, but it wouldn't come. I sighed and dug out the book again. I laid it on the bed and looked at it. Maybe just a little bit would be alright. A page or two a night or so. I could handle that, right?

I opened the book and held in my growl. I flipped through the first little bit as it talked about her 'dreams' of Sebastian coming to her at night. Her worry that she was possessed. Then her finding out she was pregnant. I paused as my name caught my eye.

**_'I feel horrible. Fenris ran again. I wish I had lied and said there was someone else. I don't want him to blame himself. It's not his fault. I could have asked for more help. I could have chased him instead of trying to finish off the group. He has enough problems without adding mine. Not that I think the baby is a problem. Despite how it's come to be, I'm happy. I never thought I would want a child. I've been too busy to even consider it, but now that I'm pregnant, it feels right. I won't be alone anymore. Maybe this time I can get it right. I pray I'll be strong enough to keep it safe.'_**

My heart hurt at the fact she had been worried about me. Thinking she had been impregnated by slavers, and she had been worried about me. I flipped through the pages again as they began speaking of Sebastian moving in. Even though she spoke of him fondly in the beginning she still had doubts about him. She spoke of waking up and feeling like someone had been next to her during the night. She said the dreams hadn't completely stopped either. Then she stopped talking of Sebastian so much and started talking more about me.

_**'Fenris came and spent the day with me. He walked with me through the gardens for a while. He still thinks he's to blame, but I hope that maybe he'll realize this isn't a bad thing. I know he's here out of guilt, but I'm so glad he is here. I miss the others, but they've stopped coming around. I hope that maybe this will give me a chance to actually get to know Fenris. All this time together and I know as much about him today as I did the day I met him. I used to be a little afraid of him. No, afraid isn't the right word. Intimidated? I don't like using that word either though. He said that's what Danarius used him for. But he's so intense and angry. Well, he was. Now he just seems a little uncomfortable. Maybe we can change that in time.'**_

_**'Fenris actually laughed today. Not that nervous chuckle he covers with a cough, but a full deep laugh. It was a beautiful sound.'**_

_**'Fenris told me about his escape today. He said it was the anniversary of it. I've never seen him so open before. I wanted to pepper him with questions, but decided it was probably best to let him speak as he will. I don't want to him to stop talking.'**_

_**'Fenris isn't at all like he portrays himself as. He's not just a beautiful and angry man. There is a sweet side to him. Sometimes he gets this look in his eyes as he speaks of something and there is a youthful quality to him. A happy light to his face. When I see it I want to cry because it is so fleeting. And then I want to find the bastard who stole all of this from him and make him pay.'**_

_**'Fenris seems to be relaxing his guard a little around me. I'm learning more about him. He's even making jokes and teasing me now. Today he actually touched me. I don't think he's ever done that before. Is it wrong that I look forward to the morning because I know he'll return? I'm living with Sebastian who is speaking of our future together, but I find myself wishing he would leave me alone instead. We don't get along. We fight about everything now. He belittles my opinion and tells me how I'm supposed to feel and think. He's not the man I thought he was either. Sometimes there seems something off with him. I feel guilty even thinking it. He's been so good to try and take care of me. But we disagree on this as well.'**_

_**'Maker help me, but I'm comparing them. It's horrible and wrong, but I am. I try not to, but I do anyway. Fenris will do or say something and I'll think Sebastian would have had my head rather than just the funny comment Fenris has made to change the subject. Or Sebastian will throw a fit about something I've done and yell at me. Or worse get that patronizing tone, and I'll think about how Fenris would have handled it different. It's not fair to either of them. Fenris isn't living here and dealing with my moods on a daily basis. Sebastian is. But still it's hard not to compare.'**_

_**'Little one is so active lately. More so when Fenris is around. Seems the baby likes his voice as much as I do.'**_

_**'Sebastian has left for Starkhaven for a while. I can't help but be thrilled. Things have gotten too tense between us. I told him it was over, but he won't take the hint. Maybe the time apart will show him how wrong we are for each other. The best part is, Fenris is staying with me. I know it's horrible to have feelings for him. He's**_ _**Sebastian's friend. He's been a good friend to me during all of this. He's only here out of guilt, but I can't seem to stop. He was so sweet about my quirks earlier. I knew he must have been uncomfortable with me insisting he feel the baby kick and talk to it, but I wanted him to realize that she wasn't something to feel guilty about. She was something to treasure and cherish. His face was absolutely breathtaking when he had felt her moving. As much as Sebastian has been excited about the baby, he's never had that simple joy about her. And there I go comparing again. I'm hopeless.'**_

_**'Fenris has started reading to us in the evenings after the others leave. I find myself wishing they would leave sooner. I like the quiet evenings with just him. I know Sebastian will be back soon. I'm dreading it. I'm going to have to tell him to leave. I never wanted to hurt our friendship, but there is no chance for us. There hasn't been all along, but my feelings for Fenris have proven that to let it go on any longer isn't an option. Not that I'm stupid enough to believe Fenris would ever care about me as I do him, but I can't stay with Sebastian simply because I don't want to hurt him. It's time for all of us to move on with our own lives. That pains me to no end to think it. Fenris will return to his as well. So I will treasure the moments I have left with him and not dwell on the inevitable.'**_

The entries after that were when she was slipping into madness, but even in those she spoke of me. Wishing I would come around again. Claiming she thought she had felt me in the house, but I wasn't there when she called for me.

I laid back on the bed, clutching the journal to me. The sun was just beginning to rise. Luckily for me the others would be here soon. I needed time to think this all through. And time to rest though I wasn't sure I would manage it as thoughts of what I'd read filled my head.

She had spoken of me throughout the journal. Talking about our long talks. Our slow build of friendship. I didn't like that she had been afraid of me, not that I blamed her. I was rather intimidating and normally I did get angry with her. Not her exactly, but she was safe to take the anger out on. That didn't speak well of me, but maybe now that I could admit it, I could change it.

I was who she had wanted when she had been falling into the madness. The one she thought would bring her out of it. She trusted and believed in me. She worried about me. Was this what love was?

I wasn't ready to discuss this with her yet. I wanted to read the journal again and think it through. I had faith now though that I wasn't just a replacement for Sebastian. I had replaced him long before either of us had realized it.


	34. Chapter 34

**Hawke**

It had been just over three months since Lea had been born. She was growing daily it seemed. Changing so much. She was so active. And again, more so when Fenris was around. Seemed my darling girl was a bit in love with the handsome man. Waving her arms and smiling at him.

We were out in the garden, laying on a blanket in the sun. The days were getting warmer as summer rolled out. Before much longer it would be too hot to do this, but now it was perfect. Lea was propped up against me as I laid behind her watching her and Fenris.

Fenris sat lounged in front of us, occasionally reading one of the stories Varric had for Lea, but right now the two of them were playing with the stuffed kitten that Anders had given her. Lea was watching him intently as he crept the toy closer to her, quietly talking to her. He was the only one of us who refused to use a silly voice to talk to her. And maybe he had the right idea since she seemed to love him so much.

I wasn't so sure I liked what he was saying to her right now, as he spoke of the jungle cats of Seheron stalking their prey. "And then it would creep closer until it was almost on you, and then…" He moved the toy forward and gently ran it along the side of her face and neck. "It would get you." He said quickly.

I was going to lecture him about the proper things to tell a baby, but the most wondrous thing happened. Lea laughed. We looked up at each other in amazement.

"Did she just laugh?" He asked sounding as excited as I felt.

"Do it again." I ordered and shifted so I could look at her as he crept the kitten to her again. And again as soon as he touched her she giggled. I thought my heart would explode. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. Fenris abandoned the kitten to cuddle her close. He lightly ran his finger down her face and neck.

"Come on, little one. Laugh for us again." He encouraged. And she did. He looked at me with a bright smile.

They stole my breath away. My beautiful baby and my handsome…friend. I shoved aside the painful thought of that. We hadn't spoken of that night since it happened. I wasn't sure if he had read the journal or not. He was as attentive and sweet as ever, but the waiting was getting old. I wished he would just say this was all there was ever going to be. For the most part, I was content with that. But then times like this it was harder. He was basically Lea's other parent right now. Sharing all the milestones with us. It was hard to remember he wasn't.

"I think she's getting tired." He said watching me as he handed her back to me.

"Probably is." I said looking down at her. I cuddled her close and nuzzled into her neck and was rewarded with a laugh of my own. "It's going to be hard to put her down when she will make that noise for me." I said looking over at him.

He moved to sit behind me and shifted me so he was supporting us. He moved my hair to one shoulder as he leaned over the other and watched Lea. This was different.

"I've been thinking that maybe it's time for us to start working on your fighting." Fenris said as his hand idly ran through my hair before settling around my waist.

"My fighting?" I asked trying to remember how to breath. Lea was drifting to sleep. Between cradling her close and Fenris wrapped around me, I was filled with a peace that I hadn't felt in so long. It was hard to concentrate on speaking.

"Yes. It has been a long time since you've held a blade. Lea is sleeping more now. You are stronger. I think it would be wise to work on regaining your strength and speed." He said shifting so he was looking at me rather than Lea. "Unless you don't wish to work on it. We might could talk Aveline or Isabela into it if you don't want to work with me." He said hesitantly.

"No, it's not that. I just hadn't even thought about it. It's been so peaceful and all, but you're right. This won't last forever. Someday I'll need to pick up my blades again."

"Lila, I'm not going anywhere. If you want to never pick them up again, that is fine. I was just thinking it might be nice to spar a bit. I've always wanted to spar with you, I just never thought it was right to ask it of you."

"Really? I would have loved to work with you. I know you can't give me your abilities, but some of your moves would be nice to learn. You're so quick with that heavy sword." I said smiling at him. I liked the idea more than a little. "Thank you, Fenris."

"Don't thank me for something I'm going to get to enjoy." He said and gave me a slight smile. "Maybe we could start tonight?" He asked watching me intently. I wasn't sure what this was about, but I was willing to follow his lead.

"That sounds good. I'll let Orana bathe Lea tonight. That will give us more time while I'm still awake enough to pay attention."

"Good. I took the liberty of having practice blades made for us. I hoped you would want to do this." He looked down at Lea. "We should probably take her in now. Do you want me to put her down?"

I sighed and glanced down at her. I wasn't ready to move from this spot yet. I didn't want to move away from them yet.

"Am I interrupting?" Varric asked watching us from the doorway with Bethany.

"Is it that late already?" Fenris asked. I expected him to shift away from us quickly, or at least move his hand off of my waist, but he didn't. When I started to shift, his hand tightened on me, holding me in place.

"Yep. You still wanted to go, right?" Varric asked him.

"Go where?" I asked.

"We're going to take care of a few jobs for some people." Varric answered.

"As if that didn't sound ominous and vague." I muttered and looked over at Fenris.

"It's nothing to worry about. I'll be home tonight." He said. I'm pretty sure my heart must have stopped in that moment. Or maybe my hearing. Had Fenris just said my home was home?

"That's fine. You don't have to worry about me so much. Seems Sebastian listened to the letter. I've not heard from or seen him since then." I said trying to be casual about it. I had seen Varric and Bethany had noticed Fenris' comment as well. I didn't want to draw more attention to it. Fenris tended to get…prickly when he was uncomfortable.

"Well, rumors are that the prince has his hands full in Starkhaven. All these thugs keep trying to take over there." Varric smiled.

"What did you do?" I asked worried and more than a little relieved. I didn't like to think of him having problems, but I did like knowing that he was far away from me. I would sleep better tonight.

"Me? Now why do you all assume I have any pull with the thugs of the Free Marches? I've just heard rumors. Seems with the Coterie holding their ground here, that the others discovered Starkhaven was a wonderful playground for them. They're each trying to set themselves up as the Coterie have here. The prince was needed to sort out the guards and such as the nobles began demanding attention to stop the problems. Could be months before he's got the situation under control again." Varric shrugged casually.

"How many favors did you have to call in?" I asked.

He smiled at me. "Don't you worry about a thing, Hawke. I've got your back."

I handed Lea over to Fenris and moved to Varric. I knew as much as he claimed he didn't like emotional displays, the man was a giant softie. I wrapped him in a tight hug. "You know I love you, right?" I whispered. Varric was family. A big brother who looked out for me all these years.

"Yeah, well, back at you, beautiful." He said and then pulled away clearing his throat. "So we gonna do this or not?"

"Just let me put her to bed and grab my gear." Fenris nodded.

"I can put her down." I said as he moved close.

Fenris smiled at me and shook his head. "I want to."

The men left shortly after that. I wasn't sure that I liked them doing stuff without me. I knew they were more than able to handle themselves, but I missed it. I never thought I would miss going out and solving problems. Or as Fenris liked to say, creating new ones. I hadn't missed the look Bethany was wearing. I moved us to the study, taking the special ruin Sandal had made for me so I could hear when Lea woke up. I wanted the comfortable chairs for what looked to be a long interrogation.

"Well?" She asked looking at me expectantly.

"Well what?" I asked her as I sat down in one of the large chairs in there.

"What's going on with you and Fenris?"

"What do you mean?" I dodged. I didn't know what was going on. He had lingered when he said goodbye. He had lightly touched my hand and then left.

"Don't give me that, Lila. I saw the way he was holding you. I've seen the way he watches you." Bethany said frowning at me.

I sighed. "I don't know what that is all about. It's new. I mean since we kissed he's not acted as anything was different and then today…" I trailed off at Bethany's gasp.

"You kissed him?" She practically shrieked. She bounced a bit in her chair. "When?"

"Um…about three months ago." I said feeling my cheeks heat up. I hadn't spoke of it to anyone other than Aveline. I didn't want to make Fenris more uncomfortable.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She demanded.

"There wasn't anything to tell. We kissed, he ran. We talked. That was it."

"What did he say?"

"He said he couldn't do this. He didn't believe that I really cared about him. He said it was just a bit of hero worship." I rolled my eyes as she laughed.

"Hero worship? I can understand that, but seriously, can't he see the way you are about him?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked frowning at her.

"Really? You're going to play dumb?" She asked arching her brow. "All the 'don't go far'. Or the watching him as if he was the best things since caramel."

"Ooo. Now I want caramel." I said hoping to distract her. No such luck.

"Lila, I'm serious. What's going on? He just called this place home."

I sighed. "I don't know. I told him to read my journal if he didn't believe how I felt. I don't know if he has or not. I told him we would pretend nothing had happened until and if he was ready to. All that earlier…well, that's new." I shrugged.

"Are you alright with all this?"

"I'm fine."

"You know you can tell me the truth, right? I'm not a kid anymore. I can handle it." She said reaching out for my hand.

"I know. And I am fine. We have a good thing going. Lea loves him. And he seems to love her too. Oh! You won't believe what she did earlier. She laughed! A full giggle. It was so sweet."

"Oh! I missed her first laugh." Bethany said frowning.

"Don't worry, she'll be up in a bit and she'll giggle more." I patted her hand. It was hard not having her here all the time, but I was so grateful she got to be here as much as she did. "Now let's go and find caramel and you can tell me all about the man who's taking some of your time from me."

"How did you know about him?" Bethany blushed.

I smirked at her. "I didn't for sure. But now I do. So tell me about him." I laughed at her angry look before she sighed and gave in.

"His name's Keran. He's a templar recruit." She started as we went to the kitchen.

"Keran? Blond hair, blue eyes?" I asked. I had rescued the poor boy from blood mages several years ago. I had liked the guy, but he had seemed to have a negative opinion of mages after his experience.

"You know him?" She asked.

"We've met." I answered with a nod. I didn't want to worry her with the details, but I was going to have to do some digging. Maybe some of Anders contacts could ferret out if the man could be trusted with my sister. I spent the rest of our time together listening to her talk of their growing relationship. Well, until Lea got up, then we spent the rest of the time trying to keep her giggling.


	35. Chapter 35

**Fenris**

"So that looked pretty cozy back there." Varric said cutting his eyes to me with a sly look.

I didn't bother to turn to him as we made our way down the Wounded Coast. Part of me was glad Lila wasn't with us, but the other part of me missed having her near. She was especially found of the beaches here for some reason. But I liked the fact she was safe from the danger she so willingly threw herself into.

"I don't know what you mean." I answered keeping an eye out for the slaver hideout.

The Coterie wanted us to clear out a rival who had turned to slave trade. Varric had called in favors with them to keep Lila safe during all of this. There were men watching her house for signs of Sebastian, and they had been willing to send rivals to Starkhaven rather than kill them. In exchange Varric had agreed that we companions would do odd jobs for them occasionally.

"That little scene in the garden. Lila with Lea, leaned back against you. You holding Lila, looking at her with those loving puppy eyes." Varric pressed.

"There are no puppy eyes!" I protested, but by now this was just an old routine for us. As loathe as I was to admit it, there were puppy eyes.

"Right, and it was my imagination that you were holding Lila and said you would be home later."

Damn him for being so observant. I had meant it, but I hadn't meant for it to come out like that. Lila and Lea were home. Not the estate, hers or mine, but them. I had resisted her as long as I could. I had read the journal so much that the binding was creased and loosened. I had watched her these last three months, trying to figure out what to do about our situation.

She had been true to her word. Never mentioning that night or feelings again. She had been her normal self. Well, a slightly less grumpy version of pregnant her. She was still slightly more grumpy than before she had been pregnant. Lea didn't sleep much at all at first, but she was up to four, sometimes five hours at a time now.

"I am living there." I finally said as he wasn't going to let it go.

"Just living there, or _living_ there?" He asked.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I stopped and turned to him.

"Are you and Lila?" He waved his hands waiting for me to fill in the blank.

"Are we what?" I narrowed my eyes at him as he smirked.

"Are you two playing house?"

"We aren't playing anything."

"You know what I mean." He pressed.

"I seldom know what you mean." I then motioned to a cave. "There."

"Don't think we are done with this discussion." He said as he drew Bianca from his back.

"I know better than to think you are ever done with any discussion." I said and moved into the cave ahead of him. I knew he was going to continue to pester me, but I hadn't worked this out with Lila yet. At least the slavers were going to provide a distraction for a while.

The slavers weren't hard to handle and before long we were trudging through the warm day that was giving way to evening back to Kirkwall. I had managed to dodge more questions from Varric, but I could tell it would only last so long. I was going to have to talk to Lila. I had hoped to take my time with this, but if everyone was going to get involved, I had no hope of doing things the way I wanted.

I spotted Anso in the shadows when we neared the house. I glanced to make sure Varric hadn't seen him. "I have to get some things from my house. Tell Lila I'll be there shortly." I said quickly.

"What sort of things?" Varric asked narrowing his eyes at me.

"I had practice blades made for us. I'm going to start helping her get back into fighting shape." It was the truth. I had stored the blades there. I wasn't sure if Lila would want to do this or not, and I had been a bit embarrassed about my plans. What if she didn't want to fight again? What if she didn't want to spar with me? But she had alleviated all of that worry with a sweet smile earlier.

"Okay." Varric said slowly. I could tell I hadn't completely thrown him, but he was willing to let it go for now. That was good. I wasn't going to discuss what I had been up to with anyone. Maybe someday, but not yet.

I waited until Varric had entered the estate before I started off for mine, Anso moved out of the shadows and walked with me. "Well?" I asked.

"She wasn't working for the magister anymore, but I did track her down. She's a tailor now. Works in a small shop in Marothius. We couldn't find any connection to Danarius. My contacts gave her your letter. She sent one back for you." He said and held out a letter for me.

"So she really isn't a slave. She had a brother who was Danarius' slave?" I asked. Could this really be it? Did I really have a link to my missing past?

When Hadriana had first said I had a sister, I had wrote it off. What did it matter if it was true? What was she to me? But Lila hadn't wanted to let it go. I knew how much family meant to her, but what was it to me? But the seed had been planted. A chance to reclaim a piece of me.

I had tentatively started a hunt for her. A name was all I had to go with. It had proven difficult to manage. Ahriman, the man she was supposed to work, for had numerous slaves and servants. With only a first name it had been slow going. I didn't even have a description to give the men. And caution was necessary. I didn't want Danarius getting wind of it. Even if I had no feelings for the girl, I didn't want her in danger because of me.

I took the letter and stared at it. He gave me a nod and took a step back. "She seemed rather surprised and confused, but she said she did have a brother who was a slave for Danarius. Read the letter and let me know what you want me to do. You know how to find me."

"Thank you, Anso." I nodded to him.

I owed the dwarf quite a bit. Not just for this, but he was the whole reason I was getting to return home to the two red headed beauties waiting for me. He nodded and disappeared as I made my way into my old home. I put the letter away in my pouch. I would read it later. I wasn't ready for that yet.

I hurried to gather up the blades. I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't want to be away from my girls anymore.

I entered and followed the voices to the salon. They were all gathered round lounging in the chairs and couches. Isabela had Lea and was cooing to her as Anders leaned over her chair, his hand lightly resting on her shoulder. It was an affectionate sort of posture the two of them had. Similar to Lila and mine earlier. Was something going on with the pirate and the mage?

"And when you get bigger I'll teach you all about the things your mommy won't teach you. Like how to make all the men drool. We'll have them all eating out of the palm of your hand, won't we? Oh, yes we will." Isabela said and earned a giggle from Lea as she lightly touched her nose. Lea waved her little arms around as she giggled.

"I don't think I'm ever going to get tired of that." Isabela sighed.

"Who would have thought that a baby would reduce us all to a bunch of old biddies?" Anders asked with a teasing look at Isabela as he lightly stroked her neck before moving to run his finger down Lea's arm. "Huh, sweetie? Don't need Auntie Bela to teach you a thing. Already have all us men wrapped around your little finger." Lea smiled that ended in a yawn. She then snuggled her head against Isabela's chest.

"And on that note, I think she's wanting mommy." Isabela said handing Lea to Merrill who carried her to Lila.

"I wish she would stay awake longer. I want to play with her more." Merrill sighed as Lila took her.

Lila laughed and shook her head. "You wouldn't be saying that in the middle of the night. Huh, little one? We like being awake when all the rest of the world is sleeping, don't we?"

"Is she still keeping you up all night?" Aveline asked.

"Not all night. She's sleeping more. Thank the Maker for that. And for the fact Fenris is so good with her. Sometimes she just wants held. He's been sweet enough to do that."

"I don't think it's a tough thing on his part. Girl's got the broody elf completely under her spell." Varric laughed.

"From the first moment we touched." I agreed and moved into the room. Lila smiled at me and shifted Lea so she could see me.

"Look who's here." She said to Lea. As I drew closer Lea smiled and then laughed as she waved her tiny hands in the air. It was almost as if she was greeting me as well.

I moved and placed my hands on Lila's shoulders, before leaning over and kissing Lea on the head. "Sorry it took so long. I had to get the blades."

"You want to hold her before she gets too fussy?" Lila offered smiling up at me.

"I'll carry her upstairs for you. Give me a chance to put the blades up anyway."

"Why are you putting them up? I thought we were going to spar?" She asked as she handed me Lea.

"We were, but you look tired. I thought maybe we could try in the morning instead."

"Oh, Fenris, you're so flattering. You really know how to talk to a girl." She said and rolled her eyes at me.

"I didn't mean to imply…" I started, but she patted my arm and shook her head.

"Teasing you." She then smiled at the others. "We'll be back."

"You are a very beautiful woman, Lila. Even when you're tired and grumpy." I said as we went up the stairs.

"I don't think I caught that first part. Care to repeat it?" She asked looking at me out of the corner of her eye, half of her lip curved up in a smirk.

"I don't think I need to repeat the obvious." I smiled at her.

She sighed heavily as we entered the nursery. "Sometimes a girl needs to hear it. Especially after being told something like she looks tired."

I laid Lea down in the crib before turning to Lila. Lila looked at me in question. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. "Well if it's a need, than I shall try and meet it. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

Her eyes widened and a slight flush was in her cheeks. Her eyes then turned teasing as she ducked her head and looked up at me through her long lashes. "That you can remember."

"I doubt that there is a woman in all of Thedas who is as beautiful as you are."

"Well, you haven't met…" I shut her up by pulling her against me and kissing her.

She watched me stunned when we pulled back a bit. "Quickest way to end an argument." I taunted her.

"I…that…" I silenced her again, keeping the kiss softer and gentler. I rested my head against hers as her arms lightly wrapped around my shoulders. "So, um, does this mean you've read the journal?" She asked quietly as she laid her head on my shoulder.

"I have." I answered enjoying the feel of her in my arms.

"And you are staying?"

"As long as you'll have me."

"Out of want or guilt?" She asked and pulled back to look at me.

I slipped a hand into her hair and pulled her head back to mine. "Need." I whispered against her lips before kissing her.

"Well, if it's a need…" She laughed softly before raising up to kiss me again. "This alright?" She asked after a moment.

"More than." I assured her. But then I thought of the others waiting downstairs. They were going to talk. And tease. She seemed to see my hesitation and pulled back from me.

"Sorry, Fenris." She turned to reach for Lea, but I pulled her back to me.

"It's not you, Lila. I care about you and I want this…us. It's just…" I tried to figure out how to explain.

"It's the others?" She asked watching me.

"I know it's foolish, but…"

"You don't want them to know." She finished for me.

"Not yet. This is new. I'm not used to showing so much of myself." I explained after a moment. Lila smiled at me as she cupped my cheek in her hand.

"You're pace, Fenris. Whatever you want."

"You aren't disappointed?" I asked hesitantly.

"You said you were staying. That's enough for me." She nodded to me. She turned to Lea as she began to fuss. "I better feed her before she gets too upset." I moved to her and kissed her again as she held Lea. I reached down and kissed Lea's cheek then.

"Thank you for understanding." I whispered to Lila.

"Anything for you." She smiled at me before moving to the rocking chair. "Orana is going to put Lea to bed after I've fed her. If you want to run the others off, we could spar a bit then. See how rusty I am."

"You sure?" I asked watching her.

"Definitely. I know you won't tell the others how bad I've gotten. And if you are going to be off doing your mysterious jobs with Varric I would feel better, and I'm sure you would, if I was back to my old self. I don't want you to worry about me so much. We're going to be just fine, aren't we, little one?" She looked down at Lea as Lea made a small whine.

"I'll leave you to feed her, and I'll get rid of the others. I know you are both going to be just fine. I will make sure of it." I promised before closing the door behind me.


	36. Chapter 36

**Fenris**

I pinned Lila to the ground as she glared up at me. Three months had flown by. Lea had reached the half year mark now. Lila and I had sparred every spare moment we had. Which now that Lea was sleeping through the night was daily. Lila had improved tremendously, but she still wasn't quite as quick as she used to be.

I leaned over her relishing this chance to be close. She had been true to her word once again to allow things to happen at my pace. So there had been stolen kisses when we found moments alone.

I was berating myself for being a fool about it. What did it really matter what the others thought or said? I only cared about her opinion. But I was starting to wonder if I had taken too long. I was desperate for her, but she seemed perfectly content to continue how things were. Maybe she really didn't want more than what we had.

She used my distraction to her advantage and managed to twist me over. She leaned over me smiling down at me. "Hmm. I think I like this. You at my mercy." She taunted me.

"Don't get used to it." I said and ghosted through her. "You have improved, Lila, but you aren't a match for me."

"Maybe I just let you win so you have to hold me." She said as she rose to her feet and tensed up, ready for my next attack.

We were alone right now. A rarity during the day. Sandal and Bohdan were out in the Market. Anders was busy at the clinic. Varric was busy with the Coterie. Isabela and Merrill had gone along with him this time. Bethany was out with her secret boyfriend who had started switching off with Thrask as her new watcher. Orana was in the nursery sewing while Lea slept.

Flirting was a given as we were alone. I was pleased that she had started it for a change. Maybe she wasn't as fine with the situation as I feared.

"If you want held, all you have to do is ask." I said and shifted slightly, preparing to charge her. Her eyes betrayed her catching my movement, though her body didn't move.

"I'll keep that in mind." She said and tossed her hair back. It was a distraction for me. She was attempting to get the upper hand. She completely distracted me, but I was disciplined enough that if it hadn't effected my fighting all these years, it wasn't going to now.

I leapt at her, but suddenly she wasn't there. I whirled as I felt her behind me. She dropped to the ground, missing my swing by inches, and kicked my feet out from under me. She tackled me as I dropped. Her knees pinned my arms to the ground. She lightly pressed her hand to my throat holding me still.

"I managed to sneak around the all seeing Fenris." She smirked at me.

"Or maybe I just let you win." I taunted her.

"You did not!" She protested.

I ghosted through her and shoved my knee forward between her shoulders, forcing her head back as I stood over her. I wrapped her hair around my wrist before gripping it. I firmly held her in place as I stood with one hand held up ready to finish her if we had really been fighting.

She sighed in irritation. "A normal person wouldn't have been able to get out of the hold like that. How am I supposed to see if I'm improving if you're going to cheat?"

I lowered my hand to stroke her neck just below her ear. "Trust me to tell you the truth. You are improving."

"Hey, baby." She said glancing away towards the second floor.

I looked up thinking that Lea must be up. I had only a moment to register that no one was up there before Lila had managed to reach up and wrap her arms around my neck and flip me over her. I ghosted my hand from her hair so I didn't hurt her as I fell. She quickly pinned me to the ground again, holding my wrist above my head. I allowed her the small victory.

"Distracting a target won't always work." I frowned at her trying to remember why we were sparring. But she was pressed against me and all thoughts were fleeting and hard to hold onto. All I wanted to do was spin us and kiss her.

"Hey, it works just fine for most opponents. Never would have figured it would with you. I now know your weakness."

I arched a brow at her. "And that would be?"

"Lea." She smiled at me before placing a quick and chaste kiss on my lips. "Don't worry. She's mine as well."

I flipped her over and pinned her as she had pinned me. She didn't even struggle this time. "She isn't my only weakness." I whispered watching her as her eyes darkened.

"Oh?" She asked as her breathing hitched.

"You know full well I have no power when it comes to you."

"I would think you have all the power, Fenris." She said quietly. Her words sunk in. I was the one calling all the shots with our relationship. It wasn't right. She had been patient with me. She deserved more. I wanted more. The rest could go to the Void. I was claiming what was so sweetly offered.

"Hmm. You're right. I do. And I think I will use it now." I said smirking at her.

"By all means." She taunted. I shut her up with a kiss. I had only meant it to be a quick kiss, but suddenly heat flared up and took over.

"Lila, I need you." I begged as I nipped at her jaw line.

"If you need something, you only have to ask." She taunted, arching her neck back to give me more access.

"No more games, Lila." I said pulling back to look down at her.

"You were the only one ever playing a game. I have been up front about my feelings." She cupped my face in her hands. "I am yours, Fenris. However. Whenever. Yours."

I crushed her to me and kissed her hard. I pulled her up never breaking the contact of our lips. "Command me to stop and I will." I promised as I pulled her towards the stairs.

"I don't want you to stop." She said and bit her lip. I was puzzled by her sudden nerves. I started when I realized it. Lila still had no clue that she had been with Sebastian. She thought her one and only time had been while she was unconscious trapped with the slavers. In a sense this was her first time.

"Lila, we don't have to do this. We can take our time." I clutched her to me and stroked her hair.

"Didn't I just say I didn't want to stop?" She asked giving me an irritated look.

"I just don't want to rush you."

She laughed then. "Rush me? Fenris, if you went any slower, Lea would be married by the time you finally decided."

I pinned her to the wall and looked at her. "I thought you said you were fine with my pace."

She smiled at me and wrapped her arms around my neck. "I am. I don't want you to be uncomfortable or make you run again."

"I'm not running anywhere without my girls." I said and watched as her eyes softened.

"I think I like the sound of that." She said and tugged me closer to kiss me.

"I think I do too." Said a voice from the doorway startling us both. I whirled, shielding Lila even though I knew the voice. Embarrassment at being caught like this and anger at letting anyone sneak up on us coursing through me. Varric leaned against the doorframe and smirked at us. "Am I interrupting? Though that question seems pointless. I'm definitely interrupting." I pulled away from Lila and snarled at him. He smirked and waved a hand at me. "Now don't stop on my account. I'm enjoying the show."

"I'll give you a show." I snapped at him.

"Fenris." Lila said quietly. I turned back to her hearing the hurt in her voice. She was worried I was angry with her. Damn the dwarf.

I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her to me. I placed a quick kiss on her temple. There was no going back now. I didn't want to go back. I was only angry that Varric had interrupted. Well, I wasn't too happy with his teasing, but I would deal with that. She was worth any amount of discomfort the others gave me.

"I'm not mad at you, Lila. And I'm not leaving. We will finish this later, yes?" I asked looking down at her. She still looked worried but nodded. We heard Lea begin to cry and Lila started to move, but I held her in place. "Orana will bring her to us."

"I'll go and get my niece. I haven't gotten to hold her much with all the others constantly fighting for her." Varric said and started past us. "And it will give you two some time to do whatever it was you were doing. Well, to a certain extent." He laughed as we both glared at him.

We waited until he was out of sight before we turned back to each other. "Still alright?" Lila asked watching me intently. I smiled and kissed her. She lightly placed her hands on my shoulders. "You know we can still pretend it was a moment thing. We can figure out a way to shut him up if you want to."

"They were bound to find out eventually and I'm tired of watching what I do with you. I like the idea of letting everyone know you are off limits. I don't care what they think so long as you are fine with it."

She looked relieved. "Good. I don't want you to watch what you do with me. As a matter of a fact, why don't we send everyone home early? We can let Orana put Lea to bed. We can continue sparring in my room." Her arms wrapped around my neck and pulled me closer.

"Sparring? You want to spar in your…oh, that sort of…right." I cleared my throat and looked away from her. She pulled back.

"Unless I misunderstood what you were implying earlier."

"No. I…you didn't. This is just a little…awkward. I've never done this sort of thing before. It was easier when we were…in the moment."

"Never?" Her eyes widened.

"If there was someone from before, I don't remember them. And since I've been on the run, there has been no one. I didn't stay anywhere long. Who would I trust? I didn't think I wanted or needed anyone like that, until I met you." I cut my eyes back to her, praying I wouldn't see pity. I didn't; I saw something else almost as frightening. I saw love.

"Then we will figure it out together."

"It's not that I don't know what to do, I just haven't…" She shut me up with a kiss.

"I was teasing you. I'm sure we'll manage just fine. If and when you're ready."

"I've not stopped thinking about you since you kissed me. Well, truth be told longer than that, but we don't need to go there." I said ruefully. She laughed and kissed me again.

"You two done being all lovey?" Varric ask appearing in the doorway with Lea. Lea had a grip on his necklace and was gumming it. She twisted her other fist in his chest hair. "Ow! Not the fur Little Hawke!" Varric exclaimed. "Do something!" He said looking at Lila. I smirked at him as he tried to pry her fingers off of him. For being so small, Lea had a death grip. I was fully aware of this. She seemed to love nothing more than pulling hair.

"Just hold still. I'll handle it without loss of hair." Lila soothed him. She then turned to me. "Say something."

"What? She's a baby, Lila. I can't tell her to quit and her understand me." I frowned at her. Lila arched a brow at me with a triumphant smirk as Lea released both the necklace and chest hair. She turned looking for me and squealed as she saw me. Her arms waved frantically as she bounced in Varric's arms.

"See? No loss of hair." Lila said smugly as she took Lea from Varric. Lea squealed in protest. She had gotten so vocal lately. I reached for her, and her squeal turned to a laugh as I took her.

"Huh. Who knew broody worked with baby girls as well as it did women?" Varric laughed as Lea smiled at me with a wide and very wet grin. She promptly placed her fist in her mouth and tried to coo around it.

"I am not broody!" I protested. This was a true statement. I hadn't brooded, well, I hadn't brooded much in the last three months. Lea cooed her agreement and watched me with eyes so like her mother.

"Lea is a sucker for Fenris. Wants him above everyone else." I looked over at Lila worried that she might be angry about this, but she was smiling at Lea fondly. Lea protested my not paying her attention by blowing a raspberry. I turned back to her and she grinned at me, cooing sweetly. Lila sighed. "She's not even a year old and already demanding attention. This doesn't bode well." She moved closer and kissed Lea's cheek noisily. Lea squealed with delight and latched onto Lila's hair keeping her close to us. I wrapped my arm around her as she freed herself from Lea's grasp.

"Now if that don't make a pretty picture I don't know what does. Tell you what, how about I take everyone out drinking tonight? Give the new family time alone."

"Family? No, that's…I mean…" Lila started and looked at me worriedly. I gave her a reassuring smile.

"That would be good. Thank you, Varric. Finally your thought of alcohol makes everything better will come in handy." I said turning to look at him.

"Keep it up, Broody, and I'll make up stories about you."

"You already make up stories about me." I said arching a brow at him.

"Yeah, but they've all been flattering so far." He smirked and started for the door.

"Fenris, I didn't think about them saying stuff like that. I mean I know how this looks, but I in no way expect you to think of us as a family. I mean I appreciate how much you care about Lea, but…" I shut her up with a kiss. Lea bounced in my arm making huffing noises. I kissed her cheek getting a happy laugh from her.

"Does it bother you?" I asked watching her. "I mean would it bother you if I considered both of you mine?"

"Not at all. I just don't want you to feel pressured by all this. I mean you are just now ready to admit there's something between us. A built in family is a little much. Not that I want you to consider us that. I mean…" She took a breath and tried again. "I don't want you to feel trapped. I'm not expecting you to be Lea's father."

"She is mine as far as I'm concerned. Or maybe I'm hers. She's had me from the moment I felt her moving in your stomach." I said looking down at the smiling baby who made my heart do a weird and hard thump each time she looked at me with that adoring look. I then turned to Lila. "And you have had me from the moment you said you would have helped me even if I had told you the truth of wanting you to distract a group of Tevinter hunters. It just took me a while to figure out that I could claim you as well."

She sighed heavily. "Now you're just trying to make me emotional." She kissed me quickly. "I am yours. We are yours. For as long as you want us."

"I think I found the right reason for staying in Kirkwall after all."

"Me too." She smiled at me. Lea seemed to decide she needed to be in the conversation and began her entire repertoire of noises to gain our attention. Lila laughed and snuggled Lea close. "I think she's telling us enough feelings for the day."

"I think she might be right." I leaned over and kissed Lila quickly. "Until tonight."

"Hmm. I like the sound of that."


	37. Chapter 37

**Hawke**

I hurried back to my room after turning Lea over to Orana. Lea was being extra fussy tonight so it had taken longer than I would have thought. I closed the door behind me and smiled at Fenris as he stood up from the bed that he had nervously perched on.

"Sorry. She's fussy tonight. Being clingy." I shook my head trying to put worry of her aside. She was fine. I needed to focus on the nervous man right now. Lea was in good hands.

"I noticed that earlier." He said moving to me. He pushed my hair back and placed a kiss on my neck. "Do you want to go back to her?"

I sighed and wrapped my arms around his waist. "No. She's fine. Orana is great with her. Maybe she's just tired. That was a lot of rolling she was doing earlier." I smiled at the memory of it. My baby was trying to grow up too fast. She had discovered rolling over and that she could move around that way. She had squealed with delight as she managed to get to the toy on the other side of the blanket.

"She is growing so fast. It seems like only yesterday she was here kicking when I spoke." He said as he lightly ran his hand along my stomach.

I smiled up at him. "And now she kicks and squeals when she hears you. Only I'm not the one being kicked anymore."

"Does it bother you that she likes me?" He asked quietly.

I reached up and kissed him. "No. I like that she likes you. I told you before you would be a good male influence in her life."

"So you did. I swear to try and live up to that." He said as his hands roamed my back. His hands slid up and cupped my face, pulling me into a kiss. The kiss was slow and gentle. His hands tangled in my hair, his body pressed to mine. I wondered if I was going to wake up and this all be a dream. "You still alright with this?" He asked as he walked me back towards the bed.

"Very. You?" I asked kissing along his neck.

"Beyond." He smirked and shoved me back onto the bed. I caught his hand and pulled him in with me. "Lila, I want this to be right. I want to make this special, but…" I shut him up with a kiss. He pulled back to smirk at me. "That is my favorite way of being told to shut up."

"Well, then let me tell you again." I laughed and tugged him down to kiss him.

His hands were hesitant as they roamed me, but soon all hesitation was gone. His lips left mine and trailed down my neck. His hands worked the clasp loose on the tunic I was wearing. His hands were calloused and strong on my skin as he shoved the shirt open. I ran my hands along his back and arms, letting him take the lead in this.

"You're beautiful." He whispered before kissing me again.

"I want to see you too." I said tugging at the clasp of his tunic.

"Ask it and it's yours." He answered and quickly shucked his tunic. He froze on his knees watching me as I took in his bared chest. The lyrium markings curved along his sides in fluid forms, almost like a vine pattern. The markings on his neck continued down his chest, forming an almost arrow pattern disappearing past his waistband. I raised my eyes to his.

"You are beautiful." I said sitting up to capture his face in my hands. He gave me a look about my comment, but he was wise enough not to argue with me at the moment. Instead he kissed me, shoving me back down. Our hands tangling with each other's as we wrestled trying to free ourselves from our clothes.

"Be still." He ordered and quickly pulled me up and tossed my tunic aside. He shoved me back down as his mouth resumed it's path down my neck. "Venhedis!" He hissed as there was a knock on my door. We could hear Lea crying through it.

"Mistress? Little Mistress is burning up and won't stop crying." Orana said nervously through the door.

Fenris bolted out of bed hurriedly shoving my tunic at me as we raced to fasten our clothing back on. He beat me to the door by seconds. He took Lea from a startled Orana. She nervously wrung her hands as I put my hand on Lea's forehead.

"She is burning up." I said taking her from Fenris. She made a pitiful face and sobbed. It wasn't like any of her normal cries. This one was full of pain. I looked at Fenris frantically.

"Anders." He said and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me with him. Lea rubbed her face against my neck as we rushed down the stairs.

"Shush, honey. It's going to be alright." I begged feeling helpless. The damn passages took too much time. Each of her cries was ripping me apart. Fenris didn't look any better. Finally he pulled me to a stop.

"I'm faster."

"Fenris, no." I shook my head. I wasn't handing her off. Not now. She was hurting. I tried to start running again, but he just picked me up.

"I've got you both." He assured me and began to glow. I clutched tighter to Lea and to him as the passages began to fly by. He sat me on my feet as soon as we reached Darktown. His arm wrapped around my waist forcing me to run with him. He burst into the clinic yelling for Anders. Anders rushed to us pulling his shirt on as he came.

"What's wrong?" He demanded moving to us.

"Lea's crying. She's burning up. She's in pain. Do something, Anders." I begged hating to hand her off to him, but I knew I had to. I moved with him as he laid her down. Fenris paced angrily behind us as I tried to sooth Lea and keep her still so Anders could examine her.

"It's alright, sweetheart. Here you go. Poor little thing. I know it hurts, huh?" Anders said as he glowed, icy air moving off his hand as he placed his finger in her mouth. Lea quieted instantly. He smiled at me. "It's going to be alright. She's teething. Fevers and fussiness are a part of it I'm afraid. I'll give you something to rub on her gums. It will help numb them."

"Isn't there something you can do?" Fenris asked as I cradled Lea to me. She snubbed and rubbed her face along my neck before latching onto my finger and proceeding to chew it.

"Nope. Sorry. Like delivering a baby, magic can't do much for it. This will help numb it. Best advice is to let her chew on stuff and keep an eye on what she's chewing on. A ripe watermelon would be a good thing. Cool it off in the basement or have Bethany, Merrill, or me chill it. Make sure no seeds and tiny pieces only." He nodded to us. Relief poured over me. She was going to be alright. Then embarrassment set in.

"I feel like such a fool. I might have panicked a little." I said looking down at Lea. Anders tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear.

"It's alright. Most new mommy's tend to overreact with their little ones. Better safe than sorry."

"I'm so sorry we barged in like this and woke you up."

"It's not a big deal." Anders looked away guiltily.

"It is a big deal. We were in the middle of something." Isabela said appearing in the doorway from the back room. I stared at her stunned. I would have never thought the two of them would end up together.

She smirked at me, taking in my disheveled appearance. "Don't give me that wide eyed innocent look. From the looks of the two of you, Lea didn't just interrupt Anders and me."

I glanced at Fenris feeling my face heat up as Anders looked back and forth between us. "Right, well. Um, she's going to be fine. I'll come and check on her in the morning, if you would like." Anders offered clearing his throat.

"So just rub this on her gums?" I asked as I took the bottle when Fenris took Lea from me.

"Yep. Just a drop on your finger. Don't give her too much or it will make her whole mouth numb." Anders nodded. Fenris wrapped his arm around my waist and inclined his head to them.

"Thank you." He then lead me away and back to the stairs.

"Well, that was awkward. I never would have thought those two." I said glancing at him. He smiled at Lea as she gnawed on her fist, her eyes growing sleepy now that the pain was easing.

"I had a feeling something was going on about three months ago."

"Really?" I asked shocked. He nodded and smiled down at me.

"You were a little preoccupied at the time, but yes. There was a definite affection between them."

"So you think it's more than just, well…you know." I said glancing at Lea. Fenris chuckled quietly.

"She doesn't understand you. And as to if it's more than just you know, I wouldn't wager a guess. Nor do I really want to think about it."

I made a face. "Ug. Me either." He smiled at me and then nuzzled Lea's neck as she yawned.

"I have a feeling we're in for a long night." He looked over at me.

"You want to have that sort of conversation with Lea present?" I asked looking at him shocked.

He laughed and kissed me quickly. "You have a one track mind, Lila. Not like that. I would imagine that numbing stuff won't last all night."

"Right. My poor baby." I sighed. I hated the thought of her in pain. "Do you mind terribly if we postpone the other events of tonight?"

"Lea comes first. I understand this. Do you want to move her into the room with us? I can bring the other crib out of the basement when we go through."

I nearly tripped at his use of the word us in reference to the bedroom. He was still willing to stay the night with me even if I was going to be up and down all night with a fussy baby? I looked at him in question. He misunderstood my look.

"I shouldn't have presumed. I'll get the crib and leave you alone. Do you mind taking her so I can grab the crib?" He asked looking away from me.

I stopped and caught his arm. "Fenris, I want you with me. I was just surprised that you wanted that. I mean she's probably going to be up and down all night. And you know the other stuff can't happen so I thought…" He tilted my chin up so I was looking at him.

"I want you for more than just your body and the pleasures it holds in store for me. I am with you in this."

"And there you go again trying to make me emotional." I sighed, but smiled at him.

"I would rather make you something else, but it will have to wait until little one feels better." He said giving me a look that could only be described as smoldering as he handed Lea to me before grabbing the crib. "Shall we?" He asked looking back at me when I didn't move.

"Oh, sure. Expect a girl to be able to function after a comment like that with that voice of yours growling and those eyes promising all manner of naughty things."

And it was a long night. Just as predicted, Lea was up and down all night long. Finally I snuck out of the room with her, leaving Fenris to sleep. One of us should get some, I thought with a sigh. I took Lea down to the main hall and laid out a blanket for us. I placed her in the center and gave her all her favorite toys. I kept the numbing stuff close at hand, but safely out of her reach. She fussed, slept, and played all the rest of the night.

Finally as the sun was coming up, she seemed fairly content. I laid my head down nearly in her lap, keeping one hand on her little leg. She babbled happily and patted my head as she chewed on of my old leather gloves. I wasn't sure why she liked the thing so well, but it kept her from wailing so it was all hers now. I was in that half-sleep state when her babbling turned to her happy squeal and laugh when she spotted Fenris. I couldn't move to greet him though. Who would have thought two weeks of sleeping the night through would have made me so soft.

"Did you run Mommy ragged, little one?" Fenris asked quietly. Lea answered him with a raspberry. He chuckled softly and I felt him crouch down beside me. I allowed him to turn me over and opened one eye to look at him. Damn him for looking far too handsome and fairly well rested. "Are you alive?"

I grunted in response and then groaned. "She was up nearly the entire night. How can she be so happy right now?" I asked turning my head to look at Lea who smiled at me. Damn her for being irresistible.

"Why don't I put you to bed and I'll take over for a bit? I'll join you when she goes down for a nap." He offered as Sandal and Bohdan appeared in the room.

"Well, now. Did the little miss give you trouble?" Bohdan asked smiling at Lea. Sandal bound over to her dropping down on the blanket to smile at her. She squealed in greeting and latched onto his finger.

He smiled at me. "I like the baby."

"And she likes you too." I smiled at him and shifted to sit up. Fenris pulled me so I leaned against him. "She's teething." I explained to Bohdan.

"Poor little dear. Anything I can do?" He asked.

"Would you pick up a watermelon at the market today? Anders thought that would be a good thing for her to chew on." Fenris answered. "Would you mind watching Lea a moment while I put Lila to bed?"

"That will be our pleasure, won't it my boy?" Bohdan asked smiling at the two of them as Sandal danced a toy around for Lea. Bandit moved over to the blanket and nudged Lea who giggled and latched onto his jowls.

"Oh, honey, don't chew on Bandit!" I said and moved to extract her from the dog as she bent over to gum his nose. She squawked in protest. Fenris took her from me.

"Don't argue with your mother." He said smiling at her as she quieted and cooed at him. He sat her back down and she reached for the glove before rolling over onto her back. She babbled as she chewed it. "A glove?" He asked looking at me.

"Don't judge me. It was late, it stopped the screaming. It's clean." I shrugged. He kissed my forehead before pulling me up with him.

"I'll be back down in a moment." He told Bohdan. Bohdan was smiling at us with a knowing look.

"We've got the little miss. Take your time. I must say it's about time, if you don't mind me saying so. Couldn't be happier for the two of you." He said nodding to us.

"Fenris, I am perfectly able to put myself to bed." I said frowning at him. He just smirked and lifted me up.

"I am aware of that." He answered. "Let me take care of you."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and laid my head against his shoulder. "Hmm. I might could get used to this." His smirk grew. "Don't get cocky, Broody. I'm not going to give into you all the time."

His smile widened as he carried me into the room and laid me down on the bed. "I have my ways." He kissed me before I could protest. "Get some rest. I'll handle Lea."

"Just a quick nap." I promised. He pulled the covers up over me and kissed me again.

"I'll join you as soon as I can." He promised and left the room. I snuggled into the pillow that smelled of him. Yes, I could definitely get used to this.


	38. Chapter 38

**Fenris**

I made my way back down to the main hall. An idea was forming as I looked at the glove. Bohdan looked up as I made my way into the room.

"I'll go on to the market since you're back." Bohdan stood up and dusted off his hands.

"Would you mind leaving Sandal? I have a project that I could use his help on." I turned to Sandal. "Do you want to help me make something for Lea?"

"Enchantment?" He asked looking at me excitedly.

I nodded. "Enchantment." I agreed.

"Yay!" He yelled and clapped his hands. Lea squealed and giggled as Bandit barked happily.

"I'll leave you gentlemen to it then. Orana's in the kitchen if you need her to watch little miss." Bohdan said and headed for the door.

I moved to Lea and took the soggy glove from her grasp. Her lip puckered up and tears welled up in her eyes as she looked at me. I sighed and handed it back to her. She snubbed a bit, but proceeded to chew it happily. I looked over as Orana moved into the room.

"Do you know where the other glove is?" I asked.

She glanced at me nervously. Even after three years the poor girl was still afraid of her shadow. Not that I blamed her. She had been a slave of Hadriana. "Yes. Mistress keeps them in that chest over there." She pointed towards the writing table. I moved to it and grabbed the matching glove from it.

"May I use your sewing kit?" I asked. She looked puzzled, but nodded and rushed off to get it for me. "And I need some stuffing." I called after her. She paused on the stairs and nodded. I turned and watched Lea as Sandal and Bandit played an odd game of peek-a-boo with her.

She really was a little cutie. Her grin wide and happy as her eyes sparkled. Her laugh always ready. But like her mother, she had a bit of a temper. It was hard to believe that they were mine.

Mine. It was strange for a man who had been a slave to be able to use that word, but it's what they were. They were mine, my daughter and my love. Not to mention a home and an odd family. It was a bit overwhelming, but in a good way.

I thought of the letter I had received recently from my sister. That was strange to even think it, but I had to get used to it. And I was going to have to tell Lila about it. Varania was coming to Kirkwall. She would be here in a few weeks. We had written a few more letters after our initial ones. My last one I had sent her the coin to come here. I wasn't sure what I wanted or expected, but it felt like it was the thing to do. She was unhappy in Tevinter. I had found happiness here in this strange city. Maybe my sister could as well.

I wondered what Lila would say when I told her about Varania. Would she think I had kept it from her? Or would she understand me as she normally did? And what did one say to a long lost sister that they had no memory of? 'Hey, you might know me, but I don't know you. Let's hang out and maybe you can fill in the missing pieces of my memory?' I shook my head. I would worry about that later. Right now I was going to take care of my daughter. Then I was hopefully going to get some time to finish what her mother and I had started last night.

A couple of hours later, my idea had paid off. I was tucking a drowsy Lea into bed when I felt Lila move into the room behind me. I glanced at her as she moved close.

"She out?" She asked.

"Like you're supposed to be." I said wrapping my arm around her and drawing her close to me as she placed a kiss on Lea's head.

"I feel better. What's that?" She asked picking up the idea I'd had. "Is this my glove?"

"Um…" I shifted nervously. I hadn't thought about she might not care to have her gloves cut up and made into a toy for Lea. "I, uh, thought with the fact she liked chewing it so much that this might be a good idea."

She looked at me as she held the glove that I had sown into a doll that resembled a plain, unadorned gingerbread man. "Is it enchanted? It feels cold."

"I had Sandal enchant it. I thought this would be a good thing for her while she's teething. It would help numb her gums and she seems to really like the leather. I should have checked with you first." I worried as Lila wasn't saying anything. She was just watching me. "Lila, forgive me if I overstepped."

She set the doll back down in the crib before wrapping her arms around me. "You really care about her, don't you?"

"I thought I had made that clear. I care about you both. You did say you were both mine. Did I misunderstand?" I pulled her back to look at her. She shook her head.

"No. I meant it. I just wasn't so sure what you really wanted from all of this."

"You. Both of you. If you feel the need for more clarity, I could show you." I smiled as I pulled her tightly to me.

"Hmm. I think a demonstration is definitely in order." She smiled at me teasingly.

"My pleasure." I lowered my head to kiss her.

"You know, she's going to be asleep for a while. And Bethany won't be here for another hour at least." She said as she nipped at my neck. "Whatever shall we do with this time?"

I lifted her up, wrapping her legs around my waist. "I can think of a few things."

"You know, I think I like the way you think." She said before kissing me again. I started out the door, but she pulled back. "The rune." She said as she ran her lips over my ear. I fumbled around on the table and finally managed to grab it.

I then hurried us down the hall to her room. She worked the clasp loose of my tunic and ran her hands along my chest as I shut the door behind us. I whirled and pinned her to the door, kissing her hard. I dropped the rune and worked on pulling her tunic off and dropping mine. I reclaimed her mouth and carried her to the bed.

We tumbled into it, our hands roaming each other as our lips and tongues danced. She was amazing. All smooth skin and muscle. I ran my hands over a faint scar on her ribs and looked at her in question.

"From Ostagar." She explained. I ran my hands up to the jagged scar on her shoulder. She shivered as I touched it.

"And this one?" I asked surprised by these few scars. She normally had a healer with her, be it Bethany or Anders.

She looked at me worriedly. "Um, maybe we shouldn't talk about this right now." She kissed me trying to distract me.

"Lila, what's this one from?" I demanded. What was she keeping from me? Had that bastard hurt her?

She looked away from me. "Hadriana. That lightning bolt she shot at you."

"The one you took instead. Why didn't Anders heal it?" I asked.

"He would have if I had given him the chance. I attempted to follow you. I was afraid that there were more slavers waiting for you. When you vanished I started hunting you. By the time I had him tended it, it was too late to keep it from scarring. Even with magic." She shrugged. I shifted away from her. She was scarred for me. Another reminder of the fact I didn't deserve her. She caught me before I could move farther. "Please don't do it." I looked at her then. "Don't run. Please. Not now. I'm fine. It's an old wound. Doesn't hurt anymore. Don't get all quiet and distant."

"Lila, I…" I sat up and hung my head. She shifted around into my lap placing her palms on my chest.

She lightly ran her hand down my chest, feeling the scars that the markings mainly hid. "How many of these are because of something I drug you into?" She forced me to look at her. "We both have scars and a past. That doesn't change what's between us."

"But you are so…and I'm…"

"Wonderful. You're wonderful and beautiful and strong and…" She trailed off and watched me worriedly. "The man I love."

And there it was. Love. I had seen it in her eyes and now she was saying it. It wasn't that I didn't feel it for her. I did. I loved her. She and Lea were my entire world. I couldn't imagine ever being without them. But I couldn't say it. It was too much. I would be too exposed.

She glanced away from me and started to shift out of my lap. I tightened my arms around her and tangled a hand in her hair to force her head to mine. I kissed her desperately hoping that my feelings could be shown in it. That she would see what I couldn't say.

She kissed me back hesitantly. I could feel her pulling away from me, not physically, but emotionally. She was going to try and distance herself from me. I knew it because it was what I did. I had to explain somehow.

"You are my everything." I whispered to her as I slid my lips along her jaw to nip at her earlobe. "You and Lea are the best things to ever happen to me. If I lost you, I wouldn't be able to go on." It must have been enough because suddenly she shoved me back to the bed capturing my mouth and kissing me hard.

"Prove it." She whispered, her eyes challenging me. I smiled at her and pinned her to the bed.

"With pleasure." I said and reached for the laces on her pants.

She ran her hands along my back as I unlaced her pants. I kissed along her neck as I tugged on them. She lifted her hips and let me pull them from her. I kissed along her corset as my hands started work on unlacing it. She ran her hands through my hair, tugging until I returned to kiss her. I abandoned the corset and trailed a hand lower to brush against her smalls. I slipped my hand into it and she gasped against my lips.

I stroked her and she made gasping noises. She trailed her hand down to slip into my pants. And it was my turn to gasp. Her hand stroked me lightly. I slipped my finger into her and moaned at the feeling. I needed her.

"Maker, Lila, I…" I panted trying to form words. She pulled my hand away from her and tugged on my pants.

"Fenris, please…" She begged. I was more than willing to comply. I made short work of the rest of our clothes and settled over her. We had the rest of our lives to explore each other.

"Lila, I…" I had just started to press against her when there was a banging on the door. "Venhedis!" I yelled. Lila started and looked at the door. I stood up and hastily pulled on my pants before storming towards the door. I glanced back at Lila making sure she was covered. She had wrapped the blanket around her and watched the door worriedly. "Someone better be dying!" I snapped as I jerked the door open.

"No one is yet. But they will be." Isabela laughed as she held up a rune stone. Anders stood behind her looking embarrassed.

"What is she talking about?" Lila asked. The rune in Isabela's hand lit up and vibrated. I closed my eyes in misery. I had grabbed the yellow rune instead of the green one.

"We were just going to let you know that you had the wrong rune, but then we could hear that you were busy so I waited for the perfect moment to let you know. Paybacks a bitch. And so am I." Isabela laughed. I snatched the green rune from her. "Not so much fun when someone interrupts you, is it?" I slammed the door in her smirking face. I leaned against it and looked over at Lila.

Lila's eyes widened and she covered her mouth. "Oh, sweet Maker!"

"Don't worry, Hawke. We'll keep an eye on Lea for you. You two just finish what you were doing. Sounded like you were off to a good start. If you want any pointers just let me know." Isabela called through the door.

"I'm going to kill you!" I shouted.

"Now is that anyway to talk to a friend? I swear, the rudeness from them. Come on, Anders. Let's go and watch the baby." Isabela said.

"Sorry. I tried to talk her out of it." Anders shouted.

"And just for that you aren't getting lucky tonight." Isabela replied.

"I'll do that electrical thing." Anders said in a sing-song voice.

"Well, maybe I shouldn't punish me. You were the bad one." Isabela replied. I sighed as their voices drifted away.

"How much do you think they heard?" Lila asked.

"More than enough to make it so they have to die."

She laughed embarrassedly. "Um, well, now what?"

"We get dressed and then I rid the world of a pirate and mage."

Lila stood up, taking the blanket with her and moved to me. "I'm sorry." She said leaning against me. I wrapped my arms around her.

"It's not your fault. I should have checked the runes."

"I shouldn't have distracted you." She said and kissed me. "You aren't really angry, are you?"

"With her, yes. With the fact they know that we're together, no." I assured her. "I meant what I said."

"Do you think there will ever be a time we can just enjoy each other without any interruptions?"

"With the way things are going, I wouldn't count on it." I sighed and ran my hand through my hair.

"Well, let's make it happen. How about tonight we have an early dinner with the others, kick them out, leave Lea in Orana's hands, make sure we have the right rune, and then make some time to enjoy each other?" She suggested as she moved to her clothes.

"The others will talk." I pointed out.

"I don't care what they think. Do you?"

I watched her as she dropped the blanket and slowly got dressed. I ached in a way I never had before. "No." I said and moved to her. I kissed her slowly enjoying the way she melted into me. "Tonight then."

"I look forward to it." She said kissing me before resuming dressing.

I sighed as I grabbed my shirt. "As do I."

**-0-**

"So since it's still early and all, maybe you wouldn't mind helping me with a small problem." Varric said. We had managed to run off all of them except him, Aveline, and Donnic.

I muttered things about his parentage under my breath as Lila started to turn to him. Instead of letting her up, I pulled her into my lap and wrapped my arms around her waist. I was hoping to remind her of our plan. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy.

"What sort of small problem?" She asked lazily running a hand through my hair, her hand rubbing my neck as it got to it. I relaxed as she worked out the tension in it. Maybe a slight delay wasn't such a bad idea.

"Remember my brother's house? Well, I sort of sold it sight unseen to some fancy Orlesians."

"I bet they were none too happy with all the corpses." She said with a bemused smile. I decided maybe I should up my plan and slipped my hand under her tunic and stroked her back lightly. She shifted slightly and gave me a sharp look.

"Yeah, well they are trying to move in and well, they say the place is haunted."

"That much death and madness would probably leave a mark on the place." She reached back and pulled my hand out of her shirt. I sighed in irritation.

"Well, I was hoping you would go with me. Help me sort out the problem."

"You want me to go and hunt ghost?" She asked.

"Well, weird is sort of your forte, right? And you were just saying how much you had missed all the fun we used to get up to. You said you wanted to start working again. So just this little mission. Just a hop skip and a jump from home. Aveline and Donnic could stay with Lea while we go and handle the problem. Get your feet wet without a lot of fuss." Varric nodded to her.

Lila glanced down at me. "Well, I did say that. And it is close, but I…"

"We would be happy to watch Lea. We've been wanting to offer it for a while now." Aveline said.

"We thought the two of you might need some time to do something just the two of you. Hunting ghost isn't exactly what we had in mind, but we would be happy to keep her now and again some other time." Donnic nodded to me. I wondered if maybe we shouldn't take them up on the offer. I could take her to my old place. We could have no interruptions there.

"Please, Hawke. For me?" Varric pleaded. I sighed as Lila's eyes turned to pleading with me.

"Fine. But this had better be a quick job, Varric." I snapped. I stood up, pushing Lila out of my lap. She huffed in irritation. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her along with me. "Let us get our gear. We'll be down in a moment."

"Fenris, I couldn't say no." Lila said as I shut the door to our room and stomped to my armoire. I didn't say a word as I began pulling on my armor. I heard her sigh and turn to hers. "He said it would be quick." She tried again. I worked on tightening my breastplate and then gauntlets. "I'm sorry. I'll go and tell him we'll do it tomorrow night." She started for the door, but I caught her. I sighed and pulled her to me.

"It's alright. I'm not angry." She gave me a look. "Alright, I'm not exactly _not _angry, but I understand why you said yes. He's family. He needed you. I get it."

"But you are family too. And you wanted my time. I'm sorry."

"It's not a want, Lila. It's a need." I said and kissed her. "I don't blame you though. I blame the dwarf for knowing what buttons to push."

"Really?" She asked.

"Really. Get your gear on. The faster we go and take care of a ghost problem, the faster we can take care of another problem."

She smiled at me and kissed me quickly. "I promise I'll make it up to you." She turned to look at her armor. I was puzzled by her hesitation. "I haven't had this on in a year. I haven't really fought in a year. What if…" She trailed off as I turned her to face me.

"Lila, you are a brilliant fighter. You are almost back to your old self."

"Almost?" She asked sounding indignant.

"You aren't quite as fast as you were, but that is improving. I've been wondering if you were just holding back because you know it's not real. Maybe this is just what you need."

"Fenris, I don't know if I'm ready. I don't mean just because of the fighting. I mean leaving Lea. What if something happens to us? What if something happens here and we are off fighting stupid ghost?" She was starting to panic. I pulled her to me and kissed her.

"I won't allow anything to happen to you. And Lea will be perfectly safe with Aveline, Donnic, and Bandit. She's already been fed, changed, and bathed. All they will have to do is put her to bed. She will be just fine."

"But…" She started.

"No buts. Sebastian is far away. The house is being guarded. We are leaving Lea with Orana, Bohdan, Sandal, and Bandit as well as the Guard Captain and her first. Lea is going to be just fine. As are we."

She took a shaky breath and nodded. "I'm being a new mommy again, aren't I?"

I kissed her as I began to pull off her clothes to help her with her armor. The Champion gear was a lot of buckles. "Yes. But it's alright. No one expects you to be perfect all the time."

The mission went smoothly. Well, except the ghost were there because of a strange ghostly golem that was some leftover piece of the relic we had found in the Deep Roads. Lila had to talk Varric out of keeping it. He had gone a little mad as he had held it. Finally he had handed it over and we were all on our ways home.

Lila had given the piece to Sandal thinking he could dispose of it safely. He had done more than that. He had turned it into some sort of powerful rune. Lila had locked the rune away saying that now that it was safe, she was going to give it to Varric since he had wanted the shard.

We had retired to our room, but not for the evening we had planned. We were both tired and had injuries to tend to. Once they were tended, our armor and weapons needed cleaned. We then fell into bed and curled around each other. She kissed me and promised to make it up to me in the morning. I had a strange feeling this was going to become a habit. I wondered if a man could die from frustration.


	39. Chapter 39

_**Author's note: This chapter has a pov change in it. I tried to make it as clear as possible.**_

**-0-0-0-**

**Hawke**

I woke early and turned to look at Fenris. Even in sleep he didn't relax much. Although it might have been frustration that furrowed his brow. I knew I was feeling fairly frustrated myself. I could only imagine how much worse it was for him. I was still nervous about this, but I desperately wanted him. And I wanted it to be right. He deserved so much more than he got.

He was good and kind. Always taking care of me and Lea. It was time he got some attention and pampering. I slipped out of bed, a plan forming, but I hadn't gotten two feet before suddenly he was in front of me.

"Where do you think you're going?" He demanded.

I kissed him easing the angry scowl on his face. "Don't worry, Fenris. I'm not sneaking off. Well, I am, but I'm going to go and take care of a few things. I want you to stay here in bed. I'll be back in just a little bit. I'm going to make sure we have the entire morning to ourselves. We are going to finish what keeps being interrupted."

"If you go out there, you won't be able to come back. Just come back to bed." He pleaded and began trying to push me back to it. I ducked under his arm and moved to the door.

"Lea needs fed, Bandit needs to be taken out, and instructions need to be left with Bohdan."

"Instructions?" Fenris asked looking irritated as he stalked me. He pinned me to the door.

"That no one is to bother us unless there is an emergency."

"You might should define emergency." He said and then kissed me. "We could just go back to bed and the rest could wait."

"We could, but then my plan of taking care of you would be out the window. I'm going to bring you breakfast in bed. I want to give you the attention you deserve. Please?" I begged kissing along his neck.

"I would rather have you." He said in an almost sulk.

"Oh, you will. I want that as well, I just want to spend some time taking care of you. You do so much for me and Lea. Let me do this. I promise I'll make it worth the wait."

"I have always thought of myself as a patient man, but I find my patience wearing thin." He said huffily and climbed back into bed.

"Don't sulk. I'll be back." I said heading out the door.

"I do not sulk." He replied angrily.

"Clearly." I laughed and shut the door.

I was going to have to hurry if I wanted to get it all done. I moved to Lea's room and cuddled her close as she smiled up at me. I quickly went about getting her ready for her day before handing her off to Orana.

"I made a breakfast, Mistress. Bohdan thought that you would want something later, but I went ahead and fixed it." She said as she took Lea.

"Thank you, Orana. That's perfect. I'll fix a tray and take it up to Fenris. Would you mind handle Lea for us for the rest of the morning. If she gets fussy, rub a drop of this on her gums or give her the leather doll Fenris made her. If it's an emergency, you can come to us, but…"

"I understand, Mistress." She smiled at me before ducking her head back. "I will take care of little mistress."

"Thank you. Bye, sweetie." I said and kissed Lea's cheek one last time before hurrying off to talk with Bohdan.

"Don't you worry about a thing, Mistress. We'll handle things here. You just take care of Master Fenris. I'll handle everything else." Bohdan said waving me on. I hurried to the kitchen and quickly fixed a tray. Things were coming together nicely. Maybe the Maker was going to give us a break finally.

Sandal was out in the garden tossing sticks for Bandit. Orana was in the nursery with Lea. Bohdan was handling the other household details I couldn't and didn't want to be bothered with. All our companions should still be occupied elsewhere until later.

I headed back for the stairs when I heard Bohdan greeting Merrill. I wondered if I could sneak past them. Bohdan would handle it. I was trying to start up the stairs when she spotted me.

"She's right there, Bohdan." Merrill said with a laugh and moved into the hall. "Good morning, Hawke."

"Merrill. What brings you here so early?" I asked unable to be rude to the sunny and sweet elf.

"I was wondering if you might help me with a small problem." She said. I held in my sigh and shifted the heavy tray in my hands as she began to try and explain to me what she wanted me to help her with. I was beginning to fear Fenris and I were going to have to run away if we ever wanted any time alone.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Fenris**

I laid back down and wondered what disaster was going to take us now. Our relationship was complicated enough with our own issues without adding everyone else's stuff to it. I wondered if we were going to have to run to ever have time alone.

I turned over and tried to relax. She would be back. She was wanting to do something nice. It took time to settle everything. I knew how she was before we had started all of this. How much she cared about everyone was part of what I liked about her. But it was also what was driving me crazy right now.

Time was moving slowly as I tried to occupy my mind with anything other than the woman who was so close, but still impossibly out of my reach. I started as I wondered if I was supposed to be setting the mood like in those stupid stories Isabela like to put in my library. She had a nasty habit of picking them where the title sounded like something I wanted to read, but then the story wasn't at all what I thought it was going to be.

I looked around wondering if a fire in this heat was a good idea. Candles were out of the question as Lila didn't keep them in her room, preferring the safety of the lyrium lights and lanterns. And flowers were out as well since I wasn't supposed to leave the room. I gave up on the half-hearted plan and moved back to the bed.

Finally I couldn't stand it anymore. What was taking her so long? It wasn't as if she was making breakfast. Maker forbid. We had nearly starved in the Deep Roads when it was her turn to cook. She argued it was because of the limited food to work with, but I wasn't so sure.

I moved to the door and listened. Surely she should be coming up the stairs now. Unless she had taken Bandit out. Surely she would have had someone else take him. I paced away from the door before deciding this was ridiculous.

I would just find her and drag her back up here. So long as Lea didn't need us, there was nothing that couldn't wait. I barely contained my growl as I heard Merrill's voice chatting away. Lila was at the bottom of the stairs, shifting a tray around as she attempted to pay attention. Her eyes locked with mine and she frowned as she saw me.

"You said you were coming right back." I said as I moved down the stairs and snatched the tray from her.

"I was, but as you can see…" She said motioning to Merrill who looked over at me startled. I realized I hadn't grabbed a shirt when I left. I should have been embarrassed, but I didn't care enough to be. "Merrill was just explaining to me about something she needed my help with since I'm back to helping now." She said giving me a look.

"Varric." I sighed. I shifted the tray to one hand and pulled Lila towards me.

"So as I was saying, it would only take a day. Maybe two. We would just have to…" Merrill started, but I cut her off.

"Is someone dying?" I asked.

"What? No." Merrill said looking puzzled.

"Is someone dead?" I pressed.

"Not that I'm aware of. I mean I'm sure there are. People die all the time, but…" I growled and stopped her rambling.

"Does someone need to die?" I asked trying to remember that Lila like the crazy blood mage.

"No. At least I hope not." She said looking worried as I jerked Lila around. I tossed her over my shoulder, balancing the tray in my other hand.

"Then it's not an emergency. It can wait." I snapped and started back up the stairs.

"Fenris!" Lila cried sounding shocked.

"Why must it wait? I mean it's not like it has to be done today I don't guess, but…"

"We need time alone. You will have to wait."

"Time alone? If you need time alone why are you taking Lila with you?" Merrill asked and started forward.

"Follow us and die." I snarled glancing back at her.

"Fenris." Lila warned. "Merrill, I'll talk with you later. Come back this evening and we can discuss it."

"Oh. Alright. I still don't understand why you want alone time together. I mean how can it be alone time if you aren't alone? Wait...is this something dirty?" Merrill was still chattering but I kicked the door shut. I sat the tray down on the desk before moving back and locking the door.

"That was rude. And you can put me down." Lila said.

"No. If I let you go, you will find something else you have to do or someone else you have to help."

"I'm all yours now." She promised. I shifted her to put her feet on the ground, keeping my arms around her just in case.

"Truly?" I asked.

"Truly." She said and kissed me. "Thanks for the rescue, though it was a bit harsh."

"If I hadn't been harsh, she would have continued to ramble uninterrupted even though you weren't listening to her." I pointed out as I moved her back towards the bed.

"True. It was hard to concentrate on her when I was thinking of all the ways I wanted to show you how much you mean to me. I know that I get sidetracked with Lea and the others, but you are so important to me."

I smirked at her. "Prove it."

She took a step back from me and reached for the tie of her gown. "With pleasure." She said as she untied it and shoved the gown off her shoulders. She let it slip off of her and pool at her feet. She held her hand out to me. "I was going to feed you and give you a massage, but it can all wait."

I drank in the sight of her for a moment before I crushed her to me. We kissed as we moved back to the bed. We finished undressing in a frenzy before we hit the bed.

"I wanted to take my time. I wanted to make this special." I started as we clumsily kissed and groped as we shifted in the bed, working our way to the pillows.

"Take time later. Need you now." She said kissing me and pulling me down to her. I settled against her, holding back daring someone to interrupt. First one that did would get their heart ripped out. "Fenris, don't wait or…" She trailed off in a gasp as I pressed into her. "Oh, sweet Maker!"

I smirked at her as best I could when I couldn't breath past the pleasure that surged through me. "Fenris will do just fine, thank you."

Her eyes were cloudy with desire and confusion for a moment before she rolled her eyes. "Shut up and kiss me."

"I thought kissing you was telling you to shut up." I taunted. I wasn't sure why now was the time I wanted to tease her, but I couldn't seem to stop it.

She took matters into her own hands and shifted her hips against me as she tangled a fist in my hair, pulling me to her lips. I rocked into her as our lips met, swallowing her moans. 'Mine' was a chant in my head, her name on my lips as we ground against each other. Later I would take time. Later I would try and make this right. Now we needed this. I shifted back onto my knees, jerking her hips up, arching her back as I shifted the angle into her.

Her nails lightly raked my arms and back as I supported her, driving into her. She arched up and wrapped her arms around my neck, kissing me before moving to nip at my ear. I let out a growl I couldn't contain. I was the beast my name spoke of now, claiming my mate. Part of me worried I was hurting her, but her pants, moans, and pleas didn't seem to be of the 'stop' sort. I wasn't so sure I could have if I had wanted to.

"Lila…I…" I wasn't going to last. But apparently that didn't matter as her hands tightened on my shoulders, her head arching back. Her body taunt and tight around me. I growled as she clenched around me, riding me faster, my name on her lips. I spilled into her as she laid her head against my shoulder, our bodies shuddering in the afterglow. I clutched her tightly to me and laid us back down. I started to shift off of her, but she pulled me back.

She placed a lazy kiss on my lips and smirked at me. She looked sleepy and sated as she lazily threw her arm above her head. I leaned close to her to run my lips along her neck. This connection felt even more intense in emotions. Our bodies still connect, but it felt like more was connected than just the physical.

"Want to do that again. But need a nap first. Who knew I was turning into such a softie?" She said as I shifted off of her. I cradled her to my chest, cherishing this moment, this feeling.

"I need to recover myself." I forced myself to say. She laughed and nipped at my shoulder before snuggling down against me.

"I could really get used to this." She sighed and then drifted to sleep. I was about to follow her, floating in that hazy state when memories and images filled my mind.

People, places, sights, smells. Mine. All of the images in it, memories. Bright, vibrant memories. My mother…my sister…home…

The feelings welled up, overwhelming me. I clung to Lila tightly, trying to anchor myself as memories threatened to drown me. Then as suddenly as they appeared, they disappeared. Slipping like water through my fingers as I clumsily tried to grasp them. And I was left with a gaping, empty hole in my mind and chest again.

I shifted slowly. I couldn't wake Lila. I had to sort this out first. I had to figure this out. I wanted to run. I needed to run. It was too much. I couldn't do this. But I couldn't just leave her.

So I moved out of bed and got dressed. I stood staring at the empty fireplace, waiting for her to wake up. Praying the memories would come back. Praying I wasn't going to lose this one bit of happiness I had found.


	40. Chapter 40

**Fenris**

I don't know how long I stood there before I heard her wake up. Her voice sleepy and worried sounding as she shifted in the bed. "Was it that bad?" She tried to tease, but I heard the fear in her tone. She knew.

"It was fine." My pain causing my words to come out rough and harsh. I heard her quiet intake of air and my words registered. I turned to face her. "No, that is insufficient. It was better than anything I could have dreamed."

"Is it the markings?" She asked watching me with eyes that were all to knowing. She was going through the motions, but she was already prepared.

"No. It's not that." I turned back away from her, watching her out of the corner of my eye. Hanging my head in misery and shame. I was breaking her heart. "I started to remember. For a second I could remember everything."

"Everything? Your past?" She asked sounding hopeful for a second. I turned to her letting her see my misery. I hated watching the light in her eyes die, but she had to know.

"And then it slipped away. This is…too much. I can't do this. I…" I shook my head and glanced away from her. She took a shaky breath and nervously fidgeted with the sheet she had wrapped around herself. She ducked her head, but I saw the tears forming anyway.

"Can't we work this out?" She asked so quietly I almost couldn't hear her.

"I don't think you realize how hard this is for me. To have them all back, and then taken away again. I…am broken." I shook my head. "Lila, I wanted this to work, but…" I wanted her to get angry. I needed her to be angry. I should have known my Lila wouldn't do that.

"You can't." She said standing and pulling on the gown quickly. She turned away from me.

"I'm sorry. I feel like such a fool. I wanted a bit of happiness, but…" I trailed off watching her as she steeled herself. Damn Danarius and magic. Damn him for always managing to steal everything from me. My memories, my peace, my belief that I could be anything more than a runaway weapon. And now my girls.

"It would be pointless to try and talk you out of leaving. It would just make this harder on both of us." She took a deep breath and moved away from me. "Fenris, I don't know how much longer I can be strong and nice, so if you are leaving, you should just go."

And there it was. The ending of what could have been. I stalked away to the door. I pulled it open, but I couldn't cross the threshold. Grief crushed me, freezing me in place as surely as a mage's spell.

If I walked out this door, it was over. Lila would never trust me again. She might forgive me, but this…us…would never be. I would never see the woman Lea would become. I would never get to steal kisses as I sparred with Lila again. I would never see either of their lyrium eyes light up when they saw me.

I thought of living without them. I thought of returning to my old life. I scoffed at that. What life? Hiding and running. Never letting anyone close. Never staying to long.

She was what had kept me here in this stinking city. Not that she might aid me to keep Danarius off of me. But that she saw me. Not the slave or weapon or even something to save. She saw me. The person I could be if I stopped letting Danarius win.

I started at that thought. I wasn't letting him win. I had escaped. Killed his hunters. Even killed his precious Hadriana. I froze at the thought of her.

I had wanted to leave all that hate and anger behind me. I had wanted to try and live a life free of the past, but when faced with it, the hate and anger took over. I promised to let her go, and killed her instead. Holding onto that kept me anchored to the past I was trying to escape.

I recalled my conversation with Varric all those months ago when I had said I wasn't free of Danarius yet. He had said there was more truth in that statement than I realized. I had been talking about so long as he was alive, I would always be hunted. But now I knew what Varric was talking about. Each time I gave something up because it got difficult, each time I ran from something because it might mean something, I let him win. I may as well have been that leashed slave by his side for all the living I was doing. So long as I refused to live, he would hold that leash.

I was letting the fear of my feelings and memories drive me away. Sure it was overwhelming and painful and complicated, but so was life. If being by Lila's side had taught me nothing else, it had taught me that even if life was complicated, the one thing you could count on was family. Not necessarily those you were born to, but the ones you found. And I was going to lose mine simply because I was a coward.

I whirled, slamming the door shut behind me. I watched Lila, her back to me, her shoulders bowed. She dropped to her knees and covered her face with her hands. I rushed forward and dropped to my knees in front of her. I placed my hands on her shoulders feeling her silent sobs that racked her body.

She started as I touched her, eyes wide in shock. Pain clearly written all over her face. "Fenris, but I thought…" She said after a moment of staring at me.

"Forgive me for being a coward and fool. I can't leave you. I can't lose you." I whispered as I cupped her face in my hands. I ran my thumbs over her cheeks, drying the tears there.

"Fenris…" She started, but I crushed her lips with mine, silencing her with a kiss. I needed to apologize. I needed to explain. I couldn't bear the hurt in her eyes.

"I don't want to be without you. I won't let him take another thing from me. This is hard and I'll probably mess things up repeatedly, but I love you and Lea. I don't want to be without you. So if you give me a chance, I promise to do my best to take care of you both. I'm not running anywhere without my girls."

Her eyes were wide as she looked at me. "What did you say?"

"I'm not running anywhere without my girls." I said hugging her to me.

"No before that. Somewhere in the middle of that speech." She pulled back enough to look at me. Her eyes searching mine.

My heart hammered. I had told her I loved them. I had said it out loud. There was no going back. If I lost her, it wouldn't be because I didn't fight for her. "I love you and Lea."

Her eyes softened and she melted into my embrace. "I could stand to hear that again."

"I love you. I never want to be away from you. Though from time to time I will need time and space to sort out stuff. Emotions and such weren't allowed to slaves."

"And I understand that. Just don't run out on me. I can't take anymore heartbreak."

"I won't." I promised and kissed her head.

"Then tell me again." She said and bit her lip as she watched me.

I smiled at her. "I love you, Lila Hawke."

"And I love you, Fenris." She kissed me lightly. It wasn't enough. I pulled her tightly to me and kissed her greedily. She sighed and curled into my arms. "Well, now that we've had our first fight as a couple, when you feel up to it, we'll have to have a proper make up."

"Proper make up? Do you want me to grovel on my knees, begging you to forgive me?" I asked.

"No. You didn't actually leave me so no groveling necessary."

"So what is a proper make up?" I asked.

She smiled at me mischievously. "Why, make up sex, of course! But I don't want to upset you, so I'll take a rain check. We can do that whenever you feel like you can handle another go of it. For now, I think we should eat and maybe nap before we have to face the rest of the world."

"Or we could try again." I said lifting her up into my arms. I wasn't going to let him win. He wasn't getting to touch this here with us. His taint had ruined enough.

"Fenris…" She said looking worried.

"I love you, Lila. I'm not going anywhere. I'm ready to be free of my past and step into my future. My future with my girls by my side."

She sighed and laid her head on my shoulder as I carried her back to bed. "I do like the way that sounds."


	41. Chapter 41

**Hawke**

I watched Fenris as he smiled at Lea. I wasn't sure what the two of them were talking about, but it seemed fairly serious. Lea watched him intently, grinning every now and then with a quick laugh.

I had been so sure he had left me earlier. But he hadn't. He had stayed even though everything told him to run. Not only had he stayed we had spent the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon getting to enjoy each other.

He had said he was ready to release the past and embrace the future. It seemed as if he was speaking the truth. There was a lighter air about him. Some of the weight that seemed to keep him hunched down was gone. And his smile was freer. Even with the others all around and teasing us for our long 'alone time'.

"Is it just me, or does Fenris seem less…grumpy?" Merrill asked tilting her head to watch Fenris as he nodded to Aveline as she joined him.

"That's cause he got lucky, kitten." Isabela laughed. I sighed, but was too happy to be embarrassed. I was loved, my child was loved, and he was staying.

"Did he win at a game of cards?" Merrill asked turning to look at Isabela. We were playing a game of Wicked Grace while the rest of the group, minus Fenris and Aveline played Diamondback.

"Honestly, kitten, you would think after all this time together you would finally have gotten rid of some of that wide eyed innocence." Isabela said with a shake of her head.

"Innocence…oh, I see. It was something dirty. I never get the dirty stuff." She sighed. "Like earlier when Fenris said they needed alone time. I don't understand why you would need alone time together."

"So he could get lucky." Isabela answered her, cutting off her rambling. Merrill blinked a few times as understanding dawned in her green eyes. She looked over at me with a flush to her cheeks.

"Sorry, Hawke." She mumbled.

"No worries." I said and laid down my hand, quickly gathering up my winnings. "It was rather…hot that Fenris behaved a bit like a barbarian." I said dropping my voice to a whisper. Isabela's eyes lit up.

"Details, Hawke, and so help me, if you leave anything out, I will shout to the whole of Kirkwall about the Champion banging her elven lover!"

I glanced over at Fenris. He smiled at me before turning back to Aveline. "Well…let's just say, Fenris might not be experienced, but he knows what he wants. And he's not afraid to take it. Or demand it."

"Ooo. I like the sounds of that. All that strength and long, controlled body…umm…" Isabela said glancing over to eye Fenris. "You are a lucky woman, Hawke."

"I know." I smiled as Fenris narrowed his eyes at us. "But I'm not the only one. What's going on with you and a certain handsome rogue mage?"

Isabela's eyes betrayed her for a second before she gave me a mischievous look. "You sure you want to ask me for details?"

"Not the gory details. Just a brief rundown." I smiled back at her. She liked him. That was sweet and surprising.

"Well, I don't. I wouldn't understand it anyway." Merrill sighed and leaned her elbows on the table.

"Poor kitten. Hawke now that our needs are being seen to, we need to find a man for our sweet little friend here." Isabela said eyeing Merrill. Merrill leaned back quickly and waved her hands.

"Oh, no! Not me. I wouldn't know what to do or say and I would babble away about some mundane thing and drive the man crazy…"

"You're rambling." I said with a smile.

She sighed and nodded. "See? I would just be happy to have a map of Kirkwall. I keep ending up in strange places."

"Oh, but a man can do so much more than a map could." Isabela teased her. Merrill shook her head.

"So Hawke, have you thought about what I asked earlier?" Merrill asked changing the topic.

"Um…" I didn't want to admit that I hadn't even really heard her. I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

Isabela laughed. "You'll have to jog her memory, kitten. She's been thoroughly ravished so her minds a bit fuzzy." Isabela winked at me as I looked at her gratefully.

"She was…oh. Dirty again." Merrill sighed and then proceeded to talk about her strange elven mirror. The thing gave me a bad feeling, but Merrill wouldn't listen to anyone about it.

"So it wouldn't take too long." She said looking at me hopefully.

"Merrill, I don't know." She hung her head for a moment, her eyes hurt. I sighed. "It's not that I don't want to help you. It's just that a trip to Sundermount would take a couple of days. I can't leave Lea that long yet. Can it wait just a bit longer? Maybe a couple of weeks?"

She looked back up at me and bounced a bit in excitement. "Oh, thank you, Hawke! I knew I could count on you. That's fine. Just knowing that you'll help me is enough. I can wait."

I smiled at her though I was worried about this. But I helped all my friends, even when that help made me question what they were truly up to. I glanced over at Anders thinking of his mission I had agreed to help him with tonight. I was leaving Fenris with Lea as it shouldn't take too long and Fenris would never approve of it. I wasn't so sure what he was really up to, but I wasn't going to let him down.

I felt like I had been letting them all down recently. Even Kirkwall. I had been holed up and wrapped up in myself and Lea for a year now. It was time to start getting out again. It was time to start helping again. I had been shocked to hear some of the things going on. I had been so safe and cozy here it was easy to forget the world went on outside these walls.

Aveline had mentioned it would be good for the people to see their Champion out and about again. I had worried about leaving Lea, but Fenris had suggested taking her with us. Just a walk around the market like we used to do when I was first pregnant with her. Maybe it was time. Kirkwall had yet to see Lea. If we took Bandit with us, we would be just fine. Still the thought of it worried me.

-0-

I trudged back home as the pitch black of night was giving way to the grey of morning. Anders said he would need my help again in a couple of days. I wasn't so sure I was ever going to help him again. That was…words couldn't even describe the horror that had accompanied that. I didn't think I would ever be able to breath again. We had swam in the ocean on our way back, trying to rid the lingering stench of sewers, but I feared it would never leave.

I slipped into the bathing chamber, careful to keep quiet. Fenris was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him up. I dropped the armor wondering if I was going to have to burn it. I filled the tub to brimming and slipped into it, letting the hot water alleviate the last remnants of pain from the wounds Anders had healed. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the tub edge.

I jumped as hands touched my shoulders. I looked up into Fenris' worried eyes. "You reek." He said.

I laughed. "Nice to see you too."

"Lila, what did he have you do?" He demanded moving to my armor. He tentatively held it out. "The smell may never come out of this."

I sighed and dunked under the water, wetting my hair. I came back up to find him taking my armor out of the room. He returned a few minutes later, a scowl still on his face. He shook his head before perching on the edge of the tub.

"What did you do with my armor?" I asked reaching up to interlace my fingers with his.

"I put it outside on the balcony. Don't worry, it won't get damaged or taken. But that smell…" He made a face and then turned back to me in question.

"He needed to collect some stuff for some potion." I answered.

"In what? The sewers?" He asked.

"And the Bone Pit."

"You went to the Bone Pit at night, without me?" He demanded pulling his hand from mine and gripping my shoulders tightly.

"I'm fine, Fenris. See? Whole and home."

"Why didn't you let me go with you?"

"Because you would have fought with him about it."

"With good reason. He can't drag you around into places like that at night. What's so important about this potion?"

"He said he found some potion that would help him separate from Justice." I said repeating what Anders had told me. I doubted it was the truth, but I wasn't going to tell that to Fenris.

He scoffed. "The only thing that will separate them is death. Do you honestly believe there is a potion?" I looked away from him guiltily. "So you didn't believe him, but helped him anyway. What if he's doing something evil? What if the demon has finally won?"

"Fenris, Justice isn't a demon."

"Don't start with that. Answer the question, Lila. Why would you help him if you didn't believe him?"

"Because he's my friend and he needed help. He said it was better if I didn't know anymore."

"And that didn't tip you off? Did you give him blood?"

"He swore it wasn't a blood ritual. And I do believe that."

"Lila." He said and closed his eyes, looking pained.

"Fenris, I'm tired. I don't want to fight about this. Can we please not do this now?"

He looked like he was going to argue, but sharply inclined his head. He tilted my head up to look at me. "Are you injured?"

"Not anymore. Just a bit sore. And as you so sweetly put it, reek." I smiled at him.

"You don't smell so bad. Though I think your armor is ruined." He said trailing a finger along my shoulder.

"Well, if you will give me a few moments, I can finish bathing and then I'll see if it can be salvaged."

"Leave it. I'll deal with it later. Lean forward." He ordered as he picked up a linen and got it wet before grabbing the soap.

"Why?" I asked watching him.

"I was thinking it would be more enjoyable for me to help you." I wrapped my hand around his wrist, holding him still. He looked at me worriedly. "Or I could leave you. I shouldn't have intruded."

I didn't release him when he attempted to tug away from me. "Or you could just join me." I said and jerked him hard, managing to surprise him enough that he didn't offer any resistance and he crashed into the tub with me, clothes and all.

"Lila!" He protested for a second before I kissed him. He watched me through narrowed eyes as he pulled back and stood up.

I ran my hands up his legs smiling at him, doing my best to look innocent as he glared at me. Then his eyes shifted from irritated to predatory. I felt a tremor of thrill go through me. Maker, I hoped he never stopped looking at me like that.

"Perhaps your idea does have more pleasure to offer." He said hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his pants.

I leaned back against the tub wall, watching him. "It could. But you are awfully overdressed for a bath."

I bit my lip as he quickly managed to strip out of his pants and smalls. I was amazed at the grace of him as he made it look effortless, standing in water with sopping wet clothing clinging to his muscled frame. He lowered himself into the water and jerked me forward. I went willingly and wrapped my legs around his waist. I shamelessly ground against him.

"Yes, I am definitely liking your plan more." He said wrapping a fist in my hair and pulling my head back so he could nip at my neck. "Still feeling tired?" He asked smugly as I shifted trying to bring him into me.

"Shut up, Broody or I'll banish you from my tub." I pouted. He smirked and drove up into me. All thoughts fled but the feeling of him in me and around me as he cradled me close. I could definitely get used to this.

We finished bathing and playing as the water grew too cold to stand. The sun was just beginning to brighten the sky as we climbed into bed. He pulled me tightly against him and kissed me gently.

"Did you still want to take Lea to the market today?" He asked.

I sighed and snuggled close to him. "It's time for her to see this crazy city we live in. But for now, I'm going to sleep."


	42. Chapter 42

**Fenris**

I slipped out of bed a few hours later. Lila was still asleep. I wanted to stay right there in bed with her, but I knew I should get up and check on Lea and the house. Orana was just coming from the nursery with Lea. Lea's cheeks had tears on them as she chewed the leather doll. I held my hands out for her and took her from Orana.

"Why didn't we hear the rune?" I asked her as it was obvious Lea had been crying.

She looked away from me. "I saw Mistress come in so early this morning. I thought I should let her sleep so I stayed in the nursery and moved the rune out of it. Did I do a bad thing?"

I glanced down at Lea who still seemed a bit pouty. "No, Orana. That was kind of you. I'll take her if you wouldn't mind making up some of that porridge stuff for her."

"It's already made, Master Fenris. I sat it out to cool for her." She answered.

"Thank you, Orana. And don't call me master." I said for the millionth time. I didn't know why I still bothered. She refused to call me anything else.

I fed Lea, though I was fairly certain we were wearing more than she had eaten. I carried her up to her room and cleaned her up. "Want to go and wake Mommy, little one?" I asked. She babbled happily.

Lila was still asleep when we entered the room. She shifted as the door shut. She spotted us and smiled. "There's my favorite people." She said as she held her hands out to us. Lea laughed happily and bounced. I handed her off to Lila and climbed into bed as Lila cuddled Lea. "Someone is in a good mood this morning." She said. "Are you ready to go and meet the world?"

"She's fed and cleaned." I answered as I pulled them into my arms.

"I can tell she's been fed." Lila said smiling at me, mischief lighting up her eyes.

"How?" I asked narrowing my eyes at her.

"You have a bit of porridge in your hair." She turned back to Lea and noisily kissed her neck causing Lea to squeal. "Did you try and feed Fenris, little one?"

"She did make quite a mess. I'll go and get cleaned up. Do you feel up to going out today?" I asked watching her as she played patty cakes with Lea.

"Yep. Thank you for letting me sleep."

"Well, you needed sleep. Especially after this morning." I smirked as she flushed, giving me a look.

"Behave or there won't be a repeat performance." She taunted. I stole a kiss before heading off to get ready for the day as well.

Before too long we were all ready to go. Lila had forgone her armor, deciding it would be easier to handle Lea without it. I teased her that she just didn't want to see if it still smelled. She still seemed nervous and declined when I offered to take Lea. I was fine with this. It would free me up if a need arose to defend them. I doubted we would have any trouble, but I wanted to be ready just in case. Bandit nudged Lila and gave her a questioning bark as she paused at the door.

"Are we sure this is right? Maybe we should wait." Lila said worriedly. Bandit gave her an irritated bark. "I know that you are going with us and I know that you love her too. I'm just…" She sighed. "Being a new mommy again." She said giving me an apologetic look. I kissed her temple.

"It is going to be fine. When it's over you will wonder why we haven't done it sooner. It will be good to get out of the house for something other than fighting, wouldn't you agree?" I asked.

"Right. It's time. This has just been a nice escape from it all. If we go out those doors, this little world is over."

I turned her to me and wrapped my arms around them. "Lila, nothing will change what we have. You, me, and Lea will always have this little world. It might be interrupted more and the city will probably call on it's Champion now, but this won't change at all."

"And there you go trying to make me emotional." She smiled at me.

"Yeah, me too." I said realizing it was her way of telling me how she felt. She smiled at me and nodded. I opened the door and we stepped out of the estate.

Lea's eyes were wide as she looked around. Lila leaned into me as I wrapped my arm around her. She nodded and I guided her towards the market. Lea smiled at anyone who looked towards us. Bandit trotted along the other side of Lila and gave a warning growl to anyone who ventured too close to them.

Lila began to relax a bit and even smiled as we spotted the rune maker who was an old acquaintance of Lila back from her smuggling days. He beamed as we approached. "Well if it isn't my favorite Champion and a tiny little doll!" He said as Lila stopped to speak with him. "Hello, little angel. You look just like your mommy." Lea beamed at him as he moved closer.

"Worthy, this is Lea." She smiled at Lea who was leaning towards the dwarf. "Do you want to hold her?"

"I would love to." He smiled and took Lea. Lea promptly latched onto his beard. He sighed contentedly. "Brings back memories of when mine were little." I glanced around as the two of them visited. Everyone was making note of Lila, but no one was doing anything that looked suspicious. I spotted Anso as he nervously hovered in the shadows. I sighed.

Lila looked at me quickly. "Fenris?" She asked. I gave her a smile.

"Nothing's wrong. Just saw someone I need to go and speak with. Will you be alright for a moment?"

She nodded slowly, suspicion in her eyes. "Go take care of your mystery stuff. You just don't get to argue about me helping Anders anymore if you are going to be all secretive too."

"Lila, I…" She waved me off.

"Go, Fenris. It's fine." I was going to take her at her word. I hurried away, glancing back a few times before moving to Anso.

"Speak quickly." I said as soon as I got to him.

"She's here. Got in a short time ago. She says she's going to stay a week. She'll be at the Hanged Man."

"She's not supposed to be here for another week and a half!" I protested. Damn it. Things were good with Lila right now. This was going to complicate things. I had thought I would have more time to casually bring it up.

"The ship made good time. Weather's been good." He shrugged.

"Any sign of anyone following her?" I asked quickly. Lila had Lea back and was moving to us. Hubert caught her as she started past him. It was good. He was her partner in the Bone Pit. It would keep her a few minutes.

"Not that my contacts noticed." He answered glancing around.

"And you are sure they are watching closely?" He seemed even more nervous than normal.

"Yes. Been watching the ports. Checking all the ships that come in. And we've been watching her. Want us to continue to keep an eye on her?"

"No."

"So?"

"I'll find a time to meet with her. Thank you for your help." I said as Lila resumed moving to us. She joined us and smiled at Anso.

"Well, Anso, it is nice to see you again." She smiled at him. I was surprised she remembered him from their brief meeting.

"And you, Hawke…Champion. You are looking lovely. And I must say the small one is as pretty as you are." He said inclining his head to her.

"I have to thank you for that job that was all a big lie all those years ago." She said forcing him to look back at her. He wrung his hands nervously, but she turned and smiled at me as she handed Lea to me. "If you hadn't given me the job, I wouldn't have met Fenris."

"Oh! Well…so you two are…well, that's good. Happy for you both. I…should get going. It's been good catching up." Anso said looking slightly ill. I narrowed my eyes as I watched him. He was up to something. I just wasn't sure what it was yet.

"That was odd. Though the last time I met him he said he worried about falling up into the sky, so I guess odd is normal for him." She said smiling at me. "So want to tell me what that was all about?"

"We need to talk, but it will wait until we get to the house." I said shifting my eyes away from hers as she looked at me.

"Fenris, is something wrong?" She asked quietly.

"No. Not really. Just…let's go back home. I'll explain it all then." I said turning to her. She nodded slowly and wrapped her arm around mine.

"Is this alright?" She asked.

"Wanting to show Kirkwall that you're with me?" I asked trying to be casual about it, but that was what I wanted. I wanted those noble bastards who were eyeing her to know she was off limits.

"Yep. I want those damned women to stop ogling you. I'm letting them all know that you are spoken for."

"Women?" I asked glancing around noticing several women looking at us. They had been all this time, but I was sure it was because a elf with strange markings was something they thought didn't belong here.

I glanced down at Lila as she made an irritated noise. "Yes, Fenris. The women have been eyeing you."

"They are probably wondering if I'm going to steal something. I am rather conspicuous here." I said watching her as she narrowed her eyes at the women.

"Nope. They've been talking and giggling. Trust me, you stealing isn't what they are wondering about."

"Lila, no one can hold a candle to you." I said oddly pleased with this bit of jealousy.

She smiled up at me. "You better remember that because I doubt any can wield a dagger as well as I can." She stiffened as she faced forward again. The Grand Cleric was making her way to us. Lila quickly took Lea back from me and clutched her tightly to her. Shifting her body slightly so she was between Lea and the Grand Cleric.

I was puzzled by this. We hadn't told Lila about the Grand Cleric's apparent involvement and she had always seemed to rather like the woman. I wrapped my arm tightly around Lila and pulled her against me as the Grand Cleric stopped in front of us.

"Hawke, it is so good to see you out. It has been too long since I've seen you. And this must be your little Lea." She said smiling at Lea. For once, Lea didn't smile back. She seemed to sense her mother's nerves and watched the woman intently.

"Grand Cleric." Lila inclined her head.

"How have you been?" The Grand Cleric tried again.

"Fine." Lila answered.

"I do wish you would let us christen the baby. It's not too late, you know. We could still perform the ceremony." She offered.

"I wasn't christened and I am fine. Thank you, but no." Lila said growing tenser.

The Grand Cleric's eyes shifted to me, taking note of how I was holding them. "We should take Lea home. It's close to naptime." I said as Lila continued to watch the Grand Cleric.

"Hawke, I think we should talk about all of this. Sebastian didn't want to hurt you. He was misguided in his actions, but he does love you and Lea very much. I really think…" She started, but Lila cut her off as she handed Lea back to me. Bandit growled as Lila stalked forward.

"That is none of your concern. What happened between us is over. I have said all that needed to be said." Lila snapped. She turned to me. "Let's go home."

"Hawke, you might have gotten to say what you wanted, but Sebastian needs to speak with you. He has the right to explain it." The Grand Cleric said as Lila pushed past her.

Lila froze in place and looked at the woman over her shoulder. "Sebastian lost any right to say anything to me the moment he drugged me."

"Hawke, be reasonable." She tried.

"I have been. He's still alive, isn't he? Stay away from me and my family, Grand Cleric. You do not want me as an enemy. If you need proof of that, look at what I did to the Arishok, and he was someone I liked." She held her hand out to me and I clasped it allowing her to pull us away from the market.

"Lila?" I asked as we neared the estate. She shook her head. I pulled her back to me and wrapped my arm around her.

"We can talk in the house." She said as she leaned into me a moment before pulling away and continuing to the house.

She took Lea from me when we got in and carried her upstairs. I waited in our room for her to finish feeding and laying her down. I wondered if I should wait until tomorrow to tell her about Varania. She was stressed enough right now.

She entered the room and shut the door behind her. She leaned against it and gave me a weak smile that never reached her eyes. "She was in on it, wasn't she?" She asked quietly.

"She knew about it when we confronted him. Whether it was that he had confessed it and went to her for help when you were going mad, or if she had previous knowledge we aren't sure." I answered.

"But you think she did." She said catching my tone. I nodded sharply as her knees buckled and she sank to the floor. "Sweet Maker. I knew she wanted us to get together, but I never thought she would have…Fenris, why did they do this to me?" She asked looking up at me. I moved to her quickly and pulled her into my arms.

"I don't know, Lila. Do you want us to find out?" I didn't know what to do for her. I just hoped she didn't start crying again. She leaned into me and shook her head.

"I want to forget it all. I've put it out of my mind, but now…" She sat up and looked at me. "See? Happy little world crashed." She pouted.

"I'm sorry, Lila. I didn't think about running into her. I didn't know that you would be uncomfortable around her."

"Not your fault. Just pouting." She said and laid her head down on my shoulder. She pulled back and frowned at me. "I forgot how spiky your armor is."

"I could change." I said watching her.

"I believe you should. And as much as I would love to take advantage of the fact that to change, you will be getting undressed, I think we need to talk about what was going on with you and Anso." She kissed my cheek as I frowned. She climbed to her feet and held her hand out to me. I allowed her to pull me up. "And then we can make full use of this big bed while Lea is napping."

I sighed and moved to change clothes. "I'm not so sure after we talk, you will want to."

"That bad, huh?" She asked moving to sit on the bed.

"No, well…I don't know." I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. I took a deep breath and began to tell her as I stripped out of my armor. She listened quietly and nodded slowly when I finished.

"This is a good thing, isn't it? You wanted to see her, right?" She asked standing up and moving closer to me.

"Yes. I think so. I don't know." I answered.

Lila took my hand and kissed my cheek. "It will be alright."

"You aren't mad that I kept quiet about it?" I asked worriedly. She shook her head and hugged me.

"I get it. You're a private person. This was too personal for you to share before."

"Thank you for understanding. I just didn't know what to expect and I still don't know what I want." I sighed. I ran my hand through her hair absently. "Will you go with me? It might be a trap. I don't think it is, but…" I looked away from her. I didn't think it was a trap, I just couldn't face my past without her beside me.

She cupped my cheek and her eyes told me she saw through me. "Of course. I would love to meet this sister of yours. Do you want to go today?"

"No. She just got in. Maybe we could go tomorrow. Leave Lea with Bethany?" I asked.

She nodded and kissed me quickly. "Sounds like a plan." She turned and started for the door.

"I thought you wanted to make use of the bed while Lea napped." I said hoping that didn't come out as whiny as it sounded to me.

She smiled at me over her shoulder. "You withheld something from me. I'm withholding something from you."


	43. Chapter 43

**Sebastian**

I had never been so happy to see the city of Kirkwall rise up in the distance. Soon my loves, I thought. Soon I would be with my bride and daughter again. It had been a long six months setting everything to rights in Starkhaven. The bandit and mercenary problem was in hand at least for the moment. And the palace was prepared for my return with it's new princesses.

Each day away from them had been agony. Lea would be growing up. That one short moment with her wasn't enough. I looked forward to getting to take them home. In Starkhaven there would be no one to take their time away from me.

I knew Hawke and I still needed to talk, but she would have had time to cool down now. She will realize how much she missed me by now. I would explain that I had done it for her and Lea. She would understand and forgive me. I would forgive her and then set the servants to packing things up. I would book a lavish carriage to take my family home in.

Once we were in Starkhaven we would find a nanny for Lea and I would get to spend some time showing Hawke all the things life had to offer for a princess. She would never again have to lift a dagger. She was going to be pampered and spoiled. We would ride through the woods in the mornings, hunt in the afternoons. Spend the evening with Lea before retiring to our suite and making love late into the night.

It was going to be perfect. Our love would inspire bards. Stories of us would be told throughout the lands. We would show others what following the Maker looked like.

This was my dream for us, but I wasn't foolish. Not this time. I had come up with a backup plan as well. Hawke was a stubborn woman after all. If she was still being foolish, I would take them by force. I had men in place, waiting my word. They would storm the house and take her and Lea. I would meet them farther away from the city and we would return to Starkhaven.

The palace was ready. Be it to keep her a prisoner or keep her as my princess. I had a tower room constructed that would keep even my gifted Hawke locked away. I had made those rooms in it as lavish as our suite. I would spoil her into submission if need be. No one was going to keep me from my family this time.

It was evening by the time I finally managed to make the city. I stabled my horse at the nicest stable close to Hightown. Horses weren't allowed in the city here. It was going to be a nice change for Hawke in Starkhaven. She had confessed to me once that she loved the beast, but had never been afforded the opportunity to ride. It was a problem I was soon going to rectify.

I made my way through Hightown, anxious to return to them. As I moved through the closing markets I heard the murmuring. It seemed my beautiful Hawke had made an appearance today with our little daughter. Lea had managed to charm the city as easily as her mother had it seemed as tales were told of her bright eyes and happy smile.

It was a sign for me. I had waited long enough. Lea was old enough to travel now. Hawke was ready to as well. Soon, my loves, we will be going home, I thought quickening my step.

I was heading straight for her house when I spotted Elthina talking with a messenger. I moved towards them and listened as she told the man it was urgent and he had to get a message to Starkhaven right away.

"Maybe I can just take the message." I said smiling as she whirled around to face me. She smiled and moved to take my hand.

"Sebastian, you're back. Are things settled in Starkhaven?" She glanced around nervously.

"For the moment. What's so urgent?"

"We should go to the Chantry and speak." She said quickly.

"So I'm not needed now?" The messenger asked.

"No, child. Thank you for your services." Elthina inclined her head to him. She wrapped her arm around mine as we started walking.

"Elthina, I would be happy to come and speak with you, but I am most anxious to see my family. Can it wait?"

"Sebastian, it would be best if we discussed this in my office." She said quietly.

I pulled to a stop. "Has something happened? Are they alright?"

She held onto my arm as I started to pull away. "They are fine. There's just been a bit of a development. Come with me and we can talk." She tugged on me until I followed along with her. We entered the Chantry and headed straight for her office. She closed the door, motioning me to sit down.

"As by now I'm sure you've heard that they made an appearance today in the markets." Elthina started.

"Yes. Seems my beauties caused quite a stir." I said smiling at the image. It was hard to picture what Lea looked like after only getting to see her once when she was first born.

"Yes. Lea is a beautiful little doll. She looks just like her mother. She has a beautiful smile that she flashes around to any who look at her. She babbles sweetly as well."

"So you've gotten to spend time with them since your last letter?" I asked. Elthina had been keeping me up to date on things here in Kirkwall. She said Hawke hadn't left the house much and hadn't been to the Chantry at all.

"I watched them in the market before I made my way over to speak with them. It didn't go as well as I would have liked."

"What do you mean?" I asked worriedly. Surely Hawke wasn't still mad.

"She is hurt and angry, Sebastian. She told me to stay away from her family. I tried to reason with her to hear you out, but she refused."

"She's still angry?" I asked frowning. Damn the stubborn woman. I had wanted to do this nicely.

"She's only heard their version, Sebastian. She doesn't understand why you did as you did. She doesn't understand what her future is."

"Then I will explain it." I said and started to stand up.

"Wait, Sebastian. There is more. Please sit back down." Elthina said and looked down at her desk sadly.

"What is it?"

"It appears she and the elf are involved."

"Involved in what?"

"Sebastian, it seems she's with him."

I stared at her dumbfounded. No. It couldn't be. She was mine. Elthina was wrong. She had to be. "What do you mean she's with the elf?" I sat down heavily.

"They seemed…familiar." She said slowly.

"Define familiar." I snapped.

"Well, he was holding her or the baby the entire time I watched them in the market." She frowned as I jumped to my feet. "Sebastian, think. Don't act rashly!"

"You tell me to give her time. You tell me not to tell her that Lea is mine. Look at what listening to you has gotten me. I should have just taken them with me six months ago. I will kill that blasted elf before I allow him near her. She is mine. Lea is mine." I started for the door, but she blocked it.

"Do you want her to hate you? She's mad and hurt, Sebastian. Please don't make things worse with fighting with the elf. If she is with him, there is nothing you can do about it that won't make the situation worse." Elthina pleaded with me.

"Move."

"Sebastian."

"Move, Elthina, or I will move you." I said quietly.

"This isn't right, Sebastian. You have to think about what the Maker would want." She pleaded as she moved away from the door.

"The Maker gave her to me. He wants me to have her. I've waited as long as I'm going to. Now I'm going to take what is mine."

I stormed out of the Chantry and headed straight for Hawke's estate. I was taking them home and that was the end of things. If I had to kill Fenris, then I would. If I had to lock Hawke away, I would. But this had gone on long enough. It was time to claim what was rightfully mine.

I entered the estate. She hadn't changed the locks. This gave me hope. Maybe Elthina had misunderstood things. Maybe Fenris was simply her bodyguard. I paused in the shadows of the foyer and watched Lila as she played in the floor with our daughter. The lights of the room giving their hair a copper sheen.

Lea laughed and waved her little arms around as Hawke sang a silly song to her and did some sort of hand motions. Lea clutched a strange looking leather doll and began to chew it while she sleepily rubbed her eyes.

"It's been a big day, huh, little one?" Hawke asked her. "Your first day out in the city. Someday, little one, I'll take you out to the country. Show you the wonders to be found away from a city." Hawke said as she pulled her into her arms and kissed her cheek. "But for now, I think it's bedtime."

Fenris appeared and moved into the room. The change in him was astounding. Gone was the hunched over, nervous elf and in his place stood the warrior he was in battle. Tall and proud. He wore normal britches and a tunic. He smiled a full and bright smile as he moved to them.

"Is little one ready to go down?" He asked and held his hands out. Lea babbled and leaned towards him, smiling a sleepy smile.

"Yep. All worn out." Hawke said and smiled at him as he clutched Lea close.

I wanted to walk in there and rip her out of his arms, but it would upset Hawke and Lea. I would wait. Hawke would put Lea to bed and then I could approach her. The dwarves must have had Bandit outside or he was back at the barracks since he hadn't alerted them to my presence yet.

"And what of her mother?" He asked and held a hand out to her after settling Lea on one side. Hawke clasped his hand and allowed him to pull her to her feet. She smiled a sweet smile that was a kick in the gut.

"She's a bit tired but not quite ready for bed yet." Hawke smiled at him over her shoulder as he started to follow her up the stairs. I was forced to move out of the shadows a bit to watch them as they paused on the second floor landing.

"Does this mean she's forgiven me for earlier?" Fenris asked pulling her to a stop outside what had been my room.

"All forgiven. I told you I understood, I was just a little hurt that after all of this you still wouldn't tell me."

"I swear I won't keep things from you again." He said looking at her earnestly. She cupped his face in her hands and stood on tiptoe. She placed a kiss on his lips and smiled at him.

"I know." She placed a kiss on Lea's cheek and then moved back. "Would you mind putting her to bed for me? I'll make sure everything is in it's place and locked up. I'll met you in our room."

"So no more withholding?" He asked watching her. She shook her head. "Then I will see you in a bit."

Rage filled me. She was sleeping with that bastard. She was sleeping with him in the bed we had conceived Lea in. She was sleeping with him with our daughter in the house. How dare she!

I calmed as she made her way down the stairs towards me. I would hear her out. Maybe this was nothing more than a way to get revenge on me. Hurt me like I had hurt her. Whatever it was, it didn't matter. She was mine. She would learn this.


	44. Chapter 44

**Hawke**

I had spotted Sebastian out of the corner of my eye. I had to remain calm and unconcerned or risk him and Fenris fighting again. That was the last thing I wanted. I hoped I had used enough suggestion to keep Fenris thinking of sex and not the fact that it was odd that I wouldn't put Lea down with him. I glanced back to make sure the nursery was shut before hurrying into the foyer.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed as he glared at me. His arms were crossed and he leaned against a wall.

"Hello to you as well, Hawke. Good to see you're doing well. I've missed you too." He snapped.

"Don't start, Sebastian. You lost any right to be angry or hurt. What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you and Lea." He said and pushed away from the wall.

"I think I made it clear that you weren't welcome here anymore." I said refusing to back up. I wasn't the pregnant and frightened girl anymore, damn it, I was Champion of Kirkwall. And I would protect my family with everything I had.

"Hawke, we need to talk. We can work past this. I'll even forgive you for your indiscretion with the elf." He said in that patronizing tone that infuriated me.

"My indiscretion?" I laughed. "What I do is no longer your concern, Sebastian. Leave my house now."

"Not until we've talked. You will hear me out." He said towering over me.

"No, I won't. This is my house, Sebastian. You are not the viscount of Kirkwall, I owe you nothing. Get out before Fenris realizes something's wrong."

"You're right. You were supposed to be the viscountess, but you ruined it. I've been patient and lenient with you, Hawke, but my patience is at an end. I've let you ruin our future as much as I'm going to. It is time for me to show you your place. You belong to me. Lea belongs to me. The Maker gave you to me, and it is time for you to come home."

"Sebastian, this is crazy. I don't belong to you. I'm not going anywhere with you."

"We can do this nicely or not. The choice is yours." He said coldly.

"You need to leave. Stay away from my family." I said and turned to leave the room. He was starting to scare me. He grabbed my arm and jerked me back around.

"You want me to treat you like the whore you've become? That's fine. I'll break you of this one way or another." I swung as he pulled me around adding my momentum to my swing and slapped him as hard as I could. He staggered back and clutched his reddened cheek.

"I'm not that naïve pregnant girl who trusted you, you son of a bitch. Get out now!" I said standing my ground and glaring at him.

"You want to play rough?" He snarled and before I could register the danger I was in he slammed me to the wall and began squeezing my neck. I was stunned for a second, but quickly gained my wits. I was thankful to all the hand to hand that Fenris had been working on me with.

I jabbed him twice in his vulnerable underarm just as Fenris had taught me when faced with an armored opponent. It loosened his grip on me enough for me to be able to knee him in his unprotected groin. I had always thought his armor ridiculous, but it was proving to be to my advantage as he stumbled back a bit giving me room to try and run.

I must not have hit him as hard as I thought I had or he recovered quicker from the groin blow than I anticipated. He swung and backhanded me. Pain blossomed through my head and ribs as I crashed into the wall and then bounced off one of the benches before hitting the floor. He was on me quicker than I would have thought possible.

He pulled me up by my hair before slamming me back into the wall face first. His weight keeping me pinned to it. My arms were pinned behind me, between us. His breastplate digging into my unarmored body painfully. It was hard to breath past the pain in my ribs, darkness danced at the edges of my vision.

"You are mine, Hawke. The sooner you accept this, the easier it will all be. I only want to take care of you and Lea. I want us to have the life we're meant to have. Stop fighting me." He hissed in my ear.

"Sebastian, please…" I begged trying to think about how to get out of this hold.

"You've hurt me, love. Sleeping with that bastard. But we'll get past it. Once I have you safely home we can work on earning each others trust again." He kissed my cheek and I quickly turned away. He pressed tighter to me. "Do not turn from me again. I will not tolerate it. You belong to me. I will have you however and whenever I want."

"She isn't yours!" Fenris roared as he slammed into Sebastian. I started to fall as the pressure of Sebastian was suddenly off of me. Fenris caught me and whirled me behind him. His arm supporting me against his back. I wrapped my arms around him as he glowed.

"Fenris, don't." I begged holding him tightly. Sebastian surged to his feet and whirled to face him.

"Still thinking you are anything but a substitute for me?" Sebastian taunted him and wiped the blood from his lip.

"Still breathing I see. I could fix that for you." Fenris ducked his head and gave Sebastian the look that made my blood run cold. I tightened my grip on him. I didn't want Fenris to kill Sebastian. It would be hard to make the Prince of Starkhaven disappear and not have us linked to it.

"I hope you enjoy my leftovers while you can. She will be back in my bed before too long. She belongs by my side. And if anyone is going to die tonight, it will be you. I have the Maker on my side."

"What do you mean be back in your bed?" I demanded. Fenris' grip tightened on me as I started around him.

Sebastian glanced at me then. "Hawke, I can…"

"You son of a bitch! You were drugging me so you could sleep with me?" I snapped and struggled against Fenris' hold. Screw it. He was dying.

"It's not what you think. I love you, Hawke. I would never do anything against your will."

"Other than drug her." Fenris scoffed.

I heard Bohdan, Sandal, and Bandit enter the house before anything else could be said. They had been out in the gardens. Bandit began barking as he entered the main hall. He entered the foyer, growling and baring his fangs as he moved towards us. Sandal followed and growled as well. Bohdan looked at each of us for a moment.

"Do you wish me to summon the city guards?" He asked casually.

"No. Sebastian was just leaving." I said eyeing him coldly.

Sebastian narrowed his eyes at Fenris. "This isn't over."

"You're right. You're still alive. Don't come near her again. Either of them, Sebastian. She won't be able to stop me next time." Fenris warned.

**-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Fenris**

I pulled Lila around into my arms and tilted her chin up so I could look at her head. "Bohdan, go get Anders. Use the tunnels. It's quicker." I said as he started for the door Sebastian had just left through.

"I'm fine, Fenris. I don't need Anders." Lila tried to protest. She swayed when I loosened my grip on her. I arched my brow at her. She rolled her eyes and sighed. She then cringed. "Fine. Not so alright." She laid her head against my neck.

Bohdan nodded to me and rushed off to get the healer. I swept her up in my arms and carried her to our room. I sat her on the bed and knelt before her examining her bruises.

"What hurts?" I asked as I pushed her hair back to look at the bruise on her temple.

"What doesn't? He got me pretty good. I guess I need a bit more practice if choir boy could take me down." She laughed a bitter laugh. "Fenris, he's crazy. He thinks that I belong to him. He…" She trailed off and put a hand over her mouth as she tried to stop the sob. I shifted to the bed and pulled her into my arms. I held her as she tried to get herself under control. She stood up and began to pace angrily. "He was sleeping with me. That's what you were trying to tell me. That night when you told me about the potions and all."

"Lila, there's…" I started, but she wasn't listening to me as she paced. I was pleased her walk was more sure, but I was worried about what I was going to have to tell her now.

"How could he think that I wanted him if he had stripped my will from me? How could I refuse him if I had no will anymore? I thought he had started using the potions on me to stop our fighting, but it was worse than that, wasn't it? He's a twisted person. How could this happen? How could he do this?"

"Lila, please sit down." I tried again. If she didn't listen I was going to chicken out.

"I'm fine. Ribs are a bit sore. Head hurts a little, but mainly I'm pissed. That sorry bastard thinks he can do whatever he wants and hide behind the Maker. How could he possibly think that the Maker would be alright with this? Fenris, he basically…" I moved to her and pulled her to a stop.

"Lila, please sit down. We need to talk." She tried to jerk away from me as I held her arms.

"No! Fenris, don't. I can't handle this. I can't do this. Please." She begged and started to collapse. I pulled her into my arms and held her as she cried in earnest. I carried her back to the bed and she curled into my arms. "He took my will and…he used me…why?" She cried brokenly.

"What happened?" Anders demanded bursting in. Isabela and Bohdan were hot on his heals. Lila didn't even bother to sit up or try to stop sobbing.

"Sebastian." I said quietly.

"Sweetheart, tell me what hurts." Anders said dropping to his knees in front of us. She curled tighter to me and shook her head.

"Can't you just heal her?" I asked tightening my grip on her. He nodded and closed his eyes. His magic was cool as it washed over us, the effects causing my marks to sting but I didn't care.

"The ribs are going to be a bit sore, but they aren't broken." He said after a moment. He placed his hand on her head and she started.

"Don't." I shook my head as he tried to touch her again. I glanced down at her. "Lila, can Anders cast a sleep spell on you?" She pulled back enough to look up at me.

"I…don't want to dream, but…"

"I won't leave you. I'll get the crib and move Lea in here with us. I'll keep you both safe. I swear it."

She watched me a moment before nodding. I glanced at Anders who nodded as he began to glow. Lila went limp in my arms. I shifted her around to put her in bed. I tucked the covers around her and pushed her hair back from her face. I was pleased to see the bruise already fading on her temple.

"What did he do?" Isabela asked.

"He told her he'd been sleeping with her." I tried to push away the anger and fear as I thought of seeing her pinned, struggling against him. "I don't know how long they had been fighting before I got there. He had her pinned to the wall."

"How did he get in?" Anders asked.

"He did have a key when he was living here. I didn't think about getting the locks changed." Bohdan said wringing his hands nervously. "I'll see to it in the morning, Master Fenris. Forgive me."

"This isn't your fault, Bohdan. But please see to the locks as soon as you can." I nodded to him.

"Does she know about…" Isabela trailed off and nodded her head towards the nursery. I shook my head.

"I was trying to tell her, but she was too panicked. She thinks he started using the potions when they started fighting."

"What are we going to do?" Anders asked looking grim.

"She didn't want me to fight him, but I fear death is the only thing going to stop him. He was talking about her belonging to him when I found them." I shook my head, working at unclenching my fist.

"Are you going to tell her about Lea?" Anders asked.

I hung my head. "I have to. She should have known a long time ago."

"She cares a great deal about you, Fenris. She won't hold it against you." Isabela tried to comfort me, but I feared it was empty words. Lila was going to be devastated.

"I could tell her." Anders offered.

"No. It has to come from me." I said and stood up. "Will you stay with her while I move Lea in here?"

"You stay with Lila. We'll get the crib and move Lea." Isabela said and tugged on Anders' arm. "We'll speak with the others in the morning. We'll figure out what to do about him. And we can tell her all together. We were all in on keeping it from her. You don't have to carry this alone, Fenris."

"I think it would be better coming from me. I appreciate the offer, but I'll tell her. Have the others all meet here in the morning. We'll figure out what to do about him then." I nodded to her.

I watched Lila as she slept. She didn't look peaceful as she normally did. She had curled up tightly a worried look marring her features. I feared what was going to happen to our happy little world now. Would she look at me the same way she had him? Would she blame me for keeping this from her? It was another thing I had withheld from her.

I started as I thought it. Damn it. We were going to meet with Varania tomorrow. We would have to put it off. There was no way she was going to be up to anything like that. Maybe I could find some time later in the week to meet up with my long lost sister. If not…well, it didn't matter. Lila and Lea mattered more.


	45. Chapter 45

**Hawke**

I woke the next morning feeling well rested. My ribs were a bit sore, but nothing I couldn't handle. My mind and heart were another matter all together. I could feel Fenris' even breathing against my back, his arm lightly wrapped around my waist. I took comfort in his presence, but it didn't stop the angry whirl of thoughts.

Sebastian had been sleeping with me. I had known that I wasn't a virgin when Fenris and I got together. I did have Lea after all. But I had thought it was just that one time with the slavers. I didn't realize that Sebastian had been using me. I felt dirty and used. Like my body was no longer my own.

What sick game was he playing at? How could he possibly think that I would be alright with any of this? How could he still think that I would forgive him for this and take him back?

I wasn't sure what to do now. I didn't want to leave here. Not yet. I wanted to someday return to Ferelden, but a sea trip with little Lea would be tough. And I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of driving me from my home. But we couldn't chance him coming back around.

Maybe I should just go and kill him. Maybe I could take him outside of the city. Convince him that I wanted to talk. Once we were far enough away, kill him. I could leave him in one of the slavers caves or maybe take him to the Bone Pit. There were always creatures there. They could eat his body and cover up my crime.

I felt sick even thinking it. I wasn't a murderer. I didn't do things like that. But I didn't know what else to do. Reasoning wasn't going to work with him. I couldn't even appeal to the Chantry for aid. Elthina had known to some extent what he was doing. Maybe it was a big conspiracy. Maybe they were wanting to use me. To what end I wasn't sure. They didn't need me to rule Kirkwall. The Chantry pretty much was running the city as it was. I sighed. Now I sounded like Anders.

I thought of the man I thought I had known. Sebastian had been kind and gentle. An easy smile and kind word for everyone. His spirit had been so soothing that you wanted to be near him. He had been gentle in his corrections and teachings as we had spent time together.

He had even been like this when he had first moved in with me. Tender and giving, lovingly tending to not only my needs, but my wants as I tried to deal with my unexpected pregnancy and the trauma associated with it's development. He had been supportive until one day everything started changing.

He had started growing impatient and angry when we discussed the Chantry or mages. He started acting rude and condescending to my friends. He started pushing me to take the viscountess seat and stop supporting the mages. What had happened to him?

Lea woke and began babbling. She was such a sweet and happy baby, but even hearing her voice did nothing for the darkness that was eating away at me. What had he done to me? How often had he taken me? Would I start to remember his touch now? I wanted none of him. I tried to focus on the breathing and warmth of Fenris, but I was slipping away. A good imagination was a terrible thing at times.

"Breath, Lila." Fenris whispered behind me. He pulled closer to me.

It was what I needed. Not to breath, but the sentence to break the misery that was sweeping me under. I began laughing, only slightly hysterical. "What did I say would happen to the next person who said that to me?"

I felt him smile against my head. "Something about losing a piece of ones self. But seeing as you already have a piece of me, I felt safe in saying it."

I shifted to look at him confused. "What?"

"My heart. It was meant to be more romantic than it sounded it seems." He frowned and looked slightly embarrassed.

I smiled then. Despite how bad everything was, he was still trying. "If I wasn't in such a state, it would have been perfectly romantic. Sorry I messed it up." I cupped his cheek and tried to stay in the moment with him, but it was hard as thoughts nagged at me.

"Lila?" He asked watching me with those knowing green eyes.

"I keep thinking about him and I don't want to think of him. I don't want to remember his touch."

He looked worried. "Do you remember his touch?"

"I don't know. But I'm scared I will."

"Is my touching you bothering you? Do you want me to move away from you?" He asked and I could hear the pain in his tone as he said it.

I clutched tighter to him and shook my head. "No. Your holding me is the only thing keeping me together right now. I only want to remember your hands on me." I kissed him and sighed as Lea began to make protesting noises since we weren't getting her. "I should get up and take care of her."

He kissed me again and then climbed out of bed. "You stay right there. I'll give Lea to Orana. Bandit is downstairs guarding the door, but I'll make a sweep of the house. Then I'll be right back and we can talk."

"Fenris?" I called as he started for the door. "I don't want to talk. I need you."

He gave me a smile as he started out the door. "If it's a need, then I shall be most happy to see to it."

I laid back down and stared at the ceiling. I tried to think of anything but Sebastian, but it was next to impossible. I couldn't let him win though. I wasn't going to let him ruin my family. I wasn't going to let him control my life.

We had things to do. We had plans. I wasn't going to let him stop them. We would continue on as we had been. His return made no difference. If he came back, we would handle him then.

Fenris returned and shut the door behind him. "Orana is feeding Lea. The house is secure. The locksmith is changing the locks now. The others will be here in a little while. I really think we need to talk. There's something else I need to tell you." He started, but I pulled him to me and kissed him hard.

"I can't take anymore, Fenris. Make me remember no one but you. Make me yours." I begged.

He looked at me worriedly, but nodded. He kissed me and lead me back to the bed. "Command me to stop and I will." He promised.

-0-

Sometime later I laid curled in his arms. His hands lazily traced a pattern down my ribs. I sighed contentedly. "I could spend the rest of my life right here."

"Hmm. It does sound promising. Lila, not to break the spell, but the others were going to come over this morning to discuss the Sebastian problem. And there is something else I need to speak with you about." He tried again. I shifted around to look at him.

"Unless it deals with us going to see your sister, I don't want to hear it."

"She can wait. We have to decided what to do about Sebastian." Fenris pressed. I kissed him and climbed out of bed.

"We will continue as we have been. I don't want to think about him or any of that. Fenris, please. I can't. Not now. Let's just set about our days like normal. I will not let him win."

"Lila, I know you're hurting right now, but that doesn't change things. Burying your head in the sand about him won't make the problem go away."

"I know that. I'm not stupid. He won't try anything so soon and in the daylight. We'll ask Aveline to add a patrol in the day and night. I'll even pay for an extra group of the Coterie to surround the house. Yes, Fenris. I know about them." I said when he looked startled. "Bethany will be here with Thrask or Keran. We'll leave Bandit with them and Lea will be fine. We'll go and meet your sister. Invite her back here. We aren't going to spend the day worrying about that mad man. We are going to focus on our family. Now get dressed." I ordered and moved off to do the same.

"Lila, I don't know how much longer I'll have the courage to tell you." He said quietly. I turned and looked at him.

"Then don't. If it's anything like the blow he dropped on me last night, I can go the rest of my life without knowing."

"Lila…"

"Does it change how you feel about me?" I asked moving to him.

"No! Of course not!" He protested.

"Then don't tell me." I kissed him and moved off. "So I'm thinking armor for today. I hope this meeting will be easy with your sister, but we haven't had an attack from slavers or hunters in some time. So I want to be prepared."

He sighed heavily, but then let it drop. "I agree."

He beat me getting ready and kissed me before heading out the door. "I'll see to the others if you're sure you…" I frowned and he stopped his train of thought. "Fine. I'll be downstairs."

I took my time knowing they were all going to be arguing, but eventually there was nothing left for me to do. I walked into the room and listened as Fenris grew irritated.

"Don't you think I know this? She won't listen to me. She doesn't want to talk about it. I'm not going to force her to. Just drop it." I moved into the room and wrapped around him. I eyed the rest of them.

"Sebastian is a crazy bastard. I'm the one he hurt. I'm the one he…Look, I don't want to think about him or anything like that. If you can't accept that, feel free to leave. As a matter of a fact, we were just leaving ourselves. Aveline, I would appreciate it if you would have a patrol sent round my house at night until Sebastian leaves. And Varric, please speak with the Coterie for me. Find out what it will take to have them add a few extra men. I'll handle the expense from here on out. Thank you for taking care of it before. I also have a feeling from the things he said last night, he's not alone this time. Can you see if you can find anything out about his arrival?"

"Sure thing, Hawke." Varric said and stood up. He gave a sharp nod to Fenris and then started out the door. Isabela and Merrill followed him.

"You alright?" Isabela asked as she stopped by me. I nodded as she lightly laid her hand on my arm. "Anders, come on." She said motioning him to follow her. He gave me a sad smile as he started by.

"If you need anything, you know where to find me." He said quickly.

"I'll have the guards start a patrol here right away." Aveline said and left as well.

Bethany breezed in a few minutes later. Keran was off doing something she said, but he was supposed to come by later. She also said Orsino had asked her to give me a message. I took the message and explained what we were going to do.

"If Sebastian shows up for some reason, get Lea to the tunnels. Send Bohdan for the guards." I said. "Under no circumstances is he to be near Lea."

"What's going on?" Bethany asked worriedly as she glanced back and forth between us.

"He came back last night and well…he's not too happy that Fenris and I are together. I doubt he'll come over. I'm just letting you know. We'll be back shortly." I said and kissed her cheek.

"Lila, please be careful." She said watching us as we headed to the door.

I smiled at her. "Careful is my middle name."

"No, trouble is your middle name." She teased back. It was an old family joke. I blew her a kiss and we headed out. Fenris wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to him for a moment.

"I'm so glad Orana was able to get that smell out of your armor." He said with a nervous smile. I kissed him quickly.

"Me too. It's going to be just fine, Fenris. Whatever happens, we're in it together."

"I think I like the sound of that." He smiled using my common line and took my hand.


	46. Chapter 46

**Hawke**

I glanced around the bar. It was a bit more crowded than it should be. And none of the regulars. Even Coriff wasn't at the bar. Fenris would normally have been the one to notice all of this, but his eyes were stuck on the red headed elf sitting at a table in the middle of the room.

"It really is you." She said looking down as we approached her.

"Varania?" Fenris asked. "I…remember you. We used to play in our master's yard while our mother worked. You called me…" His eyes were wide in wonder as he looked at her. I didn't miss her guilty look though. She stood up and turned away from him.

"Leto. That is your name."

"What's wrong? Why are you so…" He asked seeming confused as he tried to move closer to her. I saw the movement of the people around us. We had walked into a trap. I grabbed his arm.

"Fenris, you have to get out of here. Now!" I said pulling him back and moving in front of him as a man appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Ah! My little Fenris, predictable as always." The man who had to be Danarius said moving down the stairs.

"I'm sorry it came to this Leto." Varania said moving to look at Fenris.

"You lead him here!" Fenris snarled and moved around me. I caught his arm keeping him back.

"Now, now, Fenris. Don't blame her. She was just doing her duty as any good Imperial citizen should." Danarius said.

"I never wanted these filthy markings, Danarius, but I won't let you kill me to get them." Fenris growled.

Danarius chuckled. "How little you know, my pet." He then looked at me. "And this is your new mistress, is it? The Champion of Kirkwall. Quite lovely."

"Fenris belongs to no one!" I snapped shifting slightly so I was between them.

"Do I detect a note of jealousy? He is rather skilled, isn't he?" Danarius asked and eyed Fenris. Fenris hung his head as I glanced at him.

Fenris began to glow as Danarius stepped closer to me. "Stay away from her." He hissed at him.

"Ah, how sweet! He thinks he's going to protect you. It didn't go so well for the Fog Warriors, did it, my pet?" Danarius laughed.

"Shut your mouth, Danarius!" Fenris snapped.

Danarius narrowed his eyes at Fenris. "The word you are looking for is Master." He said and reached for his staff. I tossed my extra set of daggers at his two bodyguards, taking them out and giving Fenris the chance to focus on Danarius. I then worked on keeping the rest of the slavers and hunters off of them. Fenris knocked Danarius out and then joined me on clearing the bar of it's unwanted guest. As the last one fell he stalked to Danarius who was just regaining consciousness.

"What is this? I…my mana…" Danarius panted as he tried to stand. I smiled at Fenris as he glanced back at me.

"I hoped the meeting would go well, but my life has taught me not to count on it. While you were dealing with our friends this morning, I was coating our blades in mage bane." I explained.

Fenris jerked him up by his throat. "You are no longer my master!" He snarled at him. I grimaced and turned my head as I knew what was coming next. All these years of fighting with Fenris and watching him rip a person apart still made me a bit nauseous. He dropped the body and turned to his sister.

"I had no choice, Leto." She said and backed up as Fenris stalked her.

"Stop calling me that!" He yelled at her.

"He was going to make me his apprentice. I would have been a magister." She said looking at him as if this explained everything.

"You sold out your own brother to become a magister?" I asked horrified as I moved to them. No matter how much Carver and I hadn't gotten along, we would have never harmed the other one.

"You don't get to judge me. You don't know me." She snapped at me. She then looked at Fenris. "You don't know what it was like. You don't know the things we went through. The things I had to do once Mother died. This was my only chance."

"And now you have no chance at all!" He said and began to glow.

"Please, please don't do this." She begged him. She then turned to me. "Please, don't let him do this."

"Oh, now you want me to but in." I said narrowing my eyes at her. I wanted to kill her myself, but I had to think of Fenris. He had been searching for his missing past for so long. I laid my hand on Fenris' shoulder. He glared at me, daring me to interfere. "You have questions, Fenris. She can answer them."

"Yes. I'll tell you. Anything. Just don't kill me." She begged.

"Lila, she sold me out to him. All to get ahead. She was ready to see me dead." He pleaded with me to understand. I squeezed his shoulder.

"I am behind whatever you decide, Fenris. I just wanted to make sure you were sure."

"Please, stop him!" Varania begged again.

"I would gladly drive my blade in you if he wanted it. Look to someone else to save you."

"She has nothing for me. The past is gone and better left there." He glowed as she begged more. I prayed I had done the right thing for him as he killed her.

"It's over." He looked around, his eyes wounded, his shoulders hunched again. "I thought reclaiming my past would bring me a sense of belonging, but it hasn't. There is nothing for me to reclaim. I am alone." He said turning away from me and looking down on Varania's broken body. I moved around him and laid my hand lightly on his arm.

"I'm here, Fenris." I slid my hand down his arm to clasp his hand. "You aren't alone." He reached up and cupped my cheek. His eyes softening as he looked at me.

"This is…I need to be away from this. I feel…empty. I have no enemy, no purpose anymore."

I hugged him tightly, laying my head against his prickly armor. "You have me and Lea. That's something, right?" I asked quietly. I didn't want to be needy right now, but I couldn't seem to stop it.

He wrapped his arms around me, crushing me against him. I was fairly certain I would have a bruise on my cheek from his breastplate, but his words made the pain of it worth it. "It is everything. Let's go home."

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Fenris**

I paced our bedroom after we got back. Lila had seemed to sense I needed time apart and went to tend to Lea after getting cleaned up. I had thought things would be better now. Easier somehow.

I no longer had to run and fight for my life. Well, at least not from the hunters and Danarius. There was still the large problem of the Prince of Starkhaven to contend with. I thought everything would just fall into place and I would know what to do, but I didn't. I felt more lost than ever.

Danarius was dead. By my hands no less. Using the very markings he had given me. But it didn't feel like anything had changed. I still felt like that slave running from his cruel master.

I glanced up as Lila opened the door slowly. She gave me a hesitant smile. "You want company or to be left alone?"

I held my hand out to her. She closed the door behind her and moved to clasp my hand. It wasn't good enough. I tugged her to me and held her as I tried to sort things out.

"You thought killing him would fix everything, but it hasn't." She whispered. The girl always knew me so well.

"I thought with him gone I could live as a free man does, but how is that? My sister is gone and I have nothing left. Not even an enemy." I felt her tense up in my arms. I knew I was hurting her. I knew she was worried that I was going to leave again, but I wasn't. She and Lea were my anchor in all this. The only thing keeping me whole.

"Maybe that just means there's nothing holding you back anymore. Maybe now is the time for you to chose your own path." She said quietly. I knew what those words must have cost her. She pulled away from me and moved to sit on the bed.

"An interesting thought." I said and moved to stand in front of her. "Perhaps it is time to move forward. I just don't know where that leads."

She swallowed hard and looked at me. "Wherever it leads, I hope it means we'll stay together."

I knelt before her and cupped her face in my hands. "That is my hope as well." I forced her to watch me. "I hope you know how much you mean to me. You and Lea are the only certain thing in my life. I know my words keep hurting you, but I in no way mean to. I know I have you. I just feel lost right now."

She ran a hand through my hair. "This must be hard. All that you can remember is him and running. I want to support you however you need supported. Even if it is space you want."

I shifted to the bed and pulled her into my lap. "Thank you for supporting my decision. I know you think I should have let her live."

"No, Fenris. I would have killed her if you hadn't. No one hurts someone I love and gets away with it." She said fiercely as she looked up at me. "I only stopped you so you would really think about it. I didn't want you to regret not speaking with her."

"You are truly something. It was indeed a lucky day when Anso…Anso!" I snarled suddenly.

"What?" She asked looking at me confused.

"He knew."

"You mean you think…" She trailed off watching me.

"He was acting strange when he told me about them. He assured me they were keeping watch on them. And he had. He had watched me walk right into a trap. He let me take you into a trap. I'm going to kill him!"

"You don't know that for sure." She tried to calm me.

"I do know." I snapped. I put her on the bed and resumed my pacing. That man had been my closest thing to a friend other than Lila and her companions and he had betrayed me. Would no one ever be true to me? I glanced at Lila feeling guilty for that thought. She was true to me.

"Maybe they forced him to do it." She tried watching me with sad eyes.

"Right, forced him to take a pile of coins. I never should have trusted him. I should have known I can only rely on myself." I whirled to look at her as she looked down at the ground quickly. "Lila, I didn't mean that. Not the way it came out. I know I can rely on you. Please…"

She gave me a half smile. "I understand. Don't worry about hurting me. I'm a big girl. I can take it."

"But I don't want to take my anger out on you." I sighed and leaned my head against the bedpost. "I just don't know what to do."

"If it will make you feel better, we can hunt Anso down and deal with him." I glanced at her as she leaned back in the bed watching me.

"I don't think it would."

She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment as she laid back on the bed. I watched her and wondered if I should tell her that I could remember my past now. As Danarius had died it was as if a curtain had been lifted and I was restored. It was part of why I wanted to kill Varania so badly.

I, no Leto, had given up everything to save her and Mother from slavery. He fought and trained and gave himself up to become this thing that I was. All so he could give them a better life. He had loved them and they had used him.

Mother had seen that I was talented when I was young. She had seen the interest our master had shown in me and pushed me into training harder and longer. She used my talents to elevate herself all in hopes of attracting the right magistrate so they would take Varania on as an apprentice. I had been to naïve to see it then, but I had been a tool for them as much as I had been for Danarius.

Varania had the magic, so she was the important one. I had believed it back then as well. Doing everything in my power to earn favor for my family. The more favor I had, the better we were taken care of. I worked to show Varania off in the best possible ways. I hoped to earn us all our freedom, but if it was impossible, then I could at least make sure my sister was given the chance to excel at her craft. And one day Mother's plans worked.

Danarius had taken an interest in me. He offered what I had always dreamed of. Freedom. Not for myself, but for Mother and Varania. He said if I competed and won he would make me his personal guard. I would become a Lyrium Warrior. One of the most rare and coveted things in Tevinter, a living weapon of untold power. He said with the money I won, I could buy my family.

I had taken the offer. I…Leto…was like Lila. I would have done anything for my family. Even give up any hope of a life of my own. I had thought they would be happy, but they weren't. They were furious. I had never spoken to them again after the competition. Granted, Danarius wiped my memories when he did the ritual, leaving my first memories being the pain of the markings. He enjoyed making me suffer.

"Fenris?" Lila asked starting me out of my memories. "Are you alright?" She asked sitting up.

"Sorry, just…lost in the memories." I said hesitantly.

"Memories…you can remember now?" She asked, excitement and concern on her face.

"Yes. It was like a spell was broken when Danarius died. I blinked and suddenly everything was there as if it had never been away." I answered and sat down beside her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked.

"I don't know. Can I sort through it on my own for a while?" I asked. I knew someday I would want to share it with her, but not now.

"Of course." She smiled as I laced our fingers together. "Should I call you Leto instead of Fenris?"

"No. Leto died the day Danarius marked me. I am Fenris. But it is good to have the memories back." I said.

She leaned her head against my shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm not made of glass, Lila." I said stiffly. She arched her brow at me. "Old habits die hard it seems." I sighed.

She smiled and laid her head back down on my shoulder. "Would you be offended if I told you I like the name Fenris better?"

I gave a surprised laugh. Yes, my Lila always knew what I needed. I hugged her as I laid us down. "No. I have to say I do as well." I shifted so I could lean over her. "You know I used to hate that he referred to me as a wolf, that I was nothing but an animal to him. But I think I rather like the comparison right now. A wolf would just…what was that you said to Isabela, oh yes, something like I take what I want." I taunted her as she blushed and her eyes grew wide.

"You…heard that?" She asked hesitantly. I arched my brow at her. "Fenris, I…" I shut her up with a kiss.

"You can apologize later. For now, I have other plans for you and your clever tongue."


	47. Chapter 47

**Fenris**

"What have I gotten myself into now?" Lila sighed as she gathered up the note about a secret meeting.

Orsino's letter to Lila had been asking for her to investigate some mages and templars sneaking around. He thought the Knight-Commander was behind it and trying to set him up. I was wishing Lila would tell them both to leave her out of their petty fights, but it wasn't looking like that was going to happen.

"Are we going after them?" I asked moving to her. She nodded.

"We need to finish this. Men are keeping an eye on Sebastian. Bethany is with Lea. Now is the best time. Unless you don't want to go. If you want, you can go back home. We can handle this." Lila said motioning to Anders, Isabela, and Varric.

"I am not letting you go without me. I just wanted to make sure you wanted to do this. We could tell them that you were staying out of it."

"Hawke can't stay out of it. The mages need her!" Anders protested moving closer. Isabela laid a hand on his arm.

"Anders, calm down." She said quietly.

"Fenris, I know you don't like this, but what choice do I have? Kirkwall is being torn apart. I have to do something. If this is what I have to do to keep the peace, then so be it." She squeezed my hand. "Besides, the quicker we're done here, the quicker we can go home."

So we hurried through Kirkwall until we got to the warehouse. I sighed as we looked at it. "Do you think they actually use any of these warehouses for storing things or is it just for clandestine meetings?"

"We have busted up quite a few in these old warehouses." Lila smiled at me. "Come on, meetings don't bust themselves up."

"I told you she would follow us here!" Snarled a mage. The templar with him turned to us.

"Lila?" Keran asked startled.

"Keran?" Lila looked at him horrified. Great. Now her sister's secret boyfriend was involved. This just kept getting worse.

"If it's you then…no! Wait, Hawke isn't against us! Don't fight with her!" Keran called. I shoved Lila out of the way just as a mage appeared behind us and shot a bolt of lightning. Chaos erupted around us as mages and templars poured out to fight. Finally as the last one fell, Keran rushed out to us.

"Lila, I swear I didn't know it was you they were talking about or I would have stopped them. Let me go and I'll get her back. I'll explain it to them. They won't hurt her. They just wanted to keep you at bay." Keran said quickly.

"What are you talking about?" She demanded. "What are you doing mixed up in this Keran? Bethany trust you. I've helped you and you send us into a trap!"

"No. I swear it's not like that. We've been trying to retake the Gallows. Make it what it's supposed to be. Mages and templars working together. I wanted a safe place for Bethany. She's only been safe so far because Meredith thinks she can control you through her."

"What did you mean you would get her back?" I demanded and moved closer to him. I had a sick feeling.

He looked at me worriedly. "They said someone had found out about the meeting. They said they knew a way to keep them off of us. They said they were taking their daughter."

"What?" Lila snarled and jerked him by his collar towards her. "They have Lea?"

"They said they were just going to hold her to get you to hear them out. I didn't know it was you. I would have stopped them. Please, don't kill me."

She shoved him back and started for the door. "Where?" I demanded pulling him close.

"They were going to take her to a spot on the Wounded Coast. These old ruins. Lila, I'm so sorry." He said.

Lila was already running. I shoved him back and took off after her. I managed to catch up to her and pulled her to a stop. "We'll get her back." I swore.

"Maybe he's wrong. Maybe she's fine. Bethany had her. And Thrask. Bandit. No. She's home. She's safe at home. She has to be." Lila said panicking. She pulled away from me and ran. The others glanced at each other worriedly and we started off again.

Lila burst into the house screaming for Bethany, but there was no answer. I caught her and wouldn't let her go up the stairs. Fear washed over me as I saw Bandit laying on the floor unmoving. Next to him the crumpled form of Sandal. I shoved her into Anders' arms.

"Keep her down here." I ordered. Lila struggled, screaming and sobbing. It was taking Isabela and Anders to keep her there. Varric hurried with me up the stairs, keeping Bianca at the ready.

I crouched down and checked to see if they were still alive. I nodded to him. He sighed in relief. We made our way into the nursery. Bohdan was unconscious in it. Curled up in a corner was Orana. A bruise marring her cheek, her hands bloody. I hurried to her as she started to stir.

"Orana, what happened?" I asked trying to remember she was fragile and not frighten her farther.

"They took her, Master. I tried to stop them, but they hit me. They hurt Mistress Bethany. Drained her magic, made her scream. Another mage hit Bandit when he tried to rescue them. Bohdan tried to keep them off of us. He and Sandal tried to give us time to get little mistress, but there were too many of them. They were blocking the door. I couldn't run with her. So I fought him. But he was too strong for me." Orana said sadly. She started to cry.

"Who?" I asked.

"Ser Thrask. The templar watching Mistress Bethany. I failed, Master."

"No. Orana, you didn't. You did what you could. We failed you. We should have had more protection here." I whirled to Varric. "Where were the damned Coterie?"

"Hey, not the enemy here. We need to get to the Coast now." He laid a hand on Orana's hand. "It's going to be alright, Orana. You're safe now."

"But Mistress is going to be so mad." She cried.

"Not at you, Orana. We are going to get the men who did this." I promised.

"Yes. You will. You will find the little mistress. Hurry, Master Fenris. She was scared."

We hurried down the stairs. I pulled Lila into my arms. "They're all alive. It's going to be alright. We're going to get her back. Lila, calm down. Look at me." I ordered as she continued to cry. She looked up at me and I hated the fear I saw there. Those bastards were all going to die. "We are going to get her back. They need them alive to keep you under control. We will get her back."

"Fenris, I…"

"I know, Lila." I said and crushed her to me. "Come on." I said to the others, pulling Lila out of the house with me.

"Hawke, what's going on? Neighbors reported screaming coming from the house?" Donnic asked as soon as we exited the house. He had a group of guards with him.

"They've kidnapped Lea and Bethany." Lila answered, her voice breaking.

"What?" Demanded Sebastian as he pushed through the crowd.

"What are you doing here?" I demanded.

"I was coming to speak with Hawke. Who has Lea?" Sebastian demanded moving to Lila.

"Mages and templars. They took her to the coast. Donnic, get Aveline. Tell her to have someone watch our house." Lila said suddenly pulling away from me and straightening up.

"Hawke, wait. We can go through proper channels. We can get the guards together and…" Donnic started. Lila turned and started off.

"They wanted me. They are going to get me."

"I'm coming with you." Sebastian said rushing to her side. She didn't even glance at him.

"The last thing we need is another person to worry about. You are staying away from them." I snapped and moved to him.

"We can fight later. Now Lea and Bethany are what's important." Lila said and broke into a run as we cleared the city.

"I'm watching you." I snapped at him.

"She's my daughter, Fenris. I want her back safely." He snarled at me.

**0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

**Hawke**

I shoved the fearful and panicked mother in me aside and pulled forth the Champion. I couldn't afford to be emotional and panicked. Going into a battle with fear and panic was a sure way not to survive. And too much was at stake for me to be anything less than the title I hated so much.

I knew Sebastian and Fenris were still fighting as they chased after me, but I didn't care. If he was willing to kill the bastards who had taken my daughter he was welcome to come. All that mattered right now was my family.

I slowed to a walk as we approached the ruins. Fenris caught my arm and spun me around. "This could be a trap."

"It will not keep me from them." I said and jerked free from him.

"Lila, please…" He begged. I took his hand and squeezed it.

"I'm not going to let my emotions run me, Fenris. I'm thinking now." I assured him.

"We're going to get her back." He nodded to me.

We crouched down and assessed the situation. "Isn't that Thrask and Grace?" Anders asked as the others caught up with us.

"I wondered when that bitch would come back to bite me in the ass." I grumbled.

"So what's the plan? They look like they're expecting us." Varric said glancing at me.

"Can you, Anders, and Isabela get to high ground? Flank them a bit? If it goes to battle, we need to take them all down as quickly as possible."

"I'll go to that side, Anders go to that rock there. Isabela, can you climb up and close on them in the back?" Varric asked looking around.

"On it." She said and vanished. Anders gave me a nod and took off.

"We'll get them back, Hawke." Varric promised.

"What about us?" Sebastian asked.

"Keep your bow ready. If it comes to it, take out the one on the left. I'll go for the one on the right. Fenris…" I turned to him as Grace shifted and showed she was holding a far to still Lea in her arms.

"The bitch is mine." He nodded.

"No, I should shoot her now." Sebastian protested.

"There is too much of a chance we'll hurt Lea. Fenris can get in and take her out without risking Lea." I argued. "If you have a problem with this, you need to leave. This is how it's going to happen." He looked grim, but nodded. "Then let's go see what the bastards have to say."

"Champion Hawke. I had hoped you wouldn't come." Thrask said as we moved out into the open.

"You honestly thought you could hurt my people, take my family, and I wouldn't come?" I snapped at him.

"We only did it so you would listen to us. We want to rebuild the Circle as it's supposed to be. You showed me that templars could work with mages. You showed me mages deserved better than we were giving them."

"Don't you dare say I convinced you to do this! I have never once attacked innocents and stolen their families."

"And what was Decimus?" Grace snarled at me.

"A blood mage who attacked me when I was trying to help."

"You didn't help us! You let the templars catch us." Grace yelled. "You ruined any chance of us having a life when you killed him."

"So you think you're going to get back at me by taking my daughter?" I demanded.

"This isn't about revenge, Champion. We only wanted to talk with you. Convince you Meredith was in the wrong. Get you to stop working for her." Thrask answered.

"I am aware that Meredith is a special brand of crazy. I've never worked for her."

"You…aren't? I should have known that you wouldn't. Forgive me, Champion. We will release your family." Thrask said smiling at me with a look of relief in his eyes.

Grace laughed coldly. "You foolish people. This wasn't about the mages or templars. This was all so I could exact my revenge on you. You will know what it's like to lose everything."

"Grace, what are you talking about? The fight is over. Give the child back to her mother." Thrask said turning to her.

"No. She's not getting her back. The child is now mine."

"Over my dead body." I snarled.

She laughed. "That is the plan. You really messed my original plans up, but this is going to work so much better. I planned on taking the man you loved first, but you wouldn't give in to him. So I came up with a better plan." She glanced at Sebastian. "He was too strong and resisted the demons I sent to him at first. But once I sent one to the Grand Cleric, he became quite easy to manipulate."

"What are you talking about?" Sebastian demanded as we all glanced at him.

"You didn't actually believe that Andraste told you to impregnate Hawke, did you? Oh, how sweet! You really did!"

"Impregnate?" I demanded and looked at him, horror filling me as the words sunk in.

"Hawke, I can explain…" Sebastian started.

"You…impregnated me…Lea is…" I panted feeling my knees get weak. "No."

"Andraste told us it was the only way to get you to fulfill your destiny. That you were meant to be mine. That our union would strengthen the Free Marches. That you would lead us all through this mess with the mages. That you would be able to peacefully end the fight. That our child would continue our legacy. We just had to get you with child. Everything would then fall into place." Sebastian said hurriedly. He moved closer to me, but I held my hand out.

"Don't. How could you…no…" I trailed off and looked back at Grace as she smiled at me coldly.

"Yes, this is better than killing him. I've taken your first bit of love and twisted it into something ugly. Now I've taken your baby and sister. I will leave you with nothing, Hawke. Just as you did me. How does it feel?" Grace asked with a laugh.

"I will kill you." I snapped at her.

"No, you won't. I have your precious baby. You can't risk a move or I'll kill her. I had plans for her as well, but I won't hesitate to kill her if I need to."

"Grace, stop this! No one is going to hurt anyone else." Thrask said.

"Oh, I'm just getting started. First I've broken her. Now I'll twist the knife a bit. Alan, kill the mage." She ordered.

I tensed up as Alan looked down at Bethany laying on the ground. "No." He said and took a step away from her. "You said that this was to make a better world for us mages, but all you want is revenge. Hawke tried to help us. I won't be a part of this."

"Weakling! I should have killed you to begin with. It doesn't matter. I will do it myself. Then I'll kill your precious little elf and lastly you. You will die with the knowledge that I have your daughter. I'll raise her up as my own. Just as if she was Decimus' and mine. We were going to have a baby, you know. We were going to live free from the Circle and have a family, but you stole it. So I'll steal yours."

"The Void you will! Fenris!" I tossed my daggers at the mage on her right as he began to glow. Sebastian took out the one on the left at the same time. Fenris disappeared and reappeared behind Grace. She gasped in pain, her eyes wide with shock.

"No!" She cried and began to fall. Fenris grabbed Lea out of her arms and crouched over her, shielding her as we looked at the others.

"Anyone else want to continue this madness?" I demanded as Varric, Anders, and Isabela appeared, each at the ready. The other mages and templars dropped their staffs and swords. "I didn't think so." I snapped and rushed to Lea. "Anders, check on Bethany!" I demanded taking Lea from Fenris.

"She held them with blood magic. Only blood magic will free them. I'm sorry." Alan said and sliced his wrist. He cast a spell and Bethany stirred. Lea began to cry.

I clutched her to me. "It's alright, little one. Mommy's got you now. Oh, baby, I'm so sorry." I soothed over and over again as my knees gave out and I crumbled to the ground. I looked at Bethany. "Are you alright?"

She nodded as Anders helped her to her feet. "I'm sorry, Lila. I tried, but there were too many of them."

I hugged her when she knelt beside me. "It's not your fault. I should have killed Grace the first time I saw her."

"Hawke, I…" Sebastian said moving closer.

"Don't come near me, Sebastian. It was bad enough before, but to know that you got me pregnant! You drugged me and used me and…" I trailed off and glared at him. "You let me think that a slaver had done this to me! You were trying to make me into something else all because some dream Elthina had? How could you do this? How could you think any of this was going to be alright?"

"Hawke, please. I courted you. I asked you if I could stay the night. I told you how I felt. I still want that. I still believe that we are meant to have that life. You two are mine. It's time to come home. We can get past all this." He said.

"Sweet Maker, the dreams! I thought I was possessed. I never would have said yes. I…this is too much. Stay away from us." I said and stood up. I started off, but he caught my arm.

"She is my daughter as much as yours. You cannot keep me from your life. You belong to me."

"You lost any right to her the moment you drugged me. Do not even think of trying to come around her again."

"Let her go!" Fenris snarled and moved closer as Sebastian jerked my arm.

"This isn't your concern, elf. They are mine. The Maker gave them to me. Not a demon. Can't you see it, Hawke? The mage tricked you. She wanted to steal our destiny. Don't let them win!"

"You're mad, Sebastian! The Maker had no part in this. The Maker would never tell you to strip someone's will from them. Remove your hand from my arm, or I remove your arm from your body."

He released my arm and narrowed his eyes at me. "You will learn the truth, Hawke."

I wrapped my arm around Bethany as she took Lea from me. "I know the truth, Sebastian, and it sickens me."

I looked up as more templars appeared. I had never been so relieved to see Cullen as I was at that moment. "I'm going to assume you came here to try and stop the conspiracy like Keran has said and not that you were joining it." Cullen said eyeing me.

"They stole Bethany and my daughter to try and force me to stay out of it. Do you really think that I would take part in it?" I demanded angrily as Lea continued to snub. His eyes widened as he glanced at them.

"I'll tell Meredith of this plot. She will not allow this to go unchecked, Champion." He assured me.

"Tell her they surrendered willingly. There have been enough lives destroyed today. We don't need to destroy any more. They were misguided in their actions, but their desire was a good one. They wanted to make the Circles like they were originally intended to be." I said and pulled Bethany along with me.

"I take it you will be bringing Bethany back to the Gallows tonight?" He asked.

"She is going home with me. If Meredith wants to contest that, she's free to come and speak with me. It's obvious she's not safe in the Gallows seeing as her templar handler is the one who kidnapped them." I snapped at him. He inclined his head to me.

"Champion, I'm so sorry." Thrask started. I ignored him though. I was barely keeping it together. I had to get them all home so I could fall apart in the privacy of my own home.

"I am sorry for all that you've had to endure." Cullen said quietly and stepped out of my way.

"What do you mean that Sebastian drugged you?" Bethany asked quietly as we moved away from them.

I sighed. "It's a long story and I'm not sure I have the strength to get us home much less think about what he's done to me."

"Lila…" Fenris said moving towards us. I tightened my arm around Bethany and Lea. I knew I was being unfair in my actions and thoughts, but they had all known. They had all kept this from me.

"You knew he was her father. You knew and you didn't tell me." I said coldly.

"I tried." He pleaded, his eyes full of pain. It wasn't his fault. None of this was his fault. He had tried. Several times.

I closed my eyes feeling defeated. I couldn't bear any more. I held my hand out to him and pulled him to me. "I know. I'm sorry. I just can't…" The adrenaline of battle had faded away and I was left with a feeling of numbness. I just wanted to curl around my daughter and never let her go. He wrapped his arm around me and held me tightly as I held onto Bethany and Lea. "It's alright. Let's get them home."


	48. Chapter 48

**Fenris**

I quietly shut the bedroom door behind me. The others were gathered in the main hall waiting. They all looked up as I moved down the stairs.

"How are they doing?" Aveline asked.

"They're all finally asleep. I had to put the crib against the bed to get Lila to lay down. She still has her hand on Lea as if she needs the reassurance she's safe." I ran my hand through my hair feeling helpless and lost. I didn't know how to comfort Lila about this. She had one arm wrapped around Bethany and one hand resting on Lea. Bandit laid across their feet on the bed. Lila hadn't wanted to discuss anything that had happened. All she had wanted to do was hold them.

Lea had cried and snubbed for a full hour, seeming to need the connection to Lila as much as Lila did. She had sobbed when any of us other than Lila tried to hold her. Bethany had tried to tell what had happened, but the poor gentle girl was a bit traumatized. Her story was brokenly and woodenly told.

"Did she say anything about Sebastian?" Varric asked. He looked as if he had aged considerably today. I knew how much the Hawkes all meant to him.

"She refused to speak about it." I said and leaned against her writing desk.

"She needs time to sort it out. This has been a traumatic day for them all." Anders replied.

"Do you think we should go?" Merrill asked watching all of us worriedly. She had missed all the drama today.

"If you want to, go. If you want to stay, you know where guest rooms are, just don't ask Orana or Bohdan for anything. They've been through enough today as well." I nodded to them.

"I cast sleep spells on each of them. Poor Orana wouldn't stop crying. She thinks Hawke is going to punish her now." Anders said glancing towards the hallway that lead to all of their rooms.

"I think she wants Hawke to." Isabela said sadly.

"Lila will not be angry with them." I felt the need to point out to them.

"But will she be so forgiving to us?" Varric asked with a sigh.

"I think she will. I think she needs time to sort it out. I can't imagine how hard this is for her." I sighed and glanced back at the door. "Why don't you all get some rest? I can send word to you if something changes."

"I'd like to stay here tonight. Be close if she needs anything. Or if Sebastian decides to try something else." Varric answered.

"Us too." Aveline said with a nod from Donnic.

"I think that I need to be close by. Hawke or Bethany might have trouble sleeping. I can take care of that." Anders said.

"We'll all stay. It will be like a big sad slumber party." Isabela agreed. And for the first time she didn't have a lewd comment to add.

I nodded to them and watched them all go towards the guest rooms. I didn't know where to go so I stayed there in the main hall, staring at the fireplace, wondering what I could possibly do or say to make this better for the girls I loved. How did one recover from blow after blow? Would Lila ever trust any of us again?

I don't know how long I had been standing there, lost in thought, when I heard the door to our room open. "Fenris?" Lila called quietly.

"I'm here." I assured her and moved so she could see me. She frowned at me puzzled as I started up the stairs. "Did you get any rest?" She took my hand as I moved close and shrugged. Tears filled her eyes as she glanced away from me. "Lila?"

She took a shaky breath and shook her head. "I'm sorry. This is…"

I hugged her to me. "Lea and Bethany are safe."

"When I saw her there in that woman's arms…she was so still and quiet…" She shook against me.

"Lila, she's fine." I tried to reassure her. My heart had stopped as well when I had seen her like that. Lea was never still. Even in her sleep she was fairly active.

She took another breath. "I know. But the image…Fenris, we nearly lost her today."

"But we didn't. You can't let yourself dwell on what almost happened. You will go mad if you do. Lea is right there, safe and where she belongs. Bethany as well."

She nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. It's easier to think about that than have to face the things Grace said."

"I'm sorry, Lila. We should have told you. I should have found a way."

Her arms tightened around me and she shook her head. "This isn't your fault, Fenris. He was always so possessive while I was pregnant. Always referring to her as our child. I should have realized it. I should have known when he admitted he was sleeping with me." She trailed off and pulled away from me. She stalked to the railing and leaned on it looking out into the main hall.

"Lila, I don't know what to say to comfort you through this. But I'm here. However you need me to be."

"Can you go back to before this happened and stop it?" She asked glancing over her shoulder at me.

"You wish you could undo all this?" I asked quietly and moved to her side.

She sighed and hung her head. "No. I wouldn't ever wish to be without Lea." She looked at me then. "Or you." She took my hand and looked back out at the empty room. "I just don't know how to move past this. It was easier when it was some nameless faceless slaver. But now…to know it was someone I considered a friend…someone I cared about. That he did it to create her and plotted and…" She closed her eyes. "I'm afraid I'll see him in her."

"When I look at her, I see you. Your smile and eyes. The way your nose crinkles when you find something amusing. I have known, and I see nothing of him. She is your daughter, Lila. Nothing will change that."

She looked at me with a sad smile. "And you say you don't know what to say to comfort me."

I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. She leaned her head against my shoulder. "I wish I could do more."

"I'm afraid, Fenris. He still thinks this was some sort of prophecy. He still thinks that it was the Maker's will and not a demon. He's going to come back for her."

I pulled her tightly to me. "He will never get near either of you again."

"I think I'm going to have to leave Kirkwall. Even the Free Marches. He's reclaimed Starkhaven now. And he has the Grand Cleric on his side. What if…"

I turned her to face me and cupped her face in my hands. "I will kill anyone who tries to take her from us. I will kill anyone who tries to take you from me." I kissed her gently and rested my forehead against hers.

"Aw! The romantic things you say to me." She teased, but I could see that she was touched and reassured by my words.

I smiled feeling relief that we were going to be alright. "Well, I did promise to work on my flattery."

I tensed up as we heard a frantic banging on the door. I glanced down at her as she watched the door warily. "Fenris…"

"Get your daggers and stay up here. If something happens, get the girls to the tunnels."

"I'm not leaving you!" She protested.

"Lila, the others are all here. I won't be alone. We have to keep Lea safe. If we get separated take her to my mansion. Set the traps as you run to my room. It's the safest one. I will come for you." I said quickly as I grabbed my sword and strapped it on.

"I…"

"Lila, do as I ask." I pleaded. She looked like she was going to argue, but then nodded.

"Be careful."

I smirked at her. "Careful is your middle name."

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Hawke**

I glanced at Fenris one last time before hurrying to my room. I prayed it wasn't him, but we couldn't chance that it wasn't. I moved to the bed and gently shook Bethany.

"Bethany." I whispered. She started and looked at me worriedly.

"What?" She asked sitting up.

"Someone's banging on the door. If it's him we have to get you two to the tunnels." I said.

"Lila…" She said clutching my arm tightly.

"I won't let anyone else hurt you, Bethany. I swear it." I hugged her to me. "Get ready to grab Lea if I say and head for the vault." She nodded and shifted to sit next to the crib. I strapped my daggers on and moved to the door. I held my hand out to her as Fenris entered the main hall with Keran. "Stay here."

"What's going on?" Bethany demanded.

"It's not Sebastian. Please stay here. Let me find out what's going on first." I wasn't ready to trust that man around my sister. He had said he hadn't know it was us they were talking about, but he was willing to go along with them taking someone's daughter. I wasn't alright with that at all. Bethany finally nodded and I closed the door behind me and rushed down the stairs.

"What are you doing here?" I demanded. Fenris caught me as I stalked towards Keran.

"He came to speak with Bethany and give us a warning." Fenris answered. I snarled and tried to get out of Fenris' arms. "Not that sort of warning, Lila. He came to tell us that Sebastian had appealed to Meredith for help."

"What?" I asked going limp in his arms. I was going to have to fight the templars to keep my family together again. Life had a strange way of coming full circle.

"It's true. I went back to get help when you ran. I was afraid that they wouldn't listen to you and they had Bethany too." Keran said his eyes pleading with me to understand. "I love her, Lila. I never wanted to see anyone hurt. I truly believed that we were going to make the Circle a better place."

"So you didn't mind them taking someone else's daughter and sister so long as it wasn't Bethany, right?" I demanded.

"I never would have let them take Lea either. If I had known it I would have stopped it. I swear it. They said it was necessary. They said they wouldn't be hurt. I trusted them." He pleaded.

"I believe him." Bethany said from behind us.

I whirled to frown at her. "I told you to wait in the room."

"This concerns me as well. I believe Keran. He would never put us in danger, Lila." Bethany said and moved to hug him.

He cupped her face in his hands. "Are you alright?

"I'm fine. Thanks to my sister." Bethany said cutting her eyes to me.

"I was so worried. I went back to the Gallows because I thought you would be brought back there. It's a good thing I did now though." Keran said as he hugged her to him.

"Tell them what you were explaining to me." Fenris said gruffly. "Time is of the essence."

"Right. Sorry." He said keeping his arm around Bethany. "Sebastian came to the Gallows shortly after Cullen gave Meredith a report on what happened. I eavesdropped." He looked at Bethany guiltily as she frowned at him. "I was afraid that they might be planning something. You told me he was giving Lila trouble and the only other time I've seen him at the Gallows was when he was arranging for you to be given time with Lila…"

"You thought he was up to something again." Bethany sighed. "You know it's dangerous to spy on Meredith."

"But it's a good thing I risked it." Keran smiled at her. "He is planning something. Meredith agreed when he said he would force you to show her support. She gave him some potions that some of the templars have been giving mages. She's going to come in force for Bethany in the morning. She'll hand her over to Sebastian and he plans on using her to force you to surrender to him." He said turning to look at me.

I cringed into Fenris at the word potion. He was going to use them on me again. Fenris snarled. "You failed to mention potions, templar!"

"I was getting to it. And I'm no longer a templar. The order I believed in is long gone now. I only stayed on to keep Bethany safe. She's no longer safe. But I have a plan. One that will remove her from danger. No one would be able to use her against you again, Lila."

"I don't know if I like the sound of that." I said fearing I knew what his plan was. He was going to take her from me.

"What plan?" Bethany asked glancing at me before turning back to him.

"I have passage for you, my sister, and me tonight. A boat bound for Ferelden. You always said you wished you could return home. Now's your chance. Our chance. King Alistair sent out a message saying any able bodied person who wished to reclaim their home and would swear allegiance to him, he would give them some funds to restore their home. He's also protecting mages who live outside of the Circle. I could join the army and keep you and Macha safe. It could be a good life. I wanted to do this right. I wanted to make it as special as you deserve, but there isn't time. Marry me, Bethany. Marry me and I swear I will spend the rest of my life making you happy."

Bethany gasped and looked at him with tears in her eyes. She had always dreamed of love and family. She had always wanted what Mother and Father had. She had thought that life was beyond her once she developed magic. She used to laugh bitterly and say who would want a mage. And here he was.

I could see it in his eyes. He loved her. As much as I wanted to be angry, as much as I wanted to refuse to allow her to leave, I couldn't. He loved her and I knew he would protect her. He had been protecting his sister all his life as well.

He glanced at me as she continued to stare at him stunned. "I know I should have asked for your blessing first, but I am now. I know she won't be happy until she knows that you are fine with this. Please, Champion Lila Hawke, allow me the honor of marrying your sister."

I glanced at Bethany who was watching me with a look mixed of hope and fear. I glanced back at Keran. I reached out and took his hand. "On two conditions."

"Name it." He said smiling in relief as I smiled at him.

"You have to swear to always be true and protect her."

"With all I have and all I am." He vowed.

"And the other?" Bethany asked.

"You have to swear to keep in touch with me. I don't want to lose anyone else." I said moving to her. I pulled her head to mine.

She smiled as tears filled her eyes. "Always."

I nodded to her before turning to Keran. "If my sister will have you, I will gladly call you brother."

"Then all I need now is to know if you will have me." He took Bethany's hand and looked at her expectantly.

"Yes." She cried and threw her arms around his neck. They shared a kiss that was nauseating and heart warming all at the same time. My baby sister wasn't a baby anymore.

Fenris pulled me to him as I worked on not crying myself. I leaned into him trying not to let the fact they were going to be leaving taint the joy of my sister finding love. Fenris cleared his throat after a few moments.

"Not to interrupt, but time is of the essence." He said watching me with unreadable eyes. I couldn't tell if he was upset that I was freeing another mage, he was worried about Sebastian, or if he was just uncomfortable with the whole fluffy love fest in front of us.

"He's right. We have to leave quickly. I got your things from the Gallows before I left. Macha is already on the boat with our things."

"How do you know this boat is safe? Do they know that Bethany is a mage?" I asked worried now that the reality was setting in. Bethany would be out of my reach now. I wouldn't be able to protect her anymore.

"They are. I've been planning this for a while. Meredith and Sebastian just forced me to do it sooner than I had planned." Keran nodded. "I found them through your friend Varric. And no, no one knows Bethany is a mage. I will keep her safe, Lila."

"And you're sure you weren't followed here?" Fenris pressed.

"I was careful. I've been sneaking out of the Gallows for some time now. Cullen told me to take a few days off and spend them with my sister while they sorted out the others involved in Grace and Thrask's plans. They decided that since I turned them in, I wasn't truly involved."

"I would still feel better if we saw you to the boat." I said glancing at Fenris.

"The rest of our companions are here. I can wake them up and let them know what we're doing. They could protect Lea." Fenris nodded.

"Would you do that and check on Lea? Bethany come with me." I said grabbing her hand and pulling her along. "We'll be right back, Keran." I called over my shoulder.

"What are you doing?" Bethany asked as I headed for the vault.

"Getting you a few things." I said and opened the vault. She looked around as I headed to a chest.

"Can you believe that six years ago we were breaking into this to get the will for Mother? So much has changed." She sighed. "Are you sure you're alright with us leaving?"

"I want you to be happy and safe. That's all I've ever wanted." I turned to her holding a box and a bag in my hands. "I'll miss you more than words can say, but knowing you're safe and happy is worth any price I have to pay."

"I'll miss you too. You could come home as well." She said watching me with tears in her eyes.

"Soon. I have to get some things settled here first. But the situation with Sebastian has shown me that I can't stay here for much longer."

"I hate to leave you in this mess." Bethany said looking worried.

"I'll be fine. I'm not alone. Besides, with you gone, that's one less person he has to use against me." I smiled at her.

"I'm so happy you have Fenris."

"Me too. Who would have thought after that disastrous first meeting that we would end up like this?" I laughed and shook my head. "Now before the cavalry comes to see what's taking us so long…" I trailed off and held out the box to her.

"What's this?" She asked and then gasped as she opened it. "This is Mother and Father's rings!"

"I kept them. I thought that you should have them." I smiled willing the tears to stay back as she choked back a sob.

"Oh, Lila! It's too wonderful! But don't you want them?"

"What do I need them for?" I laughed and kissed her cheek. "They would love that you had them. May your marriage be as blessed with happiness and love as theirs was."

"Thank you so much." She said after a few moments. I handed her the heavy bag then. She looked at me in question.

"Just a little wedding gift." She opened it and looked at me stunned. I smiled. "Let's just say that my time in Kirkwall has been…lucrative."

"Lila, this is too much!" She protested.

"It's not. You are starting a new life. I want to know that you will be well taken care of." I hugged her and pulled her out of the vault with me. "Come on. You have a boat to catch."

"I never thought I would have this chance."

"I always knew you would find someone. You are too wonderful not to be loved. I just hope he realizes how wonderful you are." I said as we entered the main hall.

"I do. I thank the Maker every day that she was brought into my life." Keran smiled as we rejoined him and Fenris.

Fenris rolled his eyes at me. "If you are ready, we can leave. Isabela and Anders are staying with Lea until we get back. She's still sound asleep." I nodded to him and turned to Bethany.

"You sure this is what you want? I will fight all of the templars if you want to stay."

"I never wanted that. I want to go home, Lila. And I want to marry Keran." Bethany said taking Keran's hand.

"Then let's see you safely on your way." I nodded.

We hurried through Kirkwall, keeping an eye out for trouble. I was pleasantly surprised when we reached the docks and the coast was still clear. Keran lead us through the ships until we reached a large ship all lit up. We spotted Macha pacing the deck. She waved as she spotted us.

Bethany turned to me and bit her lip as she tried to stop the tears. "I guess this is it. I love you, sister. Promise me that you will come to see us at least."

"I will follow you the first moment I can. Write me the second you are settled." I said hugging her tightly.

"I swear it." She whispered. She then turned and hugged Fenris.

"Take care of them." She said.

"Always." He said looking rather uncomfortable as he lightly patted her back. He nodded to Keran. "Keep her safe."

Keran nodded to him and smiled at me before hugging Bethany to his side. "Thank you for everything." He said to me.

I nodded as Fenris wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled my back against his chest. I waved as Bethany boarded the boat. We stayed there watching as the boat set sail. Before too long it was too far out to make out more than a dark shadow against the water.

"Are you alright?" Fenris asked quietly.

I turned in his arms and laid my head against his chest. I let his steady heartbeat reassure me that I wasn't alone. "I will be." I sighed and pulled back to look at him. His eyes were still unreadable. "Are you mad that I didn't send her back to the Gallows?"

He looked down at me stunned. "You honestly think that my dislike of mages would be so great that I would want you to send her back into danger rather than see her free?"

"No. I don't know. We normally have a fight after I've freed a mage. And you're acting strange."

"I was worried. This could have been a trick to trap you. But they are safely away and no one has jumped out of the shadows to arrest you." He shook his head. "And your sister isn't like other mages. She is the only mage I've met that I believe can and will resist the demon's calls. She is strong, Lila. I respect her."

"You don't know how much that means to me." I said and curled back into his chest. "I'm sorry for thinking you were mad."

"I'm only slightly offended." He said giving me a small smirk. "Now lets get out of here before your luck turns back to normal."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked frowning at him as he took my hand and pulled me along with him.

"Nothing has happened yet. Normally there is some sort of commotion or problem when we make trips like this." He said giving me a half grin.

"You are so funny, Broody." I said and narrowed my eyes at him.

"It's also true." He felt the need to point out.

I sighed. "You're right. We should hurry." I said and moved along quicker as we make our way back through the dangerous parts of Kirkwall, hurrying back to our home and baby.


	49. Chapter 49

**Sebastian**

I slammed my fist down on the table in front of me as I rose up. "What do you mean she got away from you?" I yelled at Meredith as I leaned over the table to face her.

"Do not raise your voice to me, Sebastian." She said coldly. "I am not one who is impressed by your title or your decision to turn against your vows."

"You were willing to work with me so long as I gave you Hawke's support." I said narrowing my eyes at her.

"It would have been serving the good of Kirkwall. They need us united. Hawke is an unfortunately necessary evil. She has too much influence to be allowed to run as she has been. You said you could handle her."

"And you said you could deliver me the mage." I pointed out.

"It is a regrettable thing, but she is beyond our reach now. I can only pray she continues to prove to be the good mage she has been. I shudder to think about the damage Hawke has already unleashed upon Thedas." She shifted back a bit and sat down. "It is a shame that our arrangement isn't going to work. But that said, I need the potions back. They are too valuable to just give away."

"Our arrangement doesn't have to be over. I can still get her. I will just have to do it a little more harshly." I said and sat back down as well. I wasn't giving her the potions back. I would need them to keep Hawke contained while we traveled. It would be easier than having to knock her out each time she woke up.

"You think you can take her by force?" Meredith laughed. "Good luck with that. The whole group of them are holed up in that house now. I never should have allowed those two apostates to go unnoticed. I should have brought them in before. Now if I do it, it would only cause a scene. Attract more people to Hawke's cause."

I frowned at her. "This isn't Hawke's cause. She's too sweet to ever tell them no. She doesn't agree that every mage should be free. She thinks the Circles are necessary. She just wants them to change a bit. She is misguided in her thoughts, but her heart is in the right place." No one would ever bad mouth my beloved. She was a good person. Too good for her own good sometimes.

"So you say. All evidence I've seen points to the contrary. I should have let that Qunari mage kill her all those years ago. If I had realized who she was or known how much trouble she would cause, I would have killed her myself then."

I shot to my feet and glared at Meredith. "You will not stay in my good graces and talk of hurting Hawke. She has done tremendous good for this city. She is meant to be the viscountess."

"I will not allow it. She will continue to allow the mages too much liberty. Can't you see that the mages are the ones destroying everything? We have to crush them now before it's too late!"

"You're mad if you think that hurting Hawke would accomplish anything other than to send all the rest of your supporters into 'her cause' as you call it. The city will stand behind it's Champion."

"Then I will save them all from themselves." She said calmly. "We are done. Return the potions and I will forget that we had this conversation the next time I see the Grand Cleric." I narrowed my eyes at her as she laughed. "Oh, yes. I know all about her forbidding you from having anymore of them. She came to me when she first forbid it. She wanted to make sure you couldn't get them through other channels. How would she feel about her precious little Sebastian if she found out you were still planning on using them?"

"You knowingly went against the will of the Grand Cleric?" I asked dumbfounded. Maybe the woman really was power mad like Hawke said she was.

She arched her brow at me. "As did you."

"I am no longer a member of the Chantry." I felt the need to point out. It pained me to have to go against Elthina's wishes, but she wasn't seeing the big picture anymore.

"No, but you realize that there is too much at stake for half measures anymore. The mages would spread their destruction across the world if we let them. We have to stop them, and any who support them, now."

"We can end this peacefully if I can drug Hawke. They will all listen to her."

"Even those two she protects?" Meredith pushed.

"No. But they can be dealt with. As can any others who resist. Wouldn't a few be better than all?" I asked.

She sighed. "I will give you a few days more, but if you don't have results soon, my hands are tied. If Hawke continues to give me trouble or stir up the people and mages, she will die."

"Do not threaten her, Knight-Commander."

She stood and started for the door. "It isn't a threat, Sebastian. It's a promise. The situation is escalating. I won't allow some backwoods country upstart to destroy this city."

"Perhaps she's not the one destroying it." I said coldly. She glanced back at me.

"Do you want the potions or do you want to fight with me as well?" I narrowed my eyes at her. She smiled coldly. "I thought so. Hurry in your plans, Sebastian. Maker save us all."

"You want us to make her disappear?" Asked the heavily accented voice from the shadows.

I turned and eyed the Antivan man as he emerged, the shadows seeming to slip off of him. I eyed the blond elf whose new guild of assassins I had just recently hired after they had seemed to come out on top in Starkhaven. He was a former Crow from all reports. One they were still actively hunting for, but had yet to kill. That spoke highly of the man and his skills.

"No. She isn't the real issue. The real issue is getting my bride and daughter. Alive and unharmed." I insisted. He made tsking noises at me as he shook his head.

"Death isn't the only thing I am skilled in." He crossed his arms and leaned against the table. So tell me about this woman and her companions."

"Her friends will keep her fairly heavily guarded as are the Coterie and city guards. But I trust that won't be a problem for you."

"No. I have had worse things to get through. And this Hawke girl? Strange name for a woman, but then again I have heard stranger." He laughed.

"Her last name is Hawke." I said frowning at him. A look went across his face I didn't like one bit.

"This doesn't happen to be the Champion of Kirkwall, does it?" He asked.

"Weren't you listening to Meredith and my conversation?" I asked.

"Not too closely. The crazy woman is a bit boring." He shrugged. He then sighed. "So this woman you wish me to kidnap is the Champion."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I take it from your tone you know her."

"You could say we have crossed paths a couple of times." He said vaguely and then waved a hand at me carefree-like. "Have no fear, Prince Sebastian. I will handle the matter of the Champion and your daughter. Personally." He bowed his head to me and hurried out of the room. I hoped I didn't have to worry about him now. I hoped Hawke hadn't wronged him some how and he was going to kill her out of revenge. No, I was paying the man too much for him to disobey me.

It was all going to fall into place now. He would get my beloved girls and we would return home. We could put Meredith, mages, and Kirkwall far behind us. What had the city ever really done for me after all?

_**-0-0-0-0-0-0-**_

_**Author's note: I know it was short compared to the other two chapters. Sorry for both lengths. I'm farther along in my writing than I have posted and am nearing my ending. I have the ending I wanted to use, but several other endings have been floating around in my mind. I'm thinking of doing a few alt endings and I wondered if anyone had any suggestions. If so you can pm me and let me know. I can try and work them in. Thank you to all the readers and a big thanks to all the reviewers. Everytime I'm ready to throw the towel in on this story someone comes along and helps me get through another chapter. So thank you, thank you, thank you!**_


	50. Chapter 50

**Hawke**

I rocked Lea as she slept. I should get up and put her in her crib but after the last few days I needed this quiet time with her. It was my first time alone since Sebastian had come back. The others had been around nonstop then. But right now we were alone. At least up here in the main house.

Fenris and Orana were down in the vault, busy turning it into a second nursery for when we had to leave Lea in the house without us. Anders was off doing something in the clinic. Aveline and Donnic were on duty. Isabela was busy on her ship, getting it ready to set sail. Varric was taking care of selling a few items for me. Merrill was busy packing up her own home. Bohdan was out with Sandal and Bandit, supervising the men he'd hired to load Isabela's ship with our things.

We were leaving. It was apparent that staying here wasn't an option anymore. So we were packing up and getting ready for the journey. Isabela was going to take us to Ferelden. Merrill had decided to go as well. Aveline said she couldn't leave her guards, nor did I expect her to. Anders was being too secretive for even my likings as he said that he wanted to go with Isabela if he could. Varric said he'd come and visit, but Kirkwall was his home. Bohdan and Sandal were heading for Orlais having been offered a position in the Empress' court. Orana had been terrified I would leave her behind. Once I assured her she could come with us if she wanted, she had calmed. Though I could tell the idea of leaving the house scared her. I hoped that in time she would recover from the horrors she had faced.

I looked around the nursery at all the things left to pack and thought of all the memories that we had had here. Kirkwall had been a large part of my adult life. I had found family and love here. I had found a purpose here. Now leaving it felt a little sad and hard. Even harder than leaving Ferelden behind. We hadn't been leaving family behind then.

I looked up at the quiet noise in the doorway expecting to see Fenris. It was a marked elf, but it wasn't my marked elf. "Zevran? How did you…what are you doing here?" I asked shocked to see the former Crow I had been hired to capture, but instead had helped. He was a friend of Isabela, and I found I rather liked the strange man.

"Ah! So wonderful to be remembered. I must say motherhood agrees with you my beautiful Champion." He purred and bowed his head slightly. I stood up and moved to put Lea in her crib. Something didn't seem right. The last time I had spoken with Zevran he had been off to take the battle to the Crows.

"Um, thanks. But what are you doing here?" I said keeping myself between the crib and him as he moved into the room.

"Well, not as I'm supposed to. That's for sure." He chuckled. "Damn that beautiful and infuriating woman. She has ruined me."

"Um…right…you can start making sense anytime now." I said wondering how much longer Fenris was going to be downstairs and if I could get to my daggers that were by the door faster than Zevran could pull his. I remembered his impressive throw when we had fought his captors. I was going to be hard pressed to be able to beat him if it came to a fight.

"My Warden. She has made me soft." He sighed. "I was hired by the Prince of Starkhaven to capture his bride and daughter."

"I'm going to seriously have to reconsider helping people. It seems to keep biting me in the ass." I said narrowing my eyes at him. "I am not Sebastian's bride. And he has no claim to Lea. Did he tell you how we conceived Lea?"

"Oh! Dirty things. No, he didn't." Zevran smirked.

"He drugged me with potions that stripped me of my will and left me open to suggestions. He then slept with me, repeatedly, all the while drugging me and trying to change me. I thought I had been raped by slavers who had caught me. I only found out he was her father, and I use that term loosely, a few days ago."

Zevran looked slightly ill and hung his head a moment. "Not the romantic story I was hoping for at all." He looked back up at me. "I am truly sorry to hear it."

"So you can see why I would want no part of him. If you think you are taking my daughter anywhere, much less to him, you will have to kill me first. I helped you because I believed in you. I won't spare you this time. Come near her and die."

He held his hands out to me. "Now, now, beautiful Champion, I did not know it was you when he hired me. I did not come here to take you or harm you. I came simply to warn you."

I relaxed a little as I eyed him. "Warn me?"

"Yes. He plans on drugging you to let that crazy templar woman use you to put the mages in their place. He's then going to take the two of you back to Starkhaven. He has a tower room all secured and ready to keep you prisoner until you submit to him willingly. He hired my guild to take you."

"You're back with the Crows?" I asked worriedly. Having the Crows after me was the last thing I needed.

He laughed. "No. I have gone into business for myself. I had made my stake in Starkhaven, but I fear I will have to leave there now. Turning against the Prince will be very bad for business."

"So why are you?" I asked wondering if this was a game he was playing at.

He eyed me and his charming act dropped. I saw a man with a haunted past staring back at me. "He didn't say that we might have to resort to kidnapping when he first hired us. He said it was to escort his bride and child home. What he proposes now?" Zevran shook his head and looked away from me. "I know what it is like to have no choice in your actions. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Especially a woman who took my story over the man offering her gold and helped me rather than get paid." He leaned against the doorframe casually. "You see, I have been a very lucky man due in large part to the Ferelden beauty who awaits my return there. And in part to the Ferelden beauty before me now. She gave me a chance when I had tried to kill her. She gave me life and a purpose, all of my own choosing to boot. You saved me when you didn't have to. I could not dishonor either of you by the things he asked me to do."

I frowned confused. "Then why did you set up a guild?"

He sighed. "In truth, I don't want this life anymore, but what else shall I do? And I wanted to take out the Crows. So long as they are around, they will hunt me. All who get close to me will be harmed. So I must stay away from my love to protect her. I grow tired of this. She does as well. I fear she will come for me or go after them if something isn't resolved soon."

"So why not gather your men and return to Ferelden? The king came here not to long ago looking for support and aid. I'm sure he would be more than happy to have a group of mercenaries who would help. You can always take out the Crows after you are established there."

"Alistair is looking for aid, is he? So the rumors of the problems with Orlais are more than rumors. Hmm. Going back does sound good. I hadn't thought to return there yet, but…"

"We are leaving in a few days. I'm sure Isabela wouldn't mind a few more passengers. And I would welcome the aid of blades who would keep a certain Prince away from my baby. So much so as to even pay for their services."

"How soon is a couple of days?" He asked after a few minutes.

"As soon as we can get the rest of this stuff packed and loaded on the boat. Hopefully two days. Would you be ready then?"

"It takes time to liquidate my holdings, but…it could be done. Most of my men are already here. The ones who aren't will need to be given instructions on where to go. Ferelden is as good a place as any."

"If you need help selling things, speak with Varric at the Hanged Man. Tell him Lila sent you and he'll help you. Will Sebastian move before then?"

"Leave the Prince to me. I told him I was personally handling you. He knew you were surrounded right now. Keep the people around you and it will buy me the time. I'll report back that I am keeping an eye on you, waiting for the right time to strike." He took my hand and placed a kiss on it. "It was a lucky day for me when you walked into that cave."

"Your luck's about to run out if you don't back away from her this instance!" Fenris snapped moving into the room behind him. He was glowing and tensed, ready for a battle.

"I see how it is. I had thought I detected sexual tension between the two of you." Zevran smirked at him. Fenris growled.

"Fenris, he came here to warn me about Sebastian's plans. He and his guild are going with us to Ferelden. They are going to protect Lea." I said cutting off the fight before it started. Fenris stood up straight and looked at me worriedly.

"He's planning something else?" He then shook his head and moved to my side. He wrapped his arm around me, clearly staking his claim. "I don't know why I'm surprised."

"Well, he won't be able to. Lucky for me and our beautiful Champion here, he hired me to do the kidnapping." Zevran said smiling at me.

"She isn't yours, assassin." Fenris said rising to Zevran's blatant taunt. "And why should we trust him? What if he's saying all this to earn your trust so you will let your guard down around him? He's not as impressive as he boast about. He would have to have an advantage to be able to best either of us much less both of us."

"Oh-ho! My manly pride is wounded! Why must your companions always wound me so?" Zevran clutched his chest dramatically. I worked at not grinning as Fenris was obviously irritated.

"Fenris, I trust him. Anders said that the Hero of Ferelden spoke of him highly and often. Isabela said he was trustworthy. And he wants to return to the woman he loves."

"He's returning to a woman and still must flirt with you?" Fenris asked.

"It is just how I am. I mean no harm by it. Besides who wouldn't want to call a beautiful woman beautiful? It is a sad day indeed when a beautiful woman isn't showered with compliments." Zevran teased as Fenris watched him through narrowed eyes.

"I don't need or want showered with compliments, thank you all the same." I said grinning at him as Fenris' arm tightened around me.

"Then I shall try to hold my tongue." Zevran said with a wink getting that I was enjoying Fenris' possessiveness as much as he was enjoying poking at Fenris. "I am looking forward to seeing my beloved again. We have much catching up to do."

"If you love her, why did you leave her?" Fenris asked.

"She wasn't safe with me beside her. The Crows hunt me and would use her to get to me."

"But from all stories, the Hero has been having nonstop trouble. First with Amaranthine and then once she returned to Denerim as the king's chancellor. And rumors speak of several Crow assassination attempts as well. Wouldn't it have been better to stay and protect her rather than run all over Thedas?"

"If you knew that someone would continue to hunt you until they were all gone or you were dead, would you stay by Hawke's side? If just being beside you made her more of a target? Or would you take the fight to them and keep them away from her?"

"I don't know. I knew Hawke was in danger by my side, but I didn't leave her." Fenris said after a few moments.

"In your defense, we weren't together all that time. And I would have hunted you down and throttled you for leaving me. I'm not some helpless waif. I could have helped. I would imagine that your Warden is going to be none to happy with being left behind either." I said turning to Zevran.

Zevran sighed heavily. "This is far too true. But I am used to being on my own. As a Crow I learned not to rely on anyone else except how you could use them. I am new to all this relationship stuff. I did as I thought best."

"You've kept in touch right?" I asked as he looked sad now.

"I've sent letters when I could. I was making my way back to her when we had our chance encounter. I felt there was a bit more I had to do first. But perhaps you are both right. It is time for me to return to her." He nodded and gave us a quick smile. "I shall take my leave. I will see to the arrangements at once. And I will keep the Prince off of you. Thank you for trusting me again. If you need me, I'll be around."

"Are we sure he's from a guild of assassins?" Fenris asked shaking his head as Zevran chatted up a bewildered Orana before leaving.

I laughed and wrapped my arms around his neck. "He can't hold a candle to you." I said and kissed Fenris' frown. "And I feel better knowing that he and his men are going to be between Sebastian and us."

"You really believe him?"

"I do."

"I will be watching him closely." Fenris said with a sigh. "The nursery is set up. Orana and Bohdan know the tunnels to get them out if need be. She also knows how to bolt all the locks on both doors of the vault. We have gone over all the escape routes and every scenario I can think of."

"It's going to be alright. Just two more days and we'll put him far behind us. We'll get lost in Ferelden." I said hugging close to him as we watched Lea sleep.

"Don't you want to return to Lothering?"

I shook my head quickly. "Going back to see Bethany will be hard enough. That place holds too many bad memories. I want to go somewhere else. Somewhere no one knows us. I just want to be Lila again. Not the Champion or even Hawke."

"I've been thinking about that as well." He said.

"Me not being known?" I asked pulling back to look up at him.

"Well…more than just that. Your last name. It's rather infamous now. Perhaps it is time to change it."

I sucked in a breath at the thought of it. I knew that it would be hard to stay hidden going by it, but it was so much a part of me, I wasn't sure if I could. "I get what you're saying, but it's part of my identity. I don't know that I would want to give it up."

"But…Bethany took Keran's last name, didn't she?" He asked.

"She will after they get married. That is traditionally what happens after a girl gets married." I said nodding slowly.

"I know that I don't have a last name right now, but I was thinking that we could pick one for us." He said looking nervous.

"You don't have a last name from before?"

"No. I was born a slave. Slaves don't have last names. We are nothing more than property. And stop changing the subject." He said frowning at me.

"If I knew what the subject was, I would try not to change it." I said wondering if I had missed something.

"Lila…venhedis!" He growled. "If I chose a last name, would you take it?"

"You want to give me a new last name?" I asked confused to why that was making him so angry.

"No. Yes. Festis bei umo canavarum!" He snapped and stalked away, running a hand through his hair.

"Um…that didn't sound very nice."

"It means you are going to be the death of me." He snapped and turned back to me. His head hung down and he was tense.

"Fenris, I don't want to be the death of you. If it means that much to you, then of course I'll change my last name." I said watching him as his head snapped up and he watched me with widened eyes.

"You mean it?"

"I didn't realize my name bothered you so much." I said confused at his relieved look. He looked defeated and hung his head again.

"It doesn't. Just…never mind. It was foolish." I caught his arm as he started out of the room.

"What was foolish? What am I missing here?"

He sighed and wouldn't look at me. "Don't, Lila. I am not one of your jokes."

"Fenris, I've never viewed you as one of my jokes. I didn't know it meant so much to you. It's fine. It's just a name. What do I care if I have to change it? It won't change who my father was."

"But you said after marriage girls change their names anyway, so why would that change who your father was?" He asked turning to look at me over his shoulder.

"Marriage?" I asked shocked.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Fenris**

She looked as if I had suggested feeding Lea to Bandit. I should have known better. She had once said marriage wasn't something she had ever considered. I had just foolishly thought it was the next step for us.

"Like I said it was foolish." I said and pulled away from her. I couldn't stand there and listen to all her explanations for why it wasn't a good idea. I would try and forget I had ever even suggested it. We were fine the way we were. So long as she wanted me by her side, it would be enough. Wouldn't it?

"Fenris, wait!" She said moving around to stop me. I couldn't look at her though.

"Lila, please." I begged. "I'm not going anywhere but back to the basement. I just can't right now."

"No, wait, give me a minute. I'm trying to wrap my head around it."

"Stop patronizing me! I don't want your pity." I hissed at her. She glanced at sleeping Lea and jerked my arm, forcing me to follow her into the hall. She didn't let me go as she quietly closed the door and turned to face me.

"I'm not patronizing you. I'm trying to make sure my ears are still working."

"Now is not the time for your jokes, Lila. I'm in no mood to humor you." I snapped.

"Fenris, it's not that I don't want to. I didn't even realize that's what you were getting at. I mean marriage is the last thing I would have thought you would want."

"Why?" I demanded and looked at her.

"Well…it's not like we have the most normal relationship." She said after a moment. "And marriage is just something I've never really thought about at all. I mean you said you were staying. I consider us a family as it is. That's enough for me." She shrugged and looked at me helplessly.

"So you don't want to marry me?" I asked as the silence began to stretch.

"Do you want to marry me?" She countered.

"I believe I'm the one who brought this up." I said frowning at her.

"I know, but I want to know if it's truly what you want and not something that you think needs to happen or that I'm expecting to happen. I want to know that's what you want." She said moving closer to me.

"I didn't know that I wanted it until after Keran proposed to Bethany. I had never thought of marriage until then." I sighed and laced my fingers through hers.

I couldn't blame her for not thinking about marriage if I hadn't been either. Not until that sickening display her soon to be brother-in-law had done with Bethany. I had then started thinking about marriage. It wasn't beyond me now, we could have that if we wanted it. She was right though. We planned on staying together, it was enough.

"So my sister getting married is what brought this about? That and the fact you didn't like Zevran flirting with me?" She shook her head and moved away from me. "Aren't you relieved that I'm clueless or you would be stuck with the half-hearted proposal?"

"Lila, it wasn't half-hearted. Well, it wasn't the most thought out, I'll give you that, but my heart was in it. As a slave, marriage was not even something that would enter my thoughts. I was content with our life as it has been. I will continue to be if this is all you want. But the thought of making this real…of letting the world know that you are mine, that I am yours, it is an appealing thought. I want to share more than just my life with you. I want to share a name, build a family and home. That is why I proposed." I squeezed her hand and then started to move away. "But you are right. We are a family already. It will be enough."

I got to the stairs before she spoke. "Free man."

"What?" I asked turning back to her.

"You're now a free man." She said walking towards me.

"Didn't we already establish this?" I asked confused.

She smiled. "No, silly man. Your last name that I will take when you agree to marry me. Freeman."

I stared at her for a moment, mulling the name in my mind. It was perfect. I pulled her to me. "So you will?"

"If you really want that, then I would love to marry you."

"I really want it." I said quickly.

She smiled. "Good, cause I do too." She kissed me. "And the name? If you don't like it, you can change it. I don't care what we're called."

"I think it's perfect." I said picking her up and wrapping her legs around my waist. "Now all that's left is finishing up and getting to Ferelden. I'm hoping you aren't going to want a lavish ceremony."

She laughed as she hugged me. "No way. How about out at sea? Isabela's a captain. She can perform it. Or if you want a Chantry blessed union, we can get married in Lothering."

"Sea would make it sooner, but I know that you are sad you are going to miss Bethany's. I won't make her miss ours as well."

"Have I mentioned that I love you?" She sighed.

"Not lately, but I am one who prefers action to words." I smirked at her as her eyes lit up with mischief. She wiggled out of my arms and clasped my hand in hers.

"Well then allow me to demonstrate." She said and drug me towards the bedroom.


	51. Chapter 51

**Fenris**

"Lila, I'm not sure this is the wisest course of action." I said frowning as we stood outside the Chantry. We had been fighting about this since she had first suggested it.

"You are more than welcome to go home. I really think that I need to do this. Do you think Sebastian told her everything that's happened? Maybe she doesn't know that he and Meredith are up to no good. Maybe she can restore peace to Kirkwall. Maybe I won't have to feel guilty about leaving here." She said turning to me with those eyes I was a sucker for.

I sighed heavily. "Fine. But you aren't going in there alone. We are going in together. If there is one sign that something's up…"

"We are out of there faster than Isabela can find a man." She said smiling at me. I rolled my eyes and followed her into the Chantry. I stayed behind her, scanning all the shadows and people, looking for anything out of place.

The Grand Cleric spotted us, her eyes growing wide for a second before she hurried to us. "Champion, I didn't expect to see you here. Is there something you need?" She asked as she reached us.

"Can we speak in your office?" Lila asked. The Grand Cleric eyed me a moment and then nodded.

"Of course, follow me." She said and lead us through the chantry. She eyed me as she shut the door behind us. I laid my hand on Lila's shoulder and glared at the woman. She moved and sat behind her desk as Lila sat in one of the chairs in front of it. I remained standing behind her. "Is there something specific you wished to talk about?"

"Did Sebastian explain to you what happened a few days ago?" Lila asked. I was surprised by how calm and poised she was being. I would be raging at the woman in front of me if I was her.

"I heard rumors that some mages and templars took a child and woman hostage. I take it you had something to do with it?" The Grand Cleric asked.

"If by something you mean it was my sister and daughter they took hostage, then yes. I had something to do with it." Lila said and crossed her arms as she leaned back in her chair. Her eyes narrowed at the woman.

"Lea? Is she alright?" The Grand Cleric asked quickly, worry clearly on her face.

"She is safe now. But the leader of the group was wanting to exact revenge upon me for a wrong she feels I committed against her. She told me lots of things. Things I was afraid Sebastian would neglect to tell you."

"Why would he need to tell me anything?" She asked puzzled.

"Because they concerned both of you…and your plot to get me pregnant and use me to control the mages."

The Grand Cleric gasped and looked at Lila horrified. "Champion, it's not the way it sounds. Andraste came to me…" She started but Lila cut her off with an angry wave of her hand.

"Yes, yes in a dream. I know. See the thing you don't know, and Sebastian refuses to believe, is that it wasn't Andraste. It was a demon. The mage made a deal with the demon to ruin me. She couldn't corrupt Sebastian at first. She had to drag you into it as well." Lila leaned forward and laid her hands on the desk as she stood up. "I am sorry that you were brought into a plot to hurt me, but I am also disgusted to know that you would fall prey to a demon. I get that we are all mortal and make mistakes, but how could you possibly believe that the Maker or Andraste would want you to do the things that you were doing to me?"

"Hawke, please let me explain." She begged and stood as well. "I knew the two of you cared for each other. I knew that his vows were the only thing holding you apart. He kept the vows because he thought that's what you wanted. Then I had the dream telling me that it was the Maker's will for the two of you to be together. That you would strength the Free Marches as a couple. That your children would usher in an era of peace. Why wouldn't I believe that?"

"So your idea to accomplish that was to drug me? Strip my will and have him lay with me without my knowledge? What did you honestly think would happen when I found out? That I would say, 'It's ok, it was the Maker's will'? Do you really think that He would be alright with what the two of you did? You two used me! You tried to turn me into something else. You tried to drive away my friends. You guided Sebastian in this. You told him that what he was doing wasn't rape. He honestly thinks that it wasn't because I didn't say no!" Lila slammed her hands on the desk, making the Grand Cleric jump. "He still refuses to see the truth of this. I could forgive you all of this if you would all just stay away from me." Lila paced away to the door and turned back to her. "Did you know he's enlisted Meredith to help him now? They stormed my house looking for Bethany. Meredith gave Sebastian potions and agreed to hand him Bethany if he would force me to support her in this madness between her and the mages."

"What? No! They wouldn't do that!" The Grand Cleric said shaking her head.

"But they did. And they are. I am not a tool to be used, Grand Cleric. Not by you, not by anyone. If you would stand up and put a stop to Meredith's power trip, the mages would back down. They only revolt as they are because no one is opposing her."

"If the Maker wills it…" The Grand Cleric started, but Lila's bitter laugh cut her off.

"Yes. Stand behind your version of the Maker's will. Just like you are about the things you have done to me. If you weren't in the Chantry, you would be hanged for the things you two have done to me. But because of your positions, it would just get swept up."

"Hawke, we meant well." She said stopping Lila from leaving. "We only wanted what was best for you."

"And you think you get to decide what's best for me?" Lila shook her head. "I am not some project for you two. I'm a person with opinions and feelings. The Maker made me who I am. Who are you to decide to change that?" Lila pulled the door open and eyed her. "I hope you will see the truth of the situations before it's too late. Kirkwall needs you. You were once a woman I greatly respected. I hope you can find her again before it's too late."

"The mage said it was a demon? That Andraste wasn't really in my dreams?" The Grand Cleric asked sounding broken.

"She did. She knew too much apparently for it not to be true. Sebastian only said that she was lying to try and steal our destiny, he didn't say that what she said was false except that it wasn't a demon, but Andraste."

"Maker forgive me." The Grand Cleric said sitting down heavily. "What have I done?" She whispered. She glanced at Lila. "I didn't know. I thought I was doing their will. I thought I could make you both happy. I love him as a son. I just wanted you two to be happy. You were so sad and so much had happened to you. I thought…"

"I forgive you, Grand Cleric, but I can't forget. I want to hate you, but I can't. I have Lea and no matter how she came about, I am happy to have her. But that in no way makes up for what you two have done to me."

"Will you come back and we can talk more? I want to make this right somehow." The Grand Cleric said watching Lila.

"I'm leaving Kirkwall. We're setting out tomorrow. There is nothing that can be done or said to make this right. I just wanted you to know the truth of it. Goodbye, Grand Cleric." Lila clasped my hand and we walked out of the Chantry and into the light.

"Are you alright?" I asked as she paused to take a deep breath. She gave me a shaky smile.

"I will be. The sooner we're away from all of this mess the better."

"Did you really forgive her? Can you really forgive her?" I asked as we started walking slowly.

"It's not for her. It's for me. So long as I hold onto the anger of it, I'm only hurting me. And yes, I can forgive her. She loves Sebastian and wanted to see him happy. A demon corrupted her. Some of my favorite people have been corrupted by demons for a time." She said and elbowed me. I turned away from her as embarrassment heated my cheeks. I didn't like thinking of how easily I had fallen for it's offer. So easily that I had been willing to hurt Lila to get it.

"Champion! I've been looking everywhere for you! You have to come quick! Knight Commander and the First Enchanter are fighting again. Your friends tried to break it up, but it's escalating. Guard Captain Aveline asked me to come and find you. Hurry!" Said the rattled guard.

"Great. More drama." I sighed.

"Yes, but it will be the last of their drama I have to be involved in. Maybe now the Grand Cleric will listen to both sides rather than ignoring the problem." She said and hurried after the guard. I had a feeling things were only going to get worse.

And I was right. The crowd pressed around, demanding retribution as the Chantry blew sky high, ending the argument that Lila had been trying to sort out between the head of the templars and mages. All eyes turned to the abomination who was Lila's friend. She looked at him horrified. Her heart was clearly broken.

"Anders…what have you done? This isn't the potion you had me…no, Anders!" Lila said and stumbled back as he turned sad eyes to her.

"I'm sorry, Hawke. There could be no peaceful solution to this." He said.

Sebastian shoved through the crowd and jerked Lila around to face him. "You had a hand in this? You helped that abomination destroy the Chantry? Kill him! Avenge Elthina!"

Lila jerked away from him and took a step over, guarding Anders. "No." She said shaking her head.

"What if I had been in there?" Sebastian snapped at her.

"Then it would have solved my problem." She snapped back. His eyes widened in shock.

"Hawke, you can't mean that!" Sebastian said shaking his head.

"You have all seen what happens when mages are out of control. I invoke the Right of Annulment. Templars, with me. We will wipe them out. Every last one of them!" Meredith ordered. Even I could see that was going too far. Only Anders was responsible for blowing up the Chantry.

"No! Champion, do something! You can't let her punish us all for something one man did!" The First Enchanter begged.

I could see the look in Lila's eyes. She was pushing aside her emotions and hardening for the coming battle. I was thankful that Lea and Orana were locked safely away in the basement because I had little doubt we were going to be in a battle that would tear the city apart. I just had to ensure we survived it.

"I won't stand by and allow you to hurt the mages." Lila said turning to Meredith.

"Think about your actions, Hawke. You side with them and you will suffer their fate." Meredith warned her.

Lila narrowed her eyes at her. "Then I will share their fate. I will not allow you to bully them anymore."

"So be it. Maker have mercy on your soul. Men gather forces, we will finish this in the Gallows. No need for more innocents to lose their lives tonight." Meredith said and began withdrawing. Orsino turned to Lila then.

"Thank you, Champion. I will gather my mages together. We'll await you at the Gallows. With luck we can beat them back and find a way to hold them off." He glared at Anders who was passively sitting on a box waiting for his punishment. I had little doubt that he wasn't going to get it. Lila loved him too much to see him harmed. "I'll leave you to deal with your friend." He spat the word friend and left.

"Kill him and I will join with you to protect the mages. I will summon all my guards. You're right about Meredith. She's gone mad." Sebastian said moving closer to her.

"Anders will fight with us. He will try to fix the mess he caused." Lila said frowning at Anders.

"You would spare him? What of Elthina and all the others?" Sebastian demanded coldly.

"I have to think of the ones left to help, Sebastian."

"Then go. Take your precious elf and abomination. But know that I will hunt you all down. I will make you pay for this. You and Lea are mine, Hawke. There is no where you can go that I won't find you." He said and started off.

"He's going to go after Lea now." I said torn between going after our daughter and protecting Lila.

"She's safe in the basement. I can't think about Lea right now. I have to do this, Fenris. Go back to her. Keep them safe. If I don't return…"

"Don't even say it. I'm not leaving you. And you damned sure aren't leaving me. We're in this together." I said resting my forehead against hers.

"I'm going to help too." Merrill said with a nod.

"Are you sure about this?" Aveline asked. Lila nodded to her. She sighed heavily. "Then I am with you as well. I'll issue some orders to my men, keep the people out of the fight. I'll meet you at the boat. Don't leave without me."

"I'm sick of this whole mess. Got room on the ship for one more?" Varric asked glancing at Isabela. She nodded. "Ferelden here I come." He grumbled. "I'm with you, Hawke. To the end and back." He nodded to her.

"You always make life interesting." Isabela sighed dramatically. "But that's part of your charm."

"I will fight to the death to protect the mages. Thank you for believing in me still. I should have trusted you more." Anders said clasping her hand.

"I'm still very mad at you, Anders. So don't die. I'm not done yelling at you yet." She said and squeezed his hand. "I wish there was time to check on Lea first, but…" She trailed off as Zevran appeared.

"No worries, Champion. My men are guarding the house. Sebastian will not get near it. And I found a friend who wanted in on the fun as well." Zevran said motioning to the Warden we had rescued in the Deep Roads.

"Nate?" Lila asked. "Zevran?"

"You didn't think we were going to miss out on the fight, did you? Shame on you! I never miss out on a good fight." Zevran tisked her.

"And the Wardens wanted to aid their ally. The others are watching your house as well. Let's go and save some mages." Nate said nodding to her.

She held tight to my hand as we took the boat to the Gallows. I had always hated that place for more than just the mages being there. The statues were ones used to intimidate slaves. The whole place felt oppressive and dark. It seemed so much worse now.

"Me fighting for mages freedom. You take me to some strange places, Lila." I said hoping to ease some of the worry in her eyes. She gave me a smile.

"Stick with me, Fenris. I'll take you to some even stranger places."

"There is no where I would rather be than at your side." I pulled her close to me and tangled my hand in her hair. "I might not get the chance to say this again. Meeting you is the most important thing to happen to me. Promise me you won't die. I can't bear the thought of living without you."

"I don't plan on dying." She said watching me.

"You better not!" I growled and jerked her to me tightly.

She sighed and rested her head against mine. "You better not either. We have plans, Broody."

"Nothing will keep me from you." I vowed. I kissed her as if it would be the last kiss. You never knew in battle. The only thing I could know for sure was I would die to make sure she survived. We kept holding hands as we disembarked and hurried into the Gallows. We shared a final glance before she was pulled away to organize the battle ahead. I took comfort in my training and cleared my mind. This was for my beloved girls. This last obstacle and then we could enter a future of our own choosing.

-0-

The battle was long and bloody. Night gave way to morning before it was finally over. I wasn't sure what had happened to Meredith, but that damned lyrium idol had corrupted her. We had all survived, but we were a battered group who limped back to the ship and hurried back to Kirkwall. The templars who were left were giving us the rest of today to clear out.

I pulled Lila into my lap as silent tears fell down her bloody cheeks. Her armor was torn and bloody, cuts and bruises evident. Anders was too exhausted to do more than the most critical of wounds. Health potions would have to suffice for a while.

"Lila." I whispered.

"He knew, Fenris. He knew all along and he did nothing to stop him." She whispered.

"I'm sorry." I said and wrapped my arms around her lightly. I knew she was hurting in more than just her body aches.

Orsino had transformed into a monster, using the dead mages to do it. And the magic ritual he used had been one that the necromancer who had murdered her mother had used. The necromancer had been a Circle mage. Orsino had known about his research and told him it was too vile to use. That had been all he had done about it. If he had come forward, four women would still be alive right now, including Leandra.

Orsino hadn't stopped with the templars, he had then attacked us. Lila had been forced to kill him. She had stood over his broken body in shock. I had been forced to drag her along with us as the fight moved farther into the Gallows as the templars pressed forward. I had feared she wouldn't snap out of it, but she had.

She had fought as if she was an avenging spirit sent to right the wrongs of the world. Every time I turned she was on someone else. Fighting with a brutality and grace that I had never seen before. She was amazing. But now that the battle high was wearing off, she was broken again.

"So many dead for what?" She asked looking at me. "What did we accomplish tonight? War will come from this. More will die. Fenris, I've doomed the world."

"You're being a bit dramatic, aren't you?" I teased hoping to snap her out of her sadness.

"Am I? I'm supposed to be a damn Champion. Look at the city." She said pointing to it. Fires raged close to the giant charred remains of the Chantry. Pandemonium could be heard as we neared it. The guards were hard pressed to stop the fighting and looting. "What have I done?" She whispered.

"This isn't your fault, Hawke. Don't go down that road." Varric said moving to our side. "You had no idea what Blondie was planning. If anyone is to blame for this, it's him."

"He's right. I knew what was going to happen. And we have accomplished something, Hawke. The other Circles will hear of this and rise up. No longer will we be slaves to the templars!" Anders said trying to encourage her. She turned to me and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"I want to go home."

"We are. Just as soon as we dock we'll go home." I promised.

"No. Ferelden. I want to get our family and leave."

"We'll set out as soon as everyone gets back to the ship." Isabela promised. "My men are ready. Everyone's things are secured. We can set out as soon as you get back."

"Come, Hawke. We will gather your family and my men. We can then be away from this mess." Zevran said as we docked.

"It's going to be alright, Lila." I promised as I stood up with her. She nodded and squeezed my hand before moving away from me.

"Sorry for the pity party everyone. Now lets get our stuff and clear out before they decide our heads should decorate the walls." She said smiling at the others. Her smile never reached her eyes, but none of us could blame her. We were all feeling off right now.


	52. Chapter 52

**Hawke**

I felt like a failure as we made our way through the city. People ran around frantic and scared. I couldn't bare to look anyone in the eye. I wanted to collapse from weariness, both mental and physical, but we had to keep going. We could rest on the ship.

I felt relief when I saw my house still safe and secure. The Wardens were gathered around the front. I didn't see Zevran's men, but I had little doubt they were around.

"Champion, it is good to see you alive." Stroud said as we moved towards him.

"Thank you for keeping watch on my home." I said moving to shake his hand.

"We Wardens like to look out for our allies. And we know that you have been helpful often to us Wardens. If you are finished, we will take our leave. We need to get out of the city as soon as possible."

"Good luck on your mission." I nodded to him and gave Nate a quick hug. "Thank you for helping me."

"I seem to be drawn to helping unavailable women." He said and turned to shake Fenris' hand. Take care of her." Fenris nodded to him and then motioned me to enter the house.

"My men and I will await you out here, Hawke." Zevran said nodding as he disappeared into the shadows.

"We'll be quick." I promised.

"Thank goodness it's you! We've been so worried. I take it from the noise outside, we're going to be leaving sooner than we thought?" Bohdan asked as we moved into the house.

"I'm afraid so. Seems I've worn out my welcome."

"Then it is their loss. We'll have everything finished in two shakes, Mistress. Go on and get your baby." He said and shooed us on.

"I'll sweep the house." Fenris said and started up the stairs. I hurried down to the basement and gave the knock.

"Mistress?" Orana called.

"It's me, Orana. We have to hurry. We're leaving now." I said and waited for her to open all the locks. She pulled the door back and watched me with her fearful eyes.

"We're leaving now? Has something happened?"

"A lot." I sighed. "It's a long story. We can talk about it on the ship. You still want to go with us, right?"

"Yes, Mistress. I want to stay with you and Master. I'll take good care of your new home in Ferelden." She nodded and handed me Lea.

"Well, little one, it looks like you're all ready to go, huh?" I kissed her cheek, happy for this bit of goodness after all the horrors we had seen and done. Orana gathered the things we were taking with us and I headed for the stairs. I walked through the empty rooms one last time. This had been home for a long time now.

"Are you going to miss it?" Fenris asked coming up behind me. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back against him. Lea reached over my shoulder for him. He placed a kiss on my temple and then took her from me.

"Yes. More than I thought possible. So much has happened here. But I'm taking the most important parts with me." I smiled at him.

"Everything and everyone is ready. There has been no sign of Sebastian. We should leave now while we can."

"I agree."

He caught my hand as I looked back again. "We will build a new home, Lila."

I smiled at him and really meant this one. "I look forward to it."

We made it all the way to the Siren's Call 2 before we ran into trouble. I tightened my hold on Lea and cringed back as Sebastian and a lot of guards stepped out and blocked our way. Fenris shifted in front of me as did Zevran.

Sebastian pulled his eyes off of us and frowned at Zevran. "I'm going to assume that you being with my bride and daughter is to bring her to me, not to take them away from me."

Zevran laughed. "You know what they say about people who assume, right?"

"You have betrayed me then. I should have known I couldn't trust you. It matters not. Surrender to me, Hawke, and no one has to be hurt."

"Come any closer, my friend, and you will be hurt." Zevran warned him. Shadows shifted and men could be seen all around, arrows drawn and pointed at Sebastian. Sebastian glanced at them.

"You can't do this to me, Hawke. The Maker has given you to me. Don't leave me like this. I can forgive you for allowing the abomination to live. I should have known you wouldn't be able to do as was necessary. I know he's on the ship. Come with me, and I'll let him go. For now." Sebastian said calmly.

"Sebastian, you have to see the truth of it. A demon was the one giving the dreams. The Maker didn't do this to us. And the Maker wouldn't want anymore bloodshed. You have to let us go, Sebastian."

"I can't do that." He said and his eyes were pleading with me. My heart broke as I looked at him. He was struggling with all of this as well. I could see it then. Why he refused to believe it was a demon. If he did, then he had hurt me. He would be the monster we accused him of being.

"Sebastian, please." I said and handed Lea off to Orana. I moved closer to him. Fenris tried to stop me, but I waved my hand at him. "We were friends once. We cared about each other."

"I love you, Hawke. I don't want to hurt you." He said moving closer.

"Then let me go."

"Hawke, please." He begged.

"Let me go, Sebastian. Don't become that other person. Find yourself again. Don't let hate and anger and fear take who you are. Let us go."

"Hawke…"

"If you ever cared about us, you will let us get on that ship and leave." I pressed.

"I do care about you."

"Then let us leave."

"I just want to take care of you."

"Too much has happened, Sebastian." I shook my head as he reached out his hand to me.

He looked broken and it was all I could do not to comfort him. Despite everything he had thought he was doing what was right. It was horrible the things he had done, but he hadn't been in his right mind when he had done it. He was a victim in this as well. If I could see that about Elthina, I had to about him as well. It hurt less to think of him doing the things he had done to me because he cared.

"I don't want to fight with you. Let them leave." He said to his men. The men all moved back allowing us room to get by. I motioned for Zevran and his men to go. Fenris refused to go, but motioned Zevran to take Lea and Orana onto the ship. He moved to stand beside me.

"Thank you, Sebastian." I said and clasped Fenris' hand.

"I will find you." He vowed.

"You come near them and I swear…" Fenris started, but I squeezed his hand.

"Find yourself first, Sebastian. Maker guide you to the truth." I said and pushed Fenris towards the ship.

"Maker protect you until you are back with me." Sebastian called.

Fenris started to turn around, but I pushed him. "Don't. He's letting us leave. That's all that matters right now."

"He won't give up, Lila." Fenris said angrily. I glanced back at Sebastian.

"Maybe. Maybe not. Enough have died today. I just want to leave it all behind us."

"You're going to forgive him, aren't you?" He asked angrily.

"I have to, Fenris. I can't hold onto the anger and hurt either. I won't let anyone strip anymore of me away."

"What he did to you is unforgivable!" He snapped.

"Fenris, I don't want to fight about this. I've had all the fighting I can take." I said and rubbed my head wearily.

"Lila, you have to see reason about him. If you give him an inch, he's going to take it."

"Fenris, he's trying to keep believing it was the Maker so he's not a monster. He's going to have to live with what he did to me. He's going to have to live without getting to see Lea grow up. He's being punished enough. I don't want anyone else to die. Not because of me. Please." I begged and wrapped my arms around him.

He sighed angrily and then wrapped his around me. "I just can't stand the thought of losing you."

"You're not going to lose me, silly. I do believe you're stuck with me now." I smiled at him as he tugged me closer.

"I think I can live with that."

I laid my head against his chest as the rest of the crew and our friends settled the ship around us. Orana had taken Lea and Bandit down to the room Isabela had given us. Anders was below decks as well. I still needed to yell at him, but it could wait. Varric was leaned against the mast writing as fast as he was able. Merrill was following Isabela around asking a million questions.

"Have room for two more?" Aveline asked as she and Donnic appeared at the dock.

"Aveline?" I asked pulling back from Fenris.

"Seems that we're going to Ferelden after all. Hope the king's offer is still good." Aveline said as they climbed onboard.

"Good timing, Big Girl. We were just about to set off." Isabela said as she moved by us.

"I'm sorry." I said as Aveline stopped beside us. She gave me a shrug and sad smile.

"I'd be too worried if you were too far. Besides how would we keep our niece?" She said and carried her pack towards the stairs. Donnic gave me a nod and followed after her.

Fenris hugged me tightly. "This isn't your fault." He whispered. I sighed and curled into him. It was, but there was no point in arguing with him about it.

We moved to the rails and watched Kirkwall as the ship slowly moved away from dock. I remembered all those years ago watching as it had grown closer. For better or worse, I was going home.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Author's Note: I am working on my endings. I want to post them together so it may take a few days before I update again. Thanks for hanging in with me. **


	53. Chapter 53 Fenris Ending

_**Author's Note: I apologize for this chapter being so long. I wanted to do each ending contained in one chapter instead of making multiple stories. I tried to make the pov changes noticeable. Each ending will be starting from Chapter 52 where Hawke and company flee to Ferelden. This is the Fenris ending. The one I originally intended when I started writing this story. Thank you to all the readers and reviewers. And again, sorry for the length of the endings.**_

**Two Years Later**

**Sebastian**

"We've found them, your Highness." Said Brendan. He was the head of my elite guards. A group who I had searched for and spent a fortune to procure. They were skilled in tracking and less savory things.

"Where?" I asked moving away from the window.

"Denerim. They changed their name. Going by Freeman now. They have a place outside of the city. He's a guard of some sort. Leads a group of elven fighters." Brendan said. It was as I had suggested for him to do for me. Bastard. I didn't care about him though.

"And them?"

"She doesn't seem to be working. There's something else." He paused as I turned to him. "She's had another child. A son. He's around six months old."

It was a blow that staggered me. My beloved had another child. His child. I sat down heavily. He should have been ours. He would have been the son the dreams had foretold. Instead she had given him to that elf.

"What do you want us to do?" Brendan asked as silence stretched.

"Prepare for a trip." I said and stood up. Time had come for me to reclaim what was mine.

"You want us to grab your daughter and Hawke?"

"No, I want you to take me to them." I said and moved back to the window. "This time I have something she won't be able to refuse."

"What about the elf and baby?"

I paused wondering what to do about them. As much as I hated the thought of her having a child with anyone else, the fact was, he was hers. She would hate me if I took him from her. "We'll take the baby as well. If we can help it, I want to leave Fenris alive. Let him see what it's like to have someone take his love and child from him."

"As you wish." He bowed and started for the door.

I waited until he was gone before I headed to the dungeons. I motioned the guard to open the door and then stepped into the cell. "The time has come." I said sneering at the creature before me.

"So you're finally going to give me death? Finally got tired of torturing me?" Anders asked. His voice was thick with lack of use and the little bit of water he was given. Just enough food and water to keep him alive.

I had had him captured for six months now. I knew how much he hated to be in the dark, so he was kept in the darkest part of the dungeons. The air was stale and damp here. The only time he was allowed to see daylight was when I had him beaten. I wanted to strip all that remained of the man until all could see the monster he truly was.

He shifted, trying to stand up, but he couldn't because of his bindings. The chains that bound him were special made and bought from Tevinter. They nullified a mage's magic. They were heavy and thick and kept him weighed down.

"I'm not giving you death. You're going to serve a purpose yet. You're going to get me Hawke and Lea back." I said watching him as he glared at me.

"The Void I will! I don't know where they are. And even if I did, I would never tell you. Do you honestly think I would let her suffer at your hands?"

"I don't need you to find them. I've already found them. They weren't hiding too much anymore it seems."

He jerked the chains and glared at me. "You want to hurt someone, hurt me. Leave them alone."

"You idiot! I would never hurt them! I love them. They belong here with me."

"Can't you see the truth? Even after all this time, are you still so blind? She doesn't love you! She never will love you! You were used to hurt her. The Maker had no part in it. Playing dumb to the fact, doesn't change it."

"She just needs to give us a chance. Time together will change her mind." I protested. I wasn't sure why I was arguing this with him. Maybe it was just that he had known her as long as I had. No one else did.

"Sebastian, you lost her long before she knew the truth of what had been done to her. She cannot accept your views on the Chantry and mages. She isn't the person you think she needs to be. She can't be that person. Leave her alone. She's happy with Fenris."

"She'll be happy with me." I snapped at him. She would. I would make sure of it. "We can sort out or differences. We were never given a chance. All of you made sure of it. She would be here with me right now if you had all stayed out of it." I yelled at him and started for the door.

"If we had stayed out of it, she would be dead or a mindless husk now. That was what you did to her, Sebastian. Not us."

His words froze me in my tracks. I didn't like to think about the potions or her slow slip into insanity. I hadn't meant for that to happen. She would see this. She would understand. I had only wanted to save us. Save her.

"Prepare him for the trip. Brendan will send word as soon as we're ready for him." I told the guard and left.

I didn't want to think about the words of the mage who had taken Lea. I didn't want to think about the potions. All I wanted was justice for Elthina and to have Hawke and Lea where they belonged.

-0-

"Death is never justice, Sebastian." Elthina said frowning at me. I leaned against the podium and stared unseeing out at the chantry floor. My heart was enraged at the unjust death of my family, and the guilt of asking Hawke to kill the assassins. My mind cleared as I looked at her. This was just a dream or a memory. It wasn't real. Elthina was gone, and at that abominations hands.

"Sometimes it's the only justice." I snapped at the dream. She shook her head sadly and the images changed. No longer were we in the chantry. We were in the gardens.

"Sebastian, don't do this." She pleaded.

"You aren't real. Elthina is gone." I frowned at her.

"I am real. I am Elthina. I am you. I am all of these things and none of them. This is a dream, but still it is real. My words are real. My plea is real." She said watching me. "Don't do this."

"I have to. She ran from me. I have to reclaim them." I said and turned my back to her.

"Sebastian, holding onto the dream doesn't change what has been done. You have to see the truth before it's too late."

"I know the truth!" I yelled whirling back to glare at her. "I love her!"

"Do you love her? The real her or the image you have of her?" She asked and moved back. "Find the truth of it all, Sebastian. It's the only way you can move forward. Continue down this path and death is the only thing awaiting you."

"Death? Mine or the elf's?" I asked.

"Find the truth, Sebastian." She said and faded away as I sat upright in bed. I shoved off the covers and paced the room.

I knew the truth. It had to be the truth. The Maker had given them to me. Not a demon. I wouldn't be used by a demon. Elthina would never be used by a demon. It was just another lie by the mages to take my beloved and daughter away from me.

We set out a short time later. We would travel by horseback the week it took to reach the port. The ship would take another two weeks to reach Denerim. In less than a month she would be back with me. They would be back with me.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Fenris**

I made my way out of the palace and headed for the market. I nodded to the guards as they shifted to attention as I passed them. It was a huge change from a few years ago when I had been invisible. Now I was the one everyone noticed. Well, Lila still turned heads, but not as she had in Kirkwall. Here she was known as my wife, not the Champion. Only the king, Zevran and his wife who was the Arlessa of Denerim, Teryn Teagan, and Teryn Fergus outside of our companions knew that Lila was the Champion of Kirkwall. She said that was exactly how she wanted it too.

We had roamed around Ferelden the first six months of our arrival. Slowly the others all drifted away, and we had found a spot of our own. Varric headed back to the Free Marches. Merrill had stayed with Isabela and we often received letters from them. Anders had vanished a few months after we had landed in Ferelden. No one knew where he was. Bethany and Keran had moved from Lothering to a small cottage close to us a year ago after we had settled just outside of Denerim. Aveline and Donnic were working as guards in the palace.

Aveline true to form had risen quickly through the ranks until King Alistair had made her head of the palace guards. He trusted her guidance, so much so that he had jumped at her suggestion of starting an elven unit for the army. She had suggested I train and lead them. He was trying to see that the bridge that the Hero had started continued with the elves. He had even awarded them a place in the Landsmeet, naming the alienage a bannorn.

At first I hadn't wanted to do it. I liked our simple life, but after a few meetings with the king and Aveline I had given in. I had worried it would be hard for Lila to have me being in the guards, but she said she was proud of me. She had gladly laid down her blades and armor. We sparred every day, but she hadn't taken a job since we had discovered we were having a child.

Our son was seven months old now. He was a handsome boy with Lila's hair and my eyes. He was much quieter than Lea had been, but had a ready smile for any who looked his way. Lea adored him. She was determined she was going to take care of him and tried to drag him around everywhere she went. Lea was growing so quickly. She was a very active two year old. She was her mother's daughter and had a knack of finding mischief. She was smart and sweet and held my heart as firmly as little Malcolm did.

I stopped as I spotted the flash of red in the market place. Lila turned as if she could sense me and smiled. She crouched down to Lea who was intently looking at something on the ground. I didn't have to hear Lila's words to know what she had said. Lea's head snapped up and she began looking around quickly. Her smile could have lit up the whole world as she saw me. She dropped the little basket she had and ran, her red curls contained in two pigtails flew behind her as she raced towards me.

"Daddy!" She called as she ran. I crouched down and held my hands out for her. She didn't slow an ounce as she reached me, just crashed into me. I tossed her up in the air and caught her, cuddling her close as she hugged me tightly.

"Did you miss me, little one?" I asked carrying her back to where Lila was waiting for us. She had picked up the basket and shook her head at us.

"Note for future reference, don't let Lea carry eggs." She sighed looking at the mess in the basket.

"Sowy, Mommy. Want Daddy." Lea said and pouted at her.

Lila kissed her cheek. "It's alright, sweetie." Lila then smiled at me with a teasing light in her eyes. "You would think you've been gone for months. Oh, wait, you have been!"

"And did you not miss me as well?" I asked pulling her close. I had been working with the men on surviving out of the city and made some sweeps of the Wilds. It had been a long and hard two months away from my family.

She wrapped one of her arms around my waist and placed a kiss on my cheek. "More than words can say, but I'll have to show you how much after someone has gone to b-e-d." She spelled out bed and glanced at Lea.

Lea placed a noisy kiss on my cheek and wiggled free from my arms. "Home now. Mal miss too." She took my hand and tugged me along.

"I think we better go before bossy here gets mad. She's missed a nap." Lila warned.

"Why did she…oh. Me."

"I couldn't leave her behind. She's been so excited counting down to when you were coming back home."

"I won't have to do that again. At least not for a while. We have some promising candidates for officers." I explained lacing my fingers through Lila's. "Did you need anything else from the market?" She shook her head.

"We were just killing time really." She motioned with her head as a man approached us. I recognized him as the head of the city guards.

"Captain Fenris." Captain Kylon said inclining his head to me. "A moment of your time." He then turned to Lila. "Forgive me for stealing him a moment."

"Lea, look it's Uncle Keran. Let's go see how Aunt Beth is while Daddy talks to Captain Kylon." Lila said. Lea frowned up at me.

"You no home?" She asked pouting.

"I'm going home, little one. I need to take care of something. Go and see your uncle."

She sighed, crossed her arms, and rolled her eyes dramatically reminding me so much of her mother I had to work at not laughing. "Fine." She huffed and then ran towards Keran who had crouched down waiting for her to run to him.

Lila took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "So regretting her not getting a nap." She squeezed my arm and then moved off to join Lea.

"Is there something you needed?" I asked turning to Kylon. I had only met him a few times before. He was a good man from all accounts. He glanced back at Lila and moved closer.

"I thought I should let you know that some men were hear shortly after you left for the Wilds."

"Men?" I asked only half listening. I was watching my girls instead, drinking them in after so long without them.

"They were asking questions about a marked elf and a red headed woman." He said drawing my attention back to him.

"What sort of questions?"

"Well, it seemed like they were trying to find you. We kept an eye on them knowing you were gone. They never went anywhere near Lila, but they did take notice of her." He glanced around. "They left after that. We have had a patrol move around your house and I alerted Keran to them, but they haven't shown back up. It didn't sit right with me, so I wanted you to be aware of it."

"No one could find out who they were?" I asked as fear washed over me. Was this Sebastian or the Chantry hunters?

"They had the look of mercenaries. They were definitely not the hunters who came to the king looking for the Champion and Hero."

"You know?" I asked looking at him shocked.

"Yes, but don't worry. Her secret is safe with me. The king and Captain Aveline thought it best if I was aware of the situation." He dropped his voice even lower. "We are keeping an eye on the ships coming in. Any from the Free Marches are being watched closely."

"Thank you, Captain. I appreciate your vigilance."

"We Fereldens have to stick together. Especially us protecting the lands." He nodded to me. "If I hear of anything else, I'll let you know. Do you want me to continue the patrol around your home? Or will you have your men take over now?"

"I'll have my men do it, but if someone is watching it would probably be wise to have your patrols continue. We don't want to let them know we suspect anything. I'll see if I can convince Zevran to have his men sweeping the coast as well."

"He already had been. I made Captain Aveline aware of the men as well. She brought the matter to Zevran."

"Does Lila know about it?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I didn't want to worry her with you being gone and all. She's had enough trouble and worry put on her."

"Thank you for that. If you hear anything else…"

"You'll be the first to know." He assured me.

I made my way over to my girls and forced a smile for them. Lea wiggled free from Keran and wrapped around my leg. Lila took my hand and nodded to Keran. "I'll come and stay with her tomorrow. I understand about how cranky pregnant women can get."

"Just wait. It only gets worse." I warned him as Lila elbowed me.

"I was not as bad with Malcolm." She protested.

"No, I never had a book thrown at me once this time." I smiled at her.

"She threw a book at you?" Keran laughed. He shook his head. "Nice to know that Bethany really is the nicer sister." He teased her.

"Yes, but just remember that I'm also the one who will hurt you if you hurt her." Lila said narrowing her eyes at him.

He laughed and squeezed her arm. "How could I forget? I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Home now?" Lea asked looking up at me.

"Almost little one. I need to speak with one last person. Do you two want to start home without me?" I asked turning to Lila.

She scooped up Lea who made protesting noises. "We can check out the market a bit more if you need to attend to business." She said holding the thrashing Lea. "That is enough, Lea! Daddy has to take care of things. If you keep acting like this, you will stay home tomorrow and not get to go play with the new kittens at Aunt Beth's." Lea instantly went still and though she continued to sulk, she didn't make a word of protest. Lila looked at me then. "Is everything alright?"

"Nothing to worry about. I've just got to check in with Zevran. He's going to work with some of my men on archery. And we found some promising recruits among the Dalish. They were more skilled in duel fighting so I wanted to see if he would train them."

She narrowed her eyes at me, but nodded. "That sounded a bit suspicious Captain Freeman, but I'm going to take you at face value for now." She kissed me quickly. "Don't forget that underneath this docile wife exterior still beats the heart of a fighter."

"Docile?" I laughed and kissed her again. "I would hardly call you docile. And I am fully aware of how brilliant my wife is. I'll be back shortly." I placed a kiss on Lea's cheek. "Be good." She nodded but continued to pout. I looked back at them one last time before hurrying to find Zevran and his men. I wanted to make sure all angles were covered just in case.

Zevran assured me his men were watching the coast and the woods. He also thought that cross training some of the men on my unit was wise. We agreed to meet in the morning to work out the details. He walked with me to the market as his wife and son had headed that way as well.

Zevran had returned with us to Ferelden to a small surprise in the form of a son. He had left before Kallian had discovered she was pregnant. She had worked hard to keep the little boy quiet for fear he would be used by the Crows or one of her enemies. It was only after Zevran returned that she let anyone outside of their immediate circle know he was her son. I was surprised no one had guessed before. He looked so much like his father it was unreal, but he had the emerald eyes of his mother.

We found our families visiting together. Kallian and Lila had become fast friends from almost the moment they had met. They had a lot in common and enjoyed ganging up on us.

Lea was a bit obsessed with their small boy, Rian. This worried me, but Lila and Kallian seemed to think it was cute. Lea was holding hands with him as they stayed by their mother's. She flitted cutely as he smiled at her. It didn't make me feel any better despite how cute it was.

We visited a few moments longer before we parted ways. Lila seemed nervous as we made our way out of the city. She clutched tightly to Lea, not letting her run ahead of us as she normally did.

"Is everything alright?" I asked her as I picked up Lea. She was increasingly cross and rubbed her eyes sleepily.

She shrugged and glanced around. "I can't shake the feeling that we are being watched."

"Well…" I didn't want to worry her with the news of the men, but I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable either.

She sighed. "I know about the guards watching us. And I know all about the men asking questions."

"How?" I asked looking at her shocked.

She scoffed. "The day I can't spot being tailed by guardsmen is the day I need to be watched." She shook her head. "Not only could I spot them a mile away, Aveline and Kallian told me. Neither thought I should be left in the dark. I had hoped my husband would feel the same." She frowned at me.

"Lila, I wasn't trying to keep you in the dark exactly. We don't know for sure who they were or if it was even us they were looking for." I said glancing at Lea who was snuggled against my chest fast asleep.

"I know." She sighed and wrapped her arm around mine so she could lean her head against my shoulder as we walked. "I still can't shake the feeling."

"Well, you are being watched." I pointed out.

"No, this is different." She sighed. "I don't know how to explain it."

"Maybe it's just fear. Things have been going well for us and that's not what you're used to. Normally when things settle down for you, something big happens to shake you up again. We've had it easy for well over a year now." I said hoping to ease her concern. I was worried, but I wasn't going to let her see it.

She sighed. "Maybe you're right. I keep thinking something's going to come and break this spell any minute. I'll wake up and it's all been taken from me again." She squeezed my arm and smiled at me. "Maybe it's also been that you've been gone. I've missed you, husband."

I smiled back at her. "And I expect a proper showing of how much tonight."

****-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-****

**Sebastian**

I watched them as they moved through the lightly forested area heading for their home. It wasn't the little cottage I had expected, but rather a fairly large manor complete with lush gardens. It seemed they were doing quite well for themselves here.

Brendan was forced to hold me back after we had seen Lila and Lea. It was all I could do not to run to them. My daughter was growing up. She was a precious little thing with curly copper pigtails and a bright smile.

And Hawke, no Lila now. Hawke didn't suit the vision that she was. I had never seen her look so beautiful as she did in the light blue and purple dress. Her hair was down falling around her in a curtain of auburn waves. She looked ever bit the proper lady her mother had always tried to make her be.

"Your family is a beautiful one." Brendan said as we had followed behind them. Only through his skill had we managed to avoid detection. Zevran's men were good. As was Lila herself. I could see her nerves as she scanned the shadows.

"Yes, and in the hands of that man." I scowled as Lea curled tight to Fenris and drifted to sleep. She should have been in my arms. I shoved down the rage. Rage would only bring a confrontation. If we timed this properly we could take my family, and the boy, without Fenris knowing until we were far from here. Now wasn't the time to let emotions blind me.

"We'll get them back, sire." Brendan reassured me. He motioned me to move with him as we skirted around them. We watched them through a window as Fenris was reunited with his baby, rocking him as the boy smiled up at him.

I had to work hard on the rage again. How many times had he done that with my daughter? How many times had I been denied even that small pleasure? I clenched my hand into a fist and thought of Lila. If I killed Fenris, it would be harder to win her love back. I was going to have to let it go. We would have other children. Let him enjoy this last night with them.

I motioned to Brendan that I had seen enough. He lead us back to the small house we had taken over. The family who owned it had come into a large fortune recently and most happily handed the house over to us. It was a perfect place to hide out. Too far away from anyone else for them to ask questions about us or the man in chains.

"Please, Sebastian." Anders begged. I had had him shaved and cleaned up. I wanted Lila to recognize him after all. "It's not too late to stop this now. You don't have to hurt her anymore."

"I'm not going to hurt her. I'm taking her home. Can't you see that she deserves so much more than he could ever give her?" I argued unsure why I was even talking to him.

"She deserves to be happy." He pressed. I gave him a cold smile.

"And she will be. Happy as my princess."

"Sebastian, you have to see the truth of the situation. She's not going to go with you willingly. She's going to fight you. She'll never forgive you for this."

"Shut up, abomination!" Brendan yelled and slammed his fist into Anders temple. Anders glared at me defiantly as he slumped over.

I glanced from him to Brendan. "Do not lay a hand on him unless I order it."

"Forgive me, sire. I was only trying to help you."

"I know. Don't do it again. She cares for him. He's the key to forcing her without having to hurt or scare her. Leave him be." I turned and went to the bedroom. I was too excited to eat or sit still, but the sooner I slept the sooner they would be back in my arms.

I laid down and tried to rest. The trip had been long and trying. We had to travel well up coast from Denerim to avoid the sweeps of Zevran's men. I should have killed him all those years ago.

I had dreamed each night since we had left. None of them pleasant. Dreams of violence and death. Of Elthina begging me to see the truth. Random images rushing together. Some I didn't remember at all, just awoke with a feeling of dread. Tonight would hopefully be different. I had peace about the situation now. A plan to take them that wouldn't involve hurting them. It was going to go right for once. I would show them all that the Maker had given them to me.

-0-

Lila watched me horrified as I showed her Anders. I shoved him down to his knees in front of me. "Now then, I do believe you will listen to me."

"Anders! How did…what have you done to him?" She yelled at me.

"Don't worry about me, you have to run!" Anders said to her. I motioned to the man beside me. He swung the whip, striking Anders across his already scarred and bloody back. Anders yelled out as it hit him.

"Please, Sebastian, don't hurt him!" She sobbed reaching a hand out.

"Then surrender to me. Get Lea and the baby and come with me. I'll release him once you do." I promised.

"No." She shook her head and backed up from me. I sliced into Anders shoulder with my dagger. He jerked in pain, but refused to cry out again.

"Run." Anders croaked to her. "Don't worry about me." He pleaded. She covered her mouth and sobbed as blood ran freely from his wounds.

"You can make this stop, love. Say you belong to me."

"I can't." She shook her head. She whirled as Brendan and another man came up behind her. They grabbed her arms and held her in place as I laid the knife to Anders' throat. "Please, don't do this! You said you cared about me! If you do, you won't do this!"

"I am sick of having to prove to you I care!" I yelled and stormed towards her. I gripped her face in my hands forcing her to look at me. "I have shown you time and again how I feel. I will be stalled no longer. Surrender willingly and we'll take the baby as well. Continue to fight me and Anders won't be the only one I hurt."

Her eyes widened. I was shocked at the emotion in them. Fear. She was scared of me. She believed I would hurt the baby. How could she believe that?

She glared at me as she jerked away from me. "I'll never forgive you for this." She hissed at me.

"Time heals all wounds, love." I said and stepped back from her. I would show her it had been an empty threat. I would love the child as if he was my own. She would see that this was all for the best.

"Fenris will come for us." She warned as my men bound her arms.

"Let him come." I said calmly.

One of the men held Anders still. "What about the mage?" He asked.

"Kill him."

"No!" She screamed and struggled against the men. "You said you would release him!"

"And I am. Maker have mercy on your soul, abomination." I said as the guard sliced his throat. Hawke hung limp in the men's arms and sobbed brokenly as Anders fell down dead.

"I hate you, Sebastian. I used to feel sorry for you, but you've killed it. I will never give you what you want. I will fight you till the day I die. I will never submit to you. Never." She screamed.

"You will when he has your son's life in his hands." Brendan laughed and jerked her around. "Now then, let's go and fetch the children quickly."

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. They had thought they had secured her hands enough, but they hadn't. She grabbed Brendan's daggers and sliced through his arm as she whirled. She stabbed one dagger deep into the other guard's throat and stumbled back. More of my men came out of the shadows. She had no escape. As good as she was, she could never best them all.

"You will never have my children! You will never have me!" She yelled and lifted the dagger up.

I watched horrified and took a step towards her. "No! Don't!" I screamed but it was too late. She drove the dagger into her heart. She fell to the ground and gasped in pain. I rushed to her and gathered her into my arms.

"Get a healer!" I yelled at the men, but I knew it was too late. She coughed weakly and glared at me as I held her. "What have you done?"

"You have done this, Sebastian. My blood is on your head." She said as her eyes rolled up. Her head fell back limply as she breathed her last breath.

I jerked awake with a gasp. It was just a dream. It wasn't real. She was still alive. I sat up and rubbed my face tiredly.

I would never act like that. I would never harm her children. I would never even threaten them. I would never hurt or frighten her. That wasn't me. I loved her. I wanted to take care of her, make her happy. I didn't want to hurt her.

Thoughts of my confrontation with her in her home after discovering she was with Fenris pushed to the front. I had attacked her. I had been a mad man then. Slamming her around, hitting her. I laid my head in my hands. Maker, what had happened to me?

I wasn't a violent man. Even in my wild days I hadn't been violent. A drunk, a gambler, a womanizer, but not violent or cruel.

I had fought with Fenris. He was at one time my friend. He was a violent man. Him attacking me wasn't unexpected, but I had attacked him once as well. That was unexpected.

I had cheated and lied and manipulated people into helping with all of this. I had threatened and bribed to get my way. I had fought and hurt people around me without a thought. This wasn't the way of the Maker.

I couldn't catch my breath as the full magnitude of all the things I had done came to light. Drugging Hawke, sleeping with her while she was under the influence of the drugs, forcing her to see things my way, cutting her off from her friends, trying to use her sister against her, upping the use of potions when I felt her slipping away from me. Threatening Elthina and Erin. Fighting with Fenris. Hiring mercenaries to kidnap Hawke and Lea. Torturing a man for months, trying to destroy him. None of that was who I had been. None of it was the will of the Maker.

But if it wasn't the will of the Maker that left me being a tool of a demon. Worse than that, I had done those things and not had the demon pushing my mind. I had taken Elthina's words and run with them. Even when she had started to question what we were doing, I pushed it on. Maker, I was a monster! She had every reason to fear me. She had every reason to hate me. What was I going to do?

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Hawke**

I set about my morning taking care of Malcolm and Lea. Orana had been kind enough to make the sticky buns for me to take to Bethany. Bethany was entering the last month of her pregnancy and was forced into bed rest. She was feeling rather cranky and put out. Keran hoped that I could entertain her enough to ease some of it.

I saw Fenris off as if nothing was wrong. I watched him as he left praying that I was wrong, but I couldn't shake the feeling of doom. I finished feeding Malcolm and handed him off to Orana. I placed a kiss on his cheek and went to pack the basket to take to Bethany.

Lea chatted animatedly discussing what she was going to name the kittens. Or at least I think that's what she was talking about. I was only half listening as I scanned the yard and tree line that I could see out the window. I was sure I had seen something…and then there it was again. A flash of pristine white.

Cold spread through me as if ice ran through my veins. I glanced down at my beautiful little girl and then back to the woods. I swallowed hard and then crouched down to Lea. "Little one, I'm sorry."

"Huh, Mommy?" She asked quirking her head to the side as she looked up at me. Her big blue eyes full of happiness.

"You can't go with me today."

Her face fell instantly and tears filled her eyes. "I be good!" She cried.

I hugged her tightly, hating hurting her, fearing I would never see her again. "I know, sweetheart, but I need you to stay here."

"No! I go see kittens!" She yelled and stomped her foot.

"Not today."

"I wanna!" She wailed.

"I said no. Lea, that is enough. Go straight to your room this instant." I ordered hating the pain and confusion in her eyes. She let out a shriek and then flew out of the room. Orana entered looking at me wide eyed.

"Mistress?" She asked as I stood and wiped away the tears from my eyes. I didn't want to frighten Orana.

"I need Lea to stay here today. She's in trouble so keep her inside." I ordered and steeled myself for what was going to happen.

"Of course." She said and looked puzzled. I knew she would obey me without questions. I just needed to keep acting like nothing was wrong for now. Fenris and Zevran's men would be surrounding the house shortly. If I could force Sebastian to follow me, I could keep my children safe. "Will you be back for dinner?" She asked as I started for the door. I glanced back at her over my shoulder.

"I don't know." I answered truthfully.

I forced myself to walk at a normal pace and not look around, but it was hard. My skin crawled as I felt them moving around me. I chanced a glance over my shoulder and saw the flash of white again. At least he was following me. I couldn't take them towards Bethany's. I couldn't chance him using her against me. So instead I headed to the caves that were not too far from our home. I might could lose them in the caverns and buy myself enough time for Fenris' men to be close enough for me to get help. If not, at least they would have the children safe.

I managed to get all the way to the caves before he stepped out to block my way. "Hello, Lila." He said as if this was a normal morning.

"What are you doing here, Sebastian?" I demanded and looked around. I could see other men in the trees.

"I…" He started and then cleared his throat. "I came here to bring you and Lea home."

"We are home." I said cutting him off. I had to stall him. I had to buy more time. I had to make sure he couldn't come near the children.

"I've seen it. It's lovely, but it's not the Starkhaven palace." He said watching me. I shifted and my ring flashed. I saw his eye drawn to it. His mouth tightened and he flushed. He raised his eyes to me. "You married him?"

I swallowed hard and nodded. "Yes. Shortly after we left Kirkwall. We have a son." I hoped to reason with him, find that compassionate man who had been my friend.

He looked away from me pained. "I know about the boy."

"I'm not going back with you, Sebastian. And I won't let you take Lea." I said as silence stretched between us.

"I never wanted to take her from you." He looked at me and his eyes were full of pain. "I do love you, despite how all of this seems. I only want to make you happy. I've only wanted to take care of you." He hung his head. "I wanted to raise our daughter together. I wanted to have many more children with you. I wanted to give you all that you deserve."

"Then let me go." I said quietly. He cringed.

"Lila, please hear me out." He begged. I took a breath and nodded. Every moment I stalled gave the men more time to move into place. "I fell in love with you almost the moment I saw you. You were unlike anyone I'd ever met. I cursed the day I met you though. If it had happened just a bit sooner I would have been free to pursue you. So I tried to become the man you could come to. I tried to show you that the Chantry isn't as bad as you feared. I tried to be there for you in the fringes, but it was never enough. I wanted more. I burned for you. I prayed daily for the Maker to take my sinful desires away, but they just grew. And then one day it was as if all my prayers had been answered." He moved closer to me, but froze as I stepped back. He dropped his outstretched hand. "Elthina came to me and told me her dream. At first I didn't believe it. It felt too good to be true, but deep down I didn't care if it was or not. I took it as the sign I had been waiting for. All I could think about was you. That I could finally be the man you needed me to be. That I could finally take care of you, devote myself fully to you. The Maker gave you to me."

"Sebastian…" I started but he held up his hand.

"The day we found out you were pregnant was the happiest and saddest day of my life. I wanted to tell you that she was mine, that she had been created in love, but Elthina thought it better to wait until we were married and our thrones secure. She said you would forgive me for it because you loved me. I went along with it because I was afraid. I didn't want to lose you. But everything started falling apart. The harder I tried to make things work like Andraste had said it would, the more it got destroyed." He looked down and took another step towards me. He then looked back up into my eyes. "I never wanted to hurt you. I never meant for things to get so out of hand. I never wanted to frighten you. I just wanted that life I had dreamed of for us."

"I'm sorry, Sebastian. I wanted that dream too until reality set in. We were too different to make the other happy." I said watching the broken man in front of me.

"I would do anything to make you happy. Anything, Lila. We could still have that life."

I took a step back and shook my head. "No, Sebastian. We can't. I'm married to Fenris. I love him."

"But I'm Lea's father. I can give you both so much more than he ever could. If you would just try you would see that I can be the man you need."

"You can't be Fenris. He's the man I need."

He looked away angrily and motioned over his shoulder. I gasped and stumbled back as a man drug a chained thin man into the sunlight. He shoved him causing the man to fall forward. His robes hung off him as he was so painfully thin. His hair was messy and long, but there was no denying the pain filled eyes that looked up at me.

"Anders!" I took a step towards him.

"Run, Hawke!" Anders yelled and struggled against the chains, Justice surged forward adding his strength, but it was no use.

"What have you done to him?" I demanded whirling to glare at Sebastian.

"Exacting my vengeance." He said looking at Anders.

"I won't let you use me to hurt her. He's going to kill me no matter what you do. You know it's true, so run." Anders pleaded as two men clasped onto his arms and kept him back from Sebastian.

"Let him go, Sebastian." I demanded.

He took a step towards me, his eyes hard and angry like they had been the night he attacked me. "You are in no position to make demands of me." He snarled as he got closer to me.

"Hurt me, but leave him out of it." I said raising my chin up to him. I wasn't going to beg. I thought he was going to see reason, but he wasn't going to. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of groveling. This wasn't Sebastian. This was the same monster who thought it was alright to drug and use me.

His eyes widened in shock and he took a step back. "Lila, I…" He shook his head. "I never want to hurt you. Not anymore." He glanced at the men holding Anders. "Release him."

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Fenris**

I hadn't made it all the way to town before I was turning back around. I wasn't sure if it was Lila had me spooked or if something really was going on, but I couldn't shake the feeling. I caught one of the guards attention and requested he take a message to my second explaining that I would be home today.

I had already set up a unit of my men to patrol the outer areas today, including my home so I felt fairly secure that Lila and the children were safe, but I had earned the day off. Even the king had said I should take a day or two off. I made my way to the house hoping to catch Lila before she left for Bethany's.

"Lila?" I called as I entered the house. A few seconds later a distraught looking Orana entered and glanced at me worriedly.

"Mistress set out a bit ago, Master." She said and glanced back out of the room as a wail could be heard.

I started for the door. "Is that Lea?" I asked confused as to why she was home and wailing as if her heart was broken.

"Yes, Master. Mistress says she's in trouble and to keep her inside today." I glanced at her even more confused. Lila was rarely strict with Lea. And she had never forbidden her from going outside. I entered Lea's room and found her curled in a corner crying.

"Little one?" I called and crouched down to her. She threw herself in my arms and snubbed.

"Daddy! Mommy mean." She cried.

"What happened?" I asked rocking her gently. I didn't want to go against something Lila had decided, but I couldn't bear the sobs either.

"She say I no go see kittens. I be good. I no fit." She sobbed.

"Did you act ugly this morning?" I asked. She looked up at me as if I had betrayed her.

"No! I be good!" She said and crossed her arms, the tears forgone in her anger.

"Then why did Mommy say you couldn't go?" I pressed. I wasn't sure how much of an answer I would get now. Lea had Lila's temper for sure.

"She say no." She said as if that explained it all.

"I'll talk to Mommy. Maybe we can see the kittens tomorrow." I said hoping to stop the sulk enough so I could leave and find Lila.

"Take Wian?" She asked looking up at me hopefully. I sighed heavily. I had thought we would have a good fifteen years before we had to worry about boys.

"We'll see." I answered her. It was enough it seemed. She smiled at me and kissed my cheek. "Will you be good for Orana while I go find Mommy?"

She pouted again. "I be good all day."

"That's what I like to hear, little one." I placed a kiss on her head as I sat her on her bed. I glanced back to find her playing with her dolls now. Her tantrum over it seemed.

"Thank you, Master." Orana said as I left the room. I nodded to her.

"Keep her inside until I find out why Lila said it."

"Of course, Master." Orana answered and moved out of the way as I started past her.

"Captain Fenris?" Called one of my men as I entered the yard. He was one of the newer recruits from the Dalish clans.

"What is it, Theron?" I asked trying not to be irritated. The men were supposed to be hidden, and I was in a hurry to see what was wrong with Lila.

"Forgive me, Captain, but I felt it urgent." He said and waited for me to nod before he continued. "I've discovered tracks in the woods around the house."

"The city guards have been watching." I answered.

"I have seen those. Those foolish shem…sorry." He said as I glanced at him sharply. "They are not careful with their footing. They leave obvious tracks. These are hidden. If I hadn't been looking closely I would have missed them. Whoever left them are skilled."

"Zevran's men?" I suggested hoping it was so.

"I cannot say, Captain. I thought I should warn you. I followed them for a ways. They grew a bit sloppier as they seemed to be following after a woman's tracks." He answered.

"Towards town?" I asked fearfully.

"No, towards the caverns."

"Show me." I ordered just as Zevran rushed into the yard.

"Please tell me Lila and Lea are inside the house right now." Zevran said breathing hard.

"Lea is. Why?" I asked as fear poured over me.

"My men swept farther out today. There had been a story of a ship seen too far from dock to be up to any good. They found a small farm taken over. There were guards there bearing the crest of Starkhaven."

"Venhedis! Fasta vaas! Vishante kaffas!" I shouted. No matter what we did that man was going to haunt us to our dying day. Well, no. Until his dying day.

"We should hurry. The tracks were still fresh." Theron said motioning me to follow him.

Understanding dawned on me as we followed the tracks that were definitely Lila's and too many men to make me comfortable. She had seen them and thought to drag them away from our home. She was protecting the children by giving him something else to chase. The infuriating woman was going to be the death of me.

I stopped even trying to follow the trail as I heard Anders' yelling at her to run. I broke into a run, summoning my powers to aid my way. Zevran caught my arm as I would have crashed through the guards hiding in the trees. He shushed me and motioned me closer.

"We need to get in position. So far they are not attacking. Let the men get in place before you react. She is safe from harm. He wants her, no?"

"That is my wife out there! You don't know the things he's done to her!" I hissed at him.

"Getting yourself killed will not help her. We have the element of surprise right now. Do not give it away." He hissed back. I growled but knew he was right. But if that bastard made one wrong move, I would have his heart.

"Hurt me, but leave him out of it." Lila said glaring at him defiantly. I was going to kill her myself. What the Void was she thinking to taunt him so? Hadn't he already proved he was unstable? I tensed up prepared to save her when Sebastian stunned me. He quickly took a step back from her seeming shocked.

"Lila, I…" He shook his head. "I never want to hurt you. Not anymore." He glanced at the men holding Anders. "Release him."

"Sire…" Started the guard who held Anders.

"Release him!" Sebastian ordered and looked back at Lila. "I don't want to be that man anymore." I glanced at Zevran and he shrugged.

"The men are in place if you want to go to her now." Zevran whispered after a quick glance around.

"Wait for my signal." I nodded and used my abilities to move to her side. As always she seemed to know I was there and reached out for my hand as I moved to her. I clasped it and released my powers.

Several guards moved closer as I appeared. One appearing by Sebastian's side, his hand on his blade. Sebastian held his hand up, freezing them all.

"Hold." Sebastian ordered as he eyed me. "Release the mage."

The men holding Anders undid his chains and he nearly collapsed when they backed away from him. Lila started to go to him, but I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her tightly to me. "What are you doing here, Sebastian?" I growled at him. I didn't buy this act a moment. He was playing her again.

"Fooling myself." He said sounding defeated. He looked at Lila longingly. "Are you happy?"

She tightened her hand on my arm as I tensed up. "I am." She answered him.

"And Lea?"

"She's perfect, Sebastian. Smart and beautiful and sweet. And she has her mother's temper." Lila said giving him a small smile. He closed his eyes and nodded slowly.

"Will you take care of them?" He asked looking at me.

"They are my family. I would give my life for them." I said watching him.

He looked back at Lila. "All I ever wanted was for you to be safe and happy. Forgive me for all I've done. Forgive me for refusing to see the truth. I just didn't want to face the reality of what I had done or that I had lost you and Lea."

She pulled away from me and clasped his hand. "I do, Sebastian. You need to forgive yourself as well. Don't hold onto the hurt and anger."

"You always were the best of us." He said and lightly cupped her face in his hand. She took a step back from him, forcing his hand to drop from her face.

"I'm far from the angel you think I am."

"I've no right to ask it, but…" He paused and glanced at me. "May I write Lea? I know that what I've done is…horrific, but…she's my daughter."

"She is not your daughter!" I snarled and moved closer to them. Lila gripped my arm and gave me a look.

"So long as you realize that Fenris is my husband and her father, I think she should know you. It would take some time to explain all this mess to her, but I believe letters would be alright. Just know that if I see anything in it I don't like, I will not allow her to see it." Lila said after a moment.

"Thank you, Lila. It is more than I deserve. I swear to you both that I will not be that man anymore. I took a hard look at my actions these last few years and didn't like the man I saw." He took a breath and looked at me. "So long as you take care of them and treat them well, I will stay away." He then looked at Lila. "If you ever need anything…"

"Thank you, Sebastian. For what it's worth, I am sorry for all of this. I'm sorry you were used to hurt me. I'm sorry you've been hurt."

"Don't apologize, Lila." He said and then held his hand out to me. "I'm sorry for our friendship being lost." I eyed his hand a moment, but then took it. We had been close at one point. He had been the only person other than Lila that I had considered a friend. Until Zevran that is.

"I am not as forgiving as she is. I don't trust you, Sebastian. But I will try and forgive you if you will stay away from my family."

He stepped back and gave me a sharp nod. "I can understand that. I would feel the same if the situation was reversed." He glanced around at his men. "We leave here." He ordered.

"Are you certain, sire?" The man at his side asked. Sebastian nodded.

"We are done here." He answered.

"A wise choice given your men are surrounded and outnumbered." Zevran said moving to my side. He kept an eye on Sebastian but spoke to me. "My men and I will escort the prince to his ship to make sure there are no…unnecessary side trips. Furthermore, Prince Sebastian, it would be advisable for you to conduct your future business in Ferelden at one of the actual ports. Next time a ship is spotted off the coast as yours is, the navy has been ordered to sink it."

He narrowed his eyes at Zevran, but gave him a nod. I clutched Lila to me as the men left. "Are you alright?" I demanded turning her to me. She shook against me as she nodded.

"I was so scared, Fenris. All I could think was I couldn't let him near the children." She said.

"They are safe. My men are watching the house. Though Lea is quite upset about not seeing the kittens. I think we're going to have to take Rian with us to make it up to her."

"My poor baby." She said and then moved to hug Anders. "I've been so worried about you, you jerk!"

"I thought it would be better if I just disappeared. I didn't think he'd be able to find me. I'm so sorry he tried to use me to get to you." Anders said giving her a small smile. The mage looked horrible.

"All that matters is that you are alright now. I'm so sorry, Anders." Lila said and hugged him again. "Come on, let's get you settled. Oh, damn it! I forgot about Bethany." Lila sighed.

"I'll send one of my men over with the food. Tell her we'll be over tomorrow. I think she'll understand under the circumstances." I said taking her hand as she wrapped an arm around Anders waist, helping him as we walked back home.

"What's wrong with Bethany?" Anders asked clearing his throat.

"She's pregnant. Due in another month or so." Lila said and the two began filling each other in on what had been going on in their lives. I was unsurprised by her insistence that he stay with us until he was settled here.

"Settled here?" Anders asked looking up at her from the plate of food Orana had given him.

"Yes, settled here. Bethany's going to need help at her clinic now that she's having a baby. Who better than you? And it's not like you have anywhere else to go. Mages are treated fairly here. And all of us are here. You are not running off on me again, Anders."

"I…hadn't thought I would survive past today so I suppose it sounds like a plan." He laughed and shook his head. "I can't believe that we actually did it."

"Did what?" I asked him puzzled.

"We made a place for mages to enjoy the things everyone else does." He said smiling at Lila. "Bethany lives free and is having a baby that she'll get to raise. Each of us having our own place where we belong. It's better than I could have even dreamed of."

"It has turned out pretty well, hasn't it?" She answered with a smile.

She looked over at me as she cuddled Malcolm close to her. Lea was curled in my lap content now that she had been told we would take Rian with us to see the kittens tomorrow. Orana flitted around the kitchen humming happily. She had lost some of her fear over the last two years. And if I wasn't mistaken, had taken notice of Theron who Lila had insisted come in for something to eat. He was watching her as well.

"It has at that." I answered her before giving her a kiss.

"Me too!" Lea giggled. I bent down and placed a kiss on her upturned face. I hugged her close as I bent over to place a kiss on Malcolm's cheek. He giggled happily. I sighed in contentment. My daughter, my wife, and my son.

I thought over how much my life had changed. I would never have thought it possible, but here I was a husband and father. A captain in the guards with my own unit. Trusted by the king. I had love and family and friends. Yes, this was better than anything I could have ever dreamed of.

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**Fifteen years later**

**Fenris**

"Are you sure about this?" I asked glancing down at Lila as we watched Lea greet Sebastian.

She sighed and squeezed my hand. "No. But it's her life. I swore when I had children of my own that I would support their choices."

"It probably helps it's just for a summer too." I said smiling at her before turning back to look at Sebastian.

"Well…there is that." She answered giving me a sheepish look.

Sebastian had been true to his word and not returned all this time. He had kept in contact with letters. Eventually he and Lea had formed a relationship of sorts. When he had learned of her interest in archery he had offered, asking our permission first, for her to come and spend some time with him in Starkhaven. Lea had thought long and hard about it, but when Rian had voiced his interest in going there, she had agreed to go for one summer. I hated it.

I didn't want her to go. I especially hated she was going with the far too smooth for my taste Rian. Zevran moved to our side and slapped my back. "At least she's not going alone. My son will be there to look out for her."

"That is part of my problem with this." I said frowning at him.

"I am offended to be sure." He laughed good-naturedly and moved off to help Rian finish with their bags.

"Lila, we could still tell her no." I said as Lea laced her fingers through Rian's hand for a moment as she introduced him to Sebastian.

"She's not our little one anymore, Fenris. And Rian is a good boy." She said with a smile. "He has some of his mother in him after all." She teased.

"She's too young." I protested.

"She's only a few years younger than I was when we first met."

"That doesn't make me feel better." I shook my head. "I know how he's thinking."

"Oh?" She asked turning to me with a mischievous look.

"I was him once." I said wishing she would take this more serious.

She pouted then. "Once, as in you don't think of me the same way anymore? I've gotten too old for you?"

"What? Lila, you are still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." I said hurriedly and then narrowed my eyes at her as she smiled unrepentant.

"I told you once sometimes a girl needs to hear that." She hugged Malcolm to her and placed a kiss on his cheek as he moved to us.

He frowned at her and wiped the kiss off. "Ug, Mom!" He protested and glanced around to see if Nerina was around to see it. He had developed quite the crush on Isabela and Anders daughter. I missed the simplicity of them being babies.

"I could make it worse, my little broody boy." She said smiling at him as she ruffled his auburn hair. He narrowed his eyes at her in a scowl so familiar to the one I had often seen in my own reflection.

"I still don't see why I can't spend the summer somewhere else. Uncle Varric invited me to spend the summer with him in Kirkwall." He said grumpily.

"When you are seventeen we'll discuss it." I said cutting his argument off. He frowned at me for a second before Lea moved to us. She tugged his hair.

"Still pouting?" She teased him.

"No." He grumbled. She smiled and kissed his cheek. "I'll bring you back something fantastic."

"So?" He shrugged.

"Mal, are you really mad at me? Say you don't want me to go and I won't." Lea said holding his hand. The two of them were close. As close as Lila and Bethany were. All our children were.

He sighed and gave her a quick hug. "I want you to go." He grinned at her. "No one will be here to tell on me anymore."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Don't think you're going to get away with anything, Mal. Duncan's already promised to keep an eye on you. He'll keep you out of trouble."

"Ha! Duncan's too busy watching Andy to see anything Carver and I get into." Malcolm laughed and pointed towards where his friend followed after Andris, our fourteen year old daughter. I sighed. Were all of my children going to start down this path?

Lila shook her head as Andris socked the prince in his arm and rolled her eyes at him. He rubbed his shoulder and grinned a goofy grin much like his father, Alistair, had when he looked at his wife, Elissa. She glanced up at me with a half grin. "I almost feel sorry for the prince. Our precious Andy is a bit clueless about his affections."

"Good." I said frowning as she grinned at me and hugged Lea to her.

"I wouldn't say she was completely immune to him." Lea motioned with her head towards them as they moved to us. Andris was watching him out of the corner of her eyes with a curiousness I didn't like at all.

Bethany and Keran rounded a corner with their son Carver who was Malcolm's age, and their young twins Declan and Emma. With the twins was our youngest, Caia. I crouched down and held my hands out to her. She had been our little surprise coming nine years after Andris.

"You'll never leave Daddy, will you, angel?" I asked her as I held her. She wrapped her arms around my neck and smiled at me.

She giggled and shook her head. "Never, Daddy." She said and then spotted Orana and Theron with their young son. "Jordan!" She yelled and wiggled free from me, running to her friend.

I glanced at Lila who was smiling at me. "I blame you for this."

"Me? What have I done?" She asked with a laugh.

"They are your daughters. The boys are drawn to them because they look like you." I frowned at her.

She arched a brow. "I'm going to take that as a compliment since our girls are beautiful as is our son."

"Hey!" Malcolm protested to being called beautiful.

Lila ignored him and poked me in the chest. "And the boys like our daughters because they are brilliant, strong, and wonderful."

"I said they were your daughters!" I frowned at her as she smiled at me.

"Daddy, we're growing up. You can't expect us to be your little ones forever." Lea said and hugged me.

I cupped her face in my hands. "Yes, I can."

Lila motioned for the others to give us a moment. She squeezed my arm. "Don't make this harder for her." She whispered before moving off to greet Sebastian.

"Daddy if you aren't alright with this, I won't go. I don't want to upset you." Lea said watching me with the same eyes her mother did. I was as immune to them as I was to Lila's.

"I want you to do as you want, I just fear for you. Starkhaven is so far and…" I trailed off as tears filled her eyes. "I don't want to lose you, little one."

"Daddy, you aren't going to lose me." She glanced at Sebastian and then back to me. She hugged me tightly. "You are my father. I do want to get to know him, but no one can ever take your place, Daddy. I love you." She kissed my cheek as I held her tightly.

"I love you as well, little one. Just come back to us."

"Promise." She nodded against my neck. She stepped away from me and turned to hug Lila as she moved back to us.

"I'm going to miss you so much." Lila said and held her face in her hands. "I want you to have fun, but be safe. I love you so much. I'm so proud of you."

"I love you too. I'll be back before you even know it." Lea smiled and moved back. She hugged Andris tightly. "Be good, little sister. Don't beat up Duncan too badly."

"No promises." Andris laughed and moved back as the rest of our family and friends came to hug her goodbye.

Sebastian moved to us and nodded to me. "Thank you for allowing me this chance."

"Keep her safe." I answered though I would have rather never had to speak to him again. I would do this for my girls.

"I will." He promised. Lea and Lila both gave me smiles as Sebastian moved back to allow Rian to move to me.

Rian shook my hand. "Remember that she is my daughter." I said scowling at the young elf.

"I will treat her with the honor due her, Captain Freeman." He turned to Lila. "I'll keep her safe. I swear it."

"I don't need someone to keep me safe!" Lea said giving him a look like Lila had often given me. I couldn't help but smile at the image.

"Now I almost feel sorry for him." I laughed as Lea rolled her eyes at me. There was more commotion as the king and queen also joined us all to greet Sebastian and see Lea and Rian off. Before too long though all that was left was for them to board and leave.

Lila wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned into me as the ship pulled away from dock. The kids all ran to wave as it pulled away, leaving us adults behind. Eventually you could no longer see the ship and they drifted off into little groups hanging around the docks waiting for us. I glanced around at the group around us as I held my wife.

Aveline and Donnic visited with the king and queen, keeping an eye on the people around us all. Their son, Ben, was hanging with Carver, Malcolm, and Duncan. The four were all around the same age and often into mischief. Zevran, Aveline, and I were training them all.

Nerina was with Andris, Adia, Zevran and Kallian's daughter, and Vallen, Aveline and Donnic's daughter, doing her best to pretend she wasn't watching Malcolm at all. Merrill was with Orana and Theron chatting animatedly. Jordan, Caia, Emma and Declan had managed to find a puddle of mud and were happily splashing away. Anders was holding Isabela as they spoke with Bethany and Keran. Zevran and Kallian moved to stand with us.

"Well, our children are off to adventure together. It is as it should be, no?" Zevran said nodding to us.

"Hopefully it won't be like our adventures." Lila laughed.

Kallian looked up at her husband and smiled at him. "I don't know. I think ours turned out alright."

"Just alright? Woman, I am offended!" Zevran teased her.

"I would say that our adventures aren't over yet." Lila said glancing at all the children. "But I will agree that they have turned out better than alright." She said looking up at me.

"They have indeed." I hugged her. "Let's gather our children and go home."

"I like the sound of that."


	54. Chapter 54 Sebastian Ending

_**Author's Note: This is the Sebastian ending. If you are a Fenris fan, you might not want to read this. I saw how the story could be split and go in two different directions. I had been toying with a more pro Sebastian ending when I was inspired by a Sharlena who hoped I would end with something unexpected. So I hope this pleases you, Sharlena, and all you who were rooting for Sebastian. Sorry it's so long. This one was the hardest one for me to write. Apparently Fenris didn't like it much. He crashed my computer while I was writing this ending which is why this is so delayed in being posted.**_

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**One year later**

**Fenris**

I sat back in my chair and stared at the fire in my study fireplace thinking over the letter that laid on my desk. It was the twelfth letter from him. He sent one a month since we had left.

I had refused to hide away. Let him come, I thought. Lila had been worried about it, but once I began working for the king, her fear subsided some.

I, thanks to Aveline, was leading a unit made up entirely of elves. Alistair was wanting to continue the work Kallian had started with making the elves full citizens. They even had a spot in the Landsmeet. I had worked hard and within six months my unit was well trained and organized. Alistair had awarded us with a lavish home just outside of Denerim.

Lila had settled in, liking the fact she didn't have to travel far to see her sister. I had hoped she would stay home rather than work like she had been in Kirkwall. But she was determined to continue. Why did she always have to have someone she was helping?

I disapproved of the things she was doing now. Fervently. We had had several fights about it, but had finally decided it best not to discuss it. She was working for the Mage Collective.

She had told me with an angry look that she had worked for them before she had left Ferelden. She explained that they were a self policing guild of mages who wanted to live a free life. They used non magic users like her to enforce their rules and ensure their continued anonymity and safety.

I told her she had done enough to help the mages. The Circles had all risen up against the templars and Chantry, breaking free and taking control. The Chantry was at war with the templars who had broken away as well. The mages were living free. Especially in Ferelden. I told her it was enough. But she had just patted my arm and kissed my cheek.

"I'll be careful." She promised and did as she pleased. It infuriated me, but I had found a way to deal with this little collective.

Our wedding continuing to be postponed was another infuriating thing. Alistair's advisors had decided that since I had become something of an icon due to being the first elven leader of a military unit and Lila was the Champion of Kirkwall, a simple ceremony would never do. He said we were going to be a symbol of unity and the future of Ferelden.

Lila and I had finally told the advisors to do as they wanted and tell us when to show up. I couldn't stand all the fuss, and Lila seemed to be withdrawing from me. Being back here seemed to take a toll on her. Her smile and laugh weren't as ready anymore. We were spending more and more time apart. I feared that if things didn't settle soon we were going to be pulled apart for good.

I heard her come in and quickly stuck the letter in the drawer with the others. She never disturbed my room, saying that every one needed a space of their own. I still locked the drawer just in case. This was the last thing I wanted to fight with her about right now. I was still worried by her willingness to forgive him. Something needed to be done about him, but I wanted to see Lila right now.

I closed up my study and made my way to our room. I found her as she pulled off her damaged armor, favoring one leg and struggling to take off the armor as one arm hung down useless. I rushed to help her and see what was wrong.

"Lila?" I asked worriedly. She gave me a pain filled smile.

"It's not as bad as it looks."

"It looks as if you were beaten severely." I said frowning at her as I sat her down on the bed and finished removing her armor and boots.

"Then it looks like what it is, but you should see the other guys." She smiled slightly as she laid back gingerly. "I need a hot bath."

"And a healer. Give me a moment and I'll send for Anders."

"Don't bother. He's done all he can right now. He needs to rest. I have potions in that chest over there. If you will give me two and help me into the tub, I'll be fine until tomorrow."

"Lila, what happened?" I demanded as I finished undressing her and helped her to the bathing chamber. She sank down into the water and sighed. Her body was black and blue with bruises, wounds, some healed others still open, covering her.

"The Mage's Collective seems to have a mole in it. Supply lines keep being ambushed. Sometimes by bandits, but there's been rumors of a band of templars. Anders and I went along with the supply drop this time. We were ambushed."

"I told you I wanted you to stop working with them! It's going to get you killed one of these days. And you promised you weren't going to be doing anything but organizing from now on." I frowned at her as she closed her eyes and rested her head against the tub edge.

"I wasn't, but with the lines being attacked someone needed to check it out."

"And it had to be you?" I demanded.

She opened her eyes up and watched me for a moment. "Yes." She then closed her eyes back. "Can we not do this right now? I'm exhausted. I don't want to fight with you. I just want to finish bathing, tuck Lea in, and then go to bed."

I relented and gave her a nod. "Why don't I bring you up dinner? We can eat together in the bedroom. I feel like I've not seen you in days."

She opened her eyes and looked at me sadly. "I know. And when we do, we do nothing but fight." She sighed and clasped my hand. "What's happening to us?"

I knelt down and stroked her hair back. "We're just busy trying to find our pace here. We need to make more time for each other. Now that I have some officers trained, why don't I take some time off? You tell your guild you're going to be gone for a while. Kallian and Zevran have been wanting to take us to Soldier's Peak for a while now. Let's go and get away from the crowds."

She looked off into the distance for a moment and then nodded. "It would be nice. I feel like we're not even the same people we were." She looked up at me. "I feel like you don't even like me anymore."

I sat on the tub edge and stroked her cheek. "That's not true at all."

"But you've been so angry with me."

I sighed. "I have been. I don't like you endangering yourself for a needless cause anymore. Wasn't Kirkwall bad enough? Haven't you done enough already? Why do you want to throw your life away?"

She looked as if I had struck her. "It's not a needless cause. And neither was Kirkwall." She leaned forward and moved out of my grasp. "Thanks for the offer of food, but I'm not hungry. I just want to sleep."

I sighed in frustration and ran my hand through my hair. I was tired of fighting too. "As you wish." I said and stalked out of the room and then out of the house. I had some things I needed to figure out anyway.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Hawke**

I wanted to cry as he got up and left. I hated what was happening to us. I just didn't know what to do to fix it. He had changed since we had left Kirkwall. He was guarded and secretive again. I had been shocked by his very vocal anger over my work with my old guild.

I didn't see how it was any different than what I had been doing in Kirkwall. And it wasn't as dangerous now. Mages were free here. Not just free, but safe. The king protected them as well. Gave them full rights. He even had one as an advisor.

Fenris had been mad at me since I had said I had forgiven Sebastian. We hadn't spoken of it since then, but I felt it none the less. I didn't want to be stuck in the past, but it seemed it was going to haunt us.

His comment about Kirkwall was a low blow. He knew I still felt guilty about all that had happened. He knew I hated the war that was being waged between the mages, templars, and Chantry. I felt responsible for it all. I had tried to put it behind me, but I wasn't able to. It kept being thrown back in my face. I wasn't allowed to slip into oblivion here. I wasn't allowed to just be Lila. I was still considered the damn Champion. Ferelden needed me to be.

I hated our life here. I hated living here. I hated still being referred to as the Champion and being used as a political tool. Kallian hated it as well. She often sought refuge in Soldier's Peak that Alistair had award her after naming her Arlessa of Denerim. We had become friends, sharing something no one else could understand, not even our partners. She had been the only thing to keep me sane in this place.

This was supposed to be a fresh start for us, but it wasn't. Well, it was for everyone else. But I was still stuck in a role I hated and had never wanted.

Anders had set up a clinic here that was well funded and staffed. Isabela and he had drifted apart as she returned to the sea, taking Merrill with her. We didn't see them nearly enough. Aveline and Donnic had settled in and quickly rose through the ranks in the guards. Varric had eventually returned to Kirkwall, taking possession of my estate and the Bone Pit. Bethany ran a clinic in Lothering and Keran was a guard there. Fenris had even found his spot. But I was still lost and floundering.

I had sought out my work with the Collective simply because I hoped it would anchor me. I felt useless and trapped. This wasn't what I was supposed to be doing. None of this felt right anymore.

I would never admit it to anyone, but Sebastian's face haunted my dreams. Each time I looked at Lea I saw it. He had looked so broken and defeated as we had left Kirkwall. I wished there was some way I could help him. I felt like there still wasn't any closure to the wound. For either of us really.

Things had come to light recently of all the things he had done to help me through the years I had lived in Kirkwall. Not just me, but Fenris and my family as well. It made it even harder to see him as anything other than a victim in this mess.

He had been the one to convince the Viscount to meet with my mother. He had been the one paying the taxes and such on Fenris' mansion to keep the guards and nobles off of him. He had been the one who had helped ease the transition of Bethany going into the Circle. He had convinced them to treat her as a willing apprentice rather than a dangerous apostate. He was also the one who had forced them not to punish the family as well. He had even paid off Gamlen's debts, repeatedly.

And all through my pregnancy he had taken care of me. We had fought, it was true, but he never failed to see to my needs and wants. Even at great expense to himself.

I shuddered as I thought of it all. The things he and Elthina had done. The things done to him and Elthina, to myself. What a mess I had managed to fall into this time. Four lives twisted and torn up all because of a woman feeling I had stolen her future.

I knew that Sebastian had continued in the mess, pressing harder when things started to unravel with us, but he hadn't meant to hurt me. I just couldn't see him as the villain Fenris wanted me to. Not anymore.

We had fought about him that first night out at sea. Fenris had wanted to come up with a plan for when Sebastian hunted us down. I wanted to let it alone. I hoped and prayed Sebastian would see the truth of the situation and leave us be. Fenris said I was being foolish, but hadn't argued farther once I made him swear he wouldn't kill Sebastian.

It was a year later and still Sebastian hadn't come for us. It wasn't as if he didn't know where we were. Everyone knew where we were. Stupid politics, I grumbled.

There were rumors from Starkhaven. Sebastian was ruling and from the sounds of it, ruling it well. A lot of the fighting had stopped. There were even new rumors that were shocking. He had opened his city state to the mages, allowing them to live freely so long as they registered saying they were mages. I didn't know if it was true, a rumor, or a trap, but maybe he had really heard me. Maybe he had finally found peace about all of this. I hoped it was true. I didn't want him to suffer anymore.

I sighed and stood up as the water grew chilly. I took my time draining the tub and getting dressed. I was fairly certain Fenris had left the house. He nearly always did when we fought, which lately seemed like every time we saw each other.

I made my way through the quiet house to Lea's room. Orana had already put her to bed and was playing a lullaby for her on the lute. I smiled at Orana and quickly laid down next to my daughter who was more toddler than baby anymore. She curled into me, smiling at me sleepily. I knew I was being a coward, but I was going to stay here with her tonight. The only thing Fenris and I agreed on right now was not fighting around Lea. Orana finished the song as Lea drifted to sleep. She whispered goodnight to me and left the room, leaving me alone with the thoughts that plagued me.

Someone was sabotaging the Collective. I had a sinking feeling I knew who it was. I prayed I was wrong, but my gut said I wasn't. I shoved aside the thoughts and looked down at my sleeping daughter. I let her image wash away the pain, anger, and sadness. I drifted to sleep and thankfully didn't dream.

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**Fenris**

I returned to find Lila missing from the bedroom. I don't know why this surprised me. She had started sleeping in Lea's room more often as our fighting continued. I knew she didn't like to fight with me, but we couldn't seem to find any common ground anymore. It was as if our lives were taking different paths and the more we tried to hold on, the worse things got. Maybe we just needed the break from this life. Maybe we could reconnect at Soldier's Peak.

I had gone and spoken with Zevran about it. He said Kallian was planning on leaving in a week for Soldier's Peak. He was waiting on a group of his men to return from a mission in Orlais so he would be setting out after her. He suggested we send the women up together while we sorted out our men and made the trip after them. It seemed counterproductive to what I was trying to do, but it would take Lila away from the Collective. I had agreed promising to speak with Lila about it tonight. Seemed that was a promise I wasn't going to be able to keep.

I sighed and debated going to Lea's room. She was probably still awake. Lila didn't sleep much anymore. I hesitated torn in indecision, but finally decided that the worst was she asked me to leave. It wasn't any worse than wondering.

I pushed the door open, glad for it's silence. Even though it didn't make a noise, she turned to me. She always knew when I was close by. It used to be a comfort to me, now it was just another annoying habit. She glanced down at Lea and placed a kiss on her head before shifting off the bed and tucking covers around her. She moved slowly through the room to me.

I held my hand out and felt relief as she took it. Maybe she wasn't too angry about the Kirkwall comment. I pulled her close and wrapped my arms around her as she shut the door to Lea's room.

She hugged me back and laid her head on my chest. "I'm sorry." She whispered.

"I'm sorry for that comment about Kirkwall. I didn't mean it the way it sounded." I whispered back.

She looked up at me, pain clear in her eyes. "I don't want to keep hurting you. I don't know how we got to this point."

"I don't know either." I sighed and lead her down the hall to our room.

"Maybe we just need to start over and pretend earlier never happened." She said as we entered the room. She moved to her vanity and began brushing her hair. "So how was your day?"

I moved to take off my armor. I would humor her. "It was a long day. We had a couple of men come wishing to be tested."

"That's wonderful!" She said smiling at me in the mirror.

"Yes. Seems that elves everywhere have heard about the unit."

"Were they any good?" She asked.

"Surprisingly good for coming from the Amaranthine alienage. You know how the Howe's treated their elves." I answered.

"Not all Howe's are like that. Delilah and Nate are good people." She said turning to look at me.

I frowned at her. Was she really going to start a fight about this? "I am aware of that, Lila." I snapped. She looked down at her hands quickly.

"I'm sorry, Fenris. I didn't mean for that to sound like an accusation." She shook her head. "Maker, we can't even talk about our days without starting a fight."

I moved to her and knelt before her. "Lila, it's not a fight. We're going to be alright."

"Are we?" She asked looking at me.

"Do you still love me?" I asked. We didn't use that word often. Neither of us were very good at the whole emotion thing. Other than anger that is. We were both champions at anger.

She ran her hand through my hair. "Of course I do. I just feel like we're becoming different people. I don't feel like I know you anymore."

"Do you really resent the fact that I am making a name for myself rather than standing in your shadows? Did you want me to stay that bound slave instead?"

She pulled her hands back from me and looked at me sadly. "I can't believe you would even say something like that." She stood up and shoved past me. "All I've ever wanted for you was for you to have a life of your own choosing, Fenris. I wanted you to be happy and find what it was you were looking for. I don't want to be known. This was supposed to be my chance to start over. Our chance to build a new life together."

"And we have." I said standing up to watch her as she paced away from me.

"No, Fenris. You have. I'm still bound by the chains of Kirkwall." She said and leaned against the window, looking out it rather than at me. I could hear the defeat in her voice, but I was too angry to let it go.

"What do you want me to do, Lila? Do you want me to give up my post? Want us to slink off in the middle of the night again? Would running make you happy? Can you only have happiness when your life is chaos and in danger?" I snarled at her.

"You honestly believe that, don't you?" She asked whirling to look at me, eyes bright with unshed tears. Whether they were angry tears or sad tears, I didn't know. "You think I want all that drama? That I like the danger and risk?" She moved forward and glared at me. "I don't! I want peace! I don't want to have to fix everyone's problems! I don't want to be used anymore!" She yelled at me.

"You are still taking risk! You are still fixing other's problems!" I yelled back at her.

"What else am I supposed to do?" She asked taking a step back. "I feel so damned lost and alone. I'm just trying to find a place here."

"You aren't alone. I'm right here." I said moving towards her. "Your place is at my side."

She moved into my arms as I held them out to her. "I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to take risk or have danger around us. I just want peace, Fenris. I want our lives to settle down. I just want it to be like it was before."

"You mean were I was at your beck and call? Where I followed you around like Bandit does?"

"You cannot possibly think that I think like that!" She pulled away from me. "That I would want you to be like that! I love that you've found your place and have a life of your own. I just miss the closeness we had before."

"Is it that, or is it that you aren't my whole world anymore? Maybe you want me to be like Sebastian and cater to your every whim? You be my every thought? Or would you prefer me to be the Sebastian who tried to force you to be someone you didn't want to be?"

"Why are you dragging him into this?"

"You are the one who said you wanted things like they were before." I said and crossed my arms.

"As in how close we were. I don't want you to be anyone but you. Although this you is not really someone I like very much right now. You are being an ass."

"So run back to your crazy prince if you don't like me!"

"Why do you keep bringing him into this?" She snapped looking hurt and confused.

"Because he's haunting everything we do and you don't even want to discuss it. You don't even want to talk about contingencies."

"He hasn't made a move to come after us. Why do you want to continue to harp on this? Fenris, he was being manipulated. Mages used magic and demons to warp him. You of all people should understand what he went through!"

"Meaning because I made a deal with that demon I'm just as bad? Or is it the blood mage who enthralled me that you are referring to?"

"I wasn't meaning it like that. Those weren't your fault either. Can't you see that it wasn't his fault?"

"He didn't have a demon working on him, Lila. Elthina did. Sebastian did it of his own free will." I snapped at her.

"He was being manipulated as well. I don't want to punish him anymore for what happened. He's a victim in it as well."

"You want to protect him."

"It's not him I'm wanting to protect!" She snapped at me.

"Oh, really? What was all the 'swear to me you won't kill him', 'I have to forgive him' crap?"

"It wasn't for him, it was for Lea. He's her father, Fenris! Like it or not, he is. She will have questions about him. I don't want to tell her he died a crazy man at the hands of you!"

"He is not her father! Just because he got you pregnant, doesn't make him her father!" I yelled.

"Fenris, wait! Please, it's not like you're taking it!" She cried and tried to catch me, but I didn't let her. Not this time. I moved to the armoire and turned to look back at her.

"Perhaps we are becoming different people, Lila. Perhaps I don't know you anymore either. What was it you said to Sebastian all the time? Something like, we were in love with an idea, we grew into different people? Is that about right? Maybe we need some space to figure out what we want."

She dropped to her knees and held her hands out to me, but I couldn't back down. "Please don't do this, Fenris. Don't leave me. I want you. I'm sorry. I'll give up the Collective, just don't leave me."

"Kallian is going to Soldier's Peak in a week. She's asked for you to go with her. I think it best if you take Lea and go. Zevran's going to go up later. I'll come with him. We will both have had time to decide what we want because the only thing we can agree on right now is that this isn't it. I'll be staying at the barracks until you leave. Don't come looking for me." I said and quickly tossed things into a pack and left.

I needed time to take care of a problem. Once it was done, things could go back to the way they were before. She would thank me in the end. I would show her the truth of the situation.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Hawke**

I looked up as we exited the tunnels. I felt my mouth fall open at the gorgeous sight of the snow capped keep high upon the hill, mist drifted lazily in the wind, giving way to stunning views of the keep and mountainside. It was so blissfully quiet. I inhaled deeply and glanced over at Kallian who was grinning at me.

"Welcome to my sanctuary of peace and sanity."

"How do you ever leave it?" I asked smiling for the first time since Fenris had walked out on me.

She sighed. "Duty. It's a dirty word." She said scrunching up her nose and motioning me to continue with her as the men with us continued to the keep. Our escorts were Zevran's men. Fenris hadn't even bothered to come and see us off. I shoved aside the painful thought and looked back at my grinning daughter who was staring wide eyed at all the snow and trees.

Orana had panicked at the thought of leaving home again. She hadn't handle mine and Fenris' fight too well. So I had left her behind. Kallian had suggested a sweet elven girl she had grown up with named Nessa to help me with Lea. Nessa and Lea had bonded instantly. I smiled at the girl as she held Lea's hand. Bandit rolled in the snow causing some to slide down to fall at Lea's feet. I crouched down beside her as she bent to touch it.

She looked up at me with eyes wide in wonder. "Mama." She said pointing at the snow.

"I know, little one. It's snow. Isn't it cold?" I said picking some up and letting her poke it in my hand.

She giggled and did a little dance. Maker, I loved this child. I scooped her up and kissed her neck as we began climbing the stairs to the keep. She was too happy looking around to protest my carrying her. Ever since she had learned to walk, she didn't want held anymore.

We were greeted by the family of merchants who made the keep their home, but it wasn't the ordeal that we faced in Denerim. It was more like coming home. I envied Kallian this. We were quickly shown into the keep and settled into our suites.

I spent the afternoon and evening taking care of Lea, giving Nessa the night off as she reconnected with a young man she had a blossoming relationship with. It was nice to be able to focus on Lea. She was so active now it didn't give me time to think about my future or my problems with Fenris. But all too soon she was asleep and I was left alone with questions and doubts.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kallian asked joining me on my balcony. She handed me a steaming mug of hot chocolate having learned my weakness for the stuff. I sighed before taking a sip.

"He didn't even come to see us off, Kal. He just issued his orders and walked out." I hung my head. "I don't know if I'm madder at him for all of this or myself."

"What do you mean?" She asked climbing up on the railing and watching me as she sipped her own mug.

"I just did as he commanded me to. I even said I would give up the Collective. This last year I've lived it trying to please him. Trying to please the king and advisors. I feel like I'm wearing a mask and costume all the time. I don't know what happened to me." I leaned against the railing and looked over at her. "I'm not the sort of girl who just bows down. So why did when he ordered I jumped to obey?"

"Because you're trying to keep your lives whole. I have a question though. Don't think me rude or trying to cause trouble. I'm your friend and I've seen you struggling. I only want the best for you."

"That didn't sound ominous or anything." I laughed nervously.

"Just hear me out. Why are you the one trying so hard? It seems to me that he's not bending at all to try and make things work."

"He's busy with this new unit and all the responsibility on him. He's not used to being in the spot light and it's been tough."

"Seems to me he's handling all of that just fine. I'm talking about his home life. He's abrupt with you. Gruff and condescending. He finds fault with everything you say. He wasn't like this when you first got here."

"I don't know for sure, but I think he thought things would be different now." I sighed and looked out at the starry sky. "I did too."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I thought I was going to get to just be Lila. I wanted to be a wife and mother. Have a normal life. I thought I would leave behind the mantle of Champion. I didn't know I was going to become a new symbol here. I thought we were going to start over fresh somewhere. Instead he wants to flaunt where we are. I think he wants a fight with Sebastian."

"What did he expect?"

"I think from the way he reacted to my work with the Collective that I would sit by at home. I would be the doll for them to parade about with you when they needed us, but I would stay out of the mage stuff now. Almost like I was going to be a trophy rather than me."

"What are you going to do?" She asked after a few minutes of silence.

"I don't know. I think I have to give up the Collective. They would probably be safer if I did anyway." I said bitterly before I could catch myself. She looked at me sharply.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I chewed my lip for a moment. I didn't want to tell anyone my suspicions, but there was no one I trusted more than Kallian. "I think…he's the one who's been sabotaging the Collective." I whispered. Her eyes widened and she jumped off the railing to stand next to me.

"Are you certain?" She was part of the Collective as well.

"No, but I have a feeling. And there was something in his argument the other night…" I shook my head.

"I really hate feelings. Last one I had about Zev turned out right. I woke up and he was gone. Just a stupid letter and potion to cure the effects of the one he'd drugged me with so I wouldn't wake up before he was too far gone to catch."

"I don't understand why he's acting this way now. I've been taking care of the mages since we met. Well, longer than that, but all the time he's known me I have been. I don't get why it's now an issue."

"Maybe it's just a symptom of a bigger issue." She looked at me sadly. "Maybe it's just something to focus on rather than the fact that the two of you are changing and growing, but not together."

"But I love him." I protested. "He's so good with Lea. And he loves her so much. He has always taken such good care of us."

"Is it good care to make you feel like this? To attack everything you say? Lila, I know that you care about him, but I'm worried about you."

"Fenris would never hurt me."

"I'm not talking physically. I'm talking emotionally." She looked off into the distance. "My mother was a brilliant woman. A lot like you. Strong, independent, strong moral convictions. Always ready to stand up for the underdog."

"Sounds like you." I smiled at her. "She must have been amazing."

"She was. But my father was a different sort of man. He's a good man, don't get me wrong. He really thought he was doing what was best for her, but in the end he crushed her spirit. I think…it's part of why she died."

"What?" I asked turning to look at her worriedly. Kallian rarely spoke of her past.

"He constantly wanted her to change and be safe, more wifely and less daring do-gooder. He pressed and fought with her constantly about all the things she did. She just wanted to make the alienage a little better, but he feared she would be killed. One night they had a huge argument. He made her choose, us or her work. She gave up her work, but it ate at her. Before too long all the love she had for him was gone. She began taking jobs that were too dangerous. Any job offered. Not just ones helping others anymore. She got in over her head and was killed. I think if Father had supported her rather than try and force her, she would still be here. She never would have taken that job if she hadn't been desperate and angry." I squeezed her hand as she wiped tears from her eyes. "You can't change who you are for anyone else. If you do, you will only resent them in the long run."

"That's why you didn't come after Zevran, isn't it?" I asked quietly as we stared out at the night.

"Yes. I knew that he had to do this on his own. I knew if we were ever going to have a chance, then it had to be on our own terms." She looked up at me. "I have no doubt you two care deeply for each other, but I'm afraid that you are both seeing an ideal of the other rather than each other." She caught my hand as I started to pace away. "Please don't be angry, but I have more to say." I nodded to her. "You were both caught up in something horrible and all consuming. Maybe you two clung to each other because you were all the other had. Maybe now that it's over and your both safe to live again, you two aren't compatible anymore."

"I…" I shook my head. I didn't want to even think that. I wasn't going to walk away without trying.

I had shoved Sebastian away the moment things got hard. Granted it had been worse than this. He was drugging me after all. But after everything came to light, I never gave him a chance to explain. I never gave him a chance to see the truth. I just cut him off and forced him out of my life. I wasn't going to do that to Fenris. I was going to try and work it out. I had to. I owed it to him. I owed it to myself.

"I am in no way suggesting you should leave Fenris. Maker forbid! We care a great deal about both of you, but I hate seeing you like this. I just want you to really think about things. I'm here if you need me. I'll even kick his ass with you if you want me to. Besties before testies." She smiled as she elbowed me. I shoved aside the pain of it all and laughed.

"Besties before testies?" I asked.

"Just saying. You're my first friend that isn't a cousin or went through the Blight with me. You're the first person who really knows what I'm going through. No matter what you decide, I'll support you." She squeezed my hand and bid me goodnight, leaving me with much to think on.

-0-

I sat on the ground watching Lea play with Bandit as the two rolled around in the snow. Lea would pile it up on Bandit who would then shake it off, showering her with it. She was giggling nonstop.

The sight of them soothed some of the nagging ache I felt about Fenris' continued absence and silence. We had been here over a month and there had been no word from him. Zevran wrote to Kallian at least once a week. Things were going on with Orlais right now, so he was busy keeping the king appraised of the situation so he hadn't been able to join us. I assumed Fenris was staying for the same reason, but he never sent word one way or the other.

I was shamed to admit it, but I didn't miss him like I thought I would. I had found peace here for this first time since we had left Kirkwall. There was no fighting or arguing. I was able to just be me. I wasn't constantly trying to please anyone else.

I found myself thinking less of him and more of Sebastian. Lea reminded me so much of him lately. Sebastian had the same big laugh she did. Every now and then she would make a face so like him I was shocked that I hadn't realized sooner who her father was. She had his peaceful spirit. At least the peacefulness and joy he had possessed when I had first met him.

My mind was walking a dangerous path lately. Wondering if I had done the right thing about him or not. Should I have listened to him? If I had given him a chance to speak, would he have stopped with the potions? Had they only been the last resort of a man desperate for his child?

I thought of how I would feel if someone hadn't let me know Lea, let another woman raise her as her own. I would have done anything to get her back. Could I fault him for his actions? I had left him no choice really.

I pulled myself away from the thoughts as I heard the sound of someone arriving. I rushed to the gate, leaving Lea and Bandit under the watchful eyes of Nessa. I had hoped it would be Fenris, but it was one of Zevran's men. I moved to Kallian's side as he handed her a letter from Zevran.

"A meeting had been called by the king. All his advisors were called in. Zevran didn't want you to worry about him so he sent a message. He said he would be with you tomorrow or the next day." The man said bowing to her.

"Thank you for that." She glanced at me worriedly before she turned back to him. "Did Captain Freeman send word?"

He glanced at me and away quickly. "No, my lady. There had been no word from him, but the king did summon all his advisors and the heads of the guards to him." I started to walk away when he called out to me. "But Zevran did wish me to pass on some information to you, Mistress Hawke. He said you had been inquiring about Starkhaven and the rumors from there."

"And you have word?" I asked turning back to him.

"I do, Mistress. I am just returned from there. I accompanied Advisor Wynne who was meeting with other Circle representatives and the Prince of Starkhaven." He nodded. "The king feared it might be a trap and asked Zevran to send men to accompany her."

"And was it?" I asked quickly. I had to know how he was doing. What he was really doing.

"No, Mistress. He is sincere in his efforts to make things peaceful in his city-state. He gave us full tours of the Hawke Academy and answered all their questions about Lea's Law."

"Hawke Academy? Lea's Law?" I asked. Kallian clasped my hand as I felt myself grow shaky. She pulled me to the wall and sat me down on it. The man moved with us and waited until she motioned him to continue.

"Yes, Mistress. Lea's Law is a law protecting the mages right to live freely. They sign a register allowing all to know that they are mages, and as such they are protected from the people. It has given them the same rights as the rest of us. It also forbids a mage born child from being taken from their parents. All mages agree to learn to use their powers properly and swear to serve Starkhaven, in exchange they are protected from the templars and angry mobs. The people aren't allowed to persecute them just for being mages anymore. If they are targeted as such, there are stiff penalties now."

"And Hawke Academy?" Kallian asked as I tried to absorb all of this. He had made mages equal. He had created a law to protect them. He had named the law after Lea.

"It's what they've turned the Circle into. He was showing it to the different representatives to bring back to their own Circles for consideration."

"But the Circle there burnt to the ground." I said trying to focus on what the man was saying.

"It had, but it's been rebuilt. Prince Sebastian stripped some nobles of their estates around it. They had plotted against him and his family from the rumors. He took the estates and had the area rebuilt. It is still a tower, but there is more than just the tower now. It's grounds are beautiful. I would say that it rivals the palace with it's beauty."

"And it's a school?" I asked confused by this.

"More than a school. It's a school for mages to learn their skills. It's like the Circles were, but once the students pass their Harrowing, they sign the register and are allowed to live however they choose. It's not just for magic users. It is open to any who wish to learn. The prince said if non mages learned about magics and the mages they would understand that they weren't all to be feared. He said they were all the Maker's children and it was time for the slavery of them to end. He said the Maker said magic wasn't meant to rule men, but that didn't mean that mages should be treated as criminals."

"He said this?" I asked glad I was sitting down. He had heard me.

"He did, Mistress. When he learned that we were from Ferelden he invited us to dine with him. Wynne asked him much about it. He said a woman he cared for deeply had awoken him from his blindness and once he had seen it, he couldn't allow it to continue. He said that he had a daughter who stood a chance of being a mage and he didn't want a world that she couldn't thrive in." The man moved closer to me and looked at me sadly. "He said he had named the law for his daughter and the academy for the woman who had inspired it. He said he owed them more than he could ever make up for, but this was the least he could start with. He asked after the both of you."

"And what did you tell him?" Kallian asked as I stared at the ground willing the tears to stop. He had found the truth. Not only about our situation, but even about the mages. He had created a world that not only made them safe, but embraced them. And he had done it for us.

"We told him that they were doing well. We weren't sure what to say." He answered. "I am sorry that I've upset you, Mistress. Zevran felt it important that you know the truth of it. He said it would ease your mind."

"And it has." I nodded to him. He gave me a relieved smile and spoke with Kallian a bit more before he left.

"Lila?" Kallian called quietly.

"He did all of that for us. He's really changed, Kal. He's found the truth just as I prayed he would." I said looking over at her.

"This is good, isn't it?" She asked.

"It is, but…"

"But?" She asked.

"I have much to think on. Would you tell Nessa that I've gone to my room? If she needs me…"

"I'll let her know. Lila, I'm sure Fenris is just being held up with Alistair." She called as I started away.

"Fenris isn't much on writing letters. Don't worry, Kal. I'm not going to do anything rashly." I promised and forced a smile. I didn't want to think about Fenris' continued silence. It still stung, but not as much as it had at first. Maybe my heart was just toughing up. Or maybe it was a sign that something was seriously wrong with us. I hurried to my room. I had a decision to make.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Sebastian**

I stared out at the rapidly approaching shoreline. Soon I was going to be with them. I turned back to the severely creased letter in my hand. I had almost given up hope of ever seeing them. My letters had been unanswered for over a year now, but then out of the blue…

_'Sebastian,_

_I have heard the rumors from Starkhaven as well as read your letters. I want to make amends with you as well. I was wrong to keep you from Lea. Please come to Ferelden so we can discuss what happens next._

_As you are aware, if you were to dock in Denerim and announce your presence, we would not have the chance to do this privately. I know it's a lot to ask, but would you be willing to secretly enter Ferelden and meet with me outside of Denerim? Bring your guards with you. I wouldn't want you to feel like you were walking into a trap. I just want a chance to meet with you privately. I don't want Lea exposed to the whole of Ferelden like she would be if we tried to do this properly._

_If you are willing there is an old cove just north of Denerim that allows a ship to dock next to the shore. It would keep you completely hidden from view of the city. Sail in at night and none will ever have to know that you were here like this. I will be waiting in the forest there. I'll keep watch for your ship. After we have worked this out between us, we can announce your presence._

_Thank you so much for understanding. I have missed you, Sebastian. Forgive me for not writing you sooner._

_Lila'_

I refolded the letter and slipped it back into my pouch. Brendan, the head of my guards, moved to my side. He glanced at me before turning back out to the sea. Evening was approaching. We would drop anchor and wait now.

"I don't like this, sire." He said not looking at me. We had been having this argument since I had first received the letter.

"Lila is many things, Brendan, but she isn't cruel. She would never set me up like this. She's reaching out."

"Why all the secrecy?" He pressed turning to face me.

"She's always hated the people pressing around her. She doesn't like to be known. She's only ever wanted peace and quiet."

"This feels like a trap." He shook his head.

"She would never do that."

"I will obey you, Prince Sebastian. I just worry that your love for her has clouded your judgment."

"I appreciate your concern, Brendan, but it's going to be fine. Trust in the Maker."

He bowed his head to me. "As you wish, sire." He then left me alone with my thoughts of my beloved Lila and Lea. It felt good to call her Lila. She had always been Hawke to me before, but now…now she was Lila.

I was still in love with her. I still desperately wanted that life I had dreamed of with her. But I had seen the truth of everything now. I knew how much I had hurt her. I knew that what I had done was unforgivable, yet she had said she did forgive me. Even when I had persisted in my ways, she had forgiven me. She was a beautiful person who I had wronged greatly. I just wanted the chance to make things right, though I wasn't sure how to go about that.

I wanted to hope that she had written me wanting to be with me, but the letter hadn't really suggested that. What she had said was she was sorry for not letting me see Lea. I would do as much or as little as she wanted. I was so thankful she was giving me this chance to make things up to her. Even if she didn't want me, I would still be able to apologize and see my daughter.

We moved into the cove under the darkness of night and waited for the dawn. Brendan was still angry about the situation, but I had faith that it would work out as it should. Lila would never hurt me. No matter what I had done to her, she had never wanted me hurt.

We moved into the forest and found a clearing. Surely this is where she would want to meet. My men were nervous and tense as the sun rose in the sky. I turned as I heard movement in the trees. My smile fell as Fenris moved out of the shadows.

"See, your Majesty. It is as I told you." He said watching me with a slight smirk.

"I had hoped it wasn't true." King Alistair said stepping out to stand beside him. "I had hoped the man Wynne spoke so highly of wasn't capable of the things Captain Freeman had told me, but seems I was mistaken. Guards, arrest the prince and his men."

"There is a misunderstanding here. I was told to meet Lila Hawke here. She…"

"Lies!" Fenris snarled and moved to me. "My wife would never speak with you."

"Wife?" I asked stunned and took a step back. She had married him? She had deceived me. I felt the grief of it all crush me. I had ruined Lila. Just as she used to say she had ruined me. I had drove her to this. I held my hand out when my men drew their weapons. We were surrounded and in their lands. We had no rights to be here. "Lay down your arms." I turned to Alistair. "I will surrender if you allow my men to leave."

"I'm afraid I can't do that. This is an act of war, Sebastian. Invading my lands is not something I will show leniency on." He turned to his men. "Arrest them. Secure them in Fort Draken while I summon a Landsmeet to decide what to do with them." Alistair looked away from me sadly and then slapped Fenris on the shoulder. "Ferelden is in your debt, Captain Freeman."

"It was a pleasure to serve my king." Fenris said openly smirking at me as Alistair moved off with his personal guards. Fenris slapped the irons on my wrist himself.

"How could she do this to me? I said I would leave them alone, yet she still didn't believe me?" I asked looking at the man who had once been my friend.

"As if we ever even believed a word you said. All of this was just another trap to take them."

"I meant it, Fenris. I am sorry for all that I've put you and them through. I didn't want to see the truth of it, but I have now. I thought…"

He laughed. "You thought what? She was going to choose you now? That she was going to walk away with you? After all you've done to her, she doesn't even want to see you." He shoved me as the others secured and moved my men. "Lets go. We don't want to keep the king waiting."

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Hawke**

I moved to the gate and stood with Kallian. The guards had alerted us to a group approaching. She rushed to Zevran the moment he entered our sight. They embraced and kissed. It warmed my chilled heart that Fenris' continued silence had effectively put on ice. I glanced around the men with Zevran, no longer hoping to find him. I wasn't disappointed to see him absent. No longer was I hurt. I was just angry.

They whispered animatedly as they moved towards me. Each casting worried glances my way, but I was already resolved to this. I had known that he wasn't going to come. Things were over between us. All that was left was making it official.

"Lila…" Zevran started, but I held up my hand.

"Let me guess, he was held up."

"He has been busy. He and Alistair were going over something."

"Did he send any message?" I asked.

"He asked that you stay here until he sends for you." He looked at Kallian. "I am sorry, Lila."

"Don't be. I am past the point of hurting about this."

"Lila, don't do anything in anger. You can still work this out." Kallian said watching me sadly.

"No, Kal. We can't. He's not willing to bend at all. And this time away from him has shown me that I am not willing to live a half life anymore. Would you mind if I left Lea and Bandit here with Nessa while I go and settle our things?"

"Of course." Kallian said and squeezed my hand.

"Where are you going to go?" Zevran asked.

"For now, probably to Bethany's. Maybe I'll even take us back to Kirkwall. Varric has been inviting us to come and stay."

"You are welcome here or our estate in Denerim." Kallian said and Zevran nodded his agreement.

"He's a fool to treat you as such, but I do believe he loves you." Zevran said.

"I think he loved an idea of me. I am not now, nor will I ever be that docile and dutiful wife he expects me to be."

"Lila…" Kallian started, but I didn't wait to hear them out. Fenris and I had drug this out long enough. It was past time to put a stop to it. He deserved more and so did I.

I packed my things and hurried away from the peaceful retreat from reality, but it was time to return. I glanced back one last time before I made my way through the tunnels. Without the others the trip would only take half a day if I walked. But there was a wonderful surprise waiting at the end of the tunnels. Zevran had left some men there, but more important, they had a horse saddled and ready for me. I wasn't sure if he had signaled them somehow or he just knew me that well, but I wasn't going to dwell on it. Now I could be to Denerim and back in one day.

-0-

When I reached the outskirts of Denerim, I heard whispering. I was hoping to bypass Denerim completely and just go home, but something was happening. I finally managed to find Aveline in the commotion.

"Hawke? What are you doing here?" She asked and looked around nervously. "Fenris said you were staying in Soldier's Peak."

"I was. But I got sick of being on hold while he lived his life." I snapped. She looked at me puzzled, but I waved her off. "What's going on?"

"Hawke, I think it would be best if you just went back to Soldier's Peak. Give Fenris a couple more days and then he'll come so you two can talk."

"Aveline, I swear if you don't tell me what's going on right this minute, I'm going to cause a scene."

She sighed heavily. "And you would too. Fine. We didn't want you to find out like this, but…Sebastian was caught sneaking around Denerim. Fenris had gotten word in that he was up to something and they have been watching for him."

"What? But he's not done anything in over a year! And he set up all that Lea's Law and the academy and…why?"

"Well…it looks like he was going to invade Ferelden. We aren't really sure what he was doing. He's refused to say anything since we've had him in prison." She shook her head. "It's not good, Hawke. We wanted to spare you this."

"Let me see him." I demanded. Why couldn't he just let things alone? Why did he have to come after us now? Just when I had started to really think that maybe he deserved a chance to know Lea.

"Hawke…"

"Aveline, don't argue. I'll just break in if you don't."

"Fine. But you won't have long. If Fenris finds out, he'd rip out all of our hearts."

She lead me to the Fort and told the guards to let me see him. I had worn the hood of my cloak up as we made our way through Denerim. It wouldn't do any of us any good for me to be seen going here. I didn't want anyone to know I was back until I had figured out what was going on. Aveline swore she wouldn't tell anyone and left me alone to make my way to the man who was the father of my child.

-0-

"How could you do this? How could you make Lea's Law and Hawke Academy and still come here like this? Was it all a ruse? Were you planning on tearing apart Ferelden in your hunt for Anders and myself?" I demanded looking at Sebastian as he sat on the cell floor.

He looked up at me sharply. "You are really one to talk about ruses! Sending me that letter, tricking me to come here. Then having your husband arrest me. I suppose if I was being a proper gentleman I would congratulate you on your union, but forgive me for not feeling very gentlemanly right now." He said and stood up.

"Union? Letter? What are you talking about?"

"Your marriage to Fenris. The letter you sent me asking me to come here so we could work out our differences. You told me where to meet you and begged me not to go through the proper channels so we could avoid the fanfare, but really you were just setting me up so it would look like I was invading Ferelden. If you had wanted me dead so badly there were easier ways to go about it." He said and hung his head defeatedly.

"Sebastian, I've not sent you a letter. I was planning on it, but I was waiting until I could end things with Fenris properly before I reached out to you."

"More lies, Lila?" He scoffed. "Brendan warned me, but I would never have believed you capable of these things. I believed in you, Lila. I thought after all my letters to you, you would have realized I was sincere in my apologies. I only wanted to do whatever you wanted so I could make this right for you and Lea."

"Sebastian, I've not had a word from you since that night on the docks of Kirkwall. I don't know what letters you keep talking about."

"You are going to deny my letters? One for each month that you've been gone." He said moving closer to the cell door. He then pulled out a creased paper and shoved it at me. "Here. Maybe this will refresh your memory to the letter you sent me."

I took the paper and read it. I looked up at him shocked. That wasn't my writing. It was Fenris'. "This isn't mine. I didn't write this."

He snatched it back from me. "And I'm supposed to believe that now? What game are you playing Lila? You've already won. They are going to behead me."

"No!" I said and held onto the bars. What had Fenris done?

"Lila, please. This is too hard for me. I thought that maybe we could find a way to be at least friends again. My heart is broken with the knowledge of this all. Please don't make this worse."

"Sebastian, why didn't you give them the letter? Why are you just quietly accepting all of this?" I asked. I had to find so way to spare him from this. I wasn't going to let him be killed because Fenris wouldn't let go of a fight long since over.

He reached out and cupped my cheek, lightly running his thumb over it. "Because no matter what you've done to me, I've done so much worse to you. I love you, Lila. I never want to see you hurt. This letter would be considered treason. It was sent with the purpose of starting a war between our kingdoms. You would be killed if I gave it to them. I would rather die than let that happen." He started to pull back, but I laid my hand over his. He looked at me stunned, but then his eyes softened.

I felt tears run down my cheeks. He loved me. He truly did. So much so that even when he thought I had betrayed him, he was willing to die in my place. Why had I ever believed that he was anything other than a good man? He hadn't wanted to hurt me. He was just afraid. His actions were horrible and wrong, but he loved me. No matter what.

"Don't cry, Lila. I'm at peace with the Maker. I will face my death bravely."

"You aren't going to die, Sebastian. I won't allow it." I placed a kiss on his hand and took a step back. "I swear to you I didn't write that letter and I've never seen the ones you say you wrote. I'll find a way to get you freed. I promise."

"Lila, it was Fenris, wasn't it?" He called stopping me as I went to the door.

I looked back at him sadly. "I can't let this hurt him either. No matter what he's done now, he's always taken care of Lea and me."

"I don't want to see your husband hurt either." He said and swallowed hard.

"Fenris isn't my husband. We were engaged, but we…well, things have been bad between us for a while now. I was coming here to speak with him when I heard the news of your capture."

"Lila?" He called as I started off again. I turned back to look at him. "Would you…want to go with me if I…when I leave? I won't ever pressure you again for anything more than you want, but I would like to get a chance to know you and Lea."

"She deserves to know her father and how much he loves her." I said watching him. Hope bloomed in his eyes. Maker I had made a mess of things, but I was going to make it right. "I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance before now."

"I didn't deserve a chance before."

"We can talk about this later. Right now I have to figure out how to save you without condemning him."

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Fenris**

I made my way home. Secure in my plans. Sebastian was to be killed tomorrow. I would see him dead and then head to Soldier's Peak. Lila would have calmed down enough by now that she would be willing to do whatever I asked of her. I knew I would need to placate her with my long absence and silence, but we would be wed shortly and all would be in the past. With the threat of Sebastian no longer hanging over our head, we could finally have peace and enjoy this life.

I entered the house and saw Orana standing there wringing her hands nervously. We had gotten closer during this time away from Lila and Lea. I found that I liked the gentle and quiet girl.

"What is it?" I asked moving to her. She glanced up the stairs and then back at me.

"It's Mistress. She's back and angry. I tried to stop her, but she wouldn't listen to me."

"Lila's back? Why would you stop her?" I asked confused.

"She's in your study. She said something about letters. I knew you didn't want her finding them, but I couldn't stop her." She said glancing worriedly up the stairs.

"It's alright, Orana. This isn't your fault." I said and hurried up the stairs. Lila was sitting at my desk, my drawer opened and a stack of letters in her hand. She looked up at me, tears coursing down her cheeks. Her eyes hardened and turned cold as she saw me standing there.

"What happened to we each needed a space of our own?" I demanded hoping to buy myself time to explain before she grew angry enough to not listen.

"Do not even try that with me, Fenris! It might have worked on me a month ago, but not now. Too much time apart gave me clarity."

"It was supposed to, Lila. It was supposed to show you that you missed me. That you missed our life."

"Well, then it backfired on you, Fenris. I discovered how unhappy I've been. How I've been walking on eggshells afraid of upsetting you. Well, no more. I hate it here. I hate being your and Ferelden's pet. I don't want to live like this anymore."

"Lila, calm down. I know I should have sent word sooner, but things have been crazy here." I tried again.

"Yes, I bet it has. It's hard work scheming so much, isn't it?"

"Scheming?" I asked as she waved the letters at me.

"How could you keep these from me? How could you read these and still say he was a threat?"

"He was a threat! You just don't want to see the trap of it all!"

"Trap? You are the one who's trapped him! They are going to kill him, Fenris!" She yelled at me.

"What are you talking about?" I asked feeling my blood go cold. She had seen him. She had to have if she knew about the letters he had written and the one I had sent him.

"Do not play stupid with me! I found out what happened and went to see him. He showed me the letter. He hasn't given it to them because he didn't want me killed for treason. How could you do that!" She yelled at me as she stalked around the desk to me.

"How could I not? He's being trying to worm his way back into our life. You refused to see reason, so I had to take matters into my own hands. How could you go and see him? Why didn't you stay where I told you to?"

"Where you told me to?" She yelled. "I am not your child to be ordered around, Fenris! I went to see him because I was confused. I didn't understand why he would do this after all he's done in Starkhaven. I'm going to assume you know about Lea's Law and the academy."

"I do, but can't you see it's just another trick?" I pleaded with her. I was going to lose her. No, I had already lost her. It should hurt more. I remembered the pain of that thought when I had nearly walked out on her when we had first gotten together. This didn't hurt like that. Mainly I felt anger and irritation. And deep down, I felt relief.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I hope you don't truly think that way. I hope that you can see that people change, Fenris." She opened her eyes up and they were sad as they watched me. "I hope that you won't let the past dictate you anymore. Not Sebastian or Danarius. You are free, Fenris. Embrace your new life and stop seeking the past to entrap you."

"Lila, you should know that the past never stays in the past."

"It would have this time if you had let it." She moved past me and grabbed a pack that was sitting by the door.

"Where are you going?" I demanded.

"To fix this mess once and for all. I'm sorry it's ending like this, Fenris, but it's for the best. I wish you happiness and health. Don't come looking for us. Let's end this cleanly and try to remember each other with fondness rather than hate."

"You're going back to him! After all of this, you are going to walk back into the arms of that madman!" I yelled at her, seething with anger at the thought of losing to him.

"I am going to go with him. He deserves the chance to get to know Lea. As for going back into his arms…I am still getting over you. No matter how it's ended, I did love you, Fenris." She looked at me over her shoulder then. "A part of me always will. Thank you for all you have done for us." She moved to me and placed a kiss on my cheek. "I'm sorry."

I caught her hand and held it a moment. I knew I could force her to stay. If I begged she would. She didn't want to hurt me either. I could cave just a bit and we could find middle ground, but I didn't want to back down. I didn't want to be someone I wasn't anymore either. I had found my place, and she couldn't be part of it. I had to let her go.

"I'm sorry as well." She smiled a teary smile and nodded.

"Take care of Orana for me." I nodded to her and turned away. I couldn't watch her go. I hung my head as I heard the door shut. Silence filled the house for a while before I heard Orana's quiet steps on the threshold.

"Master?" She asked.

"She's gone, Orana. And I am not your master."

"Are you alright, Ma…Fenris?" She asked. I turned to look at her.

"I will be." I knew it was true now. Lila and I weren't meant for each other. We each wanted something different. I had tried to hold onto her, but she couldn't be who I wanted her to be anymore than she could have been who Sebastian wanted her to be. I did love her and Lea, but we weren't right for each other. Deep down I had always known this.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Hawke**

I had fled the house with only what we would most need. I found one of Zevran's men and sent him to Soldier's Peak with a plea for them to bring Lea to me as soon as possible. I then made my way to the palace and bullied my way into getting a meeting with the king.

He motioned me into his study once they announced me. He raised his brow at me and pointed to the seat. "I've never known you to use your status as Champion before."

"Desperate times, your Majesty." I said in way of apology. I didn't take the chair though. I was too worked up to sit.

"I'm going to assume this has something to do with the Prince of Starkhaven." He said after a few moments of watching me.

"It does, sire. I am here to beg you to release him."

He leaned back in his chair and watched me. "And why would I do that?"

"Because he didn't come here to invade Ferelden. He came here after his daughter."

"His daughter?" Alistair asked. We had told no one outside of our group that Lea wasn't Fenris'. I was sure some assumed or had heard the rumors, but we hadn't felt the need to go into it.

"Yes, sire. Lea is his daughter. It is a long and complicated story, but he came here hoping that we could work out our differences. He didn't mean to do things to deceive you."

"Yet he felt the need to sneak into Ferelden."

"He was doing that to protect Lea and myself. He was hoping to avoid making a scene as we worked out or problems. He wanted to keep Lea safe, as did I. Please, sire, I beg you, don't kill him for this. We can avoid war if you release him."

"And what guarentee would I have that he wouldn't just try it again? Or worse, retaliate if your story is true."

"My story is true, sire. And he won't because I am taking our daughter and leaving with him."

Alistair looked at me sadly. "So you and Fenris couldn't work things out?"

"No, sire. I'm afraid we grew into different people." I said feeling uncomfortable discussing this with a man who was a virtual stranger to me.

"I had hoped you two could." He sighed and leaned on his desk for a moment. "If you and Sebastian will sign a peace treaty vowing your aid to Ferelden should we call upon you, and he swears to never return here without announcement or invitation, I will allow him to leave."

I rushed around the desk and hugged him. "We will. Thank you, your Majesty!"

"Speak with the prince first. If he agrees, then I will let you all leave tonight. Will it be possible?"

"It will. I've sent for Lea, sire. I know he will sign it. Thank you for this."

"And you are sure this is what you want, Lila?" He asked stopping me at the door.

"It is, sire."

"Then Maker's blessings on your path."

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Sebastian**

"You're all acting as if this is a funeral." Lila laughed as she stood facing the group who had come to see her off. I tried to stay back by the gangplank, allowing her this time with her family and friends. I still couldn't believe she was coming back with me.

When she had reappeared in the prison it was as if she had brought the sun with her. Her words to me were a balm to my wounded soul. I hadn't realized the cost of my freedom until she had been forced to sign a treaty as well. She had given me a smile that might have fooled the king and his advisors, but I saw her pain in it.

"Well, you are leaving with the man who vowed to tear apart all of Kirkwall to find us." Anders said eyeing me angrily.

"I was wrong to say that. You have no need to fear me, Anders. Elthina would not want me to kill you to avenge her. She once said death was never justice."

"Sebastian isn't going to hurt us. We will be just fine. You all know me. I always land on my feet." Lila teased and hugged the mage tightly. "Take care of yourself, Anders."

"And you take care of you and my niece. You can always come back. The king only forbid Sebastian from returning."

"I know." Lila answered and turned to Aveline.

"Are you certain about this? You could just move in with us if you need a place to go." Aveline said watching me a moment before looking at Lila.

"I am sure. Sebastian isn't the same man he was when we left Kirkwall."

"I will always support you. Even when I question your decisions." Aveline said and hugged her tightly. She then moved to me. "I am trusting you with my family. Know that there will be no place for you to hide if you hurt either of them. You will wish Fenris had found you before I am done with you."

"I understand, Aveline. I will do my best to ensure their safety and happiness." I vowed. She gave me a sharp nod and moved to stand with her husband.

"I can't believe you're going to leave me." The tiny elven woman who was called the Hero of Ferelden said embracing Lila. Another elven woman and Zevran stood with her holding my daughter. I had held my tongue and stayed back though I longed to hold the tiny beauty who was looking around at everyone with a puzzled look on her little face. Maker she looked like her mother. But there was something of my mother in her as well.

"You can always come and see me. And it's not like it's forever." Lila said as tears came to her eyes.

"All of you are welcome any time. My home is yours." I added.

Lila gave me a small smile before turning back to woman. "I'll miss you so much. Will you please see that Bethany gets these?" She asked handing her a package.

"I will. I'll also have a ship made ready for her when she is ready to come and see you." Zevran said moving to stand next to the woman. He clasped Lila's hand. "If you need anything, Lila, we are only a short trip away."

Lila hugged him tightly. "I know. Thank you. All of you. But don't be sad. This is what I want. Lea will get to know Sebastian, and I will get to start over. Maybe even fix my past mistakes." Lila said looking at me. Lila took Lea from the elven girl and hugged her. "Thank you for taking care of Lea."

"It has been my pleasure, Champion." The girl placed a kiss on Lea's cheek. Lea smiled at her and waved.

"Bye bye." She said with a bright smile.

Lila laughed and placed a kiss on her cheek. "That's right, little one. We're going bye bye."

"Boat." Lea said pointing at the ship behind us.

"We're going to go on the boat." Lila told Lea who beamed at her. She then smiled at me.

"Hi." She said waving at me. I moved forward and everyone tensed except Lila.

"Lea, this is Sebastian." She said giving me an apologetic smile. "We'll find someway to explain it to her later, but it would just confuse her right now." She explained. I nodded and stared into the face of my daughter.

"May I hold you, Lea?" I asked. She paused for a minute studying me, but then held her hands out to me. I took her from Lila and settled her in my arms. I thought my heart would explode as she looked up at me. She ran a hand through my hair and then tugged one of her pigtails.

"Hair. Mine." She said smiling at me.

"We do have similar hair." I nodded to her. She beamed at me and clapped her little hands together.

"Say bye to everyone little one. We need to get going." Lila said moving to us.

"You weren't going to tell me bye?" Fenris asked appearing behind the others. They all parted ways. Lila's hand tightened on my arm a moment, but she forced a smile and moved towards him.

"I wasn't sure you would come." She said quietly. He took her hand watching me as I held Lea.

"I wasn't sure I could." He said turning to face her. He cupped her face in his hand. "Are you sure? You can keep the house if you want to be away from me. You don't have to leave Ferelden."

She stepped back and held his hand in hers. "Yes, I do. I'm going to be alright."

"Lila, I never meant for things to get so bad between us."

"Neither did I. I am happy for you, Fenris. You've found a life that you love. There's just no room for me in it."

"I can make room." He said looking down at her.

"But neither of us would be happy. Let's part now while we can still be friends." She gave him a sad smile.

"May I tell Lea goodbye?" He asked.

"Of course." Lila answered and lead him to us. I didn't want to hand her over, but I had little choice as she reached for him.

"Goodbye, little one. Be good for Mommy." He said hugging her close.

"Luv Fen." Lea said and kissed his cheek.

"And Fen loves you."

Lea pointed at the ship. "Boat." She said happily.

"You're getting to go on the boat." Fenris nodded to her.

"You?" She asked cocking her head to the side and looking at him. A pout was starting.

"Not this time, little one." Fenris said and handed her to Lila. He stroked her head and smiled at her. "No matter what, Lea, I will always love you." He turned to Lila. "Should either of you ever need anything…"

"You too." She said nodding to him.

"I will have the rest of your things crated up and shipped to you." He glanced at me. "I suppose to the palace in Starkhaven."

"If we aren't there, I will leave word with where to send them. Take care of yourself, Fenris. I'm honored to have been part of your life and seeing the man you've become."

"The honor has been mine." He turned to me and the anger was barely contained in his eyes. "Hurt them and I will finish what we started so long ago." He snarled.

"I never wanted to hurt them. I know I have done nothing but that, but I swear I will do everything in my power to see that they are never hurt again. Thank you for taking care of them, Fenris. You did what I could not, and for that I will always be grateful to you. Thank you for giving me this chance now."

"I didn't do it for you." He said glancing at Lila and Lea who were both watching us. Lila looked slightly worried, and Lea was pouting.

Lila moved towards me as Fenris stepped back. He gave her a nod. She looked back at the others one last time before she called for Bandit. He bound to her and looked at me questioningly. "It's alright, Bandit. Sebastian isn't an enemy." She said quietly. She handed Lea back to me and waved to the others as we started up the gangplank.

I held my daughter who blew kisses at all the people left on the dock before snuggling close to me. Lila didn't look back at her friends, she just moved to the front of the ship and stood at the rails. I cast one look back and then moved to the front of the ship after her.

"Are you alright?" I asked. Lea's eyes were growing heavy as she laid her head on my shoulder.

Lila smiled up at me after looking at Lea. "I will be. I should go and put her down for a nap. She missed hers earlier so it's going to be a long night."

"I can do it. If you don't mind, I mean." I said quickly. I wasn't sure how much of a role she was going to let me have with her. She gave me a smile and it eased some of my nerves.

"You are her father, Sebastian. How about we do it together? Then you will know what to do next time." I smiled and nodded. Next time. I liked the sound of that a lot.

-0-

**Five Years Later**

I took the letter from Bethany and made my way to the gardens. Lila had the children out there as she waited for me. We were going on our afternoon ride when the children went in. Lea for her music lessons, Lucas and Malcolm, our two year old twins named after my grandfather and Lila's father, for their nap.

It had taken two years for us to build back our relationship. Lila had needed time to find a life for herself before she was ready to move onto a new relationship. I had named her my advisor and gave her a separate wing in the palace. There was no one's opinion I valued more than Lila's.

She had proven what I had always thought, she would make an excellent ruler. She was fair and compassionate. She hadn't been raised as a noble so didn't care about the nobilities airs. She put everyone at ease with her friendliness. She saw things from a different point of view and wasn't afraid to challenge anyone who might oppose her. Starkhaven had thrived with her at my side.

We had become friends. Good friends. Slowly learning all about the other. My love for her had grown daily as I learned how truly amazing she was.

I had feared she would never feel the same for me, but one night after we had put Lea to bed, she had kissed me. It was quick and timid. She had looked at me worriedly. I had crushed her to me, kissing her with all the pent up emotions that I had harbored for so long now. We had spent the rest of the night discussing things. By morning we had decided that we were ready to be married.

I used every resource at my disposal to prepare a quick wedding that was fit for a princess. I had worried about Lila taking up that role. Not because I thought she wouldn't do a splendid job, but because I knew how much she hated the title of Champion. She had curled into my side when I had voiced my concern.

"Sebastian, some titles don't have to be a bad thing. Though I would be happy if I didn't have the title, I don't mind it. I'll have you to share the burden with. I promise I will do everything I can to make you proud of me. I will serve Starkhaven as if I was born here." She had vowed looking up at me, worry darkening her eyes. "Unless you don't want this anymore. You don't have to marry me to keep Lea in your life."

I had hugged her tightly and kissed her, hoping to show her how much I wanted her. She melted back into my side and sighed. "I love you, Lila. I, and Starkhaven, will be fortunate to have you as our princess." And we had been.

I paused as I spotted them. Lila was holding a stick in one hand as was Lea. Lila was showing her the proper way to swing it while Malcolm and Lucas cheered them on and dug in the dirt. I moved out to them when Lila spotted me. She gave me a smile and laid the stick down.

"Daddy's here." She said causing all of them to stop what they were doing. Lea dropped her stick and ran for me. My darling daughter was the image of her mother except for her curls that refused to stay contained in the braid she was wearing. I caught her up and swung her around.

"Daddy, can I please learn archery now? Mom says I'm still too young." She pouted.

"No. I said you were too young to do it while your brothers were out here. I told you I would discuss it with your father tonight." Lila said as she moved to us. Malcolm and Lucas clung to my legs.

"We can discuss this tonight, Lea." I said and kissed her cheek. I sat her down and hugged my two dirty boys to me. They left a dirt trail on my white tunic, but I didn't care. I was far too much in love with my family to care. "Have you two been good?" I asked and smiled as Lucas nodded proudly and Malcolm looked away guiltily. Malcolm was far more mischievous than Lucas. Lucas tended to follow him into whatever it was, but it wasn't so willingly.

"There was a slight mishap in the kitchens, but nothing earth shattering." Lila said and kissed their cheeks as she hugged Lea to her. "Look, Ana and Linda are here. Nap time and music." Lila said as the children's tutor and nanny appeared. All three put up a protest, but eventually they were all settled and we were left alone. "Is everything alright?" Lila asked as we moved through the gardens towards the stables.

"Of course." I answered quickly. I didn't want to tell her what Bethany had written me. I didn't want to upset her. But I had also vowed to never keep anything from her again. I would never break my vow to her. She looked at me worriedly and pulled to a stop.

"Sebastian, what is it?"

I sighed. "I had hoped to save this for after the ride, but I suppose it's best to just get it over with." I pulled her to a bench and sat down.

"You're scaring me. What is it?" She asked as I tried to figure out how to tell her.

"I received a letter from Bethany."

"Oh, Maker! She's alright, isn't she? Carver and Keran?" She asked hurriedly, clasping onto my arm. Carver was their four year old son.

"Yes, they're all fine." I hurried to assure her. She took a steady breath and loosened her grip on my arm. "She just sent word that she was afraid would upset you."

"What?" Lila asked looking worried again.

"Fenris has…married." I said and handed her the letter. I wasn't sure how she would take it. They hadn't spoken at all in these five years.

She looked off into the gardens after she had read it. "He married Orana. I…"

"Lila, I'm sorry." I said quietly trying not to feel hurt by her reaction. She had loved him too.

She looked at me and hugged me quickly. "Oh, Sebastian! You think this has upset me?" She laughed and shook her head. "You crazy man! I love you. I wanted Fenris to find happiness. This is good news. It's just a bit of a shock. I told him to take care of Orana, but I never would have thought that they would have ended up together."

"You aren't hurt?" I asked.

She laughed and placed a kiss on my cheek. "Why would I be? I chose you, Sebastian. You are the man I love." Her eyes twinkled with merriment as she stood up. "Take me to our room instead of the stables and I will gladly demonstrate."

"Well, if my princess demands it, who am I to argue?" I said standing up and pulling her into my arms. "I love you, Lila Vael."

"Hmm. That's a very good thing. The Maker did give me to you after all."

"And how very thankful I am for that."

"Take me to our room and show me just how thankful."

"Gladly." I said and lifted her up, hurrying through the castle to our suite. It might have taken some time, but the Maker really had given her to me after all.


	55. Chapter 55 Alt ending 1

_**Author's Note: This is my attempt at dark and twisty. I wasn't able to fully pull it off. *Sigh* My name is cvreitzer and I'm a fluff-aholic.**_

**Alt ending 1 **

**Hawke**

I woke feeling pain coursing through my body. My mind cloudy with the potions he'd been giving me. I struggled against the chains but it was no use. I was bound tightly to the table in the dark room. Some sort of cavern holding cell. I wasn't sure what he had done to Lea or Fenris, but I had been here for days now. I couldn't remember how he had got me or where he had taken me. The beatings and potions were taking their toll on me. I wasn't sure how much more I could stand without going mad.

I wasn't able to stay awake long, the pull of the potions tugged me back into the hated haze leaving me floating somewhere between waking and sleep. It was worse than the peace of the oblivion. Here I could hear and feel, but was helpless to do anything about it while he spoke his crazy talk and tortured me, trying to break me. I feared he was going to win, be it my submission or my death. I couldn't tell which he wanted most.

I heard voices enter the room and a hand striking flesh. "You idiot! What have you done? I told you to hold her, not torture her!" Snapped an unfamiliar male voice.

"But Master, I wished to show you my usefulness. I wished to show you what I could do. And she is broken now. Ready to be transformed, just as you wanted." Pleaded a simpering female voice.

"I had plans for her. I was going to use her to strengthen my position in the senate. I was going to show my power and control through her. Now I will have to wipe her clean. She will be little more than a shell." Said the man in disgust. "Do you know how long it will take to reprogram her? We can't keep her hidden forever. As it is the others are looking for her."

This filled me with hope. Fenris was still alive and would come for me. I didn't know who these people were, but they must have been working with Sebastian. More people trying to use me.

"We can wipe just the dreams I've been giving her. Or give her new ones. I've learned the key to keeping her in them. This latest one has been most successful. If she woke now, she would believe that the brother was the one holding her."

I felt someone move closer and tilt my face. A cold hand lightly caressed my cheek. What was the woman talking about? The male's voice spoke close to me. "I am intrigued enough to hear about your apparent success."

I could hear the relief in the woman's voice as she moved closer. "I was trying to use her apparent closeness to the brother…"

"You mean the Starkhaven heir?" The man asked, interrupting her.

"Yes. But he was a failure. She woke from the dream and would nearly manage to escape each time. I had to introduce something that she wouldn't want to leave. I had to give her more control over the dream, adapt it to fit what she did."

"Clever, my apprentice, clever. Tell me more." The man purred.

"Well, I started with the prince drugging her. But it wasn't enough, she still resisted him. So then I made her pregnant. But she refused to believe it was his. She believed it was slavers who had caught her."

"A bit of reality bleeding in. This is good." The man said.

"At first I was afraid about it, but then I proceeded with it. You said you wanted her to lead the mage rebellions so I had him pushing her to take the side of the Chantry."

"You used her own aversion to the Chantry against her?" He chuckled.

"And her seeming aversion to him. Each time I tried to introduce him as a sweet and loving partner, she woke. So I changed him to a manipulative and pushy partner."

"And she believed it?"

"Completely. The next thing was a surprise. One I feel you might find useful."

"Do tell."

"Her chosen protector and lover was none other than Leto."

"You mean Fenris." The man said, displeasure clear in his voice.

"Of course, Master. Forgive me."

"I can see why she would chose him. The boy is very skilled." The man said as he lightly touched my face again.

"With a few simple prompts from me, she created an elaborate fantasy world with him and her daughter."

"Why did you chose a daughter?" He asked.

"She is still reeling from the loss of her mother. She was wanting to name the child after her if it was a girl." The woman answered.

"You are proving to be most devious. I am growing more and more pleased with our arrangement." The man said.

"Thank you, Master. I do want to please you."

"But you mentioned that she was starting to give you problems these last days?"

"Yes. I was forced to come up with a villain for her. I used some mages she had had trouble with before. And the templars she trusted. I had them take her daughter and sister in a plot of revenge on her. Show her how much the Circle was failing."

"And that was a problem?" He pressed.

"No. She did side with the mages when I pushed her to a final showdown with the Knight-Commander. What did was she was fighting to get away. She woke up and nearly escaped again. I managed to salvage the dream by using a glamour spell, portraying one of the men as the prince. He tortured her until we could drug her again. She believes that he has captured her. She's been in and out of awake and dream state, screaming for Fenris and Lea, begging the prince to let her go."

The man moved back and ran a hand down my cheek and then into my hair. "It's sad how fragile even the strongest mind can become. You think we can erase the dream and give her a new one? Make it so she will take the viscount seat in opposition to Meredith? I've been speaking with the nobles. They will back her. And if she will support the mages…" The man trailed off.

"It's just what you need to prove you are the right candidate for the dying archon's replacement." The girl said. I heard them leave the room. Fear and confusion consumed me as silence filled the room.

Who were these people? Where was Sebastian, Fenris, and Lea? That couldn't have been just a dream. It was too real. This was a lie. Another ploy of Sebastian's. He wanted me to feel all alone. He was going to say he was rescuing me from these people. Take me to Lea. This was just a new game in his torture.

Or maybe I had been right when I had said I was possessed. Maybe this was nothing more than a demon controlling my mind. Nothing felt right anymore. Everything was spinning and distorting. What was real? I had to get away from here. I had to find the others. I had to find Fenris and Lea.

I forced my eyes open and made them focus. I was stretched across a table. Arms bound above my head and ankles bound at each corner. I wiggled my hands and found a bit of slack in the manacles around my wrist. It would be tight and hurt, but it wasn't going to stop me. I began fighting to get my hand free. Finally one hand slipped out, my blood slicking my skin enough to give me the leverage I needed.

I went still as the pain of it threatened to take me under. I bit into my lip, forcing myself to focus. I couldn't let any of them win. I wasn't a tool to be used. Be it Sebastian's crazy I had been given to him by the Maker, some demon from the Fade, or some Tevinter Magistrate who thought I was the key to winning the archon's seat.

I worked my other hand free and sat up. The motion caused my vision to swim as pain bloomed in my head, spots danced before my eyes. A few deep breaths around the pain in my ribs and I was able to see again. I was pleased to see the ankle manacles had easy to remove latches. They had thought with my hands chained that was enough to keep me locked away. They had another thing coming.

I climbed off the table and looked around for a weapon of some sort. Footsteps were coming down the hall. There was nothing. I was going to have to use my injured hands. I crouched ready to fight when the door opened and a most welcomed sight cautiously looked into the room.

"Fenris!" I whispered in relief. I rushed to him, hugging him tightly. He had found me. He had come for me. He was alright. "Where's Lea?"

"Hawke, we have to get you out of here. Are you alright to walk?" He asked looking down at me as he held stiff in my arms. I was puzzled by his greeting. Why would he call me Hawke? Why wasn't he holding me? Why didn't he answer me about Lea?

"Fenris…I…" I stumbled back in fear as Sebastian walked in behind him. I couldn't let him hurt Fenris. "Look out!" I warned. Fenris tensed and looked back. He then turned to me in confusion.

"Hawke, it's alright. You're safe now." Sebastian said slowly moving to stand by Fenris.

"I'll do whatever you want, just leave him and Lea alone." I begged.

"What's wrong with her?" Sebastian asked looking at Fenris.

"I don't know. She keeps asking where someone named Lea is." Fenris said frowning. "From the looks of it, they've been torturing her. She's probably out of her mind on potions right now. She may not even realize we're here."

Somehow they had gotten to Fenris. It had to be. "No! You gave him the potions too, didn't you? You weren't content with ruining me, you had to take everything from me as well!" I yelled and threw myself at Sebastian.

"Hawke! I would never hurt anyone, let alone you or Fenris!" Sebastian said and held me to him as I tried to hit him. Fenris watched me as if I was possessed. His eyes the cold and impersonal eyes from before Lea was born. He was gone from me. All of it was falling apart. My mind hurt, images were splitting. Lives…two separate lives were emerging. I couldn't tell what was real.

As I tried to hold the pieces together I saw them for what they were. Lea wasn't real. That life with Fenris wasn't real. It had all been a dream. A dark and twisted dream meant to break me. I sobbed as I realized it. My heart breaking in agony of my beloved daughter being gone. No not gone, never even existed. It was too much. I couldn't take it. I couldn't survive it. Not another thing taken from me.

"As much as I hate to suggest this, we need to get her to the abomination." Fenris said watching me as I struggled to breath past the pain that was destroying me. "I don't know what they've done to her, but maybe he can fix it."

"I agree. What are we going to do about the masterminds behind this?" Sebastian asked as he sat me down.

"We can't leave her here like this. And she's in no shape to fight. We're going to have to let them go." Fenris snarled and angrily punched the wall. "They're going to get away. We should have waited for the guards to come as well."

"Fenris! They've had Hawke for a week now! We couldn't wait another moment." Sebastian said and lightly tilted my chin up. "I'm so sorry, Hawke. We never should have left you. We'll get you out of here. It's going to be alright now."

Calm washed over me. A decision made. I swallowed hard and pulled the mantle of Champion around me. I would wear it this one last time. Be the person they thought me to be. I shoved away the hurt and pain. I would look at it later. "They were after me."

"What?" Sebastian asked pushing hair back from my face.

"Should we trust anything she says right now?" Fenris asked eyeing me. It was all I could do not to sob in misery as he looked at me. I loved him so much and he didn't care an ounce about me. He never had. I was a tool to be used by him as well.

"They were in here speaking, but I was confused by it. But I see now that all the other was a dream. They made me believe…it's not important." I said and shook my head. I would tell them the dream later. Or maybe just write it down. Leave it for them to find to explain why I was going away. "One of them is a Magistrate who is trying to secure his position to take over for the dying archon." I said and rubbed my wrist. The pain of the raw skin felt like a relief against the pain of my mind and heart.

"They were talking about this? You're sure?" Fenris asked moving closer to me.

I nodded. "The woman apprentice called you Leto and the man corrected her and called you Fenris."

"Leto…how do you know this name?" Fenris demanded and moved closer to me. He grabbed my arm jerking me up.

"Your sister told it to us when we went to see her…that was all in the dream wasn't it?"

"We haven't seen my sister. She's here in town. She wanted to meet with me in a few days. I hadn't told you that I had written her." Fenris growled at me. "Danarius." He spat the word.

"You really think so?" Sebastian asked.

"She couldn't know about Varania or the name Leto without it being them." Fenris snapped and paced away.

"Well, now we know that meeting your sister is a trap. Do we face them now?" Sebastian asked and eyed me.

"Give me a dagger and I will help." I nodded to him.

"Are you certain you're up to it?" Fenris asked, for a second his eyes flickered with concern.

"If you knew the things they had done to me, you would not ask me that question. I will rest easier knowing those bastards won't do this to another." I said and took the offered dagger from Sebastian.

"I'll check the hallway. Wait here a moment." Sebastian said giving me an encouraging smile.

"Are you…alright? Danarius is…brutal." Fenris asked quietly. The pity in his eyes was worse than the cold.

"From the sounds of things, he's just recently arrived. I was tortured at the hands of your sister. All for her to prove her worth to him."

"Hawke, I had no idea that she would betray me. I had no idea they would come after you. I'm sorry that my mess keeps ending up in your lap." Fenris said looking down at the ground.

I gave him a smile I hoped was convincing. "That's what friends are for, isn't it?" I reached out and caught his hand. I knew he hated to be touched, but I needed that contact one last time. "I'm sorry that it's turned out like this. I'll understand if you don't want us to hurt your sister."

He squeezed my hand briefly before pulling away. "A sister is what you have with Bethany. She would never harm you or anyone you cared about. That woman is using us to climb the social ladder. She hurt my friend. I won't allow that to go unpunished."

"Come on. The coast is clear. I can hear voices farther in." Sebastian said reappearing. Fenris gave me a sharp nod and I followed him out. We would finish this now.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Fenris**

I leaned against the wall wishing I could just disappear. Hawke had just finished her story of what they had done to her. She had tried to dodge around it, but we all kept pressing. I had to know the details. I had to know what I had cost her this time.

"Are you really sure you want to hear all the horrid details?" She had asked as she stared at the fireplace. She wouldn't meet any of our eyes for very long. The pain when she looked at me was killing me. It was all my fault and she knew it.

"It might make you feel better to talk about it." Anders had encouraged her as she held the cup of tea he had made her to sooth her ragged nerves.

She had never touched it though. I had watched her out from under my hair as she had told her tale of the dream and life that Varania had built for her and then had destroyed. Her voice was dead and calm. Too calm for the horrors she spoke of. A year. She had lived a year in her dreams. With a daughter and a lover. I feared the resignation I saw in her eyes. I had seen that look before.

There had been a slave that Danarius had bought from Ferelden. A spirited and beautiful girl who refused to submit to being a slave. The girl had fought tirelessly against everything thrown at her. I had admired her courage as much as I thought her foolish. Then one day she had emerged from Danarius room, the same look on her face as Hawke had now. A hollow look in her eyes. As if she had already died, the body just didn't know it yet.

Danarius had been pleased with himself. Saying he had broken the unbreakable. That night the girl threw herself out of the attic window. She had died rather than give into the slavery. I was worried Hawke might be feeling the same way. She was strong though. I had worried about her after her mother's death and the Arishok's as well. She had been hollow for a while, but snapped out of it. Surely this would be no different.

"Oh, Hawke!" Merrill had sobbed and laid her head in Hawke's lap. Hawke cringed slightly from the contact and then gently laid her hand on Merrill's head.

"Don't worry about me, Merrill. I'm alright now."

"Hawke, you can't go through that unscathed. To have love and a child and have them taken away…" Varric said watching her with pain filled eyes. Hawke's eyes flicked to mine, misery clear in hers for a moment before she masked the pain.

"Better to have loved and lost, right? It was a dream, guys. I'll get over it." She said and stood up. "It's late and I'm exhausted. I'll see you all later." She said and started out of the room. I hurried after her.

"Hawke, we should talk." I said unsure what I was supposed to tell her. How did you comfort someone after what she'd been through?

She swallowed hard and shook her head. "There is nothing to talk about, Fenris. Unless you were wanting to talk about what happened today with Danarius and Varania."

"My feelings on that can wait. You've been through…" I started, but she cut me off with a bitter laugh.

"I know what I've been through. I'm sure you can relate. You were at his mercy for years. I had one week. You don't owe me anything, Fenris. It was just a dream." She said and started away.

"But it was real to you. I was real to you." I said causing her to pause on the stairs.

"What do you want from me? Yes, it was real to me. Yes, I was in love with you. Yes, seeing the way you look at me now is painful. But it was a dream. I'll get over it." She turned to me, tears brightening her lyrium eyes. "Happy now?"

"Hawke, I…" I tried. She closed her eyes for a second and let out a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry for that. I shouldn't have taken this out on you. None of this is your fault. I just need some time." She said her eyes softening as she looked at me.

"It is my fault. You were helping me hunt the slavers. I abandoned you to go after that one. I'm the one who let them get away with you. I'm the one they used to torture you." I said as misery washed over me. She was the one good thing to ever come in my life and I had ruined it.

I had never known how to show her how I felt about her. I had wanted to hate her. She was a friend of mages after all. It was only a matter of time before she betrayed me or used me. But she hadn't. She had taken all the abuse and coldness I had dealt her. She had continued to come around and help me even when I could tell I hurt her.

I had wanted to push her away. I was afraid of the feelings she stirred up in me. And then I couldn't bear the thought of being without her. She had broken through all my walls and was busily repairing the damage others had left behind.

I had wanted more with her than just the friendship she readily offered, but I didn't know how to go about it. Or how she felt about me. I was an escaped elven slave living in a borrowed mansion, and she was the Champion of Kirkwall.

She had been a true friend, seeing me through my struggles, helping me find a place. And I repaid her by abandoning her to slavers. She had every right to hate and blame me.

She moved to me and started to reach out for me. She dropped her hand back. "Sorry. I'll eventually remember you don't like to be touched." She gave me a sad smile. "This isn't your fault, Fenris. I should have followed you rather than try and take them on my own. I should have insisted we take someone else with us. And they were after me that time. He wanted to use me to farther his position. It had nothing to do with you. They found my weakness and used it against me. Please don't blame yourself for any of this. All they did was on them." She ducked down so she was looking me in the eye as I ducked my head. "I in no way blame you for any of this."

I nodded mutely, unable to bear to look her in the eyes. She was annoyingly good and forgiving. I wished just once she would get angry with me. She started to turn and walk away, but I caught her wrist. I loosened my grip as she sucked in a sharp breath.

"I'm sorry." I whispered to her. There was so much I wanted to say, but all of it sounded stupid and hollow.

She gave me a sad smile. "Me, too." She pulled away and went up the stairs. I stayed there until the others moved into the room. I glanced at Varric as he moved to my side. The others quietly left, leaving us staring at her closed door.

"How're you holding up?" He asked.

"I'm not the one who was tortured." I snapped.

"But you killed your former master and sister today. And found out how Hawke really feels about you. That's a lot to take in."

"It was a dream, Varric."

"She wouldn't have been so easily fooled if it didn't have some basis in truth. Think of all the times she's faced demons and blood mages. None have been able to hold her."

"Danarius isn't like the other mages she's encountered before."

"But Varania was. And she's the one who gave Hawke the dream. Look, I know you like to be the tough lone wolf type…" I snarled at him as he poked at my name again. He gave me a shrug and continued. "But I can see that you have some sort of feelings for her. Now might be the time to tell her."

"Right. I'm supposed to tell her that I have some sort of feelings for her, that you have imagined," I added as his eyes took on a gleam of smugness. "All after the torture she went through at the hands of my former master and sister? I don't know much about relationships and all, but I'm fairly certain now wouldn't be the time to have that sort of talk. She's going through enough right now."

"That's what I'm worried about. Couldn't you hear it in her voice? This is as bad as when she lost her mother."

"I know. I just don't know what to do for her. She said she needed time." I said and hung my head in misery. I had thought things would be better now that Danarius was dead, but it was just as messy and complicated as when he'd been alive. He would haunt me forever it seemed.

Varric sighed and nodded. "All we can do is follow her lead on this. Like we did when her mother was killed." He shook his head. "How much trauma can one girl survive before it breaks her?" He turned and started for the door. "I'm going to come back first thing in the morning. Will I find you here, or are you leaving now that you're free?"

I glanced at the closed door. I wasn't going anywhere. I would stay by Hawke's side as long as she allowed me too. "I'll be around." I answered.

"Good. Don't think she can handle losing anyone else right now."

-0-

I went home, but sleep eluded me. Hawke and Varric's words haunting me. Images of the other slave laying broken on the pavement, a look of serenity on her face was replaced with Hawke's face each time I closed my eyes. Finally I got up. I wouldn't rest until I knew she was alright. I hadn't been much comfort when her mother had died, but she had later told me she appreciated me coming by.

I made my way through her house silently. If she was asleep, I would just leave. If she was up, I would sit with her all night if she wished it. But her room was dark and empty. Fear washed over me. Where could she be?

I froze as I saw the envelops on the desk. I grabbed the one addressed to me and tore it open. I scanned it quickly and then bolted. I knew where she was. I just hoped I could get there in time.

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Hawke**

I stared out at the turbulent sea. The moonlight danced on the angry waves. The wind wiped my hair around. Bethany's voice danced in my mind. The first time we had come to this spot she had laughed, happy to be away from Kirkwall. "Look, sister, if you try really hard, we might could see home again."

I felt guilty as I thought of her. I had a letter in my room addressed to her. Bohdan would find it in the morning and see that she got it. There was one for each of my companions. I felt slight guilt as I thought of each of them, but it wasn't enough to stop me.

They were each settled and didn't need me anymore. Merrill had her stupid mirror that she wouldn't give up. Isabela had her ship and only stuck around for me. Sebastian was secure in the Chantry as he wanted. Anders was leading a fight that I feared was going to kill him, but he had a peace about it. Varric was typical Varric. He didn't need anyone or anything. Aveline had the guards well in hand and was very happily married. Bethany was happy and safe in the Circle. And Fenris…Fenris was free now.

The letters were goodbye letters. I was leading them all to believe that I was going to Ferelden. I didn't want them to look for me. I didn't want to be found. I just wanted peace. I wanted what was lost to me.

"Don't do it." Fenris said breathlessly from behind me. I closed my eyes as pain and shame washed over me.

"I should have known you would find me." I sighed heavily. Maybe I could bluff my way out of this.

"Then you should have picked another spot if you didn't want me to find you." He said and moved around to face me. "How could you do this to us?"

"I'm not doing anything to anyone." I protested. He held up his letter. I frowned at him and crossed my arms, hoping to hide the dagger from his sight. "You went in my room."

"Don't even try that with me, Lila Hawke! How could you think this is the answer?"

"I don't know what you're talking about? Why can't I leave?"

"If you were leaving, it would be fine, but you aren't leaving like you're trying to make me believe." He snapped and jerked the dagger from me.

"Hey!" I protested. "I have to have some protection out here."

He sniffed the dagger and frowned at me. "Black Death. You really expect me to believe you bought and coated your dagger with Black Death just to have handy incase you were attacked." I was going to have to up my game if I wanted him to go away.

"After what I've been through, yes." I said coldly. I refused to cringe as he did. Pain flicking across his face quickly.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "These letters might fool the others, but I know better."

"You know nothing. I'm leaving. I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I'm tired of being a tool to be used by whoever next decides they should use me. I want to be free."

He stalked towards me and clasped my shoulder tightly. "Say that you weren't going to kill yourself. Say it."

"I was leaving." I said unable to look him in the eye. I had never been a good liar.

"Liar. Say it. If you weren't going to kill yourself, tell me that and I'll leave." He tossed the dagger over the cliff edge. I tried to get to it, growling at him in protest. He jerked me back around, holding my upper arms tightly. "Say it!" He yelled and shook me.

"I don't have to tell you anything!" I yelled back.

"Yes, you do. I'm not letting you do this!" His eyes weren't the least bit cold right now. They were angry and worried. I couldn't stand it. I struggled trying to get free from him. "Lila, please!" He begged. I froze at his words. He had said my name.

I crumbled as I looked back at him. All my walls falling when faced with the man who had come to mean so much to me. "I can't do this." I sobbed. He pulled me to him tightly and held me, awkwardly patting my back as I cried. I gave in for a moment, taking comfort from the man I loved, but then I shoved away from him. "You don't understand. None of you do. I can't…it's too much…" I cried brokenly and leaned on a rock looking out at the sea.

"Then make me understand." He said moving to stand next to me.

"She was real, Fenris. And now she's gone. It's like they killed her." I cried.

"Lea." He said quietly.

"My arms ache without her in them. My heart feels like it's shattered. I…" I sobbed a moment as I thought of her bright and happy smile. "She was so beautiful and happy. She was so…She loved you so much. And you were so good with her. So attentive and…" I trailed off and looked at him. Misery clearly written all over him as he slouched tightly. "You looked at us with love in your eyes. And now you look at me so coldly and with pity. I've lost her and I've lost you and I can't go on."

"You haven't lost me." He said and shifted a bit closer to me. I laughed bitterly.

"You can't lose what you never had, right? I should just get over it. Shut down and move on. That's what you would do, right?"

"Lila, no! You've been through so much. I don't expect you to just get over it. I don't know how to comfort you. I don't know what to say to get you through this. But I'm here. I care. Don't do this. Don't leave us." He caught my face and turned me to face him. "Don't leave me."

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Fenris**

I searched her eyes, pleading with her to see what I couldn't say out loud. She watched me for a moment before she jerked back. "I don't need your pity, Fenris. I don't want you to say all this to get me through this. You can't get me through this. Nothing can get me through this. I just want peace." She sobbed. "I just want to stop hurting."

"Lila…" I tried to think of what to do or say. Anyone else would have known what to do.

I thought of how she had reacted when I had walked into the cell. She had thrown herself at me, clinging to me like a lifeline. At first I had been dismayed about it. I didn't like to be touched and a sobbing Hawke who looked like she was barely alive was so much worse than just being touched. But she had wanted a connection with me. At the time I thought it was simply out of relief to see a friend after the ordeal she had been through, but now knowing that in her dream we had been lovers…

I crushed her to me, shoving aside the discomfort of her contact. But the sting of the marks was short lived. She felt good here. Right somehow. Like a piece of me had been missing and was finally in place.

She struggled at first, but then curled into me, latching onto me and sobbing. I supported us to the ground and rocked her awkwardly. I had nothing to say to her. I was a blank of what to do so I just sat there and let her sob.

She quieted eventually and shoved away from me. "Don't. You're just making this worse. I know you're trying to help, but I can't do this. I can't pretend that you care. I can't pretend it's all going to be alright again. Please just let me go."

"Lila, I do care." I protested.

"Don't. Don't call me that. You always call me Hawke. You don't like to be touched. You barely tolerate my company. On one occasion you opened up and told me about how you escaped. Don't pretend that there's anything more than maybe friends. I can't handle it. You aren't responsible for what they did. You aren't responsible for what I do. So don't pretend that you care to try and stop me from leaving."

I had always wanted to call her Lila. Her name was beautiful, but it had felt wrong to be so informal with her. She deserved respect. My slave training had always guided me to keep my emotions and thoughts tightly reigned. Disdain, anger, and disinterest were the only things I ever showed. And I had made her believe I didn't care.

"I like your name. It's beautiful. I remember the first time I heard it. Your mother was lecturing you about staying out so late. I thought the name suited you. You are strong and proud like a hawk, but you are also beautiful and gentle like your name suggest." Maybe if I just kept fumbling around, I would finally convince her I cared. She looked at me as if I had suggested mages should be free.

She then shook her head. "Please don't make this worse."

"I don't want to make it worse, but it seems this might be my only chance. I do care about you, Lila." I said her name not liking that she cringed, but in for a copper… "I've always wanted to call you by your name, but I felt it too informal for someone who deserved so much respect. I might have always seemed as if I didn't want you around, but that was only because I was frightened of you." She looked at me puzzled. Puzzled was better than broken and angry. "You made me feel things. I had been closed off for so long and then you walked in. It was as if I was suddenly in a different world. Everything had been black and white and now there were so many colors it was blinding. I clung to my slave training trying to keep you back. I was scared if I let you in, you would see me. That you would see me and cast me away. That you would see the worthless and broken slave who killed the people trying to help him all because his master told him to. That you would see the man whose own family thought his only value was in how he could better elevate them. But I couldn't keep you back." I caught her hand as she started to rise and forced her to stay put. "Somewhere along the way you found your way into a part of me that I didn't know existed. I never dared to hope that you could feel the same way about me, so I kept silent. Watching you and wishing." I looked at her, daring her to look away from me as I bared my soul to her. "Don't you dare say I don't care. Because I do. More than I've ever cared about anyone else and it scares me. The thought of losing you. When I couldn't find you…when I saw you crouched in that cell…when I learned the things done to you…"

"Fenris…" She said looking wounded again. Tears pooling in her eyes, but I couldn't stop now.

"You're pain is killing me. I want so badly to be able to take it from you. I would gladly bear it all if I could spare you from it. I feel useless and helpless. I want to run from it. I want to run from you. I'm so ashamed of what I've done to you, but I can't. Fear of losing you is too great. I could bear anything but that." I cupped the back of her head and rested my forehead against hers. "Don't leave me, Lila."

"Fenris, I don't know how to go on." She whispered shifting so her cheek rested against mine.

"We'll figure it out together." I said wrapping my arms around her.

"I want so badly to give in to you, but I'm scared your only saying this out of guilt."

"I do feel guilty. But I also care about you. You are the best thing to ever come in my life. I know I can't replace the life they have taken from you, but we could build one together. I…" I hesitated. It was a huge thing to say, but it had to be said. She pulled back and looked at me. "I love you, Lila. I think I have the moment you walked out of the alienage leaving a trail of blood and dead hunters behind you. I just didn't know what it was or what to do with it. I still don't know what to do with it, but if you will give me a chance, maybe we can figure it out together."

"Is this another dream?" She asked. "Am I going to wake up tomorrow and you be gone again?" I pinched her. She jumped and rubbed her arm, glaring at me. "What was that for?" She demanded.

"I've heard that's what people do to prove it's not a dream." I said with a shrug. She surprised me by laughing.

"I felt pain in the other dream as well, so I doubt that's much of an indication, but I appreciate the effort all the same."

"Are we going to be alright?" I asked as she shifted to lean against me. She looked out at the ocean as I held her.

She laid her head against my shoulder. "It's going to take some time. I know she wasn't real, but I still feel like my daughter died."

"I understand that." I answered. "Would you like to maybe have a ceremony for her? A memorial of sorts?"

She turned and looked up at me. "You don't think it's silly? A memorial for someone who only existed in my mind?"

"No. She was alive to you. It's only right to mourn her properly."

"Thank you, Fenris." She said quietly and laid her head back against my shoulder. "Maybe we could do something, just the two of us? I don't know if the others would understand."

"They would try to. They want to support you as well, but we will do whatever you want and need."

"Fenris, when you said we could build a life together, what did you mean?"

"Just that. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. However you will let me. Be it friend, or hopefully more than a friend." I tilted her chin up so she was looking at me. "By your side I will walk into whatever the future holds."

"If I wanted to leave Kirkwall?" She asked.

"So long as you allow me to come, I will follow you wherever you go. I've only stayed here for you anyway."

"If I wanted to fight to make the mages free?" She asked after a few minutes. I sighed.

"Then I would say you are a foolish woman, and I even more a fool because I follow you."

"You would defend the mages against the templars?" She asked eyeing me.

"If that was what you wanted, yes. See, Lila, I am hopelessly at your mercy." She glanced away quickly, but I turned her face back to me. "There is no place I would rather be." She shifted closer and kissed me. It was a quick and chaste kiss, but it awoke a possessiveness inside me. I jerked her back to me and kissed her, devouring her. Letting all the swirling emotions fill the kiss. She wrapped her arms around my neck and laid her head against my chest.

"Well, they got one thing wrong in the dream." She said after a moment.

"What's that?" I asked fearing that she was going to say that my kiss lacked in comparison to the dream me.

"You're even better at all this than in the dream." She said giving me a mischievous smile. There was still sadness in her eyes, but the hollowness was gone.

I smiled at her, my mind filled with all the things I had dreamed of all these years. "We could go back to your home and see how many other things they got wrong."

"Hmm. I think I like the sound of that." I stood and pulled her to her feet. I laced our fingers together and pulled her along at a hurried pace. "Fenris, we have all the rest of the night." She said with a breathless laugh.

"And I plan to make the most of it."

**-0-**

**Two months later**

I laid in the large bed and stared at the canopy over it. So much had happened so quickly. Lila still had bad days, but she was recovering from both the mental and physical torture they had done to her. We had moved in together after that first night. A week later I had proposed. We had wasted six years. I wasn't going to waste another minute.

A week ago we had been married in a ridiculous ceremony at the Chantry. Neither of us were really happy with the big celebration it had turned into, but it seemed that when you married the Champion, you had to deal with large parties and crowds.

Sebastian had been a true friend and given us the use of the Starkhaven palace as our honeymoon get away. We were staying here for a month. It had been a blissful change from the crowds pressing us in Kirkwall. Here we could go around unnoticed.

We had discovered a shared love of horseback riding and spent most of our days this last week out in the vast countryside riding. When we weren't we explored the area and city. Or stayed in our room, making full use of the lavish bed that made ours at home seem a child's bed.

Something was wrong with Lila this morning. She said it was nothing, but she had been running for the bathing chamber all morning. She insisted it was the horrible fish and egg pie. I couldn't believe she had even bothered to try it. It was revolting enough to have to smell it.

She finally stumbled back out and climbed into the bed, groaning as I shifted over to her. "I'm fine." She answered as I looked at her. I arched a brow. "Fine. I'll be fine. Is that better?" She asked and gave me a tentative smile.

"I think I should get the healer." I frowned at her.

"It's just that horrible pie. From now on if it sounds gross, I don't care who I offend. I'm so not eating it. I swear I can still smell it." She scrunched up her nose. "Oh, Maker! I can." She bolted from the bed again.

"That's it. I'm going for the healer!" I said and hurried from the room before she could protest. I returned with the healer and paced as the kindly woman examined her. She finally patted Lila's hand and smiled at her.

"You're going to be just fine. Most women stop feeling like this after a few months."

"Months? The fish pie makes you sick that long?" I asked horrified.

The woman laughed and shook her head. "No, but pregnancy does. Get plenty of rest and drink lots of water. You should be just fine. Eat something like crackers or bread when you first get up. It should help with the nausea." The woman smiled as we stared at each other stunned. Pregnant?

"I'm pregnant? But…" Lila laid a hand over her stomach and stared wide eyed at the wall.

"A little more than a month from my guess. Congratulations." The healer said and patted my arm before heading to the door. "If you need anything, come see me."

I moved to sit on the bed with Lila. She wasn't moving, just staring at the wall. "Lila?" I asked worriedly. I wanted to be excited about this, but I was afraid it was going to be too much too soon for her.

"You said you wanted to build a life with me, right?" She asked looking up at me.

I smiled and pulled her into my arms. "I did. And I meant it. We're having a baby."

She smiled as she leaned against me and looked down at her hand over her stomach. I laced my fingers through hers and watched her. "We are. A baby."

"Our baby." I said tilting her up to look at me.

"Our baby. I like the sound of that."


	56. Chapter 56 Alt Ending 2

_**Author's Note: This ending is tied with the Fenris ending. If you haven't read it, this one won't make much sense. Also it's a Mass Effect Crossover, so bear with me. This is my final one unless someone has another suggestion or my husband's like what if…again.**_

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

I started awake as I heard his zipper. I turned over and frowned at him as he put his hat on. "Sneaking out? Really? Isn't that a little beneath you?" I asked.

"Andy, I'm not sneaking out. You know I would never do that to you. Not when I finally have you where I want you." He said moving over to me slowly. He bent down and gave me an awkward kiss. "You were sleeping so peacefully I didn't want to wake you up. I figured you needed it after all this shit we've been through. And you know I hate to leave my baby when someone's working on her."

I sighed and stretched hoping to entice him to stay with me a little while longer. We both needed a break after the rough few years we had had now. I beckoned him closer and scooted over in the bed. He sighed and rolled his eyes dramatically but sat down beside me.

"You know there are things in life other than that ship, right?" I teased him.

He gave me a mock look of outrage. "Why would you even taunt me like that?" He smiled and leaned closer to me as I lifted the covers up and invited him in. "Although a beautiful and naked woman does make things a little fuzzier. What were we talking about?"

"You going back to the Normandy. Sneaking out and leaving me all alone." I pouted. He shook his head and took his boots back off and tossed his hat into a chair before sliding into bed with me.

"From now on I'm calling you Commander Manipulator."

"As if I could ever manipulate you, Joker."

"You can manipulate me anytime you want to, Andy." He said and kissed me. I ran my hand under his shirt and stroked his chest.

"Is that an offer?" I asked nipping at his lips. I loved the way his green eyes danced with mischief. It seemed like all the crap with the Collectors and Cerberus had dimmed it some, but it was back now.

"It's a promise." He replied running his hands along my ribs.

"I think I like the sound of that." I laughed and then frowned. My dream rushed back to me as I said it. Joker tensed up and watched me.

"Shepard? You alright? Need Chakwas?" He asked. It wasn't the first time memories had assaulted me lately. Things had been rough since waking up in that Cerberus facility.

I shook my head and gave him a sheepish smile. "Sorry. Just remembered my dream."

He looked pained as he shifted so I was laid against his chest. "Protheans, Collectors, or your death?" His voice was strained on the last part. We didn't like to discuss that incident at all. He still blamed himself for it.

"None of the above. It was a weird dream though." I said smiling at him. If someone had told me three years ago that I would be curled up in bed with my helmsmen I would have laughed. But here I was and there was no where else I would rather be.

"Tell me about it. Especially if it was dirty and gave you ideas." He grinned at me.

"As if you need ideas in that department." I arched my brow at him as he looked away looking slightly guilty. His porn collection was shamefully large and varied.

"Well…I have a lot of downtime waiting for this hot chick to get her trouble finding ass back to the ship. And until this last year I never stood a chance with her so…" He frowned as I continued to watch him. "A guy has needs, Shepard."

I bit his shoulder lightly. "I'm teasing you, Joker. And if you had given me the slightest indication that you liked me I would have been all over you. I thought you wanted to drop kick me off your ship."

"I had to act like that. I didn't stand a chance with you next to pretty boy Alenko and I knew it. What was I supposed to do, act like everyone else and kiss your ass?" He snapped.

"Hey, Jeff. I'm here with you." I said catching his face in my hand. I liked the way his beard felt against it. "I want you. Not Alenko. Not anyone else. Just you."

He pouted a bit and then tugged me up to kiss him. "Prove it." I arched my brow at him and grinned.

"With pleasure."

-0-

Sometime later we laid down curled together. We were covered in sweat and too tired to do more than lay here and wait for our food to be delivered. "Definitely proved it." He said and smiled at me sleepily. God he was cute.

"Hmm." I said snuggling closer to him. He lazily ran a hand through my auburn hair. "Stay the day in bed?" I suggested hopefully.

"Twist my arm a bit, why don't ya?" He laughed as I pouted at him. He placed a kiss on my forehead and sighed. "So tell me about this dream."

"Well, it was weird. I wasn't me."

"You weren't you as in you were a different Andris Shepard or like you were a completely different person?"

"Different person. I looked the same, but my name was Lila Hawke and it was like in the past or something."

"What do you mean?"

"I fought with daggers rather than guns."

"Paint me a picture here. Sexy tight leather armor?" He closed his eyes and crossed his fingers. "Please say yes. Please say yes." I punched him in the shoulder. "Ow!"

"Are you going to listen to me or not?" I frowned at him.

"Behaving now. So you were this sexy leather wearing dagger wielding warrior babe." He said smiling shamelessly.

"As I was saying, I was Lila Hawke. She lived in some place called Kirkwall."

"Like in England?" He interrupted.

"No, not England. Not even Earth. The planet was Thedas." I frowned at him.

"Sorry. Being quiet now."

"She was called the Champion of Kirkwall." I tried to continue.

"Must be a let down to only be the hero of a city rather than the whole galaxy."

"Why do I even like you?" I frowned at him.

"Cause I'm charming and handsome." He grinned. I rolled my eyes at him.

"As I was saying, she had lots of companions to help her as she tried to make things better for the people."

"Sounds familiar."

"Shut up, Joker, or I'm not going to tell you." I sat up and frowned at him. He made a motion like he had zipped and locked his lips, watching me with a smirk. "She was trying to make the place better and…"

-0-

"I didn't know you had a thing for fantasy stuff. I mean you are something out of a fantasy, but I'm talking about you know the whole elf, magic thing." He smirked at me as I finished telling him the dream.

"You are such a jerk." I grumbled and sat on the edge of the bed. He shifted closer and ran his finger down my arm.

"Sorry, I couldn't help it. Joking is hardwired into me." He said with a shrug.

"You think I'm crazy?" I asked as the silence stretched between us. He seemed lost in thought.

"Not too crazy." He teased and tugged my hair when I frowned at him. "No, you aren't crazy. At least not any more than the rest of us."

"So you have dreams like this?"

He laughed. "All my dreams involve a hot and naked red head who is far too limber and creative." He wiggled his eyebrows at me. I sighed and got up, moving to pull on clothes. "Hey!" He protested and tugged my arm until I fell back in bed with him, dropping the clothes in the process.

I sighed and laid back on his chest as he wrapped an arm around me. "Let's just drop it, okay?" He nodded and silence stretched between us again. I was dozing off when he startled me awake.

"Didn't you tell me Andris was an old family name? Like passed through generations?"

"Yeah, so?" I asked looking up at him.

"And you said that your family was always really secretive about their past." He said motioning with his hands.

"So?"

"And Mindor had ancient ruins and stuff…maybe your family weren't really 'colonist'. Maybe they were survivors."

"You are not seriously suggesting that my family were ancient people who had first inhabited Mindor, and I just dreamed of my ancestors, are you?" He shrugged. "Joker, that is the last time I let you pick the vid before we go to bed." I frowned at him.

"Meaning that there will be more us going to bed and vid watching. I could get used to that." He teased. "But back to the dream, you have been hanging out with Liara."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Of course I had been hanging out with Liara. I was helping her settle in as the new Shadow Broker. Not that anyone knew that. And she in turn was helping me get the Normandy repaired after our historic trip through and back the Omega 4 relay. We were using her lavish apartment on Illium. She had put the rest of the crew up in other apartments as well.

Everyone was getting some much needed down time while the Normandy got it's repairs and upgrades. Joker and Tali were overseeing the repairs being made. Garrus, EDI, and I were going through the crew trying to decide who we could keep and who might pose a security risk now that we had broken ties with Cerberus.

"Well…has she done any of that freaky 'Embrace Eternity' shit again?

I whacked him with a pillow. "Freaky 'Embrace Eternity' shit? Joker that is so…racist, alienist…I don't know, but that was messed up!" He caught the pillow and grinned at me unrepentant.

"You have to admit that was freaky." He pressed. I rolled my eyes at him.

"It's still rude to say stuff like that. And no she hasn't. Not since she helped me with the cipher."

"Maybe she unlocked something in your head. Several races have ancestorial memories. And we know that your brain isn't like other peoples. I mean, no one else could have survived the one beacon, let alone all the Prothean stuff you did. You not only survived it, but was able to understand it."

"I'm trying not to be offended here by you saying my brain is messed up." I pouted. He tugged me close and kissed me.

"I like your messed up brain. I think you're sexy as hell."

"Why do people say that? I mean, hell isn't sexy." I interrupted him. He rolled his eyes at me.

"Fine, how about smart, badass, perfect, smoking hot, and…" He said trying to get me to not be angry.

"Just shut up before you dig yourself into a hole you can't get out of." I said and smacked him with the pillow again. The doorbell chimed announcing the take-out we had ordered in between bouts of proving how much we desired each other. "As punishment, you go get the food. I'm staying in bed." I said.

"I'd rather you stay in bed. I don't want you to get dressed. I rather like the view of you sprawled in bed. Naked. Did I mention naked?"

I laughed and tossed a pillow at him as he fumbled with his clothes and headed for the door. "Go on perv. I'm starving!" I laid back and stared at the ceiling reviewing the dream.

It was true my family had acted strange whenever I asked about their life before Mindor. And Andris was a name passed down through the family, but that didn't mean anything, right? I sighed and let it go.

It was a happy story that I could think about later. Right now I had more important things to think about. Like the summons I had received from Admiral Hackett. He wanted me to find a missing operative for him. I didn't like the sounds of it as he insisted I go alone, but if the Alliance was reaching out an olive branch, I was going to take it.

But not yet. The ship needed another week of repairs before she was ready to go. I was going to make full use of the week and enjoy this budding relationship I had with my prickly and funny helmsmen.

I smiled as he made his way back into the room complaining about the delivery guy. He looked at me puzzled as I knelt on the bed and tugged him to me.

"I thought you were hungry." He protested as I tore his shirt open and kissed him.

"I am. But it can wait." He paused only a moment before he dropped the food and fell into the bed with me.

"You know, I like the way you think, Andy."


End file.
